Monogatari Series - Volume 8 - Chapter 1.65

065

“…Ah, ahh─”

Araragi.

Araragi, Araragi.

Araragi, Araragi, Araragi─

I felt a burning pain all along my skin.

The burns covering my body hurt now that my consciousness had thrust its way back to the surface─but it didn’t bother me one bit.

I burned far hotter in my chest.

Oh.

So Tsukihi was right after all.

Envy was nothing─compared to the flames of love.

Just look at how the mere sight of Araragi made this fire roar─and it had only been a few days.

It felt like we were meeting for the first time in a century.

“Araragi…why are you here?”

“Hey, what sort of stupid question is that, Hanekawa?”

That hurts, he added.

“You’re in trouble. How could I not come running to your side?”

“Ahaha… Listen to you.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

Seriously, listen to you.

You were off on some grand adventure with Mayoi and Miss Kanbaru until just now.

Look at how battered you’ve gotten yourself again.

Hurt all over, covered in wounds.

No doubt having done many senseless things.

No doubt having done many reckless things.

But…

You didn’t do a thing that was pointless, did you.

“Well, actually,” he said, “I tossed everything aside and came running when I saw you in casual clothes in the pic you sent me!”

“Hold on, hold on, hold on.”

I really wanted that to be a joke.

And those clothes were his, too.

Plus, most of it had gone up in flames.

<G-Ghhh…>

And there, under Araragi─growled the tiger.

The Tyrannical Tiger growled.

<Aaaaagh… It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It burns. It hurts. It burns. It burns. It burns. It burns─>

“Oops.”

Araragi saw this and pulled the blade from its throat in a single motion.

He seemed used to it.

How much hell had he been through over these few short days? Was his warrior level higher, or was I just imagining it?

“Um, Black Hanekawa…I guess? At the moment. Wait, you’d be Hanekawa either way… But you still have those ears and stuff, and your hair is white─”

“It’s all me.”

“I see.”

Nodding, he took the Tyrannical Tiger, on the verge of death─grabbed that mass of my emotions, still stubbornly smoldering, by the neck and dragged it in front of me.

He took that heavy, massive beast that seemed to weigh easily more than a thousand pounds.

And brought it to me.

“You’re not exorcizing it, are you?”

Sorry, but I went and read that whole letter, he said.

So he’d gone back to his room before running over here─no, that’s exactly why he knew where “here” was.

“I pierced its vitals with Kokorowatari, so it’s not gonna last long. If you want to absorb it, you’d better do it fast.”

“……”

If he read that…then he understood everything.

Including the fact that I would be gone.

Or at least─that I would no longer be the same me.

He knew that as he was saying this.

“Are you okay with that, Araragi?”

Even so.

Even though I knew he did, I asked him in words if he knew.

I clung on to his kindness.

Save me─

I, who refused to speak those words until the very end.

“Are you okay with me not being me anymore?”

“Like I said─what kind of a stupid question is that, Hanekawa?”

Yet he replied immediately.

“You just said it yourself. No matter what happens, it’s all you. You might change, but you’re still you. Don’t worry. I’m not going to make any special exception for you. If you become a bad person, I’ll hate you. If you do bad things, I’ll get angry at you. If people resent you, I’ll stick up for you. If you get stupid─well, I’ll even help you study.”

If you cry, I’ll comfort you.

Saying so, he─

Patted my head.

“………nkk!”

This one act.

Caused my heart─to be engulfed in flames.

I couldn’t even describe it as hot anymore.

Right.

I always─wanted someone to do that to me.

I wanted someone to stroke me gently like that.

I wanted someone to touch me, gently.

“Hey, Araragi?”

“Hm?”

“I love you, Araragi,” I said.

“Can we date with the intent to get married?”

I was finally able to say it.

Just that much─and it took me nearly half a year.

Araragi looked the tiniest bit startled by my sudden confession before his expression turned into a troubled smile.

“I see,” he said. “I’m super glad to hear it. But I’m sorry. I happen to have a girlfriend.”

“Yeah. I know.”

I raised my head and looked straight ahead of me.

Room 201, Tamikura Apartments.

She would be in there─sleeping, alongside her dad.

“Do you love her more than you love me?”

“Yeah.”

It was a mean question, but he gave an honest answer.

I was so happy that he did.

But of course, more than that, it hurt.

“Ahhh… I’ve been rejected.”

Right.

This was it.

Correct.

Confess, then get rejected.

I felt so sad.

I’d been talking about traveling the world and discovering myself─when I’d never experienced this sorrow?

What self-discovery, what self-creation?

Without heartbreak─how could I go on a trip to mend my broken heart?

I was never able to say, “Save me.”

But I did say, “I love you.”

I was able to say it.

Araragi noticed my feelings a long time ago, of course. He found out before the culture festival.

Actually, he found out all over again if he read the note in his room.

But it wasn’t enough that he knew it.

I needed to let him know.

I needed a reply from him.

He needed to let me know.

How he felt about me.

I finally got my reply─and.

I was rejected, and was able to feel hurt.

I reached out my hand and touched the Tyrannical Tiger’s forehead─

I patted the head of this third me.

I was doing to the still-burning flames of my emotions what I was so happy to have done to me.

I stroked my smoldering feelings.

An energy drain.

For the last time.

The burns across my body began to heal─and as they did, waves of feeling began to surge into me.

Dark emotions that had pooled and accumulated for eighteen years.

And stress.

Everything I had forced onto Black Hanekawa, onto the Tyrannical Tiger, was now, with interest─coming back into me.

“Unh… Uh-unnnh…”

Why was it?

By the time I realized.

“Unh… Wuuuh… W-Waaahh.”

By the time I realized, I was crying.

Maybe I couldn’t bear the overflowing emotions, maybe it was the pain of the stress they brought with them, or maybe, after all, it was my sadly broken heart─but right in front of Araragi.

Without a care if anyone saw me.

Like a child.

Like a newborn child, I wailed.

“Waaaaah, ah, ah, unh, uwaaaaahhh, hic, hic… Waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!”

Which is why I feel this was the day─

I could be born at last.

Just as he’d promised, Araragi comforted me until the tears stopped.

Not saying a word.

He spent the night gently stroking my head.