“Hey Oikura, I’m going on a honeymoon to Tochigi with Hitagi tomorrow, would you like to come along?”
“Die.”
“You shouldn’t tell a twenty-four-year-old to die.”
“I had too many things to say, so I simply and succinctly said ‘die.’ I didn’t want to speak more than one word to you. But, I’m an adult too, so let me organize and list my objections one by one: don’t invite me on a honeymoon, don’t invite me the day before, and I hate you. Hate the hate with hate by hate for hate to hate at hate of hate.”
“What? You came to the wedding, didn’t you? That was the first time I saw you dressed up. You looked fantastic.”
“I attended as a friend of the bride. Don’t address me so casually, you married man. Don’t say ‘fantastic’ without any sincerity.”
“Can’t you take time off? Just for three days.”
“When will you stop thinking like a college student? I have work. Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and the day after that, and the following day, and the day after that and the one after that and even the day after that. I may have unpaid leave but no paid leave.”
“You should retire, just say you’re sick and need to be hospitalized.”
“Don’t try to put me in a hospital. Even if every page of my schedule book was blank, I would eternally refuse to go on a trip with Araragi.”
“Which Araragi is that, though?”
“It should go without saying. It’s not at all complicated. I’ll continue to call Senjougahara-san by her maiden name. After all, she’s going to get a divorce soon anyway.”
“Ahahaha. So, about that.”
“Don’t ignore my curse.”
“I have thoughts about us sharing the same surname. Well, I knew it was a sudden invitation and you might not come, but if I didn’t at least give it a try, I thought you’d be complaining later.”
“Don’t make me out to be someone so troublesome.”
“Huh? Why not?”
“If you’re asking if I don’t like being called a troublesome person because I am one, the answer is yes.”
“You really are troublesome.”
“Even if I had an appointment booked six months in advance, I still wouldn’t go.”
“Your schedule is packed all the way to half a year later. That’s amazing for a town hall worker.”
“Ah, isn’t this just like you? Even after getting married, you never quite become an adult.”
“Well, now that I have a family of my own, I thought we’d have a close-knit family relationship with you from now on…”
“Impossible. I don’t have a family.”
““That was tactless of me. My apologies. Let me formally apologize for what I just said. However, you did accept and witness our marriage registration, so you’re practically quasi-family to us as a married couple?”
“No, that was part of my job. What even is a quasi-family?”
“Witnessing for us was part of your job too?”
“Senjougahara-san, who ended up with a guy like you who barely understands how to fill out paperwork, brought the marriage form without a name listed for the witness. So I reluctantly lent my name just so it could be processed.”
“We are very happy and grateful for that, but it’s also kind of worrying that you might end up becoming a co-signer for someone’s debt someday like this.”
“Don’t worry. If I were to become a co-signer, the debt review would not even pass.”
“What kind of past do you have?”
“A turbulent one. My credit history is a mess. My name got changed and reset once, but still.”
“Oh?”
“Haven’t I mentioned that? No no, you just forgot as usual, Araragi. When we first met by some mistake, I wasn’t Oikura.”
“Was that so? Oh right, I think Ougi-chan mentioned something like that, maybe she didn’t—”
“Who’s Ougi-chan? Another new addition of the Araragi Girls? She wasn’t at the wedding.”
“She’s stuck at school, unfortunately, so couldn’t make it to Tochigi…Oh, I see. You didn’t idolize Euler just because you were Oikura. You loved mathematics even before the Old Oikura began.”
“Old Oikura or not, it’s still me—it’s just a change in the name.”
“I see, that makes sense.”
“What other cases could there be?”
“Well, I feel like for some people, their name really shapes them. Like me - having the name ‘Koyomi’ makes me want to become a historic figure.”
“Your ‘koyomi’ and ‘history’ use different kanji.”¹
“No way.”
“How embarrassing it is to think that someone like you is representing Japan and training in America. I wonder if I should revoke your working visa with my authority.”
“Are you such a powerful figure? I can’t believe someone so capable could be exploited like this. I’m not exactly representing Japan and training at the FBI Academy or anything.”
“So you’ve always been a student.“
“Don’t you worry about me. I’m enjoying my eternal life, oh, I mean eternal moratorium.”
“You’re not exactly living up to your name. Not turning the pages of the calendar.”
“You have a way with words. In that sense, you’ve grown up, just like your name suggests.”
“How annoying. I know that when I was attending Naoetsu High School, people were badmouthing me behind my back, calling me ‘Oikura Sodatanai.’”²
“I didn’t know that… I know you were called ‘How Much,’ but why ‘Sodatanai’?”
“Then I’ve just revealed some unnecessary information. Senjougahara-san told me about it some time ago.”
“She might be the source of that rumor. If it was during our first year of high school.”
“How can that be, when I looked after that sickly girl without holding back anything?”
“She loved to talk bad about people she liked. And she didn’t speak ill of those she wasn’t interested in.”
“It was just a lovely little tsundere moment, that nickname, wasn’t it.”
“Oh, for the first time in my life, I heard you praise someone, although it was such a simple compliment.”
“Is it just Senjougahara where you’re going?”
“Well, despite everything going on, my schedule is getting packed. It’s only a two night, three day trip but…I’ve got to catch a flight to Washington on the fourth day.”
“You should be the one taking time off. I’m sure they’ll understand over there.”
“Even though I’ve been pulled every which way, I’m still technically in training. The wedding itself was quite the forced march…and with everything commission-based at work, I can’t take too much time off.”
“Sounds like a tough work environment all around. I definitely wouldn’t go, but as a witness I’ll be happy to proofread your honeymoon itinerary. What’s the roadmap looking like?”
“It’s nice getting your corrections again.”
“I doubt you remember back when I used to proofread your work.”
“I remember, maths fairy.”
“Want me to send you to an early grave?”
“You’re the only one who could raise me up or put me six feet under. Anyway, no way around the two night, three day schedule, so I’ve had to drop some places like Ashikaga, but there are still a few spots we just can’t miss.”
“You should build in some wiggle room on a trip like this. Otherwise it’ll be too jam-packed.”
“You’re probably right. We’re driving back and forth to squeeze it all in.”
“Driving instead of taking the bullet train? Why? You want to be jammed in while stuck in traffic too? Haven’t you heard of traffic jams?”
“Don’t shoot down the idea all at once. I did suggest the bullet train, but Hitagi-san really wants to drive.”
“Right.”
“Ever since high school, she got her license on the sly before she even graduated. She’s just that kind of person, you know? I heard about this mountain pass called Irohazaka from someone else, she said she really wants to try.”
“They’ll rescind her license for that.”
“Well, that’s a problem for day two. On the first day we’re going to Nasu Highlands. There’s something I need to see there– the Killing Stone.”
“Killing Stone? On your honeymoon?”
“I know how that sounds, but it’s not like I’m excited to see the Killing Stone itself. That’s just incidental. The main thing is I want to go glamping. It’s really trendy right now. Barbecues, hot springs, a nice relaxing experience– that’s what I’m looking for.”
“No amount of barbecues or hot springs can offset a place as ominous as the Killing Stone. If you’re not excited about it, then who is?”
“The next day after having nasuben in Nasu, we’ll go down from the highlands to Nikko. We’ll see the Sleeping Cat at Nikko Toshogu Shrine.”
“Not answering my question at all. The Sleeping Cat… to commemorate Hanekawa-san, I assume?”
“She’s not dead. Hanekawa is still alive… probably. But I read about it in the guidebook– apparently there is a bird carved into the back of the Sleeping Cat. Cat with wings. It made me wonder if Nikko Toshogu Shrine was the inspiration for Hanekawa’s character.“
“Surely you’re not going just to see that– it’s a World Heritage Site. You should try to learn something other than math, you know.”
“Along with Nikko Toshogu Shrine, Futarasan Shrine nearby is also a World Heritage Site, and it’s famous for being a shrine for matchmaking, so I’ll be sure to properly visit and pray there too.”
“Ah, now it’s sounding more like a honeymoon. Finally.”
“I also heard there’s a huge sword, Nenekirimaru, at Chugushi Shrine near Lake Chuzenji, so if possible, I’d like to show… uh, see it too.”
“Suddenly you’re acting all suspicious. I feel like there are opinions from lots of different people mixed in. Are you two really deciding this just between yourselves?”
“As you can see by me asking for your opinion like this, I do want to take in lots of different views– that’s just the democratic sort I am.”
“Hmm… smells fishy… I’ll launch a negative campaign against you if you run.”
“What an unpleasant threat.”
“So you want to climb Irohazaka to get a look at that big sword?”
“I’d love to ride one of those swan boats on Lake Chuzenji if they’ve got any going. We talked about climbing Mt Nantai too but it looks like you need to submit a climbing plan for mountains at that level, so I dropped that idea.”
“It’d be great if you got lost and died up there. Just you, mind.”
“Well, if that’s what you want I could make it happen, but if there are casualties it causes trouble for the mountain. I don’t want to upset nature. So I’ll drive carefully on Irohazaka. And if we’ve got time after that I want to see Kegon Falls and Ryuzu Falls before heading to Senjougahara while there’s still daylight.”
“Why’s that? To see the stars?”
“I’m going along with Hitagi’s idea that it’ll be an anticlimax if we can see stars before we get to Senjougahara. She wants us to watch the sun slowly set when we get there, spot the first star, and then spend the whole night gazing at the starry sky.”
“Rather than stargazing, it sounds like serious amateur astronomy. What, we’re camping out the second night too?”
“The second night we sleep in the car.”
“Hardcore.”
“To be honest, when I suggested it I was planning we’d look at the stars for a couple of hours then head to a hotel. Apparently it’s got some nice ones. But when I asked, Hitagi said it was her lifelong dream– to look at the stars all night long, without blinking. So it’s full-on hardcore stargazing.”
“She really is a romantic. And you just casually invite me on some crazy tough trip.”
“When we die, we die together, Oikura.”
“Death comes for us all eventually, I suppose. I won’t deny the allure of stargazing, but unless it’s a meteor shower or a lunar eclipse, can you really spend a whole night just staring at the sky without getting bored? I’ve spent my life looking at the ground, so I don’t really understand it.”
“Don’t casually mention such sad things…”
“I’ve stomped on the ground all my life imagining it was you.”
“Don’t casually mentions such scary things either… But the stars keep moving relentlessly, you know. It’s like timelapse photography- or fixed point observation, I guess… They may not be shooting stars, but if I can make even one person’s wish come true, I’ve no complaints. Except for the other guys, that is.”
“Other guys?”
“Oh, I just mean there might be other tourists there stargazing too.”
“Maybe, it being a weekday and all… I won’t call it a bad hobby, but I can’t imagine those starry-eyed stargazers sticking it out all night. Even if it’s summer, it must get freezing spending a night on Senjougahara, right? It’s pretty high up there.”
“Is it? I thought it was a marsh, so I imagined it was quite flat.”
“What was that about climbing Irohazaka?”
“Oh right… I’d better take precautions against the cold then. That’s good advice. You really let your guard down, Oikura.”
“I thought Senjougahara-san wouldn’t overlook something like that. What’s the plan for the last day after stargazing all night at Senjougahara?”
“I’m keeping that day open, as a buffer. If all goes well, we’ll finish up with one last stargazing session, then head home. But I don’t anticipate a trouble-free trip, travelling with me and all.”
“How lame… With you, Araragi, you’re not so much a troublemaker, but more like a firestarter.”
“So what do you think about our honeymoon roadmap?”
“It isn’t over until you get back home.”
“What do you mean?”
“After spending the entire night stargazing, descending Irohazaka seems to be a risky proposal, no matter who drives.”
“We’ll be fine. It’s not like we’ll be drinking while watching the stars, and we’d already have traveled the path once on the way up.”
“But you wouldn’t have. You’re ill-informed, Araragi. The ascent and descent of Irohazaka are two separate paths.”
“Ah, I think I recall hearing that from… someone else.”
“What someone?”
“A fanged someone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I haven’t been there myself, but if the geography class I took in college was accurate, the ascent should be Irohazaka no. 2, and the descent Irohazaka no. 1.”
“The ascent is the second slope? We must view the mountain peak as the starting point, I see. The seat of the gods.”
“The forty-eight syllables on the slope are counted from the bottom up. Anyway, drive safely. Before descending, make sure to take a nap. Apart from one major concern, that’s pretty much all I wanted to say.”
“There’s something bigger than a traffic accident? You should’ve led with that!”
“If mentioning the ominous Killing Stone was simply a side note, then I assume the main events of the honeymoon are the glamping on the first night and stargazing on the second, right?”
“Well, yeah. I’m looking forward to Toshogu Shrine and the Nenekirimaru, but it’s actually my first time going on a trip with Hitagi. That’s why those two are something I centered on.”
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