Monogatari Series - Volume 28 - Chapter 1.04

004

At some level, I was simply curious.

My curiosity could not be contained.

Worrying about her was not something I could really conceptualize, but how exactly was Kagenui-san getting by during this pandemic?

I’d considered that her exclusive shikigami, Ononoki-chan, was a corpse doll, and so was completely divorced from the concept of pandemics. But tentatively (×100), Kagenui-san was a human, so it wouldn’t be as though she were immune to disease. I’d heard there were a certain number of people that were incapable of catching colds, but I doubted that there existed a person that possessed antibodies or immunity against all kinds of sicknesses.

Having said that, she certainly didn’t seem like the type to silently isolate herself at home… I doubted that any lockdown could be capable of sealing in Kagenui-san, no matter how powerful the authority that ordered it was.

Kagenui-san’s shadow could not be sewed down.34

If there was anything that imposed a restraint on her, it would be an eccentric curse that made it so that “she could not walk on the surface of the Earth”.

At one point, thanks to Ougi-chan’s machinations, she’d gotten stuck in the North Pole, but it was hard to say that counted as being shut in… Anyway, I couldn’t deny that a sudden urge to learn about Kagenui Yozuru’s present state was partially pushing me forward.

If it weren’t for that, I would never have called a specialist based on something like “Shinobu’s intuition”, something that a third party would consider too vague—especially not if the other party was a specialist of immortal oddities.

Our natural enemy.

In a more opportune time, it wouldn’t be a surprise if that violent onmyouji decided to exterminate us—when Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster had visited this town, Gaen-san had even called her over from the North Pole as a trump card.

In that sense, she could be unexpectedly suited for the role.

Though, at the same time, it was the role of the villain—but anyway.

“Greetings, Araragi-kun. Ah, happy twentieth birthday, by the way.”

Our conversation began with the twist of Kagenui-san being the first to give me birthday wishes outside of my family—so she’d remembered when my birthday was, huh? Although it was possible she only knew my information as a target needing to be monitored…

Though I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy.

It was a belated yet pleasant surprise.

“Still, the world has gone all sorts of crazy, ain’t it? Who’da thunk that I’d be in a future where I’m having a remote conference with Araragi-kun through a video call. Couldn’t’ve imagined it when we first met.”

“That’s for sure.”

It was indeed, as you may have guessed, a Zoom meeting.

For the incarnation of violence known as Kagenui-san, the idea of her being able to use a smartphone in itself went against my instincts, but unlike Oshino, who could barely handle a pay phone or a rotary phone, it seemed she was surprisingly in tune with electronic devices.

Speaking of which, she did buy Ononoki-chan a kids’ cell phone when employing her as a shikigami—incidentally, I’d had Shinobu leave my room for the time being.

Leave my room, and enter my shadow.

The domestic comedy of a young girl barging in on a remote meeting was not something I wanted to happen here… But Kagenui-san and Shinobu shared a complex connection (it was something I couldn’t care less about, but in the past, Kagenui-san had stepped on Shinobu’s head).

There was a bit of lag, but the image was clear. It had been about a year since I’d last spoken to Kagenui-san, but aside from her hair having grown a bit, she seemed the same as ever… At the very least, it didn’t seem as though she’d piled up any stress from the pandemic.

Well, a person like this could easily relieve stress whenever she wanted. Just by meaninglessly destroying whatever object was closest to her.

This wasn’t exactly a remote cliché, but since it was a video call, I’d been secretly wondering if I could get a better idea of Kagenui-san’s character by looking at the state of her room. But, it was as expected of the junior of the “onee-san that knew everything”, or as expected of the colleague of the Hawaiian-shirt guy that could see through everything. As if she’d seen through the many ways in which a lowlife might think, the background of this video call had been composited with a different image.

What a delicate technique.

I’d had this image of her as a somewhat unreserved, or even crude, kind of person, but perhaps she actually valued her privacy pretty highly.

Not to mention, she still hadn’t told me the whole story about making Ononoki-chan her shikigami.

On top of that, the background image was in fact a depiction of European scenery… She clearly was an underclassman of Gaen-san and a colleague of Oshino.

Such unpleasant fellows she’d associated with.

With her pulling off all these things from the very outset like this, it was hard for me to execute my own plans… Incidentally, where in Europe was this scenery? It seemed a bit like Eastern Europe… In the distance behind the townscape, there was a pretty impressive-looking castle, which made it a great photo.

Was it the work of a pro?

“So, what seems to be the matter? Araragi-kun.”

“Well, I was wondering if you were doing all right, you see. The world has gotten a little crazy, hasn’t it?”

I’d completely fallen into the habit of bringing up the pandemic as though I were commenting on the weather, but either way, when I began my approach like that,

“I dunno much about the world and all, but it’s true that I’ve been plenty busy these days. If it was gonna be like this, I woulda stayed up at the North Pole a little longer,”

was her reply.

Since we were talking over the phone like this, it was nice to feel a sense of security from the fact that I wouldn’t be suddenly punched out of the blue… But, as expected, it did feel like she lived at a level beyond the affairs of the world.

In that sense, she was like a hermit, though in a different way than her colleague Oshino—in fact, her inability to set foot on the ground was an actual curse.

So she was busy, huh?

“Did something happen with the former Heartunderblade?”

Oops.

Just when I’d indulged a bit in my own thoughts, she’d cut to the heart of the matter without a moment’s delay—if I continued to let my guard down just because it was a phone call, I could find myself in a mounted position (in the martial arts sense).

Should I have schemed something to take her by surprise, too, like putting the Araragi Harem in the background of my video feed?

Although the result of that scheme would probably be her pulling some kung fu moves on me.

“No, no, Shinobu is perfectly fine. Staying at home is her forte, after all. She knows the Three Closes35 like the back of her hand. Since she is completely sealed in my shadow, she is perfectly safe, with no fear of her causing harm to anyone else. We are following the rules that have been set for us with no exceptions. That golden-haired loli slave is not planning a thing.”

“Mhm.”

Huh, that was a curt response.

Even though I’d showed so many chinks in my armor for her to break into.

It was true that Shinobu and I were most likely unsatisfying opponents for Kagenui-san, but if she was going to treat me this lightly, it almost made me want to let everything slip without her even having to wring it out of me.

Actually, the two of us are recklessly planning an excursion overseas, you know? I wanted to reveal it like that—but, no, I would ultimately be better off not making such a revelation.

Since I had made the call without any prior rehearsal, I was struggling to come up with the most inoffensive phrasing of my request, but once again, it was like she’d outmaneuvered me yet again.

“In that case, makes it easy for me to ask the two of you for a favor,”

she said.

A favor?

“Yep. Much obliged to receive your call.”

I had never expected to hear such a stereotypically sociable phrase from Kagenui-san, so there really were benefits to living a long life—I was glad I didn’t die at seventeen years old.

Or so I’d been admiring, but after hearing what she had to say, I thought I might actually die.

Die of shock at twenty years old.

“Y’see, I was almost thinkin’ I should be the one to call you first. Really, really. Surprisin’ how good your timing was. Araragi-kun, d’you mind comin’ together with the former Heartunderblade to where I am? I happen to be around Romania right now.”

"............!”

Wha? Hold on a second, Romania?

By Romania, did she mean that Romania?

Romania, from that bad joke of, “What country likes curry the most?” that was answered with “Roux-mania”?36 The one you could retort with, “If it was called Curry-mania, then they wouldn’t actually put roux in,” that Romania?

“You an idiot? Why’re you fixating so much on bad jokes?”

When she retorted in that Kansai dialect of hers, it really felt like a proper retort, huh.

“Plus, thinkin’ that roux always refers to curry roux is way too shallow. Considerin’ the deep flavor of curry.”37

“It’s also wrong to be fixated so much on curry… Wait, huh? Then, that scenery behind you isn’t just a background image? It’s actually Eastern Europe? Then, that castle in the distance is actually Bran Castle…?”

“Yep, yep. You sure know your stuff.”

Of course I would.

It was the model for the castle of the famed vampire Dracula, after all.

Now that I looked carefully, I could see that the scenery displayed on the screen was actually moving in accordance with the angle of the camera—not a narrative trick, but a remote conference trick. It wasn’t a background, but her actually being on the ground, on the field.

Romania.

Okay, but why was she even so far away…? It would almost feel more natural if she were still at the North Pole, but why in the world was Kagenui-san already in Europe, which we had set as our destination?

Was she there to get in our way?

But there had to be a limit to how far she could forestall us.

It would surpass Gaen-san’s omniscience and Oshino’s perceptiveness—I’d already considered her a terrifying person, but was she this terrifying?

Was she actually Aikawa Jun?

No, for humanity’s strongest, that episode ended up published only just after the declaration of emergency, so her outrageous and chaotic contract work was performed in a Venice before Corona, you know? Amazing how these differences could arise, even in the midst of a disaster that affected everyone in the world equally. But it wasn’t the time to be surprised at my good timing—as is often said, first come, first served. For now, I followed up with my next remark.

“...In your case, Kagenui-san, you’re probably not there for sightseeing.”

“It’s a business trip.”

What a normal-sounding reason.

Though I couldn’t just accept it normally.

“But don’t get the wrong idea. When I came here, there weren’t any travel restrictions yet. And then suddenly countries started to close down one by one, so now I’m in a bit of a spot since I can’t go home. My movement’s already limited even in regular times, so with things like this, I gotta say, it felt a lot more free at the North Pole.”

“Uh-huh…”

When she put it like that, it could be counted as one of those things that were happening all the time in today’s world, but even if she made it sound like she’d left the country following the proper procedures… For Kagenui-san, the word “business” referred to the extermination of immortal oddities.

It felt like the conversation was leading in an unpleasant direction.

The worst-case scenario popped up in my mind.

It was unsettling… Basically, what if Shinobu’s hunch of “something happened to my sworn friend” meant that that sworn friend, Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster, had been exterminated at the hands of Kagenui-san?

With her having lived too long a life, and with the times having changed, Suicidemaster may no longer have needed to be exterminated, but in the end, whether or not to turn a blind eye was up to Kagenui-san’s, as well as Gaen-san’s, discretion.

It was flexible, and yet, it was inflexible.

Perhaps the reason she took the opportunity to casually invite Shinobu and I to Europe after being much obliged to receive our call with good timing was, in fact, to confirm the identity of the body… Perhaps Suicidemaster had become so beaten up that only her sworn friend, Shinobu, would be capable of identifying her.

For Kagenui-san to invite us first, you could say it was quite literally a lifeboat38, but it was as though that boat had already been wrecked.

As though my silence was of no concern to her, Kagenui-san said,

“But it’s been rough goin’, and I dunno what the world is gonna be like goin’ forward. So, well, I figured I was still owed something from you, Araragi-kun, so I’d like for you to lend me a hand,”

continuing the conversation.

Huh? Was there still something I owed to this person?

Oh, there was… She’d saved the life of my sisters once or twice, and she’d been someone I could rely on when I couldn’t turn back after becoming a vampire.

She’d also trained me in hand-to-hand combat on the grounds of the Kitashirahebi Shrine, hadn’t she… Honestly, unlike Oshino, she didn’t really give off the feeling of being one of my benefactors.

However, she’d said it was rough going. Not a shipwreck.39

In other words, even if the purpose of Kagenui-san’s voyage was the extermination of Suicidemaster, it at least meant that she hadn’t managed to accomplish that just yet—thus, there was still time to fulfill Shinobu’s desire to save her sworn friend from crisis.

Or was there… No, there still was.

I was going to believe that there still was.

Did that mean that, the way things would go from here on out was that we would accept Kagenui-san’s invitation to go to Europe, but we would interfere with her work afterwards? This had become something completely different from what I’d been expecting.

Even if she didn’t feel like a benefactor, this was on the level of returning her favor with spite.

I never thought I’d realize how true that archaic viewpoint was, about how remote calls couldn’t properly convey minor nuances and feelings… If this had been a face-to-face conversation, there would have been a good chance that I would already have taken a good beating from Kagenui-san, for no reason at all.

Though I’d prefer that she had a reason for it.

Since the plan had already been killed, I wanted to officially state my plan for the record without prior context, but my original plan had been as follows: since it wouldn’t be simple to directly obtain permission for a trip to Europe from Gaen-san, or rather, since there would be overwhelming resistance to the idea the moment we applied, I figured I could (vaguely) go through Gaen-san’s direct junior, Kagenui-san. I thought it had been pretty logical, but now I realized that it was a plan riddled with holes, not to mention small-minded.

I was trying to avoid the Three Closes, but I didn’t realize I’d avoided “close examination” as well.40

To be honest, I’d even entertained the possibility that Kagenui-san might find it bothersome and arbitrarily give me permission herself—but, I never thought that, instead of permission, she’d invite me there herself.

It was a brilliant request.

Though it was something that made me worry.

Whether or not I should just go along with the flow.

It felt like that flow would become quite the stormy sea, but if I allowed the conversation to proceed smoothly without trying to wrap things up myself, I would probably be able to secure the second goal of a “means of transportation”, killing two birds with one stone.

Though the smoothness of the conversation was like a rapidly accelerating conveyor belt headed straight for hell… Sheesh, how many more times would I need to fall to hell before I’d be satisfied?

I’d never heard of a repeat customer to hell.

Rather than “Roux-mania”, maybe it was like “Hot-springs-mania”?

“All right. I had more time on my hands than I knew what to do with, and I would be honored to be given the opportunity to assist you, Kagenui-san. And learn from you, as well. Ah, but, what a shame! I don’t have enough funds on hand to pay for the travel expenses…”

“Aah, yeah. Not like part-timers are gettin’ a lot of shifts these days. And tuition has gotten pretty ridiculous, hasn’t it?”

She was being understanding, but I’d never taken up a job in the first place. My tuition had been paid in full by my parents, and unlike Oikura, I hadn’t applied for any scholarships… So I hadn’t experienced any pain or bitterness on that front.

Speaking of which, unlike Oshino and Kaiki, Kagenui-san had actually graduated from university, hadn’t she… I really had to wonder what kind of student she was.

I could hardly imagine it.

“And, Araragi-kun, it ain’t like you got diplomatic privileges like me.”

“Kagenui-san, you have diplomatic privileges!?”

Why!?

Isn’t she the worst person to be given those!?

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Well then, I’ll dispatch Yotsugi over to where you are, so have her give you a ride. To tell you the truth, that’s how I got here, too.”

Got all the way to Europe without any jet lag, said Kagenui-san—I’d be incurring damage to my mind and body on a level that far surpassed mere jet lag, but, well, that was more or less the clincher behind my video call with Kagenui-san.

I’d briefly alluded to the idea that, when Shinobu and Suicidemaster came over to Japan, they did so via a mighty leap (daring to disregard the rule that vampires couldn’t cross flowing water), so Ononoki-chan, the power-type character who was Kagenui-san’s shikigami and a former freeloader in the Araragi home, should be capable of the same thing.

The move specialized in transportation, “Unlimited Rulebook”... It had helped Shinobu and I countless times previously.

Though those times were for domestic travel… I’d only been assuming that, if that shikigami tween girl were to get serious, she’d be able to leap to the other side of the Earth, but it seemed my assumption was right on the money.

“Of course, that kid ain’t the King of Oddities, the iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded vampire in her heyday, so reachin’ Europe in a single go with ‘Unlimited Rulebook’ just ain’t possible. You’ll have to take multiple layovers across the Eurasian continent.”

Seemed like fantasy clashed with reality in a weird way.

Multiple layovers, huh…

“Huh…? If you’re ‘dispatching’ her, then does that mean Ononoki-chan is currently working together with you, Kagenui-san?”

“Of course. She’s my shikigami, so ain’t that only natural?”

I was thinking there’d been quite a long period of time where it wasn’t, in fact, natural… Not just about when she was freeloading in the Araragi home, but also when she’d been working as Sengoku’s partner.

“Hm? If it’s about Nadeko-chan, I’ve already had Yotsugi pull out from there.”

Hey, hey.

Your information isn’t up-to-date, Tsukihi-chan.

“Since I had ties with her, too, I was kinda waverin’ between whether I should ask you or Nadeko-chan for help. So your call was good timing. Yotsugi’s gonna be disappointed, though.”

So she’ll feel disappointment… That it’s me and not Sengoku. But really, I also had to recognize that I’d made this call with incredibly good timing.

This was like the only part of me that was actually worth anything.

It probably wasn’t enough to serve as my atonement, but it was probably better for me to bear the burden of helping Kagenui-san over Sengoku… But anyway, so that’s what happened. I’d heard that, after leaving the Araragi home, she’d gone to stay with Sengoku, but apparently Ononoki-chan had withdrawn from there, too.

As Kagenui-san had said, it would be as though she’d returned to her primary role of being the shikigami of an onmyouji—as for me, I would simply look forward to celebrating our reunion.

If the situation was leisurely enough for that.

“Incidentally, may I ask for the reason Ononoki-chan was pulled out from where Sengoku was?”

“Huh, you curious?”

“Well, yes… Considering the circumstances behind her getting fired from her job of monitoring me.”

I couldn’t help but worry that she’d messed something up again. It could just be a needless concern, and I certainly didn’t want to increase the number of my concerns in this situation (not a superfluous concern, but a Yotsugi concern41). Having said that, it would be quite courageous of me to board a plane that was known to have flaws.

Ononoki-chan could be pretty clumsy about these things, after all.

“But I dunno all that much myself. You should go and ask her ‘bout it. I’ll have Yotsugi explain what kind of work I want you to do, too. Lessee, I think she’ll be arriving in Japan in about two hours.”

“I see. That’s a lot longer than I was thinking.”

For a Europe–Japan trip that would normally take over ten hours via airplane, it was actually on the faster side. But thinking of it as a shortcut made via mighty leaps, even knowing that it consisted of multiple layovers, it felt like it was more of a congested pace than I had anticipated.

Did it even make sense to use “congested” for airways?42

It was hard to believe that she was the type to take her time getting ready. There had to be another reason for it.

“It’s because for each layover, she needs to pick out a safety zone with zero cases of the novel coronavirus. As a corpse doll, Yotsugi herself can’t get infected, but it wouldn’t be funny if she carried the virus into Japan, right? Especially for you, Araragi-kun, since you seem like you’d get into close contact with her.”

“Well, I can’t say that I won’t.”

“Say that much, at least!”

Her threatening voice gave me a bit of a scare.

I take back what I said earlier. She was terrifying even over the phone.

This wasn’t peer pressure. This was just pressure.

You could even say it was violence.

After all, she was the violent onmyouji.

However, this was not just a facetious exchange. If I needed to patronize ONK Airlines, then even if I were a respectable young man, I would have no choice but to wrap my arms around her body.

It wasn’t time for morality to shine here.

It was my time to shine.

“Both you and Shinobu-chan should make sure that you avoid ‘infecting and being infected’, too. You aren’t diplomats like I am, so it would be a big problem if you ended up unable to return, y’know?”

Even in times like these, it’s a good idea to see things through and graduate from the university you worked so hard to get into—said Kagenui-san, likely recalling her two colleagues that had dropped out. And, either due to a problem with the signal or because she’d finished saying everything she needed to say, the video call was forcibly—that is to say, violently—terminated.