Monogatari Series - Volume 8 - Chapter 1.66

066

The epilogue.

Or maybe, let’s consider everything until now the prologue.

My tale begins today.

First is the question of what Araragi was up to these few days, skipping school, but he stubbornly kept his mouth shut and refused to tell me a thing. Well, Miss Kanbaru was present the next day like normal (and aside from the bandage on her left arm, she didn’t seem to be covered with injuries like Araragi); he also said I didn’t need to worry about Mayoi and that the temporarily severed pairing between him and Shinobu was now back, so it all worked out well in the end─or at least that’s the way it seemed.

I still had no idea how Miss Gaen and li’l Episode were involved, or how they had interacted, but this is Araragi we’re talking about.

I’m sure something incredibly painful happened.

And that he overcame it.

I want to be that way too.

I also had a chance to speak to Shinobu, her pairing with Araragi now restored. Hearing of my experiences during his absence, she said:

“What ye’ve there is a kasha. While it may have no base, it was surely modeled on it or something of its ilk. I’d say ’twas an aberration created with something of that nature in mind rather than a bake-no-hi.”

“A kasha?” I asked, while also thinking about how this was the first time I was ever talking to Shinobu this way despite exchanging words with her multiple times as Black Hanekawa. “What might you mean?”

“Really, class president? Thou art ignorant of the kasha?”

“Oh, no, I’m certainly aware of what it is, but…” I was trying to be polite speaking to this aberration who had been alive for five hundred years, but it felt odd because she looked like an eight-or-so-year-old little girl. “…As I’m sure you’re aware, it was a tiger.”

“And I’d heard as much from the Afflicting Cat, which is why I had trouble coming up with this then─yet if this aberration was one of fire, then it surely must have been a kasha.”

“Oh…”

The kasha, or the Burning Chariot, is an aberration said to drag dead bodies into hell─which, now that I thought about it, was something the Tyrannical Tiger had said, too─and it was described in many cases as a cat aberration.

A cat.

─That woman has seen me.

─That alone is essential.

More things she had said.

In other words, seeing the Tyrannical Tiger was directly linked to a trip to hell, no ifs, ands, or buts─

“It wasn’t a cat, though, it was a tiger.”

“Similar enough, are they not?”

“And it wasn’t a chariot, but a tiger.”

“Then what about a jaguar? Is that not a type of chariot nowadays?”

“……”

A Jaguar?

So she was trying to say─that a flaming chariot was just as likely to be a flaming tiger?

That seemed like a coincidence…but then the name came from Miss Gaen.

No, it came from me, after all.

In that case.

“After thy Afflicting Cat, that aberration drawn across the street by a vehicle, we have a flaming chariot that draws the dead to hell─what an elegant connection, eh? Haha, and ’tis just as that Hawaiian-shirted boy says, meet an aberration and you’ll be drawn by aberrations.”

“This feels like it’s just turning into a word association game… Hmm─so if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that while there may not have been a base aberration like with the Afflicting Cat, the Tyrannical Tiger still wasn’t entirely original?”

“Not a thing exists that could be called entirely original─’tis the wall that any creator throughout history has inevitably encountered. Even Sekizen, in fact. The flaming tiger ye conjured is undoubtedly the product of all thy gathered knowledge and relationships, not some changed flame or flaming chariot alone. One may have a great deal of freedom, but one is never truly free.”

“So it’s like the saying, all art begins with imitation.”

“Oh, but what a terribly timid and masochistic way of thinking.” Shinobu shrugged and laughed. It was a gruesome laugh. “We ought to think of ourselves as continuing on in the tradition of our great forebears, should we not? Every one of us continues in the footsteps of another, and every one of us will have others continuing on from the paths we’ve tread. We take the ball we’ve received from our predecessors and pass it on to the next generation. Someday, someone may shoot that ball and score, but the match will only go on. ’Tis what we mean by lineage, and what we mean by tradition, and perhaps someone may follow after the Black Hanekawa or Tyrannical Tiger ye thought of.”

“Hmm.”

I wouldn’t want that happening.

But maybe there was still meaning in my folly if it could go on to become a lesson for later generations.

Even this worthless tale of mine.

Maybe it could be of use, I thought.

Well, now that Araragi had returned, I of course needed to leave the Araragi residence, like dough being pushed through a pasta maker─but he said, “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll sleep on the floor, so you can keep using my bed. In fact, I’ll sleep under the bed. I’ll even be your bed. I promise to close my eyes when you change and stuff, of course.”

His kind objection, though, only served to make me feel like my chastity was in danger, so I respectfully declined.

I was happy that he still treated me the same as always, but it also seemed to be his way of showing how unshaken his feelings were, and I couldn’t help but feel pained, too.

If I let Araragi keep me there any longer, maybe it was his chastity that was going to be endangered.

Karen did say that “He should just leave so you can become one of the kids in our family, Tsubasa” (how mean!), but of course that wasn’t happening.

Their family.

Consisted of them and them alone.

I couldn’t thrust myself into it.

While it may have only been two days in retrospect, before leaving their home I politely thanked everyone in the Araragi family who had taken care of me.

From there, I ended up going back to Miss Senjogahara’s place─the nearly incinerated Room 201, Tamikura Apartments.

Apparently Mister Senjogahara was going on a two-week-long overseas business trip─and he in fact requested me to stay with his daughter.

I knew it had to be an excuse.

There wasn’t any way that he could so suddenly be assigned such a trip─not unless he asked for it.

She must have explained the situation to him, and this was his way of handling the situation. She must have known that I couldn’t stay at Araragi’s for long, regardless of when he would return.

In other words, that too─was part of her scheme.

“Hitagi, I’ve always told you that you should become the kind of person who helps her friends when they’re in trouble,” Mister Senjogahara said just before he left, his largish travel bag in hand. “And that’s exactly who you’ve become. I’ve never been happier.”

He patted his daughter on the head.

And I’ll never forget Miss Senjogahara’s expression as he did so.

Or his own.

While I cohabited with Miss Senjogahara for a while after that, it’s not as if everything went perfectly.

Having taken the Afflicting Cat and Tyrannical Tiger in, I was, to be blunt, an emotional wreck. To say the least, I don’t think I was pleasant to live with.

Miss Senjogahara, though, still did what she could to support me.

“I know how it is,” she told me.

She let me know in detail how she’d overcome her churning emotions.

We clashed, and we even fought.

But we made up afterwards.

And as the days went on, I began to understand why, despite all the jealousy I should have felt for Araragi’s girlfriend, she was the one person I never envied.

Right.

I think I understood from the beginning.

Araragi.

Miss Senjogahara.

They were going to end up going out.

They were going to end up going out.

I understood─and knew that.

I might not know everything, actually.

But I did know that.

So the supportive feelings I had for their relationship ever since Mother’s Day─those, at least, weren’t a lie.

“You know, Miss Hanekawa,” Miss Senjogahara said, “I was thinking the complete opposite. Ever since seeing you and Araragi in April, I thought you two had to be going out. Or that you were at least in love with each other. That’s why I was shocked when I asked Araragi if you were and he said no.”

And now.

And now that I feel like I can be honest with you, she said before continuing.

“I thought Araragi was going to reject me when I confessed how I felt. At the time, I was of course prepared to do anything to get him to say yes, but I can’t deny that somewhere in my heart, some part of me felt resigned. I mean, Araragi was so clearly in love with you─and that’s when I felt like I’d fallen in love with the guy who’d fallen in love with you.”

“Oh. That really is the opposite of me, then,” I remarked. With a smile, I think. “I doubt I’d have fallen for him so hard if it wasn’t for the fact that he was going out with you.”

Yes─I know it’s the most cliché thing to say.

But we fell in love with his kindness.

He never cuts anything loose, he never throws anything away.

We fell in love with how many-loved he is.

Good─so my sense that I had never begrudged Miss Senjogahara over Araragi was the one thing that I hadn’t cut off, it was my one true feeling.

I still couldn’t deny thinking about how great it must have been, though, so I did tease her at night, and her reactions were so wonderful.

Oh.

So I did love Araragi.

But I loved Miss Senjogahara too.

And only when I was able to admit that to myself did I feel like my heart was well and truly broken.

Pain and heartbreak─I’d managed to experience them.

Having lived thus for about ten days.

The moment arrived at last.

The news reached me that a rental had been found to replace the burned-down Hanekawa residence─which meant I needed to go. Miss Senjogahara seemed worried and said, “You don’t need to leave so suddenly. Why don’t you take your time until you feel like you’re ready?” but I was fine now.

She didn’t need to worry at all.

“Thank you,” I told Miss Senjogahara, “I’ll come over to play again soon,” as I made my dashing exit from the Tamikura Apartments─no, that’s a lie.

What really happened is that I broke down crying.

It hurt to have to leave Miss Senjogahara, and I felt helpless when I thought of my life to come.

So the Tyrannical Tiger was right.

I really was fragile.

Quick to break down and cry.

But Miss Senjogahara cried too, so maybe we were even.

And you know, I ran into Sengoku on my way from the apartment to the rental house.

Nadeko Sengoku─a middle-school student with ties to Araragi.

We had never interacted much with each other, though, and she was with her parents, so I didn’t call out to her. She probably didn’t notice me.

They seemed to be such a close family.

The thought passed through my mind─and I felt jealous.

No, no, I thought as I suppressed the feeling.

Nope, I shouldn’t be suppressing it.

I’m the kind of person who sees that kind of thing and feels jealous.

My first step was going to be accepting that.

As I went on living, I’d check to make sure that a fire still burned in my heart─after all, flames are a part of civilization, no matter what the flames may be.

I knew I could evolve.

I wasn’t Miss Kanbaru, but my view had widened to the point where I could at least walk by a happy family like that and see them─so it felt like I was beginning, indeed.

If you were wondering, the cases of the Hanekawa residence and the abandoned cram school burning down were chalked up to spontaneous combustion, as close to an accident as you could get─window glass acting as a lens or something, unusually dry air for summer or something.

Huh.

So the world did work itself out.

Contradictions did get resolved.

Even so, I don’t think I can allow myself to forget what I did.

While no one ever tried to find me guilty, I was not innocent.

That was something that needed to be fresh in the mind of every living thing─

Pure, white innocence was impossible.

The rental house I arrived at wasn’t too big. They must have seen it as a temporary abode for the duration of the new home’s construction. In fact, it seemed like it was on the smaller side for the neighborhood.

It didn’t have many rooms, either.

But I had already faced the persons who should be called my father and my mother and told them in no uncertain terms.

I told them when I heard that they decided on a rental─

“Dad. Mom. Please give me a room.”

And so.

And so, for the first time in my life, I had my own room.

I didn’t want the sisters in my heart to feel cramped.

Yes.

It’s not as if she disappeared.

It wasn’t as if the Tyrannical Tiger disappeared, either─

They were in my heart.

And I hadn’t disappeared either.

The old me was in me, too.

A thought crossed my mind.

A model student, a class president among class presidents, kind to all, fair, smart, like some kind of saint─maybe the old me whom Araragi described in such terms was the first aberration I ever created.

The girl that Araragi called the real deal.

And the girl that Miss Senjogahara called a monster.

That was the very first time I created myself.

The ideal me─for whom I had killed my self in so many ways.

It was probably something that I shouldn’t have done.

The very first thing that I had cut loose from my heart was my self─it was never about real or main, about dominant or controlling.

It was all me.

And so─both the current me and the past me.

The future me, too. Maybe there was no essential difference among us.

Just as Araragi would always continue to be Araragi, no matter how much he changed─I would never change, no matter what me I became.

That’s how it was.

Nothing changed.

That was─not the epilogue, but the punch line of this story.

I am me.

Tsubasa Hanekawa.

My cat ears were gone now and I wasn’t seeing Tyrannical Tigers, but about half of my hair was still white, almost like a tiger’s stripes. That seemed like proof.

I dye it black every morning now, since going to school looking that way would be a little too avant-garde, but it never feels like a bother or a waste of time.

It’s my way of communicating. With them.

With my own heart and mind.

It’s the honest truth that I find it fun.

Yes.

I have a feeling─this is how my life is going to be.

Changing, even when nothing changes.

I used the key I had been given to open the front door─it looked like those two hadn’t come back from work yet, and no one was home. It was a completely unknown house to me, but for some reason, it didn’t feel like I was sneaking into a stranger’s residence. If anything, it felt familiar. Was unlocking a front door enough to make you feel that way?

Wondering, I began by climbing the stairs.

One step at a time.

Like I was chewing over the act.

When I climbed up the last stair and reached the second floor, for some reason I suddenly thought of Mayoi.

The girl who’d been lost for a long time when I first met her.

The Lost Cow─right.

So just maybe the very first source I had cited in creating the Tyrannical Tiger hadn’t been any flaming chariot or changing flame, but the Lost Cow.

Mayoi had of course been parted from the Lost Cow by now, but I could see it as being something of an echo. Perhaps learning of Araragi’s absence wasn’t the only reason I had met the Tyrannical Tiger just after coming across Mayoi.

There was apparently a time when cows and tigers were confused for one another─so it didn’t seem impossible.

I had lost sight of family and home─so it seemed like an appropriate aberration to meet.

Ever since that day.

No, ever since I met Mayoi in the park that day in May─I had been lost.

Wandering back and forth, here and there, around and around.

I must have been roaming.

I thought to myself.

I’d talk to Mayoi about it the next time I see her.

I really had gotten myself lost, hadn’t I?

As lost as one could be.

But thanks to that, I got to meet a lot of people.

So, so many people.

I witnessed various families.

I witnessed various me’s.

Which is why I could become me.

If the past me is me, then the future me is me, too.

There’s no moment when I’m not me.

Then, what me will I be tomorrow?

Looking forward to things, I place my hand on the doorknob.

It’s my room, given to me.

Western-style, hundred-or-so square feet.

Though only for the six short months until graduation─this place is, without a doubt, for me.

A place for us.

Out of nowhere, I remember the passage added to the letter that I left in my notebook that day.

No, it isn’t long enough to be called a passage─a line, or just words.

Just a brief little greeting from a white cat that always stayed with me, that protected me at all times.

A common expression.

One that passes through everyone’s lips as a normal part of the day.

But it’s the first time in my life that I ever mouth them.

“I’m home.”

I enter my room.

Finally I’ve made it back.