“Good day to you. This is Laika of Double Dragon speaking.”
“And I am the great Flatorte! Watch carefully as I freeze every one of you solid with my cold breath!”
“This is a comedy venue! The last thing we want is for our audience to think our act is frigid!”
“Now then, Laika. To tell the truth, I, the great Flatorte, have an enormous problem on my hands.”
“What would that be? I’d be more than happy to provide you with advice.”
“I’ve forgotten all my lines for this sketch!”
“You made it sound like this was your problem, but that’s just as big of an issue for me!”
“And that’s why I won’t be setting up any gags tonight. You’ll have to take care of those on your own.”
“I most certainly will not! How am I supposed to perform a pair comedy sketch single-handedly?!”
“No need to worry. I, the great Flatorte, will be standing off to the side with my arms crossed, watching over you all the while.”
“Why are you acting like you’re judging me?! You’re the one who forgot her lines! You can’t just silently loom over the rest of the performance!”
“Oh, you’ll be fine. Just waste a few minutes telling them how good the beef skewers we had earlier were, or something.”
“This is a comedy sketch, not a food review! What sort of punchline am I supposed to pull out of beef skewers?!”
“In that case, I, the great Flatorte, will stall for time by reciting the five best phrases to say if you want to annoy someone. Think up something else to talk about in the meantime.”
“That’s an aggressively unhelpful subject for a mini-lecture!”
“Number five: ‘It’s not that you’re a bad person, but…’”
“Yes, that makes it abundantly clear you think they are not, in fact, a very good person, after all!”
“Number four: ‘Looks like the era of something-or-other’s over.’”
“That does typically say more about the speaker than the era—they just want it to be over, more often than not. So then? What’s number three?”
“…I forgot.”
“Really?! Really?! We went off on this tangent to buy time after you forgot the script, and now you’re forgetting your way off topic again?!”
“All right, then—I, the great Flatorte, will list the top three presents I’d like to receive.”
“Oh, so you’re changing the ranking halfway through the list? I suppose I should be happy you’re finishing any list at all.”
“I’ll list them off from three to one: land, money, and power.”
“All that tells me is you’re an incredibly unpleasant person to be around! Also, a top-three list is already short enough without you rushing through it! Do I need to remind you that you forgot our actual script? This might be the single least appropriate time to abridge a speech you’ve ever encountered in your whole life!”
“Oh! I remembered the sixth most annoying phrase!”
“What about the third item on the list?! The sixth most annoying phrase would be something that wasn’t good enough to make the cut! If you’ve already heard items five and four, there’s no need whatsoever to bother with six! I’m sure item six must be embarrassed at the thought of being presented, too!”
“Oh! I remembered more! Actually, I remembered everything!”
“Well, thank goodness for that. In that case, shall we change course and get back to our actual material?”
“I remembered that I never bothered reading the script in the first place!”
“Your irresponsibility knows no bounds. Thank you very much, everyone!”
“Huh? What’re you thanking them for? I’m not thanking anyone!”
“It means our performance is over! Why would you drag this out even longer if you don’t even know our material?!”
“Because I don’t think I have anyone to thank for anything! I’m not grateful toward anyone! I’m a self-made dragon!”
“Stop making yourself look even more unpleasant! And stop crossing your arms and posing like that, already! You are insufferable!”
“The sixth most irritating phrase you can say to someone is, ‘Do you know why I’m mad at you?’”
“Do you know why I’m mad at you?! It’s because you’ve failed to take this performance even the slightest bit seriously!”
“Yeah, I’m not into this anymore. I’m going home.”
“My thoughts exactly! Thank you for watching, everyone!”
With that, Laika and Flatorte left the stage—although Flatorte kept shouting about how she was not, in fact, grateful to the audience at all, until she was gone.
Honestly, that was way better than I expected it to be!
I had no idea which of them had been the driving force behind planning their sketch, but it had certainly had an unpredictability that worked in its favor. In fact, it seemed pretty high-level on the whole, at least from my perspective. I wasn’t alone in that, as it turned out—one of the judges commented their performance had given an impression of being “stable and consistent from start to finish.”
The only question, then, was what basis the judges would be assessing all the performances on. Some people enjoyed surreal, shock-value sketches, while others loathed them, and the score for a performance like that could easily swing in either direction depending on what side of that line the judges fell on. I had a feeling the dragon duo’s performance—which had gotten a ton of laughs while being just a little unconventional—had hit the perfect balance for this sort of event, but it really would all come down to a matter of the judges’ personal preferences.
I sure am curious how they’re going to rate everyone…but really, it doesn’t matter in the end.
Flatorte and Laika looked as satisfied as could be with their performance. In fact, the smile on Flatorte’s face told me in her mind, she might as well have won already. They, at least, were clearly under the impression their sketch had gone over well.
I’ll have to ask which of them came up with the idea for that bit after this is all over.
At long last, the moment arrived for the judges to announce the winners. Pecora took to the stage, acting as the judges’ representative—or, really, acting as the demon king, which gave her more authority than anyone else present.
“Okay, everyone! The margin between the top three acts was very slim, so I’ll be announcing all of them at once, one after the other!”
All right, it’s time! How’s it going to turn out?
The lights in the venue dimmed, and a drumroll-like noise began to play. I clasped my hands before my chest as I anxiously awaited the results.
“In third place: Slimes! In second place: Honey & Sugar! And, in first place: Double Dragon!”
The spotlights came to rest on Laika and Flatorte. Laika spent a moment just standing there in dumbfounded silence, but then Flatorte grabbed her hand and raised it into the air.
“We did it! Come on, let’s go!” said Flatorte.
“R-right!” Laika stammered.
The venue’s lights came on once more, and the other contestants offered a mixture of applause and mildly disappointed glances as Laika and Flatorte took to the front of the stage, where Pecora hung medals around their necks.
“Congratulations!” said Pecora. “You both did wonderfully!”
“This is an honor, truly! It feels like all our hard work has been rewarded!”
“It always feels great to come out on top in a contest of might, no matter what field it’s in!”
Yep! They really do deserve this, I thought as I looked over at Falfa and Shalsha…and found Shalsha was in tears, while Falfa was patting her on the back to comfort her. Yeah, I understand. It’s frustrating to lose, right? I was part of the process, so trust me, I’m frustrated, too.
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