Monogatari Series - Volume 30 - Chapter 1.20

020

“The Sleeping Cat at Nikko Toshogu Shrine is said to be the work of the legendary sculptor Hidari Jingorou from the Edo period; however, this is more of a legend than a historical fact, Araragi-kun. There’s no definitive proof, and we don’t even know for sure if Jingorou himself even existed. He’s akin to the ‘what do you do if a bird won’t sing?’ idiom, or the Sanada Brave Ten. Even if we knew they didn’t exist, we can’t deny them anymore since it’s been woven into the fabric of our history—living and dying in people’s hearts. In this sense, the artist seems more supernatural than the carved cat itself. The sleeping cat has a tangible existence while its creator doesn’t seem so real. Does that mean human beings exist, but God doesn’t?”

“Really? You know everything.”

“I don’t know everything, I only know what I know.”

“How come you know things I don’t when you’re supposed to be my inner Hanekawa?”

“Maybe you learned it while studying for exams? Or the information about the World Heritage site in the guidebook unconsciously caught your eye and you just forgot.”

“I see. So that’s how my memory palace works. You pick up the things that I’ve overlooked. That’s how I’ve managed to break through the civil servant exams and the surprise inspections at the FBI Academy.”

“That’s quite a creepy learning method. I wouldn’t recommend that to exam takers.”

“Pretty harsh. The real Hanekawa is much kinder.”

“Isn’t that kind ‘real’ one actually more like a supernatural phenomenon? Even if it were eighteen years ago, a serious glasses-wearing girl with braids is simply a stereotype. It fits perfectly.”

“Come to think of it, I felt like I was playing the role of a ‘friendless, talentless, mediocre dropout’ in high school.”

“From the outside, you looked genuinely scary, like a delinquent. No exaggeration. Just like you were afraid of everyone, they were afraid of you too. People thought you’d someday cause an incident.”

“They were that afraid, huh? That’s kind of a shock.”

“Maybe that’s why Senjougahara-san, having her secret held, went into such excessive self-defense mode—oops, she’s not Senjougahara-san anymore, is she?”

“……”

“Sorry I couldn’t attend the wedding. I’ll just call her Hitagi-chan. I’m one of those ‘your name doesn’t matter’ types, but I do like to respect the person.”

“So, it’s not about individuality, but the individual?”

“That’s right. All I wanted was a family, more than a name, but I’m not sure if my dream has come true or not—that’s something only the real me can determine. Not the inner me who lives within you, Araragi-kun.” 

“The real one’s nowhere to be found, and it’s not just her name; she’s wanted on an international arrest warrant.”

“Wow, that’s quite the accomplishment, isn’t it, me?”

“Honestly, part of the reason I got into the FBI Academy might be due to the connection to the real—once-real you back in our teenage years. The connection’s still alive.”

“I think that’s different. It was because of your skills, Araragi-kun. You chose substance over name. It’s not good to attribute everything to me—maybe it’s best if we put an end to this kind of talk.”

“Because it’s weird?”

“It can’t be pleasant for Hitagi-chan, right?”

“Even if you try to erase everything, even your name, you can’t just erase the impact you’ve had on me. That spring break—if you hadn’t been there…”

“If I hadn’t been there, you might not even have met Shinobu-chan in the first place. Oh, strictly speaking, it was Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heart-Under-Blade back then… Let’s just call her Kiss-chan.”

“Don’t just shorten it.”

“Giving something a cute nickname can be a way to dispel any sense of caution or fear towards it. It’s similar to the way that the nine-tailed fox has been turned into a character. On the other hand, there is also the approach of elevating its status by giving something an ominous name, like Killing Stone.”

“Isn’t there that saying that a rose will still bloom beautifully even if it’s not called a rose?”

“True, but it wouldn’t be blooming as a rose then, would it? Just like how we don’t call all plants from the genus Rosa a rose. The name itself may not matter, but how we are addressed by others does matter quite a bit.”

“So is that why you’ve abandoned your name? Because how you’re perceived by others is important to you?”

“That line of thought might lead to a fascinating discussion, but I shouldn’t keep the newlywed Hitagi-san waiting at the marriage shrine. Let’s switch tracks like that trolley problem you mentioned, and I’ll be the one run over. During spring break, if I wasn’t around, you would have never met Kiss-chan—you wouldn’t have offered your blood to a vampire or become one yourself, so you wouldn’t have needed saving by me either.”

“Then she wouldn’t have eaten anyone either.”

“That’s true, at least not in front of you.”

“……”

“Well, I think it’s good to occasionally ponder over that issue, like an exercise of sorts. Even though we all—myself included—faced a shared tragedy, we eventually found happiness. So, it would be a shame to diminish the significance of that struggle. However, to play the revolutionary, we’re living in the future created by that very battle, asking ourselves ‘what was that fight all for?’”

“I’m not talking to you as the revolutionary, but as the class president. Always.”

“Ah, yes, you’re still living your high school days, forever.”

“I’m twenty-four. Always a repeater.”

“Always in the middle of youth, then. Certainly, the idea of adopting Shinobu-chan, not Kiss-chan, as a daughter is not only far-fetched but revolting, and something that only an immature teenager could get away with.”

“But isn’t it still better than being a slave?”

“I wonder. It depends on what Shinobu-chan wants. As a princess, a king, and even a god at one point, if Shinobu-chan wishes to be a slave now, I would think that we should respect her wish. Didn’t Gaen-san feel the same way?”

“Perhaps it’s my ego. Wanting to make her my daughter when she wants to stay a slave is just like keeping her alive despite her death wish.”

“If you’re trying to change the setting for future compliance by making her a daughter instead of a slave, that makes sense. So if we adopt that logic, it would be impossible to forgive her for her lengthy period of eating people.”

“……”

“But if you just want to make her your daughter because Shinobu-chan is cute, adorable, and lovable, then that’s not ego. It’s love.”

“Love?”

“That’s your style of confession in English.”

“Well, I’d say that’s more Hitagi’s style… But in katakana, it’s got a different flavor.”

“Would you prefer I pronounce it as ‘lav’?”

“Flavorful…”

“Isn’t it clear that the ideal Hanekawa Tsubasa you envision would nonchalantly declare such embarrassing hypocrisy straight out in the open, without a trace of shame?”

“Hmm, I’m not sure. It feels like the Hanekawa in my memory is somewhat unclear.” 

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing? If your plan to adopt a vampiress was disrupted systematically because you remembered that in the past, she had committed sins, that’s some kind of cancel culture, isn’t it? It’s not because you’ve grown up, but rather, a decision that properly aligns with the times. This judgment sounds even more immaculate than spring break Araragi, doesn’t it?”

“…You’re saying I’m more fastidious now than my high school mentality?”

“I can’t be sure, but I’ve happily thrown myself into the revolution because I wanted to be a dirtied white cat. However, as your inner Hanekawa, I can’t even begin to imagine the thoughts and feelings of ‘Her.’ I don’t know everything, I only know what I know—and that’s what I don’t know.”

“……”

“But, Araragi-kun, I think you know. You’ve been closely attached to Shinobu-chan for years, even more so than her name, constantly observing her as if under some form of probation. If you believe it’s safe for her to be your daughter, then that judgment is probably correct, even if that’s not necessarily the ‘righteousness’ you want.”

“…That’s only right for me, isn’t it? But I’m aware that just because my inner Hanekawa is telling me what’s convenient for me doesn’t mean that it’s true—rather, as my inner Hanekawa, I was hoping you’d offer a more critical perspective. Being assured that I’m right only makes things harder, to the extent that I almost wish I could summon my inner Oikura to refute it all outright. I mean, my body isn’t just my own anymore.”

“Mm, mhm.”

“I have a family now, and a responsibility to my family.”

“Are you talking legally? You know there’s no righteousness in the law, it exists only to be enforced. In the grand scheme of things, it all started when Hitagi-chan chose to abandon her family name and adopt yours, like the beginning of a home drama.”

“A home drama, huh?”

“Maybe a legal drama. About law. Yes, it’s fascinating. But Araragi-kun, could it be the other way around?”

“Eh?”

“I mean, you may feel a sense of guilt now, as if torn between a lifelong partner with whom you wish to share your future and committing to the dark legacy of a legendary vampire.”

“I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a dark legacy, or even if I don’t feel that way, it’s kind of like I’m starting to. I think that turning sin into common property is somewhat, well, imposing.”

“But isn’t that the opposite?”

“Opposite? What’s opposite?”

“I don’t know everything, and I’ve never been a god, so I struggle when asked about anything and everything, but as for this, it was a resounding success that you asked me, not Oikura-san. It may even be something that only I—now non-existent, “Hanekawa Tsubasa”—can say. A sentiment that only I know.”

“Sentiment?”

“It’s not a law, not a rule, not anything that requires memorization. So, isn’t hesitating to involve the element of Shinobu-chan—an aberration and a child—in your and Hitagi-chan’s relationship, which you have sworn to the gods, not wrong? After all, chronologically speaking, the relationship between you and Shinobu-chan came first.”

“Ah.”

“Don’t just go ‘ah.’ It was Hitagi-chan who intervened in that master-servant relationship later on. Yes, just as smoothly as she slipped in between you and me back in our third year of high school.” 

”……“

“I like Hitagi-chan and we remained friends ever since, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me—it bothered me so much that I became a monster.”

“……”

“Originally, shouldn’t you have tried to persuade Shinobu-chan instead of Hitagi-chan? Even before deciding whether or not to adopt her, you should have consulted with her first, even when proposing. You must have known that you had to gain Shinobu-chan’s permission before even asking Hitagi-chan’s father. It’s just like how you can’t neglect the cat you have when welcoming a new one. After all, it’s incredibly late to realize that your body isn’t just yours alone anymore. You’ve had a blonde little girl with you all along.”

“……”

“As the inner Hanekawa Tsubasa that you envision as ideal, I can say as many shameful and hypocritical things as I want without batting an eye. However, Hitagi-chan must never be made to feel that way again. You cannot allow guilt from sneaking in, whisking you away like a thief in the night, to dictate your new married life. It would be preposterous. You mustn’t let Hitagi-chan feel for a single moment that she stole you away from Shinobu-chan—right?”

“…As always, you really do know everything.”

“But of course—I don’t know everything.”

I simply learned what it feels like to be the one left behind.

From someone, who shall remain nameless.