Monogatari Series - Volume 19 - Chapter 6.01

Chapter Six- Hitagi Rendez-Vous

001

I love Hitagi Senjogahara. I can say that brazenly. Why? Because it’s true. No other words needed, no other reasoning─the feeling’s so clear it feels foolish to explain it in detail.

A year ago, though, the idea that I’d ever feel that way about anyone never crossed my mind─it would’ve been even harder to believe than the existence of vampires and hell. To go further, harder to tolerate.

The concept of a me in love with someone felt phonier than any urban legend.

Coming to like someone.

Loving someone─I was afraid of it.

At the risk of being misunderstood, you could even say I avoided putting myself in that situation. I’m still awful at building relationships with other people, but if we were to describe it as an intentional, continued avoidance of other human beings on my part, I’d done a pretty good job of it.

If you went on to ask why I was such a coward about love, that one’s simple. I saw myself as precious─and feared no longer being that precious person.

I was afraid of changing.

And of being changed.

I think that’s what it was─and still don’t feel differently, I ought to let you know.

In my understanding, that’s what it means to become involved with another human being─whether it’s loving someone or hating someone.

Letting go of self-love is the condition.

Or else you won’t love anyone but yourself.

Hitagi Senjogahara seems to believe this even more than I do─and I think that’s fine.

Her love is probably…too heavy a thing to be directed at herself alone.

Splitting it with me seems just right.

If you aren’t prepared to lift something on your own, you won’t even with another person, they say, and her love needs to be shared with that understanding.

But that image makes me wonder.

I love Hitagi Senjogahara.

I can say it brazenly, but for all that I can.

Did my self-love abandon me somewhere along the way? Am I loving myself the way I love her?

Because if I’m not.

I might as well be dead.