Monogatari Series - Volume 27 - Chapter 1.29

029

“Ochiba-chan, right? Whew, glad I could find you. Your parents asked me to come and pick you up.”

After two hours of waiting with my car parked on the shoulder of the road, I was able to finally roll down the window of the driver’s seat and call out to the high school girl that was walking by while looking at her smartphone.

Jouraku Ochiba-chan.

A Naoetsu High uniform. Short skirt. Bob cut. It couldn’t be anyone else.

It matched up with the information that Higasa-chan had provided me, but she didn’t seem as though she’d gone astray, or even turned into a gyaru, in the way the information had made it seem—perhaps that was just the extent of my hometown, but if the limits of her bad behavior was walking while looking at her smartphone, then this town was practically idyllic.

To think I’d left such a good town.

“Now, hop in. Your parents are worried about you.”

From the driver’s seat, I pushed the switch to unlock the door to the back seat—with me essentially trying to wear her down by force, Ochiba-chan slowly raised her head from her smartphone with a doubtful expression before her eyes landed on the child seat that had been installed in the passenger seat.

“......”

And, despite her hesitation, she silently boarded the “car that had come to pick her up”.

It was extremely careless for a high school girl, but if she’d decided to trust me because of the child seat, then that was a fortunate miscalculation… Introducing one’s child or elderly parent was an extremely effective technique used by con men, so perhaps I’d seemed like someone’s parent.

Or perhaps she had just given in to despair… As soon as she sat down in the back seat, she stretched out her legs as a former track team member would do, so perhaps she held a brusque attitude of “whatever happens, happens”. Especially since she immediately returned her attention to the social network game on her smartphone.

“Can you fasten your seatbelt? Also, please turn off your phone in the car. It’s a foreign car controlled by a computer, so using your phone might affect the driving.”

“...? Uh, okay.”

Even though she seemed to be in doubt, the high school girl did as she was told… Fastening one’s seatbelt was within the realm of common sense, so of course she would follow it, but the fact that I was able to succeed in getting her to turn off her smartphone by pretending it was a similar kind of rule was an unexpected blessing.

Since it would be troublesome if she called for help midway.

Wasn’t this also a con man technique, to start from a small yes to draw out a bigger yes? Hm. Well, it was possible that being a con man would be better.

Since what I was doing was complete child abduction… I guess, even after entering university, I was continuing to kidnap underage girls.

My criminal mindset overflowed.

It wasn’t something I could just apologize for.

In any case, I stepped on the gas pedal. To get away from there as fast as possible… As I made a right turn at the intersection, I once again confirmed the presence of Ochiba-chan in the back seat using the rear-view mirror.

Honestly, I had no memory of having ever seen this girl when she was a second-year when I was still in high school… After all, I’d only really gotten to know Higasa-chan after graduating, so I basically didn’t know any of the second-years outside of Kanbaru.

It wasn’t a matter of being acquaintances just by having met them once.

From what I could see, she just seemed like a serious high school girl… I didn’t really get the impression of her being a track team member, but maybe that was just because it’d been a while since she retired? She looked surprisingly dainty for an athlete. Perhaps, like astronauts, her arduous studying had caused her muscles to atrophy.

“Did they say anything?”

she said.

Though she’d been silent up until now, she’d finally said something to me in the driver’s seat… Eh? Was she talking about the informant?

“My mom and dad. Were they angry at me?”

“Ah. Well, they were worried. After all, the entrance exams are coming up…”

“Haha.”

She laughed. Scornfully.

“Entrance exams, huh? There’s nothing to worry about, I’ll pass all the ones I’m taking. Without overextending myself—unlike you, Araragi-senpai.”

She’d struck me right when I’d felt relieved.

Well, just like with Boyfie-kun, just because I didn’t know about her didn’t necessarily mean that she didn’t know about me. Did that mean that it wasn’t the child seat that gained her trust, but my face?

“Did we happen to cross paths in a hallway at some point?”

“Not at all. But I frequently heard your name from the guidance counselor—about the legendary examinee that went from a standard score of zero to getting into a prestigious university.”

It made me want to burst into laughter.

A scornful laughter, but at myself.

Being the biggest dropout in the history of Naoetsu High, and being not the legendary vampire but the legendary examinee… The embellishment of these rumors were showing no signs of stopping.

Really, a standard score of zero?

“‘You should follow in his footsteps,’ the teachers would say—but they shouldn’t expect so much from me. But if anything, you’re like a reality I’d rather avert my eyes from, Araragi-senpai. My great senior.”

“—After meeting the real thing, I don’t seem like that much of a big deal, right?”

“I dunno. You’re riding in a pretty impressive car, and you’ve let your hair grow out the way you want like a hippie. It seems my great senior is as free as ever after getting into university. I can’t help but admire that.”

I could feel her sarcasm through the rear-view mirror.

The only reason I’d grown my hair out was to hide my vampire bite marks, but I didn’t think that excuse would pass—and, if I explained that my parents had brought me the car, and it was hard to drive in Japan because the steering wheel was on the left side, it would probably have the opposite effect.

With both of us being dropouts from an elite school, I thought we’d be able to commiserate a bit more, but it seemed she was antagonistic to me… However, I felt the same way about her.

After all, the reason I came to see Ochiba-chan wasn’t purely for her sake alone… My reasons were impure, and even boorish. It was for Hitagi’s sake, for Oikura’s sake, for Meniko’s sake, and for my sake, but it wasn’t for hers.

“So, were they angry? My mom and dad.”

“......”

So she hadn’t actually realized I was lying.

She was really just a meek little girl, so it was a bit of an anticlimax… In the sense that she was really concerned about being told off by her parents. Even though in my mind, I’d been treating this as one of my biggest confrontations since I faced off against the three vampire hunters, Dramaturgy, Episode, and Guillotinecutter.

But that wasn’t it, huh?

It was closer to my confrontation with Ougi-chan.

The front and the back—even though this girl and I shared the same failure attribute, the timing was a little different… Well, if you asked me, it was an exaggeration to call her a failure just because she lowered the rank of her first-choice school, but she probably didn’t want to hear that from me.

“What would you do if they were angry? Apologize?”

“Of course I’d apologize. Sorry for worrying you. Father, Mother, I’m sorry I’m such a stupid daughter.”

After saying that, Ochiba-chan actually demonstrated bowing her head in the rear-view-mirror—but it was nothing but a demonstration, as her face was showing a faint smile.

“Araragi-senpai, would you say you’re good at apologizing?”

“Hm—to my parents? I don’t know about that.”

Now that she’d asked me, it didn’t really feel like I apologized to them all that much. While we maintained a pretty good relationship at the moment, in my high school days, it had been pretty volatile. Perhaps even now, it was just because we were keeping an appropriate distance between us.

“Not just to your parents. To your teachers or your friends or your girlfriend. To be more specific, not just apologizing, but apologizing and being forgiven—are you good at that?”

“...I would say I’m bad at it, if I had to choose.”

That could mean that I’d done a lot of things that I shouldn’t be forgiven for, but in my case, there were too many things that I didn’t even want to be forgiven for.

The child abduction I was carrying out right now was one of those, and also, the treatment I was about to perform on Ochiba-chan—naturally, I wasn’t just driving with the intention of taking her all the way back to her house.

I was heading to a different place.

I could also call it a place I was quite familiar with.

“I’m pretty good at it, you see. Being forgiven. In other words, pretending to apologize.”

“Pretending—to apologize?”

Was this what Higasa-chan had mentioned about her basketball club juniors?

The hierarchical relationship of the athletic types was beyond my comprehension.

“Well, to be clear, I don’t have any experience in prostrating myself. If anything, that just antagonizes people more. If you use that, you shouldn’t be surprised if people think you’re just drunk on your own performance.”

When you want to admit defeat, the point is to look like you’re actually defeated—continued Ochiba-chan, still with her faint smile.

“Rather than bowing your head, it’s more important to slump your shoulders. With a downcast look. It’s fine to get your eyes to tear up, but if you actually start crying, people will just think you’re annoying. It’s not smart to try and pressure them into forgiving you. It’s pointless if it comes back to bite you later, after all. The best thing is to look like you’re trying not to cry—you should lower your voice as much as possible, and… That’s right, you should look like you’re trying to endure your own shame.”

“...Is it fine to not show any signs of remorse?”

I had no idea what she was trying to get at with this conversation, but I decided to keep it going—not because I thought it would provide a hint as to how to deal with her, but just because I was curious.

Or, as preparation.

“It can have the opposite effect if you appear to be too understanding. If anything, rather than being remorseful, you want to give off the impression that you want to refute them, so that the other person gets the feeling of ‘making you surrender’. So that they experience the joy of making their opponent submit through force, or intellect, or logic, or justice. If you give people that kind of sexual excitement, their anger will cool down, and they’ll be more forgiving.”

It was pretty startling to hear the words “sexual excitement” coming from a high school girl in an enclosed car—but indeed, it really seemed like they would forgive her.

“But, Ochiba-chan. In the end, that isn’t apologizing, it’s just pretending to apologize, right? If they were to find out, they’d get even angrier… In that case, I feel like it would be better to apologize clumsily and without any strategy.”

“As long as my sincerity gets across, you mean? But there are a lot of people that hate it when you apologize with something as egotistic as ‘sincerity’—the real thrill of an apology comes from throwing away your ‘ego’ or your ‘self’ and becoming completely compliant. It’s actually pretty funny once you get used to it. But putting that aside, just because I’m pretending to apologize, that doesn’t mean I’m not being sincere or grateful, Araragi-senpai.”

? What did she mean by that?

I would’ve thought that if I truly felt apologetic, I wouldn’t need to pretend—like how borrowing the royal mantle of the King of Oddities didn’t make me the King of Oddities myself.

“It’s true that I feel sorry for my mom and dad. And it’s because I feel sorry, I want to convey those feelings in the most cost-effective way.”

“...Since there’s no meaning to feelings that aren’t conveyed?”

“Right. Like how there’s no meaning to love that isn’t conveyed—apparently, when my dad proposed to my mom, he came up with all sorts of plans like making reservations at a restaurant with a romantic night view or memorizing a Shakespearean sonnet. It’s like that.”

No matter how apologetic one felt, if they just vomited that feeling out as mere emotion—the one being vomited at would feel nothing but bewildered, like Meniko and me.

Unconventional apologies that didn’t conform to the standard, that ignored the feelings of the other person, were no different from just hitting that person—so when you apologize, you should make sure to look apologetic, was what she meant.

It was a good thing to learn.

“You called prostrating yourself a performance, but Ochiba-chan, aren’t all apologies a kind of performance? Going beyond just manners, rituals, or convention and instead being for the sake of hospitality.”

“Hospitality.95 That’s exactly right—if someone is mad at you, you’d rather have them smiling, right? So you should do as much as you can.”

If there’s no front side, then there’s no back side, either.

If a smile is a front-facing expression, then an apology would have circumstances lying in the back.

It just makes me all the more invested in the performance.

After saying all that, Ochiba-chan bowed her head once more—slumping her shoulders and trembling.

It wasn’t the time to be impressed, but she really was good at it… If Hitagi or Oikura had acted like that, I might have actually believed them entirely.

But, if we turned that around—on the flip side, it didn’t necessarily mean that the aggressive apologizing of Naoetsu High graduates enrolled in Manase University, initiated by Hitagi, Oikura, and Boyfie-kun, were actually based on Ochiba-chan’s intentions or scheming.

They may be based on law, but they weren’t based on her.

They may have strings attached, but she wasn’t pulling the strings.

Let’s consider the case of Boyfie-kun. If he had been someone under Ochiba-chan’s control, then he wouldn’t have appeared in such a ragged state, and instead would have visited while wearing a crisp suit and bringing with him a box of cakes. That in itself would have been bewildering in a different way, but most likely, it would’ve been hard for me to turn the tables back on him.

Well… That’s what I wanted to think..

Otherwise, it didn’t make that much sense.

Making them apologize by bringing back up things that have already been forgiven, or making them apologize by insisting that they’ve committed crimes that nobody accused them of… It was neither constructive nor productive. To borrow Ochiba-chan’s words, such apologies held no hospitality for anyone.

But it was still possible.

Law wasn’t my major, but even I knew that the intent of the law, and how it was interpreted or enforced, did not always match for every case—even an evil law may be a law, but in the end, all laws depended on their application. It was likely that the existence of a law expert, who would go and exterminate the human race because they carried the ideal that “all bad people should be executed”, wasn’t just a matter of a thought experiment.

The ayamarei.

The law was on a rampage—or was it Ochiba-chan’s heart that was on a rampage?

Her uncontrollable feelings—were being conveyed.

Apologize.

“Those kangaroo-court-like apology press conferences are often criticized for being like public executions for the sake of entertainment, but in the first place, whether in Japan or other countries, executions have always been spectacles carried out in public places, right? It’s all for show. It’s all showmanship.”

Showmanship.

At that word, I was reminded of the way Boyfie-kun had come apologizing to me in public.

“To go even further, it’s showbiz. Rather than setting an example, capital punishment is just a spectacle. People just love it, you see. They love watching others apologize—especially watching people like me, who get carried away thinking they’re so capable, apologize. In that case, I should get down on my knees to apologize in order to satisfy them, right? Oh, I’m not actually getting down on my knees, just handling it in a similar way.”

“...Isn’t it too early to give up?”

I cut her off.

I’d thoroughly discussed the viewpoint of the apologizing party with Ougi-chan, Meniko, Shinobu, Higasa-chan, and Hachikuji, so it was honestly pretty fresh to hear about the viewpoint of the party being apologized to. And while I wanted to keep talking about it, to keep trying to understand her philosophy, unfortunately, we were approaching our destination—so, before I accomplished my goal, I had to give it to her.

I had to give her a chance. A second chance.

“Huh? What do you mean, give up?”

“On your first-choice school. You said you’d changed it—you see, for me, at the start of January, I was half-dead. Oh, I mean my grades… But, from there, I was able to regain my strength—”

“......”

No, that wasn’t it.

As far as I could tell from her reaction in the rear-view mirror.

It was clearly ruining her mood. Up until now, she’d been almost pridefully explaining the aesthetics of an apology, but now, she was simply frowning.

“—If you want, I can be your private tutor in constant attendance. Night and day, twenty-four hours a day, giving you all my attention.”

It was an offer that I’d also given to Higasa-chan, but I’d been serious then, too.

It was because I’d gotten that same treatment, and so, it was the maximum I was capable of—you could also say it was the maximum I could concede, but even as I spoke those words, I could tell that that wasn’t it, either. It was obviously the wrong answer.

“—You’re saying the same things as those people, huh. I’m kind of disappointed—I thought I would hear something more unique from the legendary Araragi.”

Her faint smile had completely disappeared, and Ochiba-chan instead spoke with a mocking attitude.

“Don’t give up, keep at it, work hard, if I could do it, then so can you—you’re exactly the same as those people.”

“...Those people?”

I asked even though I knew what she meant, and the student said, “Those people are those people,” shaking her head.

“The Naoetsu High seniors I met at the open campus. The people I knew and the people I didn’t know, all of them had colorful backgrounds. Each with their own individual colors, making them all multicolored. Like being sick with an illness, or having once dropped out from school—”

“......”

“But, in the end, they said all the same things. Don’t give up, keep at it, work hard, if I could do it, then so can you—that’s not it. That’s not what I want to hear.”

I’m the one who knows the most that I can do it—said Ochiba-chan.

“It’s because I didn’t give up, I kept at it, and I worked hard that I’m suffering so much. If it was going to be like this, I wouldn’t have bothered—they say that it’s better to regret having done it than regret not having done it, but there’s no way that’s better! Because I’m regretting it so much, you know!?”

She’d suddenly bent forward towards the driver’s seat, though that movement was restricted by her seatbelt—it had just been an excuse, but I’m glad I’d gotten her to fasten it.

Well, even that might be too insecure, so perhaps I should've put her in the child seat instead. Even so, it would’ve been enough for my goal.

“I don’t want you to cheer for me. I don’t want you to tell me to keep at it. I don’t want you to tell me to work hard. Even when I was on the track team, those words crushed me. I couldn’t deal with everyone’s expectations… I was never once able to run better during the real race than I did in practice. But even so, I thought I could carry over the willpower I’d gained from training to my studying, and my grades actually improved for a bit—but I stopped growing much earlier than I expected. Do you understand? The legendary Araragi. The feeling of being disappointed in yourself?”

Constantly, was what I said in response, but she didn’t hear it—even now, I was disappointed in myself.

I couldn’t even save a single worried girl.

Not in the same way I’d been saved.

“The more it felt like I couldn’t do it, the more those cheers sounded like harassment. It sounded like a curse. No—like a command.”

“...Then, Ochiba-chan. What did you want to hear?”

If you asked me, it was a leading question worse than Hachikuji’s. I was trying to extract a definitive confession from her… My police officer parents would surely be lamenting my use of this method.

“What I wanted to hear? Well, during the open campus, even as I listened respectfully to my seniors, I was constantly thinking about this. During that alumni visit to convince my parents that I was still motivated, that I wasn’t just taking the exam for show, I was permanently thinking about this. That I don’t need words like, don’t give up, keep at it, work hard.”

Apologize.

For being fulfilled, for having fun, for being delighted, for being blessed, for standing at the top, for having everything, for looking down at me from above, for having time to spare, for acting self-important, for being neat and tidy, for being prepared, for laughing, for being speedy, for having connections, for making merry, for linking arms, for flourishing, for being high-class, for having no worries, for having no concerns, for being kind, for getting to choose, for conquering, for having a tomorrow, for having dreams for the future, for having no insecurity, for having peace of mind, for getting to restart your life, for getting back on your feet, for having friends, for having lovers, for having a family, for having boyfriends, for having girlfriends, for being enriched, for having meaning, for achieving your goals, for being clever, for being educated, for being optimistic, for looking up, for taking center stage, for getting to soar, for being able to breathe, for not being hungry, for getting things resolved, for getting to make memories, for being festive, for having the wind blow in your direction, for being upwind, for being enlightened, for not being rained on, for having stars shining in the night sky, for having flowers bloom, for making it past the finish line, for producing results, for having good luck, for having sharp senses, for being cute, for being considerate, for being saved, for being able to meet, for being able to be together, for not being alone.

For being happy.

For having a story to tell.

“Apologize to me,”

said Ochiba-chan—the enforcer of the law gave the command.

As if burning away her own life.

“Apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, 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apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, 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apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize.”

As if shooting off those words.96

As if stabbing, repeatedly.

As if reciting every entry from the complete book of the Six Codes—Jouraku Ochiba demanded more than just a little apology.

“—Sorry, Ochiba-chan.”

To the girl that had agonized over such thoughts, I gave my response. While stepping on the brakes.

“I won’t apologize. And I can’t apologize—I’ll apologize in advance for that.”

“...? Where is this? This isn’t my house…”

After making her demands, it didn’t seem as though she’d heard my double-negative apology, and instead simply looked bewildered at the unfamiliar scenery outside the car. Perhaps she’d finally realized her unbelievable lack of a sense of danger, or how careless she was for recklessly boarding the car of a guy she didn’t know very well when he called out to her in the evening—but unfortunately, it was too late.

In the end, it was like front and back with that kid—it was the same surprise as the one Ougi-chan had given me yesterday, but I couldn’t reach his level of behind-the-scenes directing, as our destination was much too dreary to be called a surprise.

Or rather, it was an empty lot. Filled with weeds.

A vacant plot of land that no one would dare step into, even without a No Entry sign.

“—Here, there used to be a cram school. It ended up burning down due to arson, so there’s nothing left of it anymore, but… I learned a lot at this cram school.”

Well, even before it burst into flames, it had been an abandoned building for as long as I’d known of it, but even so, there was no doubt that I’d learned a lot there.”

“So…? I told you already, I don’t need you to help me study, Araragi-senpai. I’m different from you. I’m not you.”

“No, you are me. You, too, are my back side.”

That’s why—you should learn. Learn from the bad example of Araragi Koyomi.

Realize.

“Back side? Haha, are you suggesting backdoor admissions? I’m finally hearing something interesting—”

“Bon appétit, princess.”

It’s the specialty.

The worst cuisine, with the worst ingredients—with the worst atonement.97

At my signal, a golden-haired shadow crawled forth from beneath the child-seat-installed passenger seat—and that speed wasn’t reflected in the rear-view mirror.

Of course, in her case, she could freely choose to be reflected or not—in particular, when she got serious, she wouldn’t be reflected.

As if she didn’t want to show her dining scene to me, or as if she had regained her true nature as a nightwalker for the first time in a while, the golden-haired young girl sank her fangs into another kind of neck, the ankle.98 It may have been out of consideration that, since she was a girl with a bob cut, in the unlikely event that any bite marks remained, she could at least hide those marks with high socks—it seemed even the King of Oddities was splendidly fitting into human society.

However, though there was consideration, there was no forgiveness.

Now that she’d gotten her teeth in, she would suck it all up.

“Kya—kyaaaaa!?”

The high school girl screamed as though being night-crawled upon, but it actually was like the night itself was crawling upon her—with the doors being locked from the driver’s seat, and with her being secured by the seatbelt, there was no way to escape.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!?”

She continued to scream in a panic.

But there was nothing she could do. As though she were undergoing maggot therapy, the “bad things” in her body were being sucked out together with her blood—but even though they were “bad things”, they were an important part of her composition.

Her individuality was being erased before my eyes.

The legal system—was being reformed.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—aaaaaaaaaa—aaaaaa—aaaaaaaaaa—aaaaa—”

Her school shoes were banging against the golden-haired young girl, but even against that vain struggle, the young girl’s appetite was unperturbed. The young girl’s greed increased all the more, as though consuming live seafood that still moved.

To tell the truth, this could’ve been done as soon as she'd entered the car—for a gourmet on Shinobu’s level, even the taste of the raw ingredients was enough. Especially since I’d made her endure  on campus during the day, putting on plenty of the greatest sauce: hunger.

However, I chose this place.

It was more neglected than I’d thought, so it was hardly a fancy restaurant with a romantic night view, but for me, these cram school ruins were a special place.

At this commemorative location, I wanted to be together with you.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaa—aaa—aaaaa—aa—a—apologize!”

Despite her existence being threatened from her feet, or perhaps because of it, Ochiba-chan repeated her words. As though cursing. As though loathing. As though denying everything. As though in hot pursuit. As though begging.

As though reveling in her revenge.

“Apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize, apologize—”

“—All of you, stray from the right path.”99

She’d finally become quiet, but my heart continued to pound.

As someone who’d lived his life consumed in an inferiority complex, I’d honestly believed that I’d be able to understand Ochiba-chan’s feelings more… Even though I hadn’t had any direct contact with her before, I’d been conceited enough into thinking that there was something I could tell her as her senior.

But it was hopeless.

Until the very end, I was unable to sympathize, and until the end of the end, she held more antagonism for me than I’d held for her… If I had still been a high schooler, in the same year as her, would I have been able to save Ochiba-chan in a much more proper way, instead of this use of force?

Could I have been able to help her?

Perhaps, being soaked to my shoulders in the lukewarm water of a moratorium, I was no longer able to understand the feelings, worries, and gloominess of high school students—if I had been soaked to my head, I might have said something completely different.

Those entrance exams, which should have been excruciating for me, had completely become good memories. Why was it that I felt the bitingly serious worries of those examinees as just small matters? The anguish of not seeing your grades rise, the frustration of changing your school of choice—maybe those were just common occurrences at that age…?

Now that I’d become capable, did incapable people start to look incapable? Although, when it came to living, I should still be more incapable than anyone… If anything, I should be even worse at it than I was in the past.

But, even before that, this might be simple nostalgia… Instead of good memories, I was just beautifying my memories. In my high school days, I hadn’t actually been all that helpful for Hitagi or Oikura, or for Kanbaru or Sengoku or Hachikuji.

So, it wasn’t like I’d become weak.

I’d simply grown, in a way appropriate for my age.

Even though I could proceed to university, I couldn’t evolve…100 I still remained myself.

Not even the law could change the fact that I am me.

With the sound of chewing, attempting to swallow whole the complete book of the Six Codes that recorded all those stuffy laws, continuing on behind me, I entered the address of Ochiba-chan’s house that I’d obtained from Higasa-chan into my navigation.

Stray from the right path.

Even that lovely wish, made from the condensed anguish of that discouraged girl, was something I couldn’t comply with tonight.