Monogatari Series - Volume 24 - Chapter 2.32

032

When Hibari turned eighteen, when she finished high school, she left our home. My big sis became a student at university.

Her wish had finally come true to her.

Don’t be obsessed. Don’t hesitate in letting go. Because, Kujaku-chan, the more you obsess over something, the harder it is to let it go. You have to think it’s fine – you have to grow, become an adult.

In the end, perhaps mummy’s words were right all along. When I had to say goodbye to sis, it felt like my heart was being cut into pieces. I even wondered why blood did not flow out from my body.

I’m sorry. I – your sister – I betrayed you.

Leaving you here, alone – it’s not what I wanted, and it’s not what I imagined. All I wanted was to rid myself of that kind of father. I’ve waited, carried this feeling with me for so long – and this is how it ends.

I originally wanted to take you with me; I really wanted to take you with me, but – if I did that, it’d be a crime. I’d have kidnapped you. I may be your sister, but I’m only your stepsister.

I thought of her as my blood sister, that was what I ended up thinking.

All I can wish for is for you to grow up soon, and leave home the first instance you can. If you run into trouble, lemme know. Here’s my spare key. Let’s keep it a sisters’ secret, shall we, Benishouga-chan?

I do not like being called ‘Benishouga-chan’ (to let my older sister know my nickname from primary school is my biggest mistake. I am still a Beniguchi to myself). However, I really like this secret I have with Hibari. I taped my sister’s address onto the spare key, and I kept it with me wherever I went. I did not let it go away from me, even when I am in the bath, I kept it with me.

I do not think the life I have led is one that should be pitied upon. But I do think that the life my big sis has led is worth pitying.

It is because she has a younger sister that my big sis Hibari still cannot be completely glad about herself, even though she has already reached her goal of ‘leaving home when she becomes eighteen’, I can still see that she is not happy.

It was because of my opsesshun with my big sis that our goodbye hurt that much more, and it was also Hibari’s opsesshun with me that stopped her from being able to live the happy life she was supposed to live.

Is opsesshun really an enemy?

Is my mother just?

And then, my life had returned, back to normal.

The house was empty once more.

Big sis Hibari was no longer there to care for me, so I had to start taking care of myself for myself.

Life isn’t that important, Kujaku-chan – if you obsess over it, you’d only become an inferior person. It’s okay if you don’t care for yourself. Mum wants you to live life your own way, and I want you to end life your own way. If you seek death, then you can die any time you want.

These words I hear a lot from both mummy and uncle who lives with us (but does not live with us), day after day, night after night, they said the same kind of thing to me.

If you seek death, then you can die any time you want.

It is a thought that made me feel relieved. But, I also feel deep down that doing that would also be a big no-no.

Just as I settled down to this everyday life, and as I began to get used to it – or, maybe, it was when I was about to give up on it –

One day, while I was walking on my way back from school.

I met a snail.

It was raining that day. The umbrella my sister bought for me was thrown away by mummy, so I was wet all over, and I was trying to go home walking under as many awnings as I could find.

I do not like it when my shoes get wet, so when it is raining, I would put them in a plastic bag and put it in my backpack, and I would go home bare-footed.

There was a question in a test that goes, ‘would you end up covered in less rain if you ran instead of walked’. Or, I think there was a question like that, in a test, but I did not run. I walked back home lazily, as I usually would.

I walked from school back to home.

It took me three hours to walk back home.

Normally, if I walked, I would make my way back home within fifteen minutes, but ever since saying goodbye with sis, if I can, I want to spend as much of my time away from home as I can, even for just one more second, so I walked home really, really slowly – when I go to school, I would do the opposite, I would dash and run there.

This ‘techniik’, of adjusting my pace, must have been my first invention, and I felt very excited – taking my time, one step after the other.

Yes, that would be it.

I walked at a snail’s pace.

Step by step, I made my way home – because I did not want to go back home, when I saw the puddles on the tarmac, I thought there was no need to avoid them, since I was already soaked, so I stepped my bare feet into the puddles, but then I heard something that was not a splash of water, and it did not feel like water either.

Then, I felt hurt, like I was stabbed by something. I started thinking it could have been a shard of glass in the water, and I became really nervous – I was nervous because big sis was no longer there to take me to the hospital.

But it was not a shard of glass that had stabbed me.

The thing that had stabbed me was shell-like.

Shell-like – a shell.

No, it may have been a shell, but it was not empty – because inside that shell, there was a snail inside that shell.

When I was slowly making my way back home, I stepped on and crushed Mister Snail living in the puddle.