Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 2 - Chapter 2.4

4 

Time for our welcome party. 

“Commander, what do you think about this super-mini dress? Sexy, right? Super sexy? Does it make you want to shove me against the wall and ravage me?” 

I run into Grimm in front of the banquet hall. She shows off the sexy black dress she’s wearing. 

“You need to consider your age when picking a dress.” 

“O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this man! Be cursed with impotence!” 

As Grimm points her finger, I dodge by diving out of the way. 

“Missed…” 

“How can you sound so casual about this? Are you crazy?! That might be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced!” 

The ring on Grimm’s finger vanishes, taken by the dark god as payment for the curse. 

This damn spinster. She can’t bring herself to be remotely useful most of the time, but somehow wields terrifying powers at times like this. 

She can cast curses by sacrificing items with sentimental value. 

I’m told the success rate goes down if the feedback effects of the curse don’t actually harm her. Still, that was a terrifying curse. 

“It’s because you’re being a tease, Commander. You peeked up my skirt once…” 

“That was because you were taunting me. Also, if you’re going to twirl around in a skirt like that, I’ll go peeking again!” 

As if on guard at my statement, Grimm slowly backs away from me. 

At that moment, the other three join us as they finish their preparations. 

Snow’s wearing a low-cut dress that doesn’t leave a lot to the imagination. She proudly puffs out her chest. “Six, what do you think of this dress? Is it sexy? It’s super sexy, right? Does it make you horny and want to buy me things?” 

At that eerily familiar line, I turn to look at Grimm, who glances down in embarrassment. 

“…Grimm, this is what you looked like a few minutes ago.” 

“…I’m sorry, Commander. I got flustered because I heard there was going to be a party. I’ll be careful.” 

Alice, wearing a normal dress that isn’t very different from her usual outfit, comes up to me and whispers, “Hey, Six, I wandered a bit around the castle, pretending to be lost. This country’s got its share of weirdly advanced technology. There were too many people around, so I couldn’t look too closely, but I’ll go mess around with some of it while everyone’s busy with the party.” 

“I gotta hand it to you, Alice. You sure are thorough…” 

It seems this planet is littered with mysterious technology. I wonder what it is that happened here in the past. 

The ancient ruins are supposedly still unexplored. I bet if I find some great treasure or super items, I can leverage that into becoming a Supreme Leader… 

Speaking of ruins, the Chimera that’s probably related to them is humming happily to herself, dressed in a pretty little dress. 

…Is she looking forward to meeting someone here, too…? 

“Rose? You too…?” 

“What do you mean, Boss? Isn’t this exciting? I’m sure there’ll be lots of delicious food!” 

Oh. My bad. She’s just excited about the food. Thanks, Rose. Don’t ever change. 

I silently pray for Rose’s future as she looks at me with a puzzled expression. 

I straighten the collar on my borrowed suit and open the doors to the banquet hall. 

“How do we get out of this, Six? This is starting to look like a miscalculation of epic proportions.” 

The situation in the banquet hall has devolved into complete chaos. 

Credit for this belongs entirely to the members of my squadron. 

“Oh my! I must say that’s impressive, Sir Harmel. Especially for someone so young! And as the third son of a noble family, you’re insulated from all that inheritance nonsense, and you are even spared the responsibility of caring for your family in their dotage.” 

“U-uh, yes, that’s right. But my subordinates deserve credit. I wouldn’t have become captain of the Seventh Company without them…” 

The spinster’s speaking in a voice an octave higher than usual, using words I didn’t know she had in her vocabulary. She’s standing next to a good-looking brunette knight, batting her lashes at him. Dressed up like this, Grimm looks like a proper lady, without a trace of her usual paleness to be seen. 

“Um, may I ask why you’re barefoot, miss?” 

Well, a proper lady if you ignore her bare feet. 

She mentioned it before, something about a curse that prevented her from wearing shoes. She stands out as an oddity, wandering barefoot around the carpeted banquet hall while dressed in a pretty black dress. 

“Oh, Harmel, please call me Grimm. No need to be so formal.” 

Grimm appears to be doing her best to work her way into the knight’s good graces, twisting this way and that, but he doesn’t seem to be buying what she’s selling. 

“I—I can’t very well call a woman I just met by her first name… Um. Should I refrain from asking why you are barefoot?” 

“Religious purposes, I’m afraid. Anyway, Harmel, you seem a little shy! But that’s lovely in its own way. It keeps you faithful, I’m sure!” Grimm answers her partner’s questions rather aggressively. 

The knight seems at a loss at her aggressive approach, unable to flat out avoid her given her status. 

Still… 

“Wow, this is delicious! I’ve never had meat this delicious before! And never this much at once!” 

“I—I’m very glad to hear it. Still, Miss Rose, ordinarily people don’t eat an entire roast pig by themselves… Ah, perhaps you should leave the bones? And there’s sauce all over your face…” 

Munching on a whole roast pig served on a giant platter, Rose is crying tears of joy at the meal before her. 

The serving maid fails in her efforts to keep Rose’s face clean as the Chimera continues to aggressively devour the roast pig. 

“Good! So good!! The bones are nice and crunchy! Every part of this is delicious!” 

“I’m glad to hear it… I’m pleased that you’re so happy, Miss Rose. Please try the charcoal-grilled romare shrimp and echigo crab next. It may smell very strongly of the sea, but there is a lot of flavor in… Miss Rose, please leave the shells. Miss Rose? Miss Rose! It’s best not to eat the pincers…!” 

It may not be in the same way as Grimm, but Rose is drawing her share of attention. 

And then there’s… 

“Where is Prince Engel?! I heard the crown prince would be welcoming me tonight. Hey, Six! If I succeed in seducing the prince, I’ll reward you, too. So do whatever you can to support my efforts!” 

“When you’re that honest about your intentions, it’s almost refreshing…” 

She’s not even trying to hide her greed now. 

The dress looks great on her, but the ugliness of her words completely spoils her beauty. 

“Listen closely, Six. The man’s the crown prince of Toris and the next king. And this kingdom is so rich in resources that it’s said you can dig gold coins out of the ground. Basically, if I can become the royal consort, that’s a guaranteed life of luxury!” 

What am I gonna do with this chick? 

Tillis wants me to run a honeypot sting, but that requires actually stepping in when things get too hot and heavy. 

But seeing how eager Snow is to go all the way, all I’d be is an awkward interruption. 

Noticing that Snow seemed to be getting a bit hot and bothered by talk about the prince, Alice approaches me and whispers in my ear, “Hey, Six. I’ve heard this kingdom’s Prince Engel is a fat slob of a womanizer. Not a good catch at all. You should lower her expectations a bit. Do something about her, will you?” 

Ah, I see. “I dunno; it sounds kind of entertaining, actually. Let’s see what happens when we get her hopes up. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she meets him.” 

“You really do have the personality for this evil minion stuff…,” Alice says with an expression I can only describe as “tasteful.” 

One of the household attendants announces grandly, “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for waiting. His Highness, the Crown Prince Engel has arrived!” 

The man standing in the entrance blows my expectations clear out of the water. 

“…Alice, wow. That’s even worse than I thought. When I heard ‘fat prince,’ I was imagining someone young. Like, a pudgy spoiled brat. Not…well… that .” 

“I hear the king’s still got his wits about him here. Doesn’t matter how old you get. You stay a prince if your parents are still alive and kicking.” 

The man entering the room is fat, greasy, and well past forty. He’s like the poster child for an unhealthy lifestyle. Just walking gets him winded, and despite the pleasant temperature, he’s dripping with sweat. 

I can’t help but feel sorry for Snow. Motives aside, this has to be quite a letdown for her. I turn to her to offer my condolences. 

“Prince Engel! A pleasure to meet you. I am Snow, knight captain of the Royal Guard from the kingdom of Grace. I’m honored to make your acquaintance today.” 

Thinking she’d be in shock after seeing the prince, I find a Snow with glittering eyes and a beatific smile. 

…Looks like I underestimated her. 

“Ah, I see your kingdom has sent one of their most beautiful as a diplomat. I am Engel, crown prince of this kingdom. Thank you for making the long journey to—” 

“Beautiful? You flatter me, Your Highness! You are, yourself, blessed with an impressive physique and rugged features! I feel faint in your presence.” Snow piles on the flattery even before Engel finishes speaking. 

I thought she was just a slightly greedy sword fanatic. Boy, was I wrong. There’s no doubt in my mind that she could love an orc or a slime as long as they’ve got enough money. 

“…Lady Snow, I appreciate compliments as much as the next man, but I’m well aware of my own appearance. There is no need to flatter me, our kingdoms remain steadfast allies regardless of—” 

“Do not be absurd, Your Highness! Gaze into my eyes, and you will see the truth! You are a fine specimen of a man. I can guarantee that! Do you see anything but the truth in my gaze?” 

The silver-haired beauty gazes intently into the fat prince’s face without so much as blinking. 

If you just looked at this scene and heard the lines without context, it’s actually kind of touching. Something straight out of “Beauty and the Beast.” But I know better. How the hell am I supposed to deal with her? 

“…Y-you’re right. I see no hint of deception in your eyes. You have my thanks. No one has ever provided me with such a heartfelt compliment. I envy Princess Tillis for having such wonderful vassals. Now, I believe you have come to our kingdom to secure more water crystals…” 

“Have I done something to offend you, Your Highness? Brushing aside my efforts at courtship for such talk?” 

The gold digger is so intent on landing her catch that she interrupts the prince’s effort to get the conversation back on track. 

Such talk indeed. It’s like she’s forgotten that’s the whole reason we made the trip. 

“L-Lady Snow, putting your remark to one side, surely you understand seducing an ally’s emissary would become an enormous diplomatic scandal…” The prince backs up nervously, evidently caught off guard by Snow’s misplaced anger. 

“How disappointing! I had heard you were quite the womanizer, Your Highness. It appears your reputation is exaggerated. Do you mean to embarrass me so in public, Your Highness?” 

“Do you not consider it disrespectful to describe a man you just met as a womanizer? And to his face at that? Indeed, why are you so aggressive when we’ve only just met?” 

Snow makes no effort at concealing her greed as she sidles closer to the prince, who continues to back away from her. 

“I’m here on Princess Tillis’s behalf. Surely you understand what that means. Our kingdom has been the target of invasion attempts by the Demon Lord’s Army, but just recently we repelled a major invasion. We now only have the occasional skirmish against the demonic forces. Do you see the man over there? The one with drink in hand and staring about like a half-witted yokel? He’s called Agent Six. He may not look like much, but he’s quite capable in a fight.” Snow glances briefly toward me, speaking in a voice loud enough that I hear every word from where I’m standing. 

“Hey, Alice. She’s insulting me now.” 

“Eh, she did say you’re quite capable in a fight. She’s complimenting you.” 

I don’t really find that very convincing. It’s at best a backhanded compliment… 

“Currently, our kingdom employs a large number of similar mercenaries. And these mercenaries are as savage as their brutish looks suggest. However, if we give them an enemy to fight, they’re easy to keep leashed.” 

The prince casts a worried glance in my direction. 

Even I can tell that she’s not complimenting me. 

Snow wears an evil grin as a threat lurks behind her words. “Certainly, we’re currently in a staring match with the Demon Lord’s Army, but I have no doubt that the war will heat up again soon. However…it’s important we maintain good relations with our neighbors, if only to keep these barbarians in check.” 

“O-of course! Hence our lavish welcome, Lady Snow…” 

…I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that exchange. 

Just then. 

“How dare you! You should have told me you were engaged! Being a hunk doesn’t mean you get to toy with a maiden’s heart!” 

“B-but th-that’s ridiculous…! Please calm down, Miss Grimm! We’re drawing everyone’s attention!” 

I hear angry shouting coming from right smack in the middle of the hall. 

When I look over to see what’s going on, I catch our squadron’s spinster trying to curse the knight from earlier. 

“O Great Lord Zenarith, I beseech thee! Deliver disaster unto this man! Be drenched in water!” 

Something in Grimm’s hands vanishes in a flash of light, just as water drenches her as though someone had emptied a bucket over her head. 

…Looks like her curse misfired. 

The thoroughly soggy Grimm slumps, gazing down at the ground and trembling. 

“…Heh…Heh-heh-heh… Laugh! Ha-ha-ha! Laugh at this pathetic woman! Laugh at the woman dumped by the handsome knight! Laugh at the woman who then couldn’t even get a curse right! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha. Laugh at me!” 

The spinster flops onto the carpeted floor, rolling back and forth in a temper tantrum. I try not to think about the fact that she’s one of my subordinates… 

This is really hard to watch, so I turn to leave. At which point… 

“Please, young lady, don’t be so hard on yourself. The soaked dress and tears are spoiling your beauty. I’ll have the maids prepare a fresh set of clothes for you…” 

As Grimm throws a tantrum, a tall middle-aged gentleman approaches her and lends his handkerchief. He then offers her a hand to help her stand. 

He’s built pretty ruggedly. He’s probably a general or something along those lines. 

“…Th-thank you, sir. M-may I have your name…?” 

“First, allow me to warn you that I’m married, with children.” 

I can’t stand to keep watching. I walk up to Alice, who has been keenly observing Grimm, and poke her shoulder. Then I quickly make my way out of the room.