I’LL BE AT A DRINKING PARTY UNTIL I GO HOME, SO I SHOULD EAT TO SOBER UP, RIGHT?
Hello, it’s me, Halkara.
Oh, it’s quite late, so I suppose I should say, Good evening, it’s me, Halkara.
Tonight, at Halkara Pharmaceuticals, we had a drinking party!
“Now, does everyone have their drinks?!”
“““Yeeeah!”””
I came to stand at the end of the table to ask my question, and I got a cheerful response.
I had fourteen employees, including both full-time and part-time workers, and today, we had a wonderful attendance rate of 100 percent!
We rented out a nearby tavern, Mellow Revelations, and ordered their all-you-can-eat and all-you-can-drink courses. Since we had the entire place to ourselves, we could be as loud as we wanted. As both the manager of the company and organizer of this party, I thought it was perfect.
“Thanks to all your hard work, Halkara Pharmaceuticals has been running for twenty years! Though it’s been a short two decades, we’ve accomplished so much. And because of that, I am seriously looking into purchasing a bigger home… And that’s enough! I hate long talks, too, so I’ll stop there! Cheers!”
I lifted my cup, and my employees cried “““Cheeeeers!””” in return, raising their glasses or clinking them with people around them.
And I downed my first drink still standing.
“Ahhh! They’re using the Wellbranch Marquessate’s good water! What an exquisite drink!”
The Wellbranch Marquessate (I know it sounds like its own state or something, but it’s really just an elven, autonomous area within the province of Hrant) had rich groundwater and had specialized in brewing alcohol for a very long time. It would be nearly impossible to tell someone who was born and raised there not to drink at all.
Anyway, it was not just the alcohol!
The moment I sat down, I popped a piece of fried chicken from the massive pile on the huge plate into my mouth.
“Mmm, juicy! The chicken is good, too!”
Since this was in elven territory, cutting down trees was restricted by law.
It must be said we do use the lumber itself in all manner of ways, but we only fell trees as part of our maintenance of the forests—we take good care of them.
That said, large-scale development is difficult to carry out because of that, so there is not much livestock that need large fields, like cows and pigs.
Elves have never been much for meat, the biggest reason being those environmental restrictions. But meat does taste good when we do get a chance to eat it.
Though elves are herbivores, we can’t get all the nutrients we need with plants alone. We might be long-lived, but our skin will suffer if we eat food that’s bad for us.
So it’s been our policy for a long time to raise chickens among the trees.
This land has been lush with trees since antiquity, so all sorts of birds live in the area. Wellbranch elves have always eaten those birds.
But most of those birds can fly and escape, so catching them is difficult.
So a wise elf once said (or not) that we must keep chickens.
Whether that myth is actually real is unclear, but to us elves, chicken dishes are a hidden but major cuisine.
There’s a book called Secret Anecdotes of the People that even said, Did you know the elves of the Wellbranch Marquessate love chicken?! I don’t have it with me right now, but that’s what it says.
My employees were saying things like “Mmm, this is so good” and “This restaurant is great!”
Of course it is! I have my faith in this shop, after all. Everyone knows expensive food will be good.
But what was so great about taverns was that one could eat and drink to their heart’s content despite the cheap price!
“Isn’t it so good?! I always think so, too! Even those who don’t drink won’t feel like they’re losing out in a place like this—I have no choice but to hold a drinking party here!”
I joined in on my employees’ conversation.
Counting the part-time workers, there were fewer than twenty of us.
We were a friendly workplace, and I was a friendly president!
“If a tavern can’t be enjoyed by nondrinkers, what kind of a tavern is it? Drinkers like places they can drink, sure, and water is wet. There’s no new worth there! It’s corporate’s job to find it! That is why Halkara Pharmaceuticals must create new value! What I mean to say is—I don’t really have anything to say! I don’t know where I was going with that! The food is so good!”
“Oh, Prez, you’re already drunk.”
“Sometimes it does seem like you’re always drunk, but you are actually drunk this time~”
“Please don’t throw up today, Prez.”
I’d just started drinking, so I was sober, by the way.
They were making fun of me, but amiably so—it was important to stay close to the employees.
“Ha-ha-ha! I’m not going to get drunk today! I am still the president of this company, after all! I can’t make a blunder like that!”
“I’ve had to take you home from two drinking parties in a row already, Miss President.”
“If you throw up today, that’ll be a hat trick.”
“No one’s taking you home today.”
“Ha-ha-ha-ha! I don’t remember anything like that! You’re all mistaken! I’m fiiiine!”
“Oh no, she’s so drunk that she’s forgetting things…”
“I don’t think you should be drinking alcohol, Miss President.”
“We should have the next party at her house so we don’t have to send her home…”
My company was one without walls, so they could have conversations like this where even the president could hear.
It was a wonderful place where we could say anything we like!
“Well, if any of you don’t drink, then please order as much food as you like! This place is so good, even nondrinkers want to frequent it!”
“Okay!”
“I’ll eat till I’m stuffed!”
The food was exquisite even during lunchtime~
Their grilled-leek-and-fried-chicken set (six hundred gold) was particularly wonderful.
Burning your mouth on the sizzling-hot grilled leek, along with a generous drizzle of fermented-bean seasoning elvin on the also sizzling-hot fried chicken—it’s all just part of the fun!
“Now, let’s have our second round! Owner, can you mix the ale with Nutri-Spirits?”
I brought out some Nutri-Spirits, Halkara Pharmaceuticals’s hit product. I could pull this little trick because I rented out the whole place.
Nutri-Spirits as a mixer is wonderful, too! I mean it! People who have never tried it before are missing out! It’s nice with a bit of ice so it gets all chilly! Don’t worry if it makes your stomach feel cold.
The owner grabbed the Nutri-Spirits and brought out the ale-Nutri-Spirits mixer. The ale was called the Breath of Ah Un. It apparently came from an ancient civilization with two gods called Ah and Un.
“Thank you for always choosing us, Miss President.” The young elf-owner, wearing an apron, came straight to greet me. Most of the working elves looked young.
“Oh, this was an obvious choice. I come because your food is delicious, that’s all.”
“Ah, you’re so good at your compliments. What should I say?!”
“I do best with positive reinforcement, so I am very conscious of what compliments I pay~ My family is full of its own problems, so I’ve lived looking for the bright side to things~”
My mother never scolded my brother, my sister, or me.
I personally thought she could stand to be a little harsher on my brother…
My mother has always been a little scatterbrained anyway. About twice a year, she mixes up sugar and salt and puts it in her tea… I’m not making that up. By the way, we would always drink it together, so we’d all get sick at once.
Stories about throwing up never bring anything good, so I won’t say any more.
The point is, it’s thanks to my mother that I grew up so well.
Right now, there were no people in the area who did not know of Halkara Pharmaceuticals. I planned on building an even bigger house with the profits from Nutri-Spirits and our other products. I already felt like I was giving back much to my family, but this was to make doubly sure.
I was a bit of a celebrity in the marquessate. At least, the restaurant owner here knew who I was. I came here up to three times a week, after all.
“I mean it; when I see you, Miss President, I feel like I can work extra hard.”
“Oh? Do you mean to say I’m a connoisseur?”
“You have such a sexy body, Miss President~ I can’t help but get excited when I look at your chest~”
“That is sexual harassment!”
My other female employees often said that to me; still, a girl saying it to another girl was most certainly harassment…
“Miss President, since you’re going with the all-you-can-eat course, feel free to order things you don’t usually get. We will work hard to make something delicious.”
The owner was generous—a necessary quality for a trader.
“I do plan on ordering a wide variety, yes~”
I made a show of looking down at the menu, then clapped it shut.
“Then I hope you don’t mind me asking for some secret-menu items,” I said, putting on a cool front.
I didn’t actually know if there were any secret items, though. First-time visitors might embarrass themselves saying that, but we were on good terms here.
“Even if you don’t have a secret menu, I’m all right with the regular menu. But, well, perhaps I’ll have your specialty, or something like it. I just wanted to order something from a ‘secret menu’ at least once at a restaurant.”
A Nutri-Spirits mixer was already a secret-menu item—well, more like my own original menu item, though.
“The secret menu? I can’t say we don’t have one.”
There was a bewitching glint in the owner’s eyes.
What?! There is?! It was worth asking!
I expected no less from Mellow Revelations. Their flexibility was what made it so appealing.
“This is a little dangerous, so we don’t often serve it.”
“Dangerous? In the spicy sense?” I couldn’t handle spicy foods very well.
“No, not that.”
“Then no need to worry! I will take responsibility for whatever happens, so bring it out!”
The alcohol was making me bold.
“All right! Just sit tight!” And the owner enthusiastically returned to the kitchen. Ten minutes later, she came back with a plate. “Here we go, our secret dish: elvin-dipped cockatrice!”
I was presented with rare slices of meat.
The outside was cooked, but the inside was still pink, while the dark elvin coated the bottom of the plate.
On the edge of the plate was a ground-up mound of wasabee. The combination of elvin and wasabee was a good one for elves, but—
“This is…”
“It’s cockatrice. A valuable bird with the power of petrification. An incredibly dangerous thing to come across in the mountains unprepared.”
Yes, I knew that much. Cockatrices were birds with snakelike tails, and they had a venom that could petrify its prey with a bite.
They couldn’t eat their prey once it was stone, so they often starved to death, which made their numbers few and valuable. It was still a mystery how such a stupid creature came to be… It must be an evolutionary mistake…
But enough about the cockatrice—
“This is practically…raw, isn’t it?”
We elves did not have the custom of eating meat that wasn’t fully cooked. Some of us would eat raw egg because they believed it worked well against a cold, though.
“Yes, intentionally so. Cockatrice is the most delicious when it’s served rare! Grilled cockatrice is good, too, but to be honest, once it’s fully cooked, it doesn’t taste much different from regular grilled chicken.” The owner grinned.
“Are you allowed to offer rare meat in Hrant…?”
I ran a company that sold drinks, so I was somewhat knowledgeable when it came to food regulations.
“That’s why it’s on our secret menu.” The owner smiled again.
I wondered if the owner had a long history of mischief.
“We don’t get shipments of cockatrice in every day, though. We just happened to receive some recently, so we’re serving it.”
Is that so?
That meant this was an illegal dish!
All of a sudden, I felt so shady!
“You’ve ordered the all-you-can-eat course today. If you’re already full, of course, don’t force yourself to eat it all. Eat as much or as little as you like. You asked for a secret dish, so we simply brought out something we thought you might enjoy.”
I see! It was illegal to sell raw meat in a restaurant, but if you caught a cockatrice and decided to eat it raw yourself, the responsibility only fell on you!
“This cockatrice is free, of course. You’ve already paid for the all-you-can-eat course, so there’s no need for any extra fees.”
The owner was such an interesting person.
“Very well. Then I will have a bit.”
I stabbed my wooden fork into the rare cockatrice meat…
…dipped it in the elvin…
…and put it in my mouth.
Oh! The cockatrice’s natural sweetness spread throughout my mouth with every bite! And the salty elvin brought out that sweetness and umami even more!
“It seems you’ve discovered the true flavor of cockatrice, Miss President.”
The owner smiled like a sage.
Ah, it felt like I’d opened the door to truth, too.
“Ever since we founded this restaurant, I’ve been determined to eat all sorts of birds and prepare cockatrice in a variety of ways. But it was only three years ago that I discovered that this primitive way of eating cockatrice was best. Every bird is best enjoyed in a different way… I am still developing these tastes.”
You’re very long-winded, owner. And quite annoying, to be honest.
I ate another slice, and another, putting them in my mouth one after the other. In between, I took sips of alcohol.
Oh yes, it went perfectly with the drink.
The taste of crime was truly exquisite. I suppose it would be nice to try something so tantalizing every once in a while.
*At Halkara Pharmaceuticals, we properly file and pay all our taxes, and we are not involved in any collusion.
“What, is that raw?”
“Whoa, cockatrice!”
“Isn’t this supposed to be good raw?”
Oh, everyone else seemed fascinated by it.
“It’s delicious! It’s a special dish, only for today!”
Everyone had a taste of the rare-cooked poultry.
“It’s so good!”
“I didn’t know you could eat it like this!”
A delicious side dish with a delicious drink—that’s the life!
The meal lasted for several hours, and the tavern was filled with laughter the whole time.
“Did you all have fun? I’m afraid we’ll have to wrap it up soon here!”
At the end, I came to stand in front of everyone and spoke.
“Omigosh! You’re not drunk, Prez!”
“It’s a miracle!”
“I never thought I’d see the day!”
Please respect your company president at least a little bit.
Anyway, our drinking party was a great success! I didn’t black out and throw up!
I didn’t make a single blunder!
Three days after the party…
“Uuugh… I feel so heavy, like I’m carrying bronze swords all over my body…”
Feeling feverish, I came home a little after lunch.
My mother measured the temperature on my forehead. She typically had a high body temperature, so she was a good benchmark.
“Hmm, you are warm~ You’re right in thinking you have a fever.”
“I knew it… But it’s the wrong time of year for a cold. And our family should be fine, too…”
“Sometimes your body just can’t handle it anymore. Stay in bed today and rest.”
“Okaaay.”
It was times like these that staying with my family was a relief. I was thankful there was someone here to look after me.
I went to my room, immediately changed into my pajamas, and crawled into bed. “I suppose this means I need to get proper rest sometimes. Yes, I’ll think of it that way.”
Sleeping must have helped, because my fever went down in the evening.
I had my mother check the temperature on my forehead again.
“It’s lower than mine. You don’t seem to have a fever anymore.”
“It went away in less than half a day. Our family sure fights off sickness well.”
It was almost unusual that it would be gone so quickly.
“But keep resting, just in case. Why don’t you take tomorrow off, too?”
“Oh, this is nothing, though. I’m totally fi— Urp!”
“What? What’s wrong~?”
I could hear my instincts screaming at me to go to the bathroom.
“I need the toilet!”
But cruelly, the plate on the bathroom door said OCCUPIED.
Someone was in there!
“Please come out as soon as possible! Let me in!”
“Oh, Halkara. Can you wait a sec?”
My brother was inside.
“I’ll give you a hundred gold, so please come out right now! Please, I beg you!”
“Fine… Can’t afford to take any chances, so I’ll make the best of it!”
Not funny—you need to take this seriously! He let me in, and I dashed into the bathroom.
—
I emptied the entire contents of my gut. And I mean everything.
I had a fever earlier, so I suppose I had a cold. To think it would be such an easy tell… I needed to drink some water before I got dehydrated…
My mother had a glass of water ready for me the moment I entered the kitchen. A mother’s love was necessary at a time like this.
“Oh dear, Halkara, it doesn’t seem like you’re all better yet. Be sure to hydrate and rest well.”
“Yes… My body is telling me not to push myself…” I stumbled back to my bed.
Ten minutes later…
“Waaaaaaah! Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom!”
It was really sudden! It was like a rock suddenly falling from above!
And yet again, the plate on the bathroom door said OCCUPIED!
I knocked furiously on the door like a demon! Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock!
“Come out! Actually, you don’t have to, but please just let me in!”
“You’re scaring me, Sis!”
Now my sister was in there!
“Hmm, wait just three minutes~”
“I can’t wait that long! It’ll be a catastrophe out here! Do you want to know how much I can ruin the house in another sixty seconds?!”
“What…? You’re making such a big deal about this… Hold on, hold on…”
“It’s not my spirit that will decide if I can wait! It’s my body!”
The body regulates the spirit—oh yes, I’ve learned about this theory in school!
Grrrrrrumble, grrrrrrumble…
That wasn’t thunder. That was my stomach.
Grrrrrrumble, grrrrrrumble…
Was my stomach creating its own universe in there…?
“Sis, was that thunder? I don’t like thunder…”
“Honestly, it’s worse than that! Come out this instant! Unlock it, at least! Let’s share! Let’s share the toilet!”
“No, why would I do that?! You’ve finally snapped!”
“My body is indeed about to snap! Rather, it is snapping! Too fast to stop!”
“I’m getting scared, but I can’t leave! Just hold on…”
Hold on?
I never thought the day would come that I would so viscerally feel the meaning of a poem about waiting for a lover to return from battle… One second felt like an entire year!
If someone out there is going to yell at me for defiling true love, this is what I would say back:
You know what, I am in a much more dangerous situation than someone waiting for someone else to return from battle! This is a battlefield! A battle on the inside!
The door opened, and the second my sister exited, I leaped inside!
………
“…I’m so tired.”
My face had gone gaunt. I doubted soldiers on the front line, who would never receive their rations after the supply routes were cut off, would ever look as haggard as me. And walking itself was turning out to be a task…
I decided to grab some water in the kitchen again.
“Are you all right, Halkara? Your symptoms are quite serious, aren’t they?” My mother worriedly offered me a cup of water.
“No, I’m okay… Everyone has had tummy problems befo— I’m going to the bathroom!” I ran down the hall.
Come to me, toilet!
This time, my father was about to enter the bathroom.
Why do they keep using it at the same time as me?! Is it because we’re family?!
“Stop right there!” I yelled.
My father froze in place.
I took my chance to slip into the bathroom.
“Hey, Halkara, it’s not fair to jump ahead of someone else. Aren’t you past your rebellious phase? I know you make more money than I do, but you should respect your parents a little more… Now, if you told me you would give me a million gold if I stood down, I would obey.”
“Dad, your daughter is unwell… Please be a little more considerate of her needs…”
………
Even my easygoing self finally realized something.
Something was off.
I wasn’t just a bit under the weather. This wasn’t just some random coldlike illness.
What was going on…?
Maybe I should go to the doctor, just in case. Most places were closed because it was nighttime, but I had a feeling I should visit an emergency outpatient clinic…
I realized immediately that would be pointless, though.
“My stomach would never last the time it takes to reach the hospital…”
A second wave would most certainly come along the way. No, the second and third wave had already come and gone, I suppose. I was losing count.
Considering I was so unwell I couldn’t walk fast, I decided I couldn’t head out; I was not confident enough that I could be safe for thirty minutes. I could barely sit still for five or ten minutes, so I couldn’t do anything at the moment.
I staggered down the hall to the kitchen.
“Halkara, you shouldn’t go to work tomorrow.”
“Okay… I don’t think I’d be able to get to work, so I can’t even physically go…”
“Should we call a doctor right now?”
I suppose having one come over was our last resort. I didn’t want to do that, but I didn’t think I had any other choice…
“Yes, please… Sorry for the trouble…”
Afterward, my brother and sister went out looking for a doctor, while my father left to buy some easily digestible and healthy foods.
I lay in bed with my mother looking after me.
“Here, have some water.”
“Thank you…”
I had a glass of water at regular intervals. That was about all I could do to protect myself.
My family was indispensable…
They mercilessly sponged money from me for eating out, but they were reliable when it came to times like this…
“You’ve been going to the bathroom less frequently now. Though it’s still about once every fifteen minutes.”
“It is so much better for me mentally to think of the fifteen minutes of peace I have… Positive thinking, positive thinking…”
“You’re recovering. Hang in there.”
“Yes… At this rate, I may be able to set a new record for the number of times someone’s gone to the bathroom in one day…”
An hour and a half later, my brother brought home a doctor.
I told him about my symptoms. I mean, it wasn’t like I had very many symptoms to begin with, so it was a very short talk.
“—Which leads me to believe you just have a cold, but…”
The doctor wore a puzzled expression.
Oh no, please don’t tell me I have a life-threatening disease…! Please just answer casually, Oh yes, you just have a cold!
“Ah, Miss Halkara… Have you, by any chance, eaten any raw meat in the past couple of days?”
That was a very specific question.
“Ha-ha-ha, why would I ever get the chance to—? Oh gosh, I ate so much!”
Just a few days ago, I ate rare cockatrice meat at Mellow Revelations…
Was that it…? That would be it, wouldn’t it…?
I suppose there was a reason why it was on the secret menu…
How brutal… What a price to pay for flavor… But if the most delicious meat in the world was going to give me diarrhea like this, then no thank you!
“It seems you have. When you get food poisoning from poultry especially, it causes the stomach to react like this. But it will get better in a few days, so you’ll be fine if you drink plenty of water and rest. It won’t infect anyone else, so there’s no need to worry.”
“All right, I understa— I need the bathroom.”
The worst part about this food poisoning was that the moment I knew I needed to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t delay going any further…
Normally, the body exhibits a response when it’s about time to go. This sickness offered me no preliminary announcement…
I could hear the doctor laughing behind me, saying, “Take care~”
The bathroom was practically my room now, and as I sat there, I suddenly realized something.
“Other people beside me ate that secret dish…”
As I thought back, I believed I saw everyone at least take a bite.
“If everyone gets ill and ends up down for the count, then work at the factory would come to a halt… Wouldn’t that cause huge losses…?”
My stomach started hurting for reasons other than food poisoning…
Afterward, I stopped the doctor as he was on his way out.
“Excuse me! I have a question about my employees!”
The doctor was rather shocked when I ran at him with terror on my face.
As it turns out, it was totally fine.
When I arrived at the company for the first time in three days, everyone was working normally. Although I did know they’d been doing their work properly because I had my mother come in and check the day after my food poisoning symptoms flared up.
“Oh, Prez! Morning!”
“Good morning!”
Judging from the loud, hearty calls, I could tell they hadn’t been cooped up in bed.
“Good morning. Has anyone fallen ill in these past few days?”
“Nope.”
“Not that I’ve heard, no.”
“…Then don’t worry about it. It’s nothing!”
I asked the doctor, and he said there was a clear divide between people who were okay with eating rare meat and people who weren’t, even if they ate the same things. It seemed I was the only one who took a hit.
In a way, I was the chosen one.
“Oh, that’s right; while you were out, we got an offer from someone in the west who wants to make an order. It’s a tool-shop chain with a lot of branches out there.”
Ooh! So much luck had come my way for all that I’d suffered! The rainbow after the storm!
“Very well! I will check in on the details and get to work!”
“Oh yeah, Miss President, you look really healthy for recovering from a cold,” one of my employees said with a puzzled expression.
“Oh~ That’s because I’ve been able to do a lot of detoxing these past few days.”
There wasn’t a single scrap of waste left in my body!
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