Monogatari Series - Volume 11 - Chapter 1.19

019

i leave school early. Yes indeed.

While you might say that it’s too late to leave early, i can’t stand being there any longer and run out.

i’m still in my school slippers, but it doesn’t bother Nadeko.

i don’t even have the energy to cover my face.

i’m walking absentmindedly.

Even more absentmindedly than on the way to school.

Thinking back on it now, what a great time i had heading to school.

The happiest i’ve ever been.

Yes, on a stairway to heaven.

What was Nadeko even worried about back then?

“Hey, Nadeko,” i hear from Nadeko’s right wrist.

It’s Mister Serpent.

Ah, Mister Serpent. How long has it been? So he’s still here.

“You okay? You seem exhausted. Aren’t you on one of those roads for cars right now and not a sidewalk?”

“What? Did you call Nadeko’s name?” i ask, still dazed.

Nadeko’s eyes are spinning, but of course she can at least give an answer.

Nadeko’s got it together, you see.

“What could you possibly want from someone whose life is over?”

“Come on… You know your life isn’t over… But your eyes are scaring me. They’re way too empty. Like caverns or something. I thought you might not have anything there for a second. I’d crawl into those holes if I was a snake.”

“Urr…”

Nadeko’s shoulders slump.

i mean, i feel like everything is slumping, not just her shoulders. In fact, it feels like Nadeko herself has gone as low as she can go.

The self-image that she built for all these years is ruined…all crumbled away.

“It’s not like you wanted to build that image, right? I don’t get why you’re feeling so down.”

“Heheheheh.”

“Agh! What’re you laughing about?”

“…”

Nadeko has to laugh.

What i really want to do is weep, but when things get too painful, you can’t even shed tears.

“N-Nadeko…can forget about wedding dresses now.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Correction… Can forget about school uniforms now.”

Still, i do follow Mister Serpent’s advice and get back on the sidewalk, modifying the course that at some point led Nadeko into the street.

People might even think it was suicide if i got hit by a car.

Nadeko is surprised at how “gluttenous” she is, though, the way she still tries to stay alive.

“i-i’m not going back to school… Nadeko’s going to become a shut-in starting tomorrow…”

“What’s the matter? It felt great to blow up on everyone! That creepy teacher of yours, your classmates, you shut them all up!”

“Th…That’s… Everyone was…just shocked… Shocked at how ridiculous Nadeko was.”

Reminded of it by Mister Serpent, Nadeko thinks back to what happened and the way everyone looked, and a headache even more intense than her dizziness assaults her.

“Everyone was looking at Nadeko like she was trying and failing to sound cool. They were all just feeling super awkward…”

“Trying and failing to sound cool…”

“There’s no worse way to fail… By the end they weren’t even looking at Nadeko like she’s a pitiful girl. i was a painful girl, someone not even worth pitying…”

Really painful. Super painful.

Marquis de Sadeko.

“Trust me, it’s fine. It’s not that bad.”

“It is… And the fact that no one is coming after Nadeko is proof…”

“Do you want someone to come after you?”

“No, but…”

“So what do you want?”

i’m on unstable footing, emotionally and in every other way.

i don’t know where i’m headed─no, really, where is Nadeko walking to right now?

Her body is back to doing what she tells it, but…Nadeko isn’t in any place to tell it anything.

“Actually, dear. I’m sure you already know, but just to be sure.” The Serpent sounds fed up with Nadeko, like he, too, is shocked by how ridiculous she is. “I wasn’t controlling your body back there to go around and say whatever I felt like, you know─I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.”

“…”

“I guess the effects of merging with me simply showed up in a very pronounced way─the shackles you normally have on yourself were removed. There was nothing unusual about it. Your usual thoughts and feelings just came pouring out of you in a normal way─”

Usual. Normal.

“i know. Shut up already,” Nadeko says.

…i went and told him to shut up.

When an “i know” would have been enough.

But i have to lash out.

“That was Nadeko… It was Nadeko Sengoku and no one else. Nadeko herself… Nadeko said what she wanted to say, i know. You didn’t do anything wrong, Mister Serpent…”

“Yep, that’s right─as long as you know.”

“But i do think it’s your fault.”

“…”

The fact that Mister Serpent is enwrapped around Nadeko’s right wrist and merged with her─the fact that he’s sucking energy from Nadeko has to mean that he’s having some kind of effect on her body and mind.

In other words, what happened was a manifestation of those effects─though of course, Nadeko not being all there after Tsukihi cut her hair must have played some part…

i said what i wanted to say.

It wasn’t Mister Serpent, it was Nadeko.

The things building up inside her guts─the stuff that would have stayed there while i went through the months and graduated.

My impulses took over and i let it all come out, that’s all.

Horribly enough─that funny, painful─and yes, pitiful girl was Nadeko Sengoku and no one else.

The high-handedness. The incoherence.

It was all Nadeko Sengoku.

But.

“Well… Since it looks like Nadeko’s life both in and out of school has come to an end…”

Phew, i sigh as i try to switch topics.

The topic doesn’t change, of course, but i guess now that i don’t have my bangs, i’m forced to look at what’s ahead.

i’m facing forward, even if it’s only in what i say.

“While we’re at it, why don’t we end it all, Mister Serpent?”

“Hunh?”

“You already have an idea of where your object of worship is, don’t you? So let’s go find it now instead of waiting for nighttime. The sooner the better for you too, right?”

“Oh, well, why not… It’s not like I have to sleep or anything.”

“Yeah. So let’s hurry up and do this. We’ll find your object of worship, you’ll get your true power back, and then,” Nadeko says, without any particular sentiment, “we’ll part ways.”

“…”

“And it’ll all be over then─okay?”

What comes after that…isn’t something i’m able to think about.

Nothing comes to mind.

What i do know, though, is now that so many things have come to an end, i want to go through and put an end to whatever needs to be finished.

“Yeah, sure,” Mister Serpent nods.

He sounds solemn─for the first time in a while.

“That’s exactly what I want. No objections. No more subjection, either─so long as I get my body back, that’s all that matters. It’s not like I have any interest in your life, Nadeko. What you do after this is none of my concern.”

“…Right.”

i don’t even feel like arguing with him. It’d be silly.

And anyway, i feel the same way─it’s not like Nadeko is interested in what Mister Serpent is going to do after this.

Nadeko isn’t searching for Mister Serpent for Mister Serpent’s sake─it’s for her sake and hers alone.

To make amends. To atone.

She just wants to feel better about herself.

That’s all this is for. So.

“Okay… Then tell me, Mister Serpent. Where does Nadeko need to go, and where does she need to search?”

The Serpent replies immediately to Nadeko’s questions for ending it all.

In other words, he must feel determined, too─ready to end it all.

“Big Brother Koyomi’s home.”

But what the Serpent’s determination meant─was something Nadeko wouldn’t learn until a little later.

That offhanded answer.

It doesn’t surprise Nadeko too much.

“That’s where it can all end.”