Re:Zero Kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu (LN) - Volume 23 - Chapter 5.2

2

There was a limit to how well people could understand each other through words alone.

No matter the relationship, it was impossible to know with absolute certainty what lay in another person’s heart. People hide things, even from the ones they love. People lie. People have secrets.

Just like Subaru Natsuki. He loved and respected his parents, but he still kept secrets from them.

Loving someone, trusting them from the bottom of your heart, entrusting your body to them, forming a bond with them—even everyone with all those different types of connections were no exception. No matter the bond, none of that changed the simple fact.

So however much you might want it, it was impossible to fully understand a person’s everything.

—No, it should have been impossible.

“ ”

—Meili Portroute.

By reading her book of the dead, Subaru had experienced her entire life in abridged form. It was all bite-size chunks, but he knew how she’d lived, her beliefs, her philosophy.

There was no deception there, no secrets, and no lies. Only the genuine article.

How there was someone she cared deeply about. How her heart had been lost when she lost that pillar of support. How she struggled to know how to feel about Subaru and the others who had stolen that person from her. How she’d sought out a certain book of the dead in order to better understand what she really felt.

He even knew the shame and despair when that confusion was discovered.

That is the real point of this archive.

What Emilia, Beatrice, and everyone else in the tower really thought, the thing he so desperately wanted to know: the reason why they all trusted Subaru Natsuki.

Were they allies or enemies? Who killed him and who was an ally who should be allowed to live?

Could they be loved or not? Hated or not?

—The way to get the answer to all those questions is in the books of the dead, right?

“…Subaru, you look like you’re really not feeling well. If you can’t calm down here, then it would be better to go someplace else to rest.”

Beatrice touched his shoulder, looking up at him in concern.

Looking into her distinctive butterfly-crested blue eyes, Subaru caught his breath. Her tiny hands, her slender neck. Her childish, dainty body.

“You’re so small…”

“Mrgh, what was that? This minimalism is one of Betty’s most adorable features. You are always saying so yourself, too.”

Seeing her face puffed into a pout, Subaru almost broke into a smile.

It was true that was the sort of joke he would have made if he were feeling more like himself. But the realization of something he shared with Subaru Natsuki soon filled his heart with bitterness.

She really is a small little kid.

If I grabbed her skull and just slammed it as hard as I could against the floor, she would die just from that.

—If I killed her, would her book of the dead appear here, too?

“Just like mine did.”

A voice that couldn’t be Subaru’s cackled at his intrusive thought.

The voice was oddly familiar—the dead girl’s sweet teasing riled Subaru.

“ ”

Just as before, though, he refused to pay the voice any heed.

But he couldn’t forget the method that sweet voice had recommended.

“For now, we should go back to the room inhabited by that spirit. That seems like the best idea.”

Judging by Subaru’s relative unresponsiveness, Beatrice suggested leaving the archive. Not having a reason to refuse, he nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Then we should put the book back as well… As best as Betty can tell, the ordering of the books is different every time, so putting it here is not too reliable, but it is better than nothing.”

Saying that, she took Meili’s book and pushed it tightly back onto the shelf right in front of the staircase. It was an easy-to-find spot, but if what she said was true, it was doubtful whether it would be possible to encounter the same book again in the mysterious archive.

“Meh, not that it matters now. Since if you want to talk to me, I’ll always be here in your head.”

“…Patlash is there, right? And Ram, too. So let’s go.”

“Betty agrees, but that is a rather rude way to put it. Sheesh. Betty here is your partner. Don’t forget it.”

“S-sorry. That wasn’t on purpose. It’s not like I forgot.”

For an instant, Subaru tensed, taking a jab in the heart. Trying to redirect away from that stiffness, he turned his attention to the green room downstairs.

The black land dragon waiting there. Patlash’s presence was a massive consolation for him.

Patlash had actually risked her life, sprinting through danger trying to save him. She was one being Subaru could wholeheartedly trust without doubting how she really felt or her real intentions…

“Really? You think she would really help you like that if she knew you weren’t actually Subaru Natsuki?”

“ ”

“In the end, you don’t have any real allies, do you?”

He didn’t respond to the taunt of the girl haunting him. He didn’t believe that was true and didn’t want to believe it.

“Come on, give me your hand, Subaru.”

“Hngh, ah.”

As the girl in his head stole his attention, his focus slipped away from Beatrice. So when she tried to take his hand, he was slow to notice why her eyes suddenly widened.

She was looking at the hand he held out—at his hand covered in scratches.

“…Ah, that’s…”

Subaru’s heart burned as he realized that she had seen something he shouldn’t have allowed anyone to see.

Right now, it’s impossible to tie the scratches to Meili. But if anyone finds her corpse, if they realize she was strangled, it would be easy to put two and two together.

“What will you do? Are you going to start now?”

Laughing at his fear, her voice swelled in anticipation of violence. Subaru could feel his temple aching in time with his pounding heart.

But despite his worry, Beatrice just sighed a little…

“—You scratched your hands again. That’s a bad habit.”

“…Eh?”

“That is a bad spot. What were you going to say if Emilia noticed? And if it gets especially bad, Betty won’t be able to look the other way about it, either.”

Beatrice averted her eyes as she ran her finger over Subaru’s wrist.

It was almost as if it was normal for him to have wounds on his arm, as if she was used to seeing that. And her attitude made it clear those wounds she was familiar with weren’t from training or fighting.

She was acting like it was normal for Subaru to mutilate himself.

“ ”

Beatrice’s fingertips glowed faintly as she touched his wound and, gradually, a warmth enveloped his arm.

There was a faint ticklishness, most likely the feeling of the wounds being healed by magic. This was yet another classic fantasy world trope, and he was finally getting to see it for the first time.

But at the same time, the aggressive thoughts taking root in his mind quickly dissipated.

“…That’s no fun…”

The girl scoffed in annoyance at her expectations being betrayed. But Subaru’s attention was on the dangerous negative feedback loop he’d almost slipped into.

The dangerous choice he had almost taken was proof of it. What am I doing?

There’s no reason to get obsessed over preemptively using the books of the dead. All the more so trying to use them at a stage where I haven’t even made any preparations. That would just be suicide.

The goal isn’t to kill them, it’s to read the books that should show up after I kill th—

“No, that’s…”

“It’s not wrong.”

“It is wrong! Gh!”

Subaru loudly rejected the smirking voice mocking him.

Rejected. He rejected it. He unwaveringly rejected the girl’s sweet temptation. Obviously. Since he’d already decided. He’d made his choice.

—I asked Shaula to help search for Meili.

The only thing hiding Meili’s corpse was a bit of cloth and the fact she’d been pushed into the corner of a room. Anyone looking for her would find her before long. If he really wanted to prevent that, then he shouldn’t have agreed to the search.

Of course, he didn’t know how to say it in a way that avoided the search and didn’t draw any suspicion to him, either. But if he really wanted to hide the truth, he could have interfered in the search.

From the point that he hadn’t done that, Subaru had given into her request.

“So…I…!”

“S-Subaru…Betty’s hand hurts…gh.”

“—Ah.”

With how vehemently he rejected the voice in his head, Subaru grabbed Beatrice’s wrist with far too much strength. She was wincing while weakly chiding his thoughtlessness.

Quickly letting go, Subaru apologized. But Beatrice just shook her head.

“It is okay. Water off Betty’s back. And your scratches should be better now.”

“…Ah…yeah, they are. I’m really sorry for causing you so much trouble.”

“You promised not to say that.”

After that, Beatrice held out the hand he’d grabbed. For a second, he hesitated to take it again, but he quickly shook off the doubt.

He held Beatrice’s hand gently, and a warm touch held his hand in return.

“Now, let’s go. Resting your body and heart are our first priority.”

Holding her dainty hand as she smiled, Subaru somehow managed to nod.

Telling himself it was okay, that he was doing the right thing, in order not to give in to his inner voice.

“—It’s fine. I’m…fine.”

Just repeating that over and over, in order to convince himself.

—If Meili really is found, then I should come clean and confess.

As he indulged in Beatrice’s kindness, Subaru decided to follow through on the resolution he had made before reading the book of the dead.

But in the end, that resolve didn’t come to fruition.

Despite searching all around the tower, they couldn’t find Meili.

The young girl’s corpse suddenly disappeared from the Pleiades Watchtower, as if in a puff of smoke.