Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 4 - Chapter 3.3

3 

That night. 

Following Grimm, Lilith and I walk through a back alley on the edge of the city. 

“Hey, Grimm. Isn’t this where the weird guys and loose ladies live? I think I’m getting a pretty good idea of how you usually pass the time…” 

“Commander! Why, I never! No, it’s nothing like that. I mean, you’re right that this is more or less a slum of sorts. But we’re heading for the noble district. It’s quickest to cut through here.” 

Each time we pass the scantily clad ladies on the roadside, they wink and blow kisses in my direction, but Grimm tightens her grip on my arm in a show of possessiveness. 

“…This is a place riddled with dive bars, where women of the night peddle their services. This is also where many people who’ve lost their homes turn. It is the dark underbelly of this kingdom, in a manner of speaking…” 

Grimm says all this with a certain darkness creeping into her expression. She then quietly lays a gold coin next to a slumbering homeless man’s head. 

When her presence wakes him, Grimm offers up a gentle smile. 

The homeless man picks up the coin, then looks from Grimm to me and then back to Grimm… 

“Oh, good to see you again, bud. You givin’ me some spending money?” 

“Hey, old man. This is one of my subordinates, but it looks like she wants to give you an allowance. Go ahead and take it.” 

Witnessing the exchange between the homeless man and me, Grimm and Lilith direct a slack-jawed stare at us. 

“Anyway, I gotta go. Take care of yourself, old man. It’s getting cold out here at night. If you’re gonna sleep, you oughta do it at home.” 

“Eh, I used up my old lady’s savings, so I been stuck out here for a bit. I heard you’ve been sleeping in the park, bud. Don’t catch a cold, eh?” 

As the “homeless” man speaks with a smile, he grasps the coin Grimm gave him and wanders off. 

“…So, Commander… You and that homeless fellow know each other?” 

“He’s just a random old dude I bump into around here from time to time. Sometimes, we share a drink. He’s got a bit of a gambling problem, and his wife kicks him out of the house every few days when he spends too much money.” 

Before I finish, Grimm speeds up in her wheelchair. 

“You there! If you have a home and a wife, give me back my money, you wretched bum! Don’t go napping in an alley if you’re not actually homeless!” 

As he notices Grimm’s approach, the man quickly scrambles over a wall and disappears. Watching all this, Lilith sighs in my general direction. 

“Six, I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot, but you really should choose your subordinates and friends better.” 

That’s not really all that convincing coming from a Supreme Leader of an evil organization. 

After watching the not-so-homeless man depart, we continue walking until Grimm brings us to… 

“Is this really a noble’s estate? It says sale pending…” 

…a fancy-looking building just past the slums that certainly seems like it belongs to rich people. 

Lilith reads off the letters on the sign, but I can’t tell what it says. 

Alice’s translation only works for sound. 

She told me to learn to read the country’s writing on my own. 

Considering that I still struggle to read and write English, I think asking me to learn the language of a completely different world is expecting a bit much. 

That’s the sort of task best left to my brainy partner. 

“This estate once belonged to the man who served as the army’s chief of staff. Remember when the Demon Lord’s Army attacked the city? The chief of staff at the time suddenly announced his resignation and vanished one day. For a man who had earned that title to resign without warning…that’s suspicious, right? A little bit after that, rumors started going around that his estate that had gone up for sale was haunted…” 

Lilith nods along with interest at Grimm’s explanation. 

“I see. So you’ve come here to perform an exorcism? I love paranormal documentaries. It’s so much fun to send a finely doctored photo to the program, then watch a bunch of shady weirdos lose their heads over it…” 

Man, this chick is something else… 

Though, in a way, this sort of petty villainy is something to be admired. 

“Huh? Lady Lilith, Six, and Grimm? Can’t say I saw this coming. What the hell are you all doing here?” 

“Alice?! That’s my line! Why do you always show up wherever I am?!” 

Standing in front of us is the android who hates the supernatural and paranormal more than anything in creation. 

I have no idea what she’s planning to do at this time of night, but she’s got a giant vacuum cleaner strapped to her back. 

Alice turns to Grimm, who’s gotten up out of her wheelchair. 

“Ah, so we meet again, Scammer-1.” 

“Who the hell are you calling ‘Scammer-1’?! I’m only going to ask one more time. Why are you here, Alice? Are you going to interrupt my work again?!” 

She just said “again,” didn’t she? Is this common for Alice? 

“You’re the one who’s interrupting my work. This estate’s value is finally going down, thanks to my efforts. I’ll take care of the ghostbusting myself, so you’re welcome to go on home.” 

Grimm’s expression is frozen in a look of irritation as Alice casually dismisses her before lowering the vacuum cleaner to the ground. 

I have no idea what’s going on here, but I’m glad my partner seems to be enjoying herself. 

“Looks like you’ve had quite a bit fun while I wasn’t around.” 

“Yeah, well, Scammer-1 here keeps disrupting my side gig of property flipping. The value of the chief of staff’s house here is finally dropping after all the rumors I spread, making it ripe for purchase. As it happens, the famous Ghost Hunter Alice is here to take care of those very rumors.” 

“W-wait, what did you just say?! I thought you mentioned rumormongering…” 

…Oh, I see. 

I finally understand why Alice has been handing out candy to the kids around this neighborhood. 

“Given your time with Kisaragi, I’m guessing you’ve figured out what I’m up to, right, Six?” 

“Stop talking in riddles! Tell me what’s going on!” 

Lilith explains for Alice as Grimm continues to look confused. 

“So to clarify, Alice trained some kids to go around saying they’ve seen shadows or blood-spattered men roaming houses that are for sale. Once the bad rumors have spread enough to lower the price…” 

No one’s going to believe it when a single child says they’ve seen a ghost. 

But if multiple children start saying they’ve seen ghosts, well, it goes from a childish prank to a rumor… 

Hearing that, Grimm cries out: 

“You’re running a scam!” 

That’s right. This is all just a page out of the Kisaragi handbook. 

“Alice, don’t you feel guilty putting children up to this?! And what an awful thing to do to the buyers you’re targeting!” 

Hearing Grimm’s criticism, Alice responds with a wag of her finger. 

“I’m only buying up properties from problematic sellers. Most of them are petty crooks like the chief of staff. Also, as for using children, as you can see, I’m an innocent child myself!” 

“There’s no way there are kids this conniving!” 

Which is when I realize something else. 

“Oh. If you’re the source of the rumors, then you know there’s no ghosts to bust, and you can pretend you have a perfect ghost-hunting record. So that’s how you spun the story to gain renown as a ghost hunter.” 

“That about covers it. Oh, and while we’re at it, I’m not telling the brats to lie. Lying children usually get caught anyway. Which is why I set up a projector ahead of time and use holograms to scare the kids I round up using candy as bait.” 

Lilith and I surround Alice and begin boisterously praising her. 

“Clever! As expected of my partner! So very clever!” 

“Well done, Alice! As expected of my creation!” 

““Hail Alice! Hail Alice! Hail Alice!!”” 

“Could you stop with that ‘Hail Alice’ crap? It doesn’t sound like a compliment.” 

Lilith and I pat the hell out of Alice’s head. 

“Seriously, knock it off! Oh, it’s true… There’s no undead presence here! Sigh , then why did I come out all this way…?” 

Seeing Grimm fall to her knees, gazing up at the estate, Lilith feels a pang of guilt and turns to her. 

“Alice, I’m a science absolutist as well, but couldn’t you be a little more, I don’t know, subtle about this? She’s a subordinate of Kisaragi, right?” 

“No offense, Lady Lilith, but this is a matter of my very existence. Fantasy crap like gods, demons, and spirits are all going to be busted by my hand.” 

As one created with the cutting edge in modern technology, Alice just can’t accept the paranormal. 

…All right. 

“Lady Lilith, since I can’t use Evil Points, could you get me a vacuum cleaner like the one Alice has?” 

“What…? Are you planning to get involved in this idiocy, too? …Fine. As your superior, I need to be involved as well. I’ll order two vacuum cleaners—one for me and one for you, Six.” 

“Thank you, Lady Lilith! I knew I could count on you.” 

…As Lilith and I are equipping ourselves with the vacuum cleaners sent by HQ, Grimm comes to me in tears, pleading as she grabs me by the waist. 

“Commander, I thought you were on my side! Please stop! Adults shouldn’t be doing something this ridiculous!” 

How rude. Lilith and I both love this sort of charade, so we’re actually pretty excited. 

Grimm seems to notice that Lilith and I are more than happy to take part. 

“…Fine. In that case, I’ve got an idea of my own…” 

Standing barefoot on the ground, Grimm glances up at the sky— 

“Fortunately for me, today’s a full moon. The perfect phase…just like when I accidentally summoned that demon…” 

Grimm continues staring at the heavens, smiling as though confident of victory. 

“The full moon has a special meaning for beings beyond the ken of humanity. I’m sick of being treated like some scam artist! I’m going to show this little brat what I’m capable of! I’ll use my powers to summon a demon so impressively terrifying, you’ll piss yourself on the spot!” 

Declaring all that in a single breath, Grimm retrieves from her bosom a piece of paper with a magic circle drawn on it and spreads it out on the ground. 

“Grimm, calm down! You never actually succeed when you say things like that!” 

“I haven’t known you long, but I know that making a grand declaration of that sort is practically jinxing yourself!” 

Grimm snarls at Lilith and me as we express our concern for her. 

“Silence! If that brat’s existence centers around denying the supernatural, then mine is dedicated to beseeching the gods!” 

Grimm gazes up at the full moon, folding her hands together as though in supplication and prayer. 

“Yes, this is all that I have! This is all that is left to me! What else do I have…? Above-average looks and a deceptively curvy figure. And then there’s all the money I have saved up for marriage, my homemaking abilities, and my deep, deep love and devotion reserved solely for that special someone!!” 

Grimm, who seems to have much more to offer than her prayers, gazes up at the pale-gold moon, yelling out in anguish. 

Unlike the words leaving her lips, her eyes turn as clear and innocent as a child’s as she looks fervently to the sky— 

“My name is Grimm Grimoire! At this point, I don’t care if they’re not particularly handsome. I don’t care if they don’t have any money. All I want is someone who will love me and only me! I want to get married! If you can grant me this wish, I won’t even care if it’s a demon or a dark god! If you will listen to my earnest desire, then hear my call and be summoned to these lands!” 

Despite the fact that, unlike last time, there’s no sacrificial offerings or anything, the magic circle glows with a piercing, white light. 

It shines even brighter than when she summoned a demon, as if sympathizing with the plight of a woman facing eternal spinsterhood. 

“S-Six! Alice! What the heck is going on?! The reports claimed she’s a scam artist, but this doesn’t look like cheap special effects or holograms to me…!” 

There’s a hint of panic in Lilith’s voice, and she deploys her tentacles from beneath her lab coat. The magic circle glows so brightly that the neighboring houses begin stirring. 

As the light fades, in response to the tragic plea of the spinster, what appears is—