CHAPTER 5
MURDER IS A HABIT
1
A dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, dark place.
Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep in the back of his mind.
I, me, I, who, you, you, Subaru Natsuki, Meili Portroute.
Kenichi Natsuki, Elsa Gramhilde, Nahoko Natsuki, Petra Leyte, Emilia, Shaula, Beatrice, Frederica Baumann, Anastasia Hoshin, Garfiel Tinzel, Julius Juukulius, Otto Suwen, Ram, the blue-haired, someone, me, you, I, me, someone, I, you, you, I…
—Me, I, Subaru Natsuki. Me, I, Subaru Natsuki.
—Who, I, Meili Portroute. Who, I, Meili Portroute.
Thoughts spun wildly. The border between reality and dream blurred. They melted together, blended together, merged into each other, loved each other, hated each other, pained each other, adored each other, desired each other, killed each other, shared each other’s hopes, broke each other, menaced each other, understood each other, cried together, laughed together, misunderstood each other.
One could only be oneself and nothing more. Another person could only be that person and nothing more. There was no room for compromise on that, no benevolent give-and-take. It wasn’t an arena where two sides could come to an understanding. There was no agree-to-disagree, no having it both ways—just an empty gulf between the two.
“Subaru…”
“ ”
Shaking his head, he was in the grips of working out the splinter that was the other person inside him. Until he finished that, he couldn’t answer the girls watching him with concern in their eyes.
He had to establish the line between himself and others, to extract Subaru Natsuki from the blend that had formed.
He performed a dissection, picking out the right pronouns, memories, recollections, impressions, feelings, and everything else. Carefully and precisely. Or else they would all melt and merge together and he would no longer be able to separate them.
He and the girl who was killed by his own two hands were blended…
“—Natsuki, what did you see? Can you tell us?”
“Ugh…ah?”
There was a voice coming from right in front of Subaru as he struggled with his jumbled personality.
It was a person with pale blue-green eyes.
Anastasia…? No, Echidna?
She was crouching down to meet his eyes as she spoke.
“Wait, Echidna. Right now, Subaru just went through something terrible…”
“I’m well aware of that. But this is a really bad situation for all of us right now, and we can’t afford to let what he did go to waste. We need to move as quickly as possible to figure out what’s going on.”
“That’s…true, but…”
Emilia and Echidna argued in front of him. As she spoke, Echidna glanced at the book lying on the floor for a moment—at Meili Portroute’s book of the dead.
“I’ll ask again, Natsuki. The book you read, what did you see in—Meili’s…memories…”
“…Agh…”
Emilia covered her face with her hands. Even though she’d expected it, Echidna’s face still tensed.
Everyone there understood what a new book of the dead being added to the stacks meant.
The young girl who they’d talked to, had shared a meal with only a few hours earlier, had been lost.
And the confused state Subaru was in was from experiencing her death himself.
“Calm down, Subaru. Calm down. Just focus on recovering your sense of self.”
“…Sor…ry…”
“It’s fine. In times like this, just rely on Betty completely… This isn’t your fault. There’s no need to push yourself.”
“ ”
Beatrice nestled up to Subaru, stroking his exhausted head.
Emilia and Beatrice were trying their best to support his shattered heart. Ironically, though, their concern was cruelly flaying his heart.
Beatrice tried so mercifully to tell him it wasn’t his fault.
But this crime had been committed by none other than Subaru Natsuki. Beatrice didn’t know that as she tried to console him, but he did, and it made her efforts all the more ridiculous and sad.
“—Ms. Ram, what are your thoughts?”
While that was happening between Subaru and Beatrice, Julius had a serious expression on his face as he shifted the conversation to Ram. The two of them had arrived later, but knew about Meili’s book of the dead being found, and could see what happened to Subaru when he read it.
From the looks on their faces, they seemed to have taken the shock relatively in stride.
That’s probably because…
“Those two were aaaalways cautious of me. I was a killer, so it makes sense… Ah, but you know, big sis and the scarf lady were so easygoing.”
Internally, Subaru accepted that analysis.
While that was happening, Ram looked down at the book on the floor. Peering at the title written on the cover, Ram exhaled slightly.
“If we are to believe Subaru’s statement, young Meili is already…”
“Barusu is not so skilled or so cold to lie in a predicament like this… That must be Meili’s book.”
“…I could read it as well to substantiate it.”
“You think you would be fine because you’ve done it before? That’s far too optimistic considering the same was true for Barusu. Though it is certainly possible that he ended up like this is just due to his mental immaturity.” Ram paused there, meeting Julius’s tragic, heroic gaze. “Unfortunately, though, I wouldn’t say your current condition is notably better than Barusu’s.”
“…Understandable. Considering my decision to act alone yesterday, I do not have a compelling counterargument.”
“Sad to say, but I’m in agreement.” Julius was self-deprecating and Echidna agreed, too. She rubbed the fox scarf around her neck as she pointed to Subaru with her chin. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, Julius, but seeing Natsuki like that, I’m hesitant to try the same thing again… Whether it has to do with the number or quality of the books.”
“We have no way of confirming whether this is due to Barusu reading a second book or because the burden of reading the book of someone particularly familiar was especially large.”
Ram held her elbows and Echidna lowered her eyes and nodded. Julius’s brow furrowed, and he bit his lip in bitter disappointment.
“ ”
Most likely the second explanation Echidna and Ram proposed was right.
The massive emotional damage Subaru’s heart had sustained was because the subject of the book of the dead had been someone close. The vivid record of her life caused a shock that cracked him.
As a result, as he waded deep inside herself, Subaru had lost track of the boundary between the two of them and they began to mix.
Even the empty inertia of life that the girl had carried for so long…
“—Anyway, we can’t just sit around doing nothing. Let’s search for Meili!”
A loud crack split the air.
Emilia had forcefully clapped her hands in front of her. Looking up, she focused the attention of everyone in the archive on her. Hearing that, Subaru’s eyes widened.
“Search…?”
—Search? What for? What’s the point of that?
—She’s already dead. I’m already dead.
—Even though you didn’t care before I died.
“It might already be too late even if we find her. We should have been with her, but we weren’t. The least we could do is find her.”
“ ”
“We can’t just leave her all alone even more than we already did, right?”
There was no real reason behind what she was saying, no logic or sense to it.
It didn’t change her analysis in the back of Subaru’s mind that it was pointless. A realist would argue they should use their time on something more worthwhile.
But there was no one who attempted to argue with her.
“We will have to change our plan for today. Let’s split up and search for her,” Echidna agreed.
“I…am going to check on Rem. I was with her the whole time before I went to gather everyone, but…I need to check on her.”
“You should do that, Ms. Ram… Subaru, it may be cruel, but I wish to confirm. Were you able to observe Miss Meili’s final moments in the book of the dead?”
Subaru hesitated on how to answer Julius’s carefully worded question.
Of course, the answer was a resounding yes. He had experienced Meili losing her life in a way that had been unthinkable.
“I was flailing around in so much pain as my neck was strangled. But even that struggle ended with a snap… I wonder if that’s what it’s like to die?”
Subaru had experienced that situation from the perspective of the victim and the perpetrator. He’d even hidden her corpse in the room, trying to cover it up so she wouldn’t be found.
—Subaru Natsuki had thrown in his lot with the Subaru Natsuki who had murdered her.
The guilt that thought made him feel was enough to make him want to die.
But…
“Subaru, did you see it? Did you see her—”
“—I didn’t see the very end. Something happened inside the tower. That much was clear. But…”
He swallowed that guilt that made him want to die and then lied in order to protect himself.
“…Too bad…”
The dangerous feeling taking root in his heart, trying to get him to confess his crime, was a curse left behind by Meili Portroute.
A desire for Emilia and the others to find Meili, to find her corpse. Have them find it, regret it, lament it, and let out the feelings clogging his heart.
He was rapidly losing track of whether it was that Subaru Natsuki, her, or this Subaru Natsuki wishing for that.
“…Do you have the energy to read the book one more time?”
“Echidna!”
Echidna made a merciless suggestion, but before he could answer, Beatrice’s face twisted in anger. She held his arm tightly, glaring at Echidna with her big eyes.
“Making Betty shout that name…! Betty will not allow that. Betty is against going any further, and for more reasons than just emotion.”
“Considering the danger of mixing up memories, I wasn’t planning on recommending actually going through with it. I just wanted to confirm whether he had the resolve to do it or not. Even if he said he could, I wasn’t going to make him.”
“…Betty will just pray that is the truth.”
The anger in Beatrice’s eyes didn’t recede. As the friction between them crackled, Emilia broke in.
“That’s enough. I’m also against having Subaru push himself any further. And I’m against staying deadlocked here any longer… I want to find her as soon as possible.”
“Agreed. Let’s split up. Subaru, you—”
“—Betty will look after Subaru.”
Preempting Julius’s concern, Beatrice volunteered to take care of Subaru. Everyone else nodded at that.
“Okay, Beatrice. I’ll see you soon, Subaru.”
Entrusting each other to their roles, Emilia rushed out of the archive with the others.
Running around the tower in order to find Meili.
To find me.
Subaru watched them leave without saying anything…
“—Now then, what are you going to do?”
After they’d left, Beatrice glared at the person leaning against a shelf—Shaula—her voice sharp and brittle.
Despite being there the whole time, she hadn’t said a word ever since Subaru opened Meili’s book of the dead.
“Who, me? Nothing. I’m star guardian, remember? I don’t have any reason to help y’all. Of course if Master asked, I’d go all out doing whatever he wanted!”
“…Then don’t hang around here and go search for Meili, too.”
“—Is that really what you want, Master?”
Shaula cocked her head, her distinctive green eyes narrowing.
She asked Subaru directly, going over Beatrice’s head. Her expression was almost coquettish, imbued with a fragrant devilishness.
The sudden change of mood made Subaru feel as if someone was holding his heart. Shaula was holding Meili’s book of the dead in front of her ample chest.
“If you asked, I’d even shoot down the moon. But I want to hear it from you, not the half-blood or kiddo number one or the stud.”
“I…”
“Should I search for kiddo number two? Or…”
Shaula stopped there, leaving the last part unspoken.
But Beatrice was suspicious of her attitude, seemingly waiting for an order from Subaru. Subaru was also bewildered, but the unease clawing inside his heart was even greater.
It’s almost like she’s…
“Doesn’t it sound like she knows about us?”
“ ”
The voice in the back of Subaru’s mind was filled with good cheer, as if enjoying the situation.
This Subaru Natsuki and that Subaru Natsuki were blended together in one body, and after reading the book of the dead, a completely new personality had been added into the mix, leaving them with a split set of personalities.
—Subaru wanted to hide the fact that he was involved in Meili’s death.
—Subaru wanted Meili’s corpse, which he had hidden, to be found.
—Subaru wanted to accuse the other Subaru Natsuki of killing her.
Those wishes were all at odds, swirling and struggling for dominance, trying to grasp a future for themselves. And at the end of that conflict, the answer reached was…
“—Shaula, take care of Meili.”
“Roger. If that’s what you want, then that’s fine with me.”
Shaula saluted cutely at the hoarse order he managed to get out. And then she handed the book of the dead to him and stuck out her tongue.
Subaru reached out to take it when Shaula leaned in close and whispered in his ear—
“—I understand what to do.”
She turned around and ran off down the stairs before he could ask what she meant. As her bobbing ponytail disappeared in the distance, Subaru managed a hoarse murmur.
“What…was that…”?
The last thing she said, her pushing the book of the dead into his hands, he couldn’t understand any of it.
“Perhaps it is pointless to think too much about her. Also, it would be best to let go of that book now.”
“ ”
Beatrice’s words stung.
Her concerned gaze, the light so similar to what had been in Emilia’s eyes, pierced him, making his heart more uncomfortable instead of putting it at ease.
He didn’t have any right to accept her kindness.
He had hidden his memory loss, covered up his participation in Meili’s death, hidden the corrupt scheme that the evil Subaru Natsuki persona was plotting, so how could he possibly interact with everyone as if everything was fine?
“…Why are you so kind?”
“…That is an abrupt question. What is this about?”
The question left her at a loss. But because she trusted Subaru, she didn’t ignore it.
Because Emilia and Beatrice trusted Subaru Natsuki…
“ ”
When he thought that, the dark blot in his heart spread.
The way I felt about Elsa is the same way they feel about Subaru Natsuki.
It was a jewel that Subaru Natsuki alone could never attain.
Why is that guy, why is that brutal person, why is that hideously sneering guy, why is the enemy involved with Elsa’s death, why is the murderer who sneered while killing Meili, why is the coward who tried to cover up my death, why is he so loved?
There was a voice that demanded to know.
I want to know. I don’t know. Only I, only Subaru, only me, only Meili. I don’t know. I can’t know. I want to know. Why is it so one-sided?
Jealousy burned his heart, an envy of that shining jewel he could never attain.
The way to get his hands on that jewel…
“—Should I tell you how?”
“ ”
The sweet whisper in his head cruelly called to him.
And as the flames of envy consumed Subaru’s being, he realized the way to extinguish them was close at hand.
Isn’t there a way to know the answer right here in my arms?
—The thick, black book welcomed his curiosity with horrifically open arms.
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