4
Today’s the third day of the Undead Festival.
Snow is evidently still in custody, refusing to return the money and demanding to see a lawyer.
Alice, who has completely memorized this kingdom’s laws, has volunteered for the position. She was enthusiastically stating how she was going to exploit all the loopholes, so it looks like that gold digger will be released soon.
As for Patrasche, now that she’s been adopted by the old man, she probably won’t be back for the duration of the festival.
Which means I’m stuck here alone without anything to do.
“You’re an odd one. Coming back to order skewers from us after seeing that exchange. Even I have to admit I’m surprised.”
“Hey, I promise not to get angry, so tell me what this meat is, will you? My curiosity’s killing me.”
I’ve been sniffing the mystery meat skewers from the guy Snow had demanded a bribe from.
I don’t smell anything particularly wrong with the meat, but I’m not convinced it’s safe to eat.
I mean, this rock’s inhabitants eat all sorts of weird things, including mokemokes and pyokopyokos. Maybe the attitude toward this meat is just a cultural difference.
“Just to confirm, this isn’t something like human meat, right?”
“Now, why would you say such a thing?! Of course not!”
Based on how offensive the suggestion is to the owner, it looks like the coast is clear on that front.
In which case, given all the things I ate as part of my survival back on Earth, there’s nothing that’d cause much of a problem for me.
I open my mouth to take a bite.
“Of course it’s not something as normal as human meat…”
“Wait, what did you just say?”
As I lower the skewer from my mouth…
“Found you, Commander! Tch, where the heck have you been? Leaving me to fend for myself!” Grimm squeakily rolls up in her wheelchair with a big frown on her face. I’m surprised to see her awake and moving around this early in the morning. She glances at the skewer I’m holding. “I bought you food under the implied promise that you’d help me out! The others who might help out, like Snow and Rose, are nowhere to be found, either!”
Grimm grumbles and grabs the skewer out of my hand.
“Oh!”
And then…
“Besides, like I told you last time, managing the Undead Festival is work assigned by the kingdom! It’s your whole unit’s responsibility, not just mine!”
““Uh…””
Grimm takes a bite as the owner and I look on.
I have no idea what creature the mystery meat came from, but at the very least, it doesn’t appear to be poisonous.
“…Uh, here, I’ll give you the rest of these skewers. So cheer up, okay?”
“Oh, thank you. What is it, Commander? Are you finally coming around to my charms?”
Grimm’s mood turns quickly at something as simple as someone buying her meat skewers. I guess she’s so starved for kindness from men that even a minor meal is a cause for celebration.
Eventually, the woman with strategic-level baggage seems to get a weird notion into her head, squirming from side to side in a way that sets off alarm bells in my mind.
“Say, Commander. Why don’t we go on another date? All you have to do is help me out a little first!” She then breaks out into a bright smile.
“Save it.”
It seems she can’t understand my reply, and she continues, oblivious…
“So for this next date, we can start with a walk by the river…”
“Wait, why?! You’ve got a catch like me asking you out! Given the circumstances, you should accept!”
“You’re not a catch; you’re a virgin slut and quite possibly the thirstiest person I’ve ever met… Hey! What are you doing? Let go of my belt!”
Forced to tag along with Grimm, I’m now pushing her wheelchair along the road by the river.
“Say, Commander, walking together like this, don’t you think we look like a couple?”
“We look like a sickly patient and her caretaker,” I fire back.
Grimm furrows her brow in a frown. “You know, I noticed this a while ago, Commander, but you’re a Snow-level tsundere , aren’t you? She can’t really help it, since she’s had to compete against men all her life, but what happened to you to make you so stubborn?”
“I’m not stubborn. I’ll follow a good-looking woman like a lemming, and if the price is right, I’ll go out of my way to do things for them. Any woman I reject just isn’t worth the effort, or she’s not attractive to begin with.”
Grimm sets her arm on the wheelchair’s armrest and tilts her head with a little smile.
“You’re definitely stubborn, Commander. Let me rephrase it, then. Say, Commander, could you please give me a hand with my work? And once we’re done… Let’s go out for a night on the town again.”
“Any woman I reject just isn’t worth the effort, or she’s not attractive to begin with.”
“You’ve got a beauty like me offering you a date in exchange for your help; what’s the deal?! All right, fine—I’ll take you to the bar we went to the other night and buy us a bottle of the best champagne!”
And now I find myself agreeing to help Grimm after she started clinging and pleading with me tearfully, but…
“Honestly, I think your mistake is asking for my help. I’ll be blunt. I know nothing about this country’s laws or customs.”
“Yeah, I’m not expecting your brains to be of any use, either. I’m actually hoping to borrow your brawn, Commander.”
The bit about not expecting my brains to be of any use bothers me a little bit, but…
“Well, in that case, leave it to me. You want to pick fights, right?”
“No, I’m not asking you to do something that shady. It’s the other way around. I want you to help keep peace in the city. Among the responsibilities for the Undead Festival’s management is to stop pranks and capture misbehaving spirits.”
I’m good at keeping the peace.
It might seem surprising at first, but Combat Agents are used to keep order in conquered territories.
Keeping order makes establishing authority that much easier.
So long as it’s peaceful and the economy is thriving, people really don’t care who is in charge.
“Not to mention… I’ve been saying this for a while, but there’s something odd about this year’s Undead Festival. There’s usually not this much trouble…” Grimm mentions something of interest.
“Trouble?”
For us, trouble is part of our business, but unfortunately, we’re not in Japan at the moment.
Grimm shoots me a look full of concern.
“I’ve gotten a nonstop stream of bizarre reports. Well, for example… A stuffed animal bursting into flames in public or creepy black shadows heading toward the castle late at night. Smaller examples include scammers operating out of the business district…”
This all sounds familiar.
“The rest sound like urban legends, to be honest… Like the prime rib that mysteriously disappeared after being offered to a certain doll, and something about a scary skewer stall selling mystery meat…”
Yup, that sounds familiar, too.
“More than anything else, I’m getting reports that dolls are attacking people. With me in charge, that shouldn’t be happening, given that spirits have to sign a contract before they get to possess one.”
I recall that I recently got tackled by a doll named Patrasche.
“Grimm, I think you can just ignore those problems.”
“Why?! Have you been listening to me?! They might all sound like jokes to you, but there are victims here! It’s not like I’m making things up!”
Grimm’s not lying; I know that better than anyone.
“I see; this year’s Undead Festival sounds like a doozy. You know, just yesterday, Alice and I did a small side gig, so I’ve got a little spending money. Why don’t I treat you today, as your commander, in recognition of all your hard work?”
“Why are you saying that all of a sudden?! I worry I’ll fall in love when a man’s nice to me, so please don’t do that.”
I keep pushing Grimm in her wheelchair as she starts to panic.
“So what do you want to do after a walk by the river? Do you have somewhere you’d like to go?”
“Now you even sound nicer! U-um, well, after a walk by the river, maybe a picnic in the park…”
The park’s currently our temporary hideout.
“I didn’t pack a lunch today, so no picnics. I’ve got a decent bit of money, so how about I buy you a necklace? Let’s head to a jewelry store.”
“I’d love to…”
I push the wheelchair onward as Grimm falls silent for some reason.
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