Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 3 - Chapter 4.3

3 

The next day… 

After making a safe exit, we’ve quickly given up on the hostess club scam and switched to a new hustle. 

“We made the mistake of using someone as greedy as Snow yesterday. But we won’t let it end here. Leave it to me. I’ve got an idea.” 

“Boss, I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine this going well. Can I go home?” 

I figured Snow would be back pretty quickly after that since it was a pretty minor offense, but she’s evidently refusing to hand back the money and is still in custody. 

Sure, we were the ones who told her it’d be a profitable gig, but she was the most enthusiastic about the work, which might mean she’s further gone than I first thought. 

Still, it’s only the second day of the festival. 

I’m sick of the fact that my point total is negative and want to do something about it while the festival’s still going on. 

“Aw, don’t say that, Rose. We’re comrades, aren’t we?” 

“That’s right. We’re already coconspirators, and we sink or swim together. It’s too late for you to back out.” 

“Wait, Miss Alice, what do you mean coconspirators? I’m going home! W-wait, why are you two grabbing me? Please stop! Let me go!” 

Alice and I put our hands on Rose’s shoulders as she tries to leave. 

“Now wait, Rose; we’re counting on you. The term coconspirator Alice used doesn’t mean much. If anything, we can’t call this an evil deed at all.” 

“If you help us out, I’ll make sure you get all the food you can eat. The job’s simple. Get inside this animal suit and fawn on the person we specify.” 

We then point to a dog suit, a small one designed to fit someone of Rose’s size. 

“I—I won’t be fooled! I keep telling you that you can’t just buy me off with food!” 

I gently pat Rose as she looks at us with suspicion. “Rose, you were raised by your grandpa, right? The person we want you to fawn on is an old man who lost a family member.” 

Rose freezes. 

Alice follows up with her own details. 

“The geezer’s been waiting every year for his family to visit him. Sadly, they haven’t shown up once. So we just want you to pretend to be his family member who’s come back for the Undead Festival. Y’know, make him feel good.” 

“…All right, I understand. I’ll help, if that’s the case. You two really are unfair! There’s no way I could say no to that…” 

Rose lets out a troubled laugh and climbs into the animal suit. 

“I knew you’d say that, Rose. You’re a good egg.” 

As I say that and smile, the stuffed animal glances away a little shyly— 

“I’ve brought him like you asked. Your dear little Patrasche… Hey, Patrasche, calm down. Sit! Patrasche, sit!” 

“…! …!! …!!!” 

I try to hand the suited Rose to the old man, but Rose puts up some fierce resistance. 

As Rose grabs the rope around the stuffed animal’s neck and tries to tear it off, I say in a hushed tone, “ Knock it off, Patrasche! I thought you were here to console the old man! ” 

“You said I’d be posing as his family, so I assumed you meant a grandchild or something! But this…Patrasche?! It’s a pet! It’s most definitely a pet! No wonder it didn’t come back!” 

Yes, turns out the old man lost his pet dog. 

I don’t know where she found the assignment, but Alice snagged the request to find the dog. 

I guess this old man’s one of the richest people in the city, and Alice’s plan is to fool the geezer and get the reward money, but… 

“Patrasche…? Is that you, Patrasche?! Come here, Patrasche; let’s take a walk.” 

“I’m glad Patrasche came back, old man. Mind paying up now?” 

As the old man happily celebrates seeing Rose, Alice goes up to him to ask for the money. 

Sure, this feels a bit like an I’m your long-lost so-and-so identity scam, but it’s actually a pretty good win-win scenario where everyone but Rose, stuck pretending to be the pet, leaves happy. 

“Boss, I won’t forgive you for this! I’ll endure it because I don’t want to disappoint the poor old man, but I’ll remember this when I get back!” 

“All right, all right. I’ll treat you to something really tasty when you get back, okay?” 

“Please stop treating me like I’m some sort of hungry, hungry character!” 

Whispering back at me, Rose then gets down on all fours and approaches the old man. 

It’s still pretty clear from her posture she’s not happy with this, but she seems to have made her peace with it to please the old man. 

“Patrasche, is something wrong? Why are you on all fours? Are you in pain?” 

“Hey, geezer, isn’t Patrasche a dog?” Alice asks. 

“Patrasche is a Mounting Gorilla,” the old man replies. “Very aggressive. He’d tackle anyone who looked strong, pin them in a mounting position, and beat them up—” 

“Whoooooa! Patraaasche?!” I dodge out of the way as Rose suddenly lunges at me. She circles around and makes another lunge, and I fight to keep her at bay. 

“Ahhh, it’s Patrasche! That tackle is unmistakable! It’s Patrasche!” 

“Good. Great. Fantastic. Fork over the cash already.” 

As I grapple with the animal suit, I whisper under my breath, “ What the hell are you doing, Patrasche?! ” 

“I have to be convincing! Sorry, Boss! Please let me beat you up!” 

“You’re taking advantage of this to attack me, aren’t you?” 

As I barely manage to hold her off, the old man calls over happily, “Now, Patrasche, stop playing and come with me. I’ve prepared all your favorite treats.” 

“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but don’t you dare leave. Right now, you’re Patrasche possessing the stuffed animal. Whatever he offers you, don’t give into temptation—got it?” 

“I’m not that much of a glutton. It’ll be fine. I can bear it.” 

Bear it? That phrasing’s already problematic. 

“Patrasche, I’ve prepared tons of the gourmet supopocchi prime rib that you love. Even if it’s just during the festival, eat as much as you can.” 

“Hey, Patrasche, stop! I’ll give you a banana later, so stay!” 

Patrasche doesn’t last two seconds against the temptation of gourmet prime rib. 

Do the gorillas on this planet eat meat? Wait, can I even be sure Alice’s translator is working properly? 

“Ha-ha, good boy, Patrasche. Miss Alice, here’s the reward. Please accept it.” 

“Thanks.” Alice happily accepts the money. 

Meanwhile, easily tempted by the food, Patrasche happily leaves with the old man.