Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 6 - Chapter 2.4

4

The day after I hand the weird woman over to the police.

“You look tired, Mr. Six. Did you run into trouble last night?”

“And then some. Because that crazy woman treated me like a fellow ally of justice and threw a tantrum, it made things really annoying at the police station. Then when I tried to go home after, Grimm decided to get all clingy. So in the end, I wound up drinking at the bar with her until dawn.”

As I lie around Viper’s office as usual, I swallow a yawn and complain about last night.

“So who was the suspicious woman you captured?”

“I’m not entirely sure. In many ways, she reminded me of a Hero, but…”

I left her to the police because I didn’t want anything to do with her, but I still wonder what her deal was.

“I did learn a bit about them in my Kisaragi training, but just what sort of people are Heroes?”

Heroes, huh…?

Well, for starters, they’re people who’re convinced beyond a doubt that they’re always in the right. They have zero intention of seeing things from anyone else’s point of view. Also, they shout a lot.

And while they go around talking about how much they love peace, I’ve never seen them try to resolve anything through negotiation instead of launching straight into battle.

They are usually jocks who lean on tired old clichés about how justice can overcome any challenge, and they’re pretty much all a bunch of pretentious blowhards.

…But to be honest, I’d much rather be a Hero than an agent for an evil organization.

But when I was just starting out as a Combat Agent, I was recruited by the Pink Hero in the something squad, and I sat through some superhero training.

They would have Hero shows at the amusement parks on Sundays, and they would teach little kids that Heroes always fight for what’s right. They would tell them things like, Your support is what helps us win! and show their appreciation by selling cheap plastic knockoffs of Hero equipment as a way for the kids to become Heroes themselves. They would then use that money to fund their activities.

Needless to say, reality was a slap in the face. But for me, the final straw was the fact that the pink lady who recruited me wouldn’t even do anything sexy with me.

Yep, apparently anything eighteen plus is completely off the table for Heroes because kids look up to them.

With that thought, I look intently at Viper, who always listens to what others have to say and is very much a pacifist at heart.

“To put it simply, they’re the exact opposite of you, my dear, sexy Vi.”

“S-sexy?! Y-you really think I’m sexy?!”

While Viper usually wears her Demon Lord outfit at the office, her Snake Woman costume is a feast for the eyes.

“Well, Vi, you’ve got the sexy appearance down, but you’re also pretty lewd on the inside, too. I mean, up until recently, you kept offering your body as part of your restitution, remember?”

“P-please forget about that! …Um, b-but am I really that sexy looking? …Well, as a member of an evil organization, I suppose I should strive to be sexy…”

I’m having fun teasing the flustered Viper when the office door flies open. It’s Heine, all worked up about something as usual.

“All right, I’ve decided! From this day forth, I’ll muster up the courage to go without underwear!”

“That’s admirable, but I think you should still wear panties, Vi.”

“…Lady Viper, what’s happened to you since becoming a mutant? Are you trying to cause problems for me?”

“Vi’s evolving every day. If you’re not careful, she’ll steal your identity as the sexiest member!”

And right on cue, Heine starts to bawl.

“I already have an identity as the fire user, dammit! Lady Viper, if you keep interacting with this man, his stupidity will rub off on you! You should ban him from this room!”

Heine is being extraordinarily rude after her sudden appearance and I start to wonder why the hell she’s even here.

“Having Mr. Six here provides welcome distraction from my work, so banning him would be a bit too harsh… At any rate, you seem to be in a panic, Heine. What’s going on?”

“O-oh, that’s right! Russell is…!”

Heine leads us to the city of Grace’s reservoir. There, Russell (in his maid outfit) is being accosted by the weird woman.

“L-like I keep trying to tell you, I’m doing this job because I want to! Who the hell are you anyway?! Just leave me alone already!”

“No, they’re taking advantage of you! As an ally of justice, I can’t stand idly by as a child is exploited! Now come with me. I’ll take you somewhere safe.”

The one trying to help Russell—who clearly doesn’t want to be helped—is none other than Adelie.

“Graaah! You pervert! We caught you red-handed trying to kidnap a minor!”

“What are you planning to do with Russell, you molester?!”

“Whaaaaaat?! Wh-what’s going on?! …Ohhh, you’re the man from yesterday!” Adelie yells at me the moment she sees me. “How dare you call me—an ally of justice—a pervert! I’m Adelheid Kreuger, the Umbral—”

“You’re being arrested for trying to kidnap a minor with the intention of molesting him. To try to molest a minor! You’re beyond saving, you pervert!”

I interrupt Adelie before she can finish and verbally describe her crimes. As a Combat Agent tasked with keeping the peace, I have the authority to arrest people at times like this. As a bad guy, I am the one committing the crimes more often than not. But they’re all harmless crimes, so let’s just write them off as added bits of character.

“H-h-hold on! I had no intention of molesting—! W-wait, ‘h-him’? What are you talking about?!”

Having confirmed that I have Adelie firmly subdued, Heine goes to hug Russell.

“Russell, are you all right? I heard a weird woman was harassing you, so I came as quickly as I could…”

“Thanks for the help, Heine. Since I’m still under supervision in this kingdom, I can’t counterattack when someone’s harassing me.”

As former members of the Demon Lord’s Army’s Elite Four, both Heine and Russell are still operating under certain restrictions.

Russell will get in trouble if he attacks a citizen of the Grace Kingdom, even if they are a pervert trying to accost a young boy.

Which means…

“You fiend! I can’t believe you would try to take advantage of a minor while fully aware that he couldn’t fight back! You can make your excuses behind bars!”

“Wait, I really had no intention of molesting him…! Besides, what the heck is wrong with your eyes? There’s no way such a cute child is a boy!”

“What’s wrong with your eyes? Of course a child this cute isn’t a girl!”

“?!?!?!”

A confused Adelie looks to Russell for help, but…

“He’s right. Despite what I’m wearing, I’m a boy. And please allow me to clarify that I’m not dressed this way by choice.”

“I don’t understand this at all! Why are you dressed like that if you don’t want to be?!”

As Adelie’s confusion deepens, Heine angrily lashes out at her.

“Who cares about how Russell is dressed?! The problem is the fact that you were trying to take a young boy to some ‘safe’ place!”

“Wait! Phrasing! That makes me sound like a really heinous criminal!”

“That’s what we’re saying. You are a heinous criminal. Hey! Don’t resist! Hey, Heine, help me hold her down.”

“Tch, she’s strong for a human…”

“Noooooooo! I’m an ally of justice! I’m a servant of the god of law and order! Why am I getting arrested two days in a row?!”

Adelie’s words give me pause, even as she bawls and squirms.

“You know, you were going on about justice or whatever yesterday, but you’re being even weirder today. What do you mean by ‘servant of the god of law and order’?”

“I mean exactly what I said! I’ve been sent as a bringer of law and order to save the ruined world and the people teetering on the brink of destruction!”

As Adelie announces her status with a smug smirk, Heine smacks her across the face.

“You?! A servant of law and order? An ally of justice?! How dare you! You’re the type of hypocrite that I hate more than anything else!”

“How dare you slap an ally of justice, you exhibitionist! You’re dressed like a Demon Lord’s concubine! Have you no shame?!”

“You…! You’re calling me an exhibitionist despite meeting me for the first time?! Also, this may no longer be the case, but I was definitely one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four at one point! Don’t be so prejudiced! Are you asking for an ass-kicking?!”

Heine bares her teeth and glares at Adelie, probably because she’s a demon. It’s only natural, though. It would be weird to expect god-fearing allies of justice to get along with demons.

It is at that moment—

Adelie lets out a sharp breath and rips away the rope that’s been restraining her.

…Wait, seriously?! That rope is reinforced with steel wire!

“What the?!”

The moment that Adelie, now free, lashes out at the shocked Heine…

…Viper blocks Adelie’s punch, protecting Heine, who threw up her hands to try to protect her face.

“Lady Viper!”

Adelie, ignoring Heine’s tearful words of appreciation to Viper, glares at Viper with grim determination.

“…Step aside. Even a former member of the Demon Lord’s Army’s elite should be exterminated in the name of justice!”

“…I don’t know what the Demon Lord has done to earn your hatred, but Heine has been sentenced to servitude and is in the process of atoning for her crimes. I cannot simply let you kill her.”

Intimidated as she is by Adelie’s grim expression, Viper holds her ground and looks her straight in the eye.

As the two face off, Heine and Russell prepare to offer their aid to Viper.

I circle around behind Adelie and drop into a stance so that I can restrain her at any moment…

“I have nothing against her, but the Demon Lord’s Army needs to be wiped out! That’s what god intended! …But wait, why is one of the leaders of the Demon Lord’s Army still alive?! What’s the Chosen One doing? Once the Elite Four of the Demon Lord’s Army was defeated, the barrier protecting the Demon Lord’s castle would collapse and the Chosen One would slay the Demon Lord and bring peace to humanity… That should have been the prophecy passed down to this kingdom.”

I don’t have a clue what Adelie’s saying, but that does remind me—Oh, right, there was a Chosen One or whatever, wasn’t there?

Wait, does she think the Chosen One killed the Demon Lord as prophesized?

She’s pretty fixated on justice and stuff. Is she a Chosen One fangirl or something?

“The Chosen One’s been missing for a long time! We were beaten by that man standing behind you. I know about the Prophecy of the Chosen One. But too bad for you, that old fairy tale turned out to be fake! Hah, sucks to be you!”

As Heine taunts Adelie while standing behind Viper like a kid on a playground, Adelie’s face contorts in confusion.

“Hey, Agentsix, is that true? You, and not the Chosen One, defeated the Demon Lord’s Army?”

“Yup, that’s true. Though the one who dealt the final blow was my boss, not me.”

Thanks to Lilith completely ignoring the tropes and just bombing the Demon Lord’s Army, the army collapsed and the previous Demon Lord was killed.

And the Demon Lord’s Army has been absorbed by Kisaragi, and that’s where we are now…

“While I’d like to praise you for doing the right thing and dismantling the Demon Lord’s Army, this is all a bit of a problem. We’re getting further and further from the divine revelation…”

“You keep going on about prophecies and divine revelations, but just what the hell are you anyway? You’ve been a serious pain in my ass the last couple of days. If you wanna play Hero or Chosen One, go do it somewhere else.”

Adelie becomes lost in thought, and Heine suddenly holds her hand out in front of her.

“The hell are you muttering about after attacking someone?! This is a fight you started. You better be prepared for us to fight back!”

Nice job hiding behind Viper until your opponent lets her guard down and then taking the opportunity to attack, Heine! That’s a move worthy of a former member of the Demon Lord’s Army’s elites.

But Adelie seems completely unmoved and puts out her hand to swat away Heine’s fireball.

“We’ve already accounted for your abilities. No matter how hard you demons try, you can’t—Owww, shooooot!”

Adelie lets out a scream as her hand is engulfed in flames.

After desperately smacking her palm against the ground and somehow putting out the residual flames, Adelie looks up with a smirk even as tears fill her eyes.

“…We’ve already accounted for your abilities. No matter how hard you demons try, you won’t be able to harm me with the sorcerer stones at your disposal.”

“Hey, Heine, go full blast with your next one.”

“Yep, got it. I’ll show you my true power.”

Since Heine appears willing to play along with my proposal, Adelie hurriedly backs up.

“H-hold up! Something’s wrong here! This is way more firepower than a demon should be able to produce! First the prophecies are wrong and now this… What’s going on in this world…?”

She’s saying something about the sorcerer stones at the demons’ disposal, but I’m pretty sure Heine’s current stone was taken from a dragon.

As Adelie mutters to herself, Viper gently approaches her and takes Adelie’s burned hand in her own.

“Wh-what?! Y-you wanna fight?! Fine. If I use my full power—”

“In the name of the Goddess of Time, thy wounds be healed!”

Just as Adelie tries to pick a fight with Viper, the burn on her hand heals as though time is being reversed.

Ignoring Adelie’s stunned silence, Viper turns to Russell.

“Russell, can you use your water magic to soothe her burns?”

“You’re too soft, Viper…,” Russell says fondly as he begins to cool Adelie’s wounds. Adelie can only stand and stare in muted shock.

Heine scratches her cheek awkwardly.

“While I do not know who you are, I understand that you view demons as your enemies. However, Heine and Russell are currently atoning for the crimes they committed as members of the Elite Four. Won’t you please leave them be and watch over them instead?”

At Viper’s sincere plea, Adelie joins Heine in awkwardly scratching at her cheek.

“…It seems I acted rashly. But since I’m an ally of justice, I can’t just pretend I didn’t see survivors from the Demon Lord’s Army leadership. So…I’ll ask that you prove that you’re not evil. Here, do you know what this crystal ball is?”

With that, Adelie produces a plain-looking crystal ball.

I know at once what it is.

Heine and Russell visibly pale when they see the crystal ball.

Based on their reactions, I know that my guess is right.

“This is a karma-measuring crystal that reads a person’s soul. The purer the soul, the whiter it glows. And the more corrupted and evil the soul, the blacker it becomes. For example, in my case…”

With that, Adelie closes her eyes and grasps the crystal ball, which emits a white light.

“…Phew. As you can see, that’s how it works. You don’t have to be as pure as I am. Just prove to me that you’re not evil!”

Adelie wears a look of triumph as she speaks. Personally, I don’t see how this can end well. It’s one of those fantasy tropes that uses magic to check if someone is a bad guy or not. There’s no way it isn’t. This kinda thing pops up all the time in isekai anime.

“Well, shoot. I’ll be fine, given how pure and righteous I am. But the crystal’s gonna be jet-black for you two, I bet.”

“I-I-I’m not as big a villain as you are! At least, I don’t think I am! If we’re talking villains, Russell used to treat enemies like toys! He’d berate and torture them…”

“H-hold on, Heine… I was just doing my job…! Besides, you’re the aggressive battle junkie that picks fights with everyone! I bet you’re in more trouble here!”

As we exchange heated whispers, Adelie eyes us with suspicion.

Russell glances briefly at her and purses his lips before continuing.

“Besides, we’ve been pardoned by this kingdom’s princess. No one else gets to decide whether we former Elite Four are evil or whatever. Hey, is that woman even strong? We’ve got the advantage of numbers, so why don’t we…”

As Russell smirks, Heine and I draw back.

“Look at that, Heine. That’s pure evil right there. And at his age, too! What a monster!”

“R-Russell…”

“N-no…! C’mon, it’s her fault, not ours! I was just doing my job! And yet she tried to kidnap me, then attacked us when we stopped her! By the laws of this country, I’m pretty sure she’d be the guilty party!”

Just as Heine and I are sent reeling by the depths of Russell’s dark heart…

“I’m their superior. So perhaps we can settle this matter by having me tested as their representative?”

With that, Viper takes hold of the crystal Adelie is holding out.

But…

“No can do. As an ally of justice, I can’t let a single evildoer go…”

“I have a responsibility to protect them. And…”

Viper cuts Adelie off before she can finish voicing her objections.

“…My name is Viper. I am the last of the Demon Lords as well as a Supreme Leader within the Kisaragi Corporation. As a former Demon Lord, my head will surely be the most valuable thing you can take to your superiors.”

Viper speaks flatly, not as my superior the mutant Snake Woman but with the authority only a former Demon Lord can muster.

“D-Demon Lord?! If that’s true, then you alone might be… Huh?”

Adelie backs away as though intimidated by Viper. But then she stops midstride as if she intends to watch events unfold to the very end. Then she freezes.

“Vi… Vi! That crystal’s shining really brightly.”

“It’s not just bright, it’s definitely brighter and whiter than when that other lady was holding it.”

“Amazing, Lady Viper! To make it shine brighter than a self-proclaimed ally of justice! This makes it hard to tell which one’s the evildoer here, doesn’t it?!”

The crystal ball in Viper’s hand shines brightly, emitting a pure-white glow that almost hurts to look at.

Adelie freezes in place, staring at the crystal ball in horror.

“Ah—Umm… What should I do in this scenario…?” asks Viper in a troubled voice. She clearly wasn’t expecting this outcome. The question brings Adelie back to her senses.

“E-e-errrm, w-w-w-well! Um? I wasn’t going to let you go if it shone only a little bit… But, um, it seems to be shining about as brightly as it did for me, so? I might be willing to accept that you’re someone on the side of good and justice, maybe, sorta…”

As Adelie keeps stalling to avoid admitting her defeat, the two former members of the Demon Lord start stage-whispering to each other.

“Hey, Heine, listen to what she’s saying. Maybe we should make her hold the crystal ball again. I bet it won’t shine as brightly, given how much of a sore loser she is.”

“Hey, Russell, does this mean her soul’s more corrupted than a Demon Lord’s? Is she really allowed to keep calling herself an ally of justice?”

Upon hearing this, Adelie’s brow becomes drenched with sweat and she points at Viper.

“You’re quite impressive, citizen! All right, I’ll let you go this time! But next time, I’ll reveal your true character! That’ll be—”

Just as Adelie tries to leave a parting shot, someone taps her on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, miss, do you have a moment? You’re the person who spent the night in our jail, aren’t you? You promised you wouldn’t cause any more problems when we let you go this morning, so what’s all this about?”

The one who taps Adelie on the shoulder is the policewoman I’ve come to know pretty well. She’s the one who’s always getting into fights with Grimm. It seems she’s out on patrol.

The color drains from Adelie’s face, and she stops dead in her tracks as even more sweat beads on her brow.

“I-i-i-it’s not what you think! I’m dealing with villains as an ally of justice…”

“That’s my job. Also, this reservoir is an important facility for this kingdom, so what are you doing here?”

The ally of justice, upon being interrogated by a police officer, looks at us pleadingly. Then the policewoman also turns her attention our way.

“She tried to kidnap me. She said I shouldn’t be here.”

“She tried to kill me when I attempted to stop her from kidnapping Russell, using the excuse that I used to be part of the Demon Lord’s Army…”

“Thank you for your hard work, officer. We’ll hand over this suspicious woman to you, so please give her a good talking-to at the station.”

At our statement, the policewoman puts Adelie in handcuffs.

“Wait! Hold on! I’m an ally of justice! I was just trying to defeat the Demon Lord’s Elite Four!”

“Yes, yes. I’ll listen to your excuses at the station. Given that you were let out yesterday on the promise of good behavior, you’re not getting out again for a while—”

As I watch Adelie get hauled off in tears…

…I find myself embarrassed that I ever suspected her of being a Hero.

[Status Report]

We found the remains of a giant robot while exploring a lake near Hideout City.

Alice won’t shut up about trying to retrieve it, which made me wonder if you really did program her with the Three Laws of Robotics.

She’s super rebellious from time to time, and it seems like she doesn’t care one ounce about human life.

I mean, just the other day she asked me for a blood sample. She was going on about cloning me just in case I died.

Oh, that reminds me, I ran into a weird woman while on patrol at night with Grimm.

There’s already one odd woman who prowls the alley at night and happily goes along with my harassment, but this was a completely different person.

Her strangeness is on the level of the Supreme Leaders, so I would like to introduce you to her the next time one of you visits this planet.

But she keeps going on about justice this, justice that, so I’m not sure if I should get too involved with her.

I’ll provide additional intel on this weirdo some other time.

Reporting Operative:

Combat Agent Six