Monogatari Series - Volume 27 - Chapter 1.28

028

“People change. That goes for anyone.

“They’ll change in mind and they’ll change in body.

“Life is full of vicissitudes, and things are constantly in flux—how long ago was the golden age of the King of Oddities, Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade, anyway?

“She, who transformed from human to demon, then from demon to young girl.

“Though I like myself as I am now, there are those that prefer who they used to be in the past—from my mother’s perspective, she may have thought that I was the cutest when I was suffering in my sickbed, when I couldn’t do anything or say anything that I wanted to.

“But it’s not just me. It differs for most people.

“That is, how you evaluate yourself, and how others evaluate you.

“When that happens, people often say that you should listen to how others evaluate you, but is that really true? Shouldn’t I know myself the best?

“Isn’t it just that people who don’t even know me are just saying whatever they want?

“Or was it possible that I didn’t actually know myself the best—am I lacking in awareness of who I really am?

“When it comes to artists and creators and musicians, the works from their most popular or highly-evaluated eras are not necessarily the works that they themselves are proud of—and there are plenty of authors that are blatantly disgusted when praised for their ‘sensational’ debut works.

“They blatantly pretend that they’ve ‘forgotten’.

“Like how it sometimes feels that greatest hits albums don’t actually contain the greatest—when they seal away their hit songs or avoid the best-sellers, it’s not just because they’re in search of a new line out of a pioneering spirit, but also because of simple self-denial.

“It’s not just limited to authors—when a person can’t take pride in the objective, numbers-based peak of their life, they speak of that time as though they’re embarrassed or ashamed, but perhaps that feeling of being ‘unable to take pride’ is an approximation of the feeling of being ‘unable to apologize’.

“Like me, that person may want to think that they’re the best they can be right now, so I can understand why they would tend to deny their past selves—it’s an emotion that rivals nostalgia, but it wouldn’t just be limited to that.

“If you wanted to apologize for your past mistakes, it would first mean you had to acknowledge your past self first, and anyone would understand the fear of having to do so—if you like the way you are right now, then it makes sense to hate the past more than necessary. So, in that sense, the further back something is, the harder it is to apologize for it.

“Being stubborn.

“Even despite the idea of ‘time heals all wounds’, no matter how much the other party is willing to forgive, it would still be tough for the apologizer to bring things up.

“The one that’s most unforgiving of me is myself.

“That’s why, I can’t apologize.

“That’s why, I won’t apologize.

“If you were to ask me, then the golden age of Araragi Koyomi was his third year of high school, but I suppose for you, that era would have been hellish and nightmarish, wouldn’t it—that’s why I think this.

“I even want to say it out loud.

“I’d like to tell you—shouldn’t you go on and forgive your past self already?”