6
The deaths kept piling up.
The endings continued.
Subaru could hear his ■■■■■ cracking a little more with each agonizing wound, with each devastating loss.
While letting out cries of incomprehension, he gritted his teeth in frustration when the miserable end came, then stood up again, pressing forward despite being covered in wounds and coughing up blood.
The struggles of a tearful, earnest boy were plain to see.
If not the first time, then the second. If not the second, then the third. If not the third, then the fourth. With every checkmate, he tasted death again. Even so, he held on, determined to break free and forge ahead.
It was inspiring. A feat worthy of respect.
Not giving up in these circumstances was nothing short of admirable. To grit his teeth and fight on, after everything he had gone through…it was incredible.
I have to admit, it’s impressive. I’m definitely seeing you in a new light.
…But this couldn’t be it. There had to be something else. There just had to be.
“Something…”
Anything…
It just doesn’t make sense otherwise.
He still hadn’t found what transformed the powerless, irredeemable Natsuki Subaru into the Natsuki Subaru who could save Emilia and everyone else. That was why he was still searching so desperately, so frantically. Every time he opened a book of the dead, he was at the mercy of every abrupt transition, experiencing every bit of shock and terror the other Natsuki Subaru had felt. Braving the excruciating agony of death, he searched with increasing desperation.
But he couldn’t find a single clue…
“Uwaaaaaaah!!!”
He slammed his head against the floor.
It had been fine while he was watching it. But the moment he came back, shame gripped his ■■■■■.
“Dad… Mom…”
There was a Natsuki Subaru who spoke to his parents and apologized to them. That Natsuki Subaru said his farewells to them without a care. He said he loved them for his own satisfaction, despite knowing how much his disappearance would hurt them…
“Uh…bgh…aaaaaa.”
He threw up. And he wept.
What was so painful, so distressful, was that he understood Natsuki Subaru’s feelings painfully well, and he also knew that his parents would forgive him.
Don’t forgive me. Curse me. It would have been easier if they just yelled at me for being a terrible son.
But they didn’t.
His father and mother didn’t do what he expected. For his own sake, he wanted them to treat him like a failure of a son. But they would never do such a thing.
Subaru’s father, Kenichi, and his mother, Nahoko, were the best parents.
A part of him was unbelievably happy. A part of him completely agreed with Natsuki Subaru’s decision. And there was a part of him who wanted to be saved, even though he had no right. It was tying his ■■■■■ into knots.
Is this it? Is this the crux of it all? Is this how you became the best Natsuki Subaru could be?
“No…no, it can’t be! No! This isn’t right!”
Scratching his head, he slammed his fist into his aching forehead and berated himself.
Psychological relief wasn’t what he’d been looking for. It had to be something clearer, something with some real power. A special key. An ability.
Some great power that only Natsuki Subaru knew about.
Something that Natsuki Subaru alone had awakened, like how Subaru developed his Cor Leonis ability. There had to be a special something, and he had to find it.
That was why Natsuki Subaru confronted death again.
“Tell me, Natsuki Subaru! What makes you special?! How can you be the only special one?! There has to be a reason! Something that changed you! Something that made you different! That made you not some useless dumbass! Change me! I don’t want to be this useless, pathetic, weak, shitty little person anymore! I’m tired of it! I don’t want to see everyone suffer anymore! There must be something, right?! It doesn’t make any sense… There has to be… You’re different from me… Because if you’re not…”
…Then there isn’t anything to do but…give up.
“If you’re just as weak and lousy as me and don’t have any power…”
After he’d been pushed to the brink so many times, someone was always there to give him a push. He wanted to return the favor, to repay the people who were so good to him.
“I’m begging you, Natsuki Subaru, please. Please, stop this…”
—It would have been so much simpler if you were a superman.
—If you only looked like me but were totally different on the inside and had nothing in common with my weak body and ■■■■■.
—That would have made it so much easier to understand why you can do things I never could…
But…
He tore books off the shelves and rushed headfirst into more deaths, wearing down his ■■■■■ with each one. His dogged determination was undeniable, but he was burning at both ends.
Even so, he pushed on, refusing to give up hope on finding what he was searching for…
Subaru opened the next book.
He braced himself. It might scramble his brain, or crush his ■■■■■, or defile his soul. But he couldn’t stop now. Losing that last thread of hope would be worse than any amount of suffering.
“You understand, don’t you…Natsuki Subaru?”
He spoke to someone who wasn’t there, looking for agreement. His voice sounded lifeless, but that was to be expected. The person he addressed didn’t merit excitement. The guy wasn’t all that.
With a forlorn hope that none of that was true and that he would finally be able to put an end to this, he pulled out yet another book of the dead.
Then—
“—Yeah, I get exactly what you mean.”
It was a bright, white space.
A quick glance confirmed Subaru wasn’t in the archive, nor was he a bodiless entity slipping into more memories. No, this was a different place but one that he recognized.
This is…
“I get you, Natsuki Subaru.”
“ ”
“I mean, of course I do. You’re me.”
Standing there in that all-white world was Natsuki Subaru, waiting with those intimidating eyes he knew so well.
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