Monogatari Series - Volume 11 - Chapter 1.18

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But it wasn’t Nadeko’s voice, the words came from a male student who dashingly appeared behind her from nowhere─that was the kind of twist i expected, yet no, it was Nadeko’s honest-to-goodness voice.

Air was expelled from Nadeko’s lungs.

It passed through Nadeko’s vocal cords.

And it turned into a voice emitted by Nadeko’s oral cavity.

But─Nadeko didn’t intend any of that.

“Asking someone how’s that thing going, how’s that thing going every single time you happen to see her─how do you think it’s going?! Nothing’s going anywhere! You’re supposed to be a homeroom teacher, so instead of depressing your students first thing in the day, can’t you at least lead off with a good morning?!”

“…”

Mister Sasayabu is stunned silent.

So is everyone else─they all look at Nadeko from a distance with the same expression.

i mean, Nadeko would like to wear the same expression if she could─and watch Miss Sengoku from afar, but i can see in the mirror behind Mister Sasayabu that her face is burning with a savage rage.

Her teeth are gritted, her brows are raised high, her eyes are bloodshot─and she’s glaring at everything around her.

This is really a girl i’m seeing for the first time─and i’m not talking about Nadeko’s hairstyle─but.

It’s still unmistakably Nadeko Sengoku.

It’s unmistakably─me.

“Feeling like you can say whatever the hell you want to someone just because they’re nodding quietly back at you─what’re you feeling so disappointed for when you know better than anyone else just how ridiculous the request is?! Is that your job, to be unreasonable to kids?! How the hell do you think a kid’s going to solve something that an adult can’t, hmmmm?!”

“S-Sengoku… Wh-What’s wrong with you?” a confused Mister Sasayabu asks, and Nadeko responds by stomping her foot.

Wham!

As if she’s going to put a crack in the hallway.

It’s not just her mouth, it’s not just her expression, it’s Nadeko’s whole body─that’s moving on its own against her will.

Against her will?

Is that really true, though?

“What the hell do you think’s wrong?! Who wouldn’t get mad if they’re constantly being asked to do the impossible?! You should expect this, it’s normal─hmmmm?!”

i yell.

i scream with a foul, aggressive voice.

Not exactly at Mister Sasayabu─but at everything.

With every bit of bitterness and hate i can muster.

Right at them─looking Nadeko’s targets in their eyes.

i yell.

“Give me a fucking break, civil servant! You could at least take care of some kids instead of feeling good about doing a half-assed job! Stop leaving everything up to other people! You say you’re respecting your students’ autonomy? Yeah right, like people have autonomy! Look after them like you’re supposed to, take care of them!”

“S-Sengoku…”

What is Nadeko saying?

She’s not making any sense. No, honestly, i’d like to be dumbstruck right there next to Mister Sasayabu.

i’d like to react in the exact same way as him.

This isn’t Nadeko talking, it’s Naughtyko─no.

It really is Nadeko─her and no one else.

It’s clearly Nadeko.

You can tell at a glance that it’s Nadeko.

This is─me.

This is “who I am.”

“Wh-What’s wrong, Sengoku…”

Despite being confused, Mister Sasayabu still keeps talking to Nadeko─putting his hand on her shoulder like he’s trying to pacify her─

“Don’t touch me like we’re friends or something!”

Nadeko brushes his hand aside.

Nadeko isn’t willing this to happen, of course─but it is Nadeko’s body that does the brushing.

It is Nadeko’s arms that flail around.

“Is that how you treat people─like they’re puppets or something?! Hah… I know that all I am is cute, that I don’t even talk back! But it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings! You’d better not think people who act harmless really are harmless! Just because someone’s quiet, that doesn’t mean they’re not thinking all kinds of things on the inside! People still have opinions even if they’re silent! If you’re so stupid that you don’t even understand that, how can you teach anyone anything?!”

“S-Sengoku…”

What verbal abuse.

It isn’t at all how you should speak to your homeroom teacher─actually, it’s not how you should speak to any adult, whether or not it’s your teacher, homeroom or any other kind.

“H-Hey, Sengoku? What’s wrong?” a voice calls from across the hallway… It’s a boy, someone i believe was in Nadeko’s class last school year.

i’ve forgotten his name, but i remember he was caring─it seems like he was just passing by when he happened to run into this mess, and he can’t hide his confusion.

“Y-You need to calm down. Yeah, just calm down. You’re tired, that’s what.”

Looking around, i can see that a huge crowd has gathered to watch─it feels like i’m in front of an audience of a hundred thousand.

Of course, it’s twenty or so in reality.

Being subjected to that many stares, and curious, prying stares at that─Nadeko feels like her spirit is about to break.

You might say they’re the eyes you turn on a “pitiful girl”─but maybe it’s even worse in this case.

Right.

They’re the eyes you turn on a “funny girl.”

But i can’t escape these curious stares─Nadeko doesn’t have any bangs to protect her now, and most of all, she’s facing straight ahead.

Not facing down, not lowering her eyes─

She’s staring right back at all of them.

“Calm down?! All of this is happening because I was staying calm! I’m tired?! Of course I am, anyone can see that! Stop acting like you’re being thoughtful when all you’re doing is stating the obvious!”

Nadeko is baring her fangs at this boy who was probably just worried for her, like normal─i’ve gone berserk.

No, but.

Most likely, this isn’t taking out her anger on just anything─it’s everything.

Everything in this school─is the target of Nadeko Sengoku’s anger.

She’s angry.

Nadeko is angry.

“Every one of you, every last one of you─hmmmm?! You’re just a bunch of opportunistic fencesitters! What are you, weathercocks? The way you face this way and that, turning around and around and around… Cut the crap already!”

“S-Sengoku… That’s not at all what I was thinking when I assigned you the task,” Mister Sasayabu tries to soothe Nadeko, in a tone like he’s handling something sensitive…no, fragile─you could say he’s flustered.

It does seem like the textbook way to deal with a gloomy, mild-mannered student who’s snapped…but.

When i think back, it feels like he’s always been treating Nadeko in this way.

Like he’s handling something delicate. Like he’s cleaning up broken glass.

With distant words─that don’t approach her past a certain radius.

Whatever he tells her─is so far away.

They don’t resonate or reach Nadeko’s heart.

“Your teacher just believed that you’re responsible, and─”

“Me, responsible?! Just how awful of a judge of character are you?! Can’t you at least figure out how bad of a person Nadeko Sengoku is?! C’mon, stop letting looks deceive you! That’s right, all I am is cute!”

What the hell are you doing believing in me?! screams Nadeko.

Rejecting herself─wholesale.

“…S-Sengoku.”

“Oh, fine, I get it─you won’t understand no matter what I say, not any of you! It’s a done deal, I can do all this screaming, I can bare my damn soul and all you’re going to think is that ‘she acted a little crazy for a spell’─give me a break! Listen here, I went crazy a long-ass time ago!”

Hmmmm?!

Nadeko coats her words with as much venom as possible─before starting to walk off.

Toward Mister Sasayabu─no.

He braces like he’s expecting Nadeko to put her hands on him, but she practically elbows him out of her way to head further inside the building.

“Wh-Where are you going…Sengoku?”

“Hmmmm?!” Nadeko answers his bewildered question without even bothering to look back. “Where the hell else? I just have to do my job as class president, don’t I─your damn orders! You oughta be happy, dumbass!”

H-Hold on, wait a second.

What are you up to, Nadeko?

While i’m more perplexed than Mister Sasayabu or anyone else, i don’t see any bewilderment when i notice Nadeko reflected in a mirror she passes by, just aggravation─and i stomp straight toward Nadeko’s classroom.

Year 2, Class 2’s.

A class that’s fallen apart and is free of problems.

Every bit of Nadeko’s will now tries to halt her feet, her body, but they show no signs of stopping whatsoever─it really feels like i’m a puppet.

A marionette.

But in that case, who’s manipulating Nadeko now? And is it her body or her mind that’s being manipulated?

As soon as Nadeko climbs the stairs and arrives in front of her classroom, she peeks inside through the small window on its door.

It’s an oddly discreet thing to do, given all her rough words and actions─almost all of her classmates are gathered there.

Is that what she’s checking to see?

But what Nadeko does next is what really surprises Nadeko… i know this all sounds confusing, but please understand. i apologize, but Nadeko isn’t in a psychological state where she can give a proper explanation. She’s not in a physical state to, either─and Nadeko kicks the door.

Kicks it down. Kicks it down?

“!!”

To describe the kick, it’s similar to a technique Karen often uses, a bold, brash, and fearless rolling savate with her legs wide open─the single strike, carrying all her weight, blows the sliding door off its rails and into the class.

Nadeko’s body should have close to zero athletic ability. i never imagined it held this much energy─the door slams straight into the teacher’s desk and makes a loud noise.

All the students in class turn to look─first at the teacher’s desk and the smashed door, then at Nadeko Sengoku as she swaggers in.

Nadeko feels like she’s pale and mortified, but there must be rage on her face. The imbalance is confusing.

On the other hand, i’ve figured out something.

Why Nadeko peeked into the classroom before entering─well, before kicking down the door.

She was checking to see that no students were near the door─in other words, she was making sure no fragments from it would hit anyone when she kicked it down.

This, at the very least, is a relief.

Because while she might seem hotblooded and furious, her actions are calculated and coolheaded─therefore, she might not actually do anything too crazy.

Thank goodness.

Nadeko did just say some awful, abusive things to her homeroom teacher and her old classmate, but apparently she still has some consideration left for her fellow students.

Sure, her grand entry might have been excessive, but at this rate, maybe she won’t say anything too awful to everyone.

Nadeko strides toward the teacher’s desk.

And then she faces her class.

“Listen up, you maggots!”

i expected wrong.

This isn’t even verbal abuse. i don’t want to have to categorize it as language. What kind of a greeting is that?

Everyone in class is staring.

The first thing their eyes ask is, “Who the hell is that?”… Of course, it doesn’t take long for them to “dissern” that Nadeko is Nadeko. Really, it’s just that her bangs are gone…so it can’t be too hard to figure out after a close look.

Also, Nadeko’s voice is still the same.

No matter how rough─it may sound now.

“C’mon, you maggots! Speak up!”

Please stop…

Stop… Free Nadeko…

If Nadeko could move her hands the way she wanted, the first thing she would do is put her head in them, not use them to cover her face─but what she does in reality is to slam them on the teacher’s desk.

There’s so much force that i think the desk might break too─it doesn’t, of course, but i do feel like i took a few years off of its life-span.

No one tries to speak up, of course.

They’re staring blankly.

“Listen up, all of you. You need to face reality!”

Nadeko doesn’t care─and screams at them.

Yes, it can only be described as a scream. Of anger, piercing─uncontrollable.

“Look at you, letting your precious youth rot away mired in what’s already said and done─do you have any idea just how much of a waste that is?! It’s totally normal that you can’t trust anyone around you, so stop acting butt-hurt about it! You’re way too sensitive─hmmmm?!”

i pile it on─beating the teacher’s desk again and again as hard as i can.

Like it’s Nadeko’s sworn enemy.

Like it symbolizes everyone in the room now.

Nadeko beats the teacher’s desk─the class.

“Are you only able to make friends with cute and pretty and beautiful people?! Are you only able to like people who already like you back?! If you only want to be around saints, you’d better be ready to be alone for your entire life! If someone you consider a friend gets jealous of you, are you gonna stop being their friend?! Are you gonna cut them out of your life if they lie to you?! Is it goodbye if they do something unforgivable to you?! People think all kinds of things all the time, it’s what they do─but are all of you a bunch of massive idiots who don’t have a single thought going through your heads?! This is going to go on forever unless you figure out how to cope with it! Are you really gonna be happy that you spent your second year of middle school this way?! Maybe you’re thinking that if you ride this out until April you’ll be in a new class then, but I’m sorry to tell you that memories are forever! You’re going to remember it forever, when you’re in high school, when you’re in college, when you become adults, even when you start working! You’re never gonna be able to forget this absolutely inconceivable middle school class! It’ll probably be your most powerful memory! So you need to repaint it, you need to rewrite it, what you need to remember is that no one trusted each other in class for a while because of some strange charms, but that everyone made up in the end!”

Everyone is stunned silent─as they inch backwards.

Part of it is obviously that they don’t know how to respond to Nadeko’s unusual behavior. They can’t react consciously, but their bodies are moving on their own to distance themselves from Nadeko.

Of course they are.

Nadeko would be the same way.

If a girl i don’t know very well in class who barely ever talks suddenly showed up at school one day spouting all of this nonsense─nonsense?

Suddenly? Is that right?

It somehow feels wrong.

i mean─ever since Nadeko became class president─she’s been thinking the things she just said the whole time.

Mister Sasayabu didn’t have to tell her.

…She just never did anything.

She didn’t do anything, even when he told her.

She didn’t bother doing a thing.

Because─well.

It’d be such a pain.

And it would just be so tiring─

“I’d like to tell all of you to go off and die, but I don’t even need to bother saying that since you’re all as good as dead. Do you understand that, hmmmm? God, I can’t believe it─especially the way you took advantage of how well-behaved I am to stick me with a role like class president. Talk about digging your own grave! It’s times like this when one of you needs to step up and take charge! What the hell do you think I can do?!”

i can’t believe just how defiant i’m acting.

You could say i’m letting it all hang out.

But i’m exactly right.

Making Nadeko class president could only make things worse─Nadeko-like.

A girl who doesn’t do a thing.

Who wants to stay a victim.

“You know what, you really are the worst! A bunch of two-faced hypocrites! You get jealous of your friends, turn on the people you like without a second thought, gossip about everyone you hate, and yet suck up and fawn over them, slap on a fake smile so you never have to confront anyone, and stab them in the back once they believe you! You are the scum of the world! The lowest, most base creatures on Earth! But─”

But there was also something real somewhere in there!

Even those lies might have been real, right?!

Nadeko says─screaming.

No, maybe it’s the one thing that she didn’t scream.

It wasn’t a scream. There was no anger.

It may have been a cry.

Nadeko crying out─from her heart.

It might have been a prayer.

“What’s the big problem, just go ahead and forgive each other already! Sure, you all hurt each other, but it was only feelings that ended up getting hurt, right? It’s not like anyone died! You’ll actually end up looking pretty cool if you can forgive each other here!”

With that, like she can’t take it any longer─Nadeko even kicks the teacher’s desk.

This too, probably─she does after ensuring that everyone got away from it.

“All you liars, traitors, and frauds! Come on and grow hearts big enough to forgive hypocrisy─hmmmm?! Since when did any of you get so important that you’re able to pick and choose the people around you? You think you can base your social circles on your likes and dislikes?!”

And then─Nadeko says one last thing.

She cries out, “I hate every single one of you! But goddammit, you’re my classmates!”