This story takes place after “Halkara’s Suspected Graduation” from Volume 2.
SCENE 1
Halkara is getting ready to open her new factory in Nascúte.
HALKARA
Phew. I’ve made so much progress on the Halkara Pharmaceuticals factory!
Now it’s time for a lunch break. I suppose I’ll have a bottle of my own company’s energy drink, Nutri-Spirits!
…Or perhaps now is the time for real spirits?
Though I feel a little pathetic having booze so early in the day… This calls for careful consideration… I’m going to have a good hard think… Hmmmm. Hmmmmmm.
Time passes.
HALKARA
Yes! I’ve made my decision! I should have real spirits as a treat!
BEELZEBUB
What are you doing?
HALKARA
Gaaaaaaaah! M-M-M-M-Miss B-B-B-B-B-Beelzebub!
BEELZEBUB
What an overreaction… You’ve added too many Bs to my name. And you made up your mind only seconds after saying you would consider the matter carefully.
HALKARA
What can I say? Adults are weak to alcohol!
BEELZEBUB
Speak for yourself. And what are you doing out here? This town is a bit far from the village near where you all live.
HALKARA
You say that, but the demon lands are even farther… And as it happens, I’m opening up a factory in Nascúte.
BEELZEBUB
Oh! At long last, Nutri-Spirits will be mass-produced! Praise be! I must buy as much as I can! No, perhaps I should purchase the entire factory with the ministry’s budget!
HALKARA
Please do not buy my factory when I’m still in the process of building it!
BEELZEBUB
I was joking about buying the whole thing. Still, many felicitations to you.
HALKARA
Oh, that’s right. Speaking of felicitations…
BEELZEBUB
Hmm? What happened?
HALKARA
Madam Teacher and the rest of the family held a celebration for me the other day. They’d misunderstood and thought I was leaving the house in the highlands, so they held a farewell party for me.
BEELZEBUB
…Azusa does seem the sort to jump the gun.
HALKARA
And I thought perhaps we could celebrate Madam Teacher in return!
BEELZEBUB
Mmm, an admirable mindset. She would be delighted.
HALKARA
You must know of unique demon dishes, like how you made curreh for us last time. Would you…happen to know of anything suitable for a celebration?
BEELZEBUB
Let’s see. Rather than a regular party, I believe Azusa would have more fun if we served her a dish she is unfamiliar with. Hmm, hmm.
Time passes.
BEELZEBUB
I’ve got it. I know of a dish just as unique to demon culture as curreh!
HALKARA
Please, tell me!
BEELZEBUB
The name of this dish comes from the word lament.
HALKARA
That sounds inauspicious…
BEELZEBUB
’Tis a noodle dish called ra-ment. We call it so because ’tis so scrumptious, one cannot help but cry.
HALKARA
Ra-ment? The name alone sounds delicious!
BEELZEBUB
But we need several different ingredients to make good ra-ment broth. At the very least, we will require chicken bones, pork bones, and dried sardines.
HALKARA
That’s fine. I’m certain Miss Laika, Falfa, and Shalsha will help!
BEELZEBUB – NARRATION
And so Halkara and I ventured to the house in the highlands and met with Laika the dragon and the two girls who are essentially my daughters, Falfa and Shalsha. Then we held a meeting on how we would procure the necessary ingredients.
SCENE 2
House in the highlands – dining room.
BEELZEBUB
And so we will need chicken bones, pork bones, and dried sardines. The quality of these ingredients will determine the quality of the ra-ment. Would you happen to know of any good places where we can find them? Danger is no obstacle—I shall accompany you, so please do not be shy.
HALKARA
I know of a forest said to be home to an elusive bird whose bones make great stock.
BEELZEBUB
Ah yes. You know your forests, as an elf should. Then I shall accompany you.
Azusa suddenly enters from behind Beelzebub.
AZUSA
Beelzebub? What are you talking about with everyone else?
BEELZEBUB
I-it has nothing to do with you! I am preparing documents for a very important demon meeting!
AZUSA
…Are you sure you can show those to Laika and Halkara? You’re not breaking any rules as minister? Isn’t that a breach of confidentiality?
BEELZEBUB
’Tis not that sort of document. I can show others without repercussions.
AZUSA
So it’s not a problem if you show me, then. C’mon, let’s see them!
BEELZEBUB
You are the one person who cannot see! I am very, very, very serious!
AZUSA
This just makes me more suspicious… You’re not thinking of a foolproof way to defeat me or anything, are you?
LAIKA
It is nothing like that, Lady Azusa! It is perfectly safe and reasonable! I swear on my red-dragon horns!
AZUSA
Well, if you say so…
FALFA
Don’t worry about it, Mommy. Worrying is like going through the bad thing before it happens!
SHALSHA
Indeed. To be precise, it is a trivial matter. Like the hair on a worm.
AZUSA
If I worry, I suffer twice? I’m not sure if that phrase fits the situation, Falfa… And do worms even have hair…?
FALFA
It’s really nice outside, Mommy! You should go chase grasshoppers! I bet there are lots of ladybugs, too! You should take a walk!
AZUSA
I’m not that interested in bugs. In fact, I’d rather not see any.
SHALSHA
Walking helps one organize one’s thoughts, and it becomes easier to reach the truth. A certain philosopher arrived at the main thesis of his work while on a walk. You should try it, Mom. It will bring you good health and brighten all our lives.
AZUSA
You’re pushing for a walk so hard that I’m starting to think you’re a shill for the walking industry…
LAIKA
Lady Azusa, do get some fresh air! I will finish the cleaning, so you have no need to worry.
AZUSA
What’s up with all of you…? Oh well, I guess there’s no harm in it. I’ll go for a walk.
Azusa leaves.
BEELZEBUB
…Phew. We were not found out. Now, the pork bone. Are there any places known for their pigs?
FALFA
Oh! Falfa and Shalsha know!
SHALSHA
There is a forest said to be home to delectable pigs.
BEELZEBUB
Aw, you’re both so smart. Such good children! So cute! So adorable! Very well, you shall both come with me!
Azusa enters again.
AZUSA
Beelzebub, are you going somewhere with my kids? Don’t take them anywhere too dangerous.
BEELZEBUB
Bah! I know! In fact, I will treat them with more respect than you do! I shall spoil them rotten!
AZUSA
I don’t like the sound of that, either.
FALFA
Mommy, Falfa is going to be good.
SHALSHA
Shalsha will listen to what Miss Beelzebub says. Shalsha will be disciplined.
BEELZEBUB
Ahhh, they’re so cute! I wish I could adopt them! I want to leave all my assets to them!
AZUSA
No. Absolutely not. You cannot adopt children without their parents’ consent.
BEELZEBUB
I jest, of course. Now go for your walk. Relax at a fancy café or something. I cannot put my documents together like this.
AZUSA
I don’t think there are any fancy cafés like that around here.
BEELZEBUB
I don’t care! Get out! If you don’t like it, I shall apologize to you properly later. But for now, leave!
AZUSA
Fine, fine. I was just preparing some medicine to bring to the village on my walk. I’ll be out of here soon.
Azusa leaves again.
LAIKA
That was close.
BEELZEBUB
But she’s yet to find us out, so we are safe. Lastly, we need dried sardines—a product of the sea. Would any of you happen to have knowledge of the ocean?
LAIKA
I’ll do it! I will quickly become an expert on dried sardines, then find a location that provides the absolute best! I shall obtain dried sardines that will leave Lady Azusa speechless!
BEELZEBUB
You are much too enthusiastic for this…
LAIKA
It is part of my training! A chance to grow! And…I want Lady Azusa to eat the best ra-ment in the entire world… Nothing would make me happier than to see her beaming with delight…
BEELZEBUB
Well, so long as you’re motivated, I suppose. Now then, Halkara will get the bird, Falfa and Shalsha will fetch the pig, and Laika will find the sardines. I shall accompany all of you, so never fear.
Azusa enters again.
AZUSA
Are you planning on going somewhere? Then you should include me, too!
BEELZEBUB
No! Please, stop talking to us, or it will all be for nothing! Go on your walk! Or are you engaging in walking fraud?!
AZUSA
Beelzebub, your vibes are way off today. You’re like one of those demons who humans used to fear.
BEELZEBUB
I doubt the demons of old merely had “bad vibes” like some off-putting coworker! And anyway, in the long term, you will benefit from what we are doing, so worry not.
LAIKA
Miss Beelzebub, you are getting very close to disclosing the information. Be careful.
FALFA
Mommy, it is well-known that if someone takes a walk on this day, they will be especially lucky. That goes double if you are a witch! They say you’ll be happy for the rest of your life!
AZUSA
It sounds like not a lot of people can benefit…
SHALSHA
When you achieve a satisfying sense of exertion from your walk, your health will improve, as will your sleep quality. Walks solve all problems. Walks can bring peace to the universe.
AZUSA
Are you sure you’re not starting a new religion…? I feel like things are only getting more complicated here, so I’m definitely, definitely off on my walk now!
BEELZEBUB
That sounded like a bluff, so I do not know if I should trust her.
BEELZEBUB – NARRATION
First, Halkara and I ventured out in search of a chicken.
SCENE 3
Beelzebub and Halkara go to the forest and look for a chicken.
HALKARA
We’re here! This is the forest! Ooh, I’m going to hurl…
BEELZEBUB
We’ve only just arrived. Are you out of energy already…?
HALKARA
I drank too much yesterday. It was so strange. I meant to have only one glass, but I ended up having seven.
BEELZEBUB
What is strange is your lack of self-restraint.
HALKARA
We will be searching for a bird called the kobe chicken.
BEELZEBUB
…For some reason, I am picturing a cow instead of a chicken.
HALKARA
Incidentally, this forest is called the Might-Have-Been-Lost Woods, and people fear it.
BEELZEBUB
But that name implies no one was actually lost.
HALKARA
According to legend, if you close your eyes and spin around while saying “belfant renre tontola cydrovish” five times without getting tongue-tied, then you’ll be cursed.
BEELZEBUB
Enacting the curse sounds much too difficult! No one will be cursed so!
HALKARA
But it is true that people call it the Might-Have-Been-Lost Woods. There was once an elf marathon held here, and thirty percent of the participants got lost and ultimately dropped out.
BEELZEBUB
All those who oversaw the marathon should be fired. And what is so special about this kobe chicken?
HALKARA
The kobe chicken caws in a very unique way. Please tell me if you hear an unusual cry.
BEELZEBUB
All right. I will be very attentive. Shall we?
Rustling grass.
BEELZEBUB
Oh!
HALKARA
What is it?
BEELZEBUB
I heard a rather gross-sounding cry. It went, “doofoofoo, doofoofoo.” Could that be our chicken?
HALKARA
Oh, that’s the groce bird. It’s a different species.
BEELZEBUB
It was, indeed, a gross cry, but what an awful name…
HALKARA
It’s a favorite of grocers.
BEELZEBUB
Oh, is that where the name comes from?!
Rustling grass.
BEELZEBUB
Oh! I hear another strange cry!
HALKARA
What did it sound like?
BEELZEBUB
It went, “Hyaha! Hyaha!” Could that be it?
HALKARA
Oh, that’s the third-rate unimportant bird.
BEELZEBUB
Was the one who was naming these creatures in a bad mood?!
HALKARA
Its flavor is third-rate and therefore not suitable for cooking.
BEELZEBUB
This forest is full of strange birds… Hmm?! That was the most unique sound I’ve heard thus far!
HALKARA
What did it sound like?
BEELZEBUB
As though it were calling, “Big bro! Big bro!”
HALKARA
Oh, that’s the little sister bird.
BEELZEBUB
Why not make it the little brother bird?! Why must it be a sister?!
HALKARA
It gained its name because men who want little sisters are willing to pay a high price for them.
BEELZEBUB
It sounds like those men have crossed a line!
HALKARA
I hear they have the birds wake them up by calling, “Big bro!” each morning.
BEELZEBUB
I do not wish to hear its uses! I want nothing to do with any of it!
The sound of a cow?
BEELZEBUB
There are cows in these woods?
HALKARA
That’s it! That is the cry of the kobe chicken!
BEELZEBUB
You should have told me it sounded like a cow to begin with!
HALKARA
I heard it! The Yonezawa Omi chicken is just ahead!
BEELZEBUB
That’s a totally different name! You were calling it the kobe chicken mere moments earlier! What is the Yonezawa Omi chicken?! ’Tis an entirely different thing!
HALKARA
It’s fine. They’re both very high-quality birds. We’ll just say it’s a brand-name chicken, and no one will be able to tell the difference.
BEELZEBUB
No need to get excited… Oh, but the mooing is growing louder. We must be close!
The Yonezawa Omi chicken cries.
HALKARA
On the count of three, we leap at the chicken!
BEELZEBUB
I don’t think that will be necessary. It’s coming straight for you.
HALKARA
What? Ahhh! Something’s coming! It’s pecking me! It’s pecking me! Oh yes! I caught it! It’s mine!
BEELZEBUB
Actually, ’tis still pecking at you…but you did successfully capture it. Well done!
HALKARA
Ow! Ouch! Its beak is sharp!
BEELZEBUB
What a relentless attack…
HALKARA
Oh…… Oh no……
BEELZEBUB
What? What happened?!
HALKARA
Miss Beelzebub? I have some bad news.
BEELZEBUB
What? Out with it…
HALKARA
This is a different type of brand-name chicken, called the Saga chicken.
BEELZEBUB
I do not care anymore!
BEELZEBUB - NARRATION
Next, Falfa, Shalsha, and I went to find a pig. Good pork bone is crucial in ra-ment… And even if we do not find it, nothing makes me happier than the thought of traveling with the girls.
SCENE 4
Beelzebub, Falfa, and Shalsha venture into the woods in search of a pig.
FALFA
Yes! This has to be the place. We’re here, we’re here!
SHALSHA
A land of deep mountain valleys. The perfect place for a sage to seclude herself.
BEELZEBUB
This place is indeed remote. Do not stray. Hold on to my hands.
FALFA
Okay, Miss Beelzebub.
SHALSHA
Thank you, Miss Beelzebub.
BEELZEBUB
Doofoofoo… You may call me Mother, if you like. I do not mind a bit. I shall buy you anything you like. Doofoofoo…
SHALSHA
Miss Beelzebub, you’re laughing like the groce bird.
BEELZEBUB
That bird is more well-known than I thought…
FALFA
There’s a legend about this forest. It says there are tanuki that can use magic and turn into people!
SHALSHA
There are folk tales of tanuki and foxes tricking people all across the land. They are especially prominent in this area.
BEELZEBUB
Well, no great demon such as myself could ever be duped by such creatures. But do be careful, you two.
FALFA
Oh wow! Cool!
SHALSHA
This is astounding.
BEELZEBUB
What did you find?
SHALSHA
Shalsha did not know there were houses made of candy and cookies in the forest.
BEELZEBUB
This is most certainly a tanuki’s trick!
FALFA
Wow! Let’s go, let’s go! Falfa’s going to eat all the cookies she wants! There are macarons, too! And chocolate!
SHALSHA
Sometimes, one must go…even knowing they are being duped.
BEELZEBUB
No! Stay put, you two. That’s dangerous!
FALFA
Huh? Wait, look at the candy…
SHALSHA
…It’s all made of fallen leaves and earth; it only looks like cookies and pastries from far away…
BEELZEBUB
What an odd way to dupe people! Don’t tanuki use magic to disguise things?! This is just a testament to hard work!
FALFA
What’s it like inside? Let’s go! Falfa’s so excited!
SHALSHA
An ancient scholar once said that there is no drug more dangerous than curiosity.
BEELZEBUB
If you can recall such advice, then do not go inside!
The door opens.
BEELZEBUB
Mmm, ’tis empty, though it is more like a regular house than I expected.
FALFA
Oh, there’s a notice on the wall.
SHALSHA
It says Five reasons why tanuki are better than foxes.
BEELZEBUB
Why are the tanuki self-advertising?! Do they have no intention of tricking us?
FALFA
Hmm. This must be a tanuki exhibition space. Shalsha would like this kind of thing, I think.
SHALSHA
It is terribly fascinating. There is a flag here that says Retake the government from the foxes!
BEELZEBUB
What government?! Are they residents of the same country?!
FALFA
This one says Let’s trick the foxes into giving us more votes!
BEELZEBUB
I do not recommend that as a political slogan.
FALFA
Oh! There’s a place over there for getting to know tanuki!
BEELZEBUB
Falfa, do not run so far ahead!
Falfa meets a pack of tanuki.
FALFA
Wow! There’s so many tanuki! But…they’re a lot dirtier than the ones in my picture books…
BEELZEBUB
’Tis because the tanuki in the books are made to look cute!
FALFA
Oh, I see. These tanuki aren’t earning enough money despite all their hard work. They’re being exploited by the capitalist tanuki…
BEELZEBUB
’Tis a difficult world! Especially for tanuki!
FALFA
That tanuki has been rubbing its hands like it’s scheming this whole time!
BEELZEBUB
That’s not a tanuki; that’s a raccoon.
SHALSHA
This exhibit details the combined history of tanuki and raccoons.
BEELZEBUB
These animals seem quite advanced.
SHALSHA
It appears fifty-one percent are in favor of merging the two groups, with forty-nine percent opposed.
BEELZEBUB
What a narrow margin!
SHALSHA
This establishment details the history of the tanuki’s hardships, frustrations, and anger without abbreviation. It has been terribly educational.
FALFA
Wooow, the tanuki are so soft and fluffy! Falfa is so happy!
SHALSHA
Sis, you forget our original objective. We are here to find a pig…to pet the fuzzy tanuki.
BEELZEBUB
You are both losing out to your momentary desires… But I suppose ’tis fine. Seeing your delighted faces gives me the greatest joy in life.
FALFA
Oh! The tanuki brought us cookies!
SHALSHA
The one on the right tastes like a delicious cookie, but it is actually grass. The one on the left is an actual cookie, but it tastes terrible, like grass.
BEELZEBUB
A difficult decision, indeed!
FALFA
Then Falfa will pick the grass that tastes like tasty cookies!
SHALSHA
Shalsha will do the same.
BEELZEBUB
You both went straight for the grass!
The sound of crunching cookies.
FALFA
Wooow! This is the tastiest cookie Falfa’s ever eaten! Falfa doesn’t even care if it’s grass!
SHALSHA
If the brain interprets it as tasty, then that is the truth. One could even say the whole world is an illusion shown to us by the brain.
BEELZEBUB
Well, then I suppose I may as well try the real cookie.
The sound of crunching cookies.
BEELZEBUB
…Ugh! As expected of a cookie made by tanuki! They are so dry and brittle!
FALFA
Oh, the tanuki say they’ll take us to the best pig if we make their wishes come true.
BEELZEBUB
Oh-ho. Though I suppose it will be troublesome if their wish ends up taking us a long time…
SHALSHA
They say, “Our shoulders are stiff. We want massages.”
BEELZEBUB
Consider it done!
BEELZEBUB – NARRATION
We massaged the tanuki’s shoulders and safely got our rare pig. This would net us our pork bone. Soon, we would have all our ingredients. Finally, Laika and I made for the ocean to get the dried sardines. We chartered a fishing boat to get out onto the water.
SCENE 5
Laika and Beelzebub set sail on rough seas.
The sound of whipping wind.
LAIKA
It’s quite rough out here. I did not think it would be storming out in the middle of the ocean.
BEELZEBUB
Indeed. We run the risk of capsizing on such a small fishing boat.
LAIKA
We do. I’m certain I’d get seasick if we were on the boat.
BEELZEBUB
Thankfully, that is not a problem, since I am hoisting you up as I float.
Laika exhales.
LAIKA
Sigh. Sorry to trouble you. I can’t fly in my human form.
BEELZEBUB
Worry not. I am a high-ranking demon. Carrying you alone is nothing… And you cannot fish in your dragon form anyway.
LAIKA
Oh, the captain is crying. He says, “We might capsize. Please let me turn back to port.”
BEELZEBUB
If we capsize, then Laika can turn into a dragon and save you. Worry not.
LAIKA
He says, “I cannot work with a capsized boat.” And something about a fisherman’s boat being his life.
BEELZEBUB
Then I shall buy you a new one with my ministry’s budget. Matters relating to agriculture, forestry, and fisheries should not be a problem.
LAIKA
I am not sure if that is an appropriate use of public funds…
BEELZEBUB
’Tis fine. Much more aboveboard than tanuki and fox politics.
LAIKA
What? Tanuki and foxes are involved in politics? That is news to me…
BEELZEBUB
…Do not concern yourself with the details.
LAIKA
Oh, the captain is delighted to hear he might get a new boat. He is now expressing his wish that this old rotten junk heap would just sink already.
BEELZEBUB
Was he not saying his boat was his life mere moments ago?! Anyway, this is the right spot for the sardines, yes? I do not know much of the ocean.
LAIKA
It seems we need only collect the fish called conceit sardines located in this area.
BEELZEBUB
Conceit sardines? What color are they? What sort of unique characteristics do they have?
LAIKA
Apparently, they get very carried away, insisting that they are incredibly strong and powerful.
BEELZEBUB
You are supposed to tell me what they look like… There must be humble conceit sardines…
Laika notices a noise from below.
LAIKA
Oh, the captain has begun lifting the net. Let’s go down and check the catch!
BEELZEBUB
Aye! We shall help pull up the net as well. Heave ho!
LAIKA
Heave ho! Heave ho! Heave ho! Heave ho! Heave ho! Heave ho!
BEELZEBUB
You’re quite serious about this…
LAIKA
We are doing this so that we may feed Lady Azusa the very best ra-ment! Please wait just a little longer, Lady Azusa!
BEELZEBUB
How admirable… I feel water in my eyes… Is it raining?
Ah, are these little ones the conceit sardines?
LAIKA
No, those are obsequor sardines. Look at their faces. They practically scream, I am nothing but a weakling. I can’t accomplish anything.
BEELZEBUB
’Tis only your own bias. I am certain there are those among them who think, One day I shall rule over all of sardine-kind. Watch out.
LAIKA
Either way, they do not taste as good as conceit sardines, so please throw them back into the water.
BEELZEBUB
Yes. We must conserve our natural resources and release everything we will not use for food! Grow big and strong in the sea! Abandon your obsequiousness…! Oh, this sardine looks different from the other ones.
LAIKA
Yes! That is a conceit sardine! It’s not very big, but it’s showing off with incredible jumps there. Please put it in the basket there.
BEELZEBUB
Yes. That marks our first catch. Oh, this one here is quite large.
LAIKA
That is a large bonito. It sells for a rather high price, but it is not our sardine, so please put it back in the water.
BEELZEBUB
Catch and release! Ah, now we have a crab.
LAIKA
That is a red king crab—a prized delicacy in some regions, but it is not a sardine, so please put it back in the water.
BEELZEBUB
Catch and release! Oh? Another fish.
LAIKA
That is a golden eye snapper. Another top-grade fish, but it is not our sardine, so please put it back in the water.
BEELZEBUB
Catch and release! Ooh… This next fish is massive! The captain looks delighted, too.
LAIKA
This is…the biggest a bluefin tuna can get. Well, it is not a sardine, so please put it back in the water.
BEELZEBUB
Catch and release! We don’t need these! There are plenty, but we need none of them!
LAIKA
Oh, there are plenty of conceit sardines over here! Let’s gather them up. Captain? Why are you crying? What? You wanted me to keep the tuna and the crab? But we only have need of the sardines.
BEELZEBUB
By the way, Laika. A thought.
LAIKA
Yes?
BEELZEBUB
To make dried sardines, we will ultimately need to…well, dry the sardines, no? They must sell high-quality dried sardines somewhere.
LAIKA
…Oh. You may be right. I am sorry. Once I concentrate on one thing, it is very hard for me to think about other things… I was too fixated on the sardines themselves.
BEELZEBUB
Ah, ’tis all right. Then let us return to port and find some dried sardines.
LAIKA
Is something the matter, Captain? Oh yes. We returned all the tuna back to the water. Why are you crying so hard? Did something bad happen? It’s all right! Regret will only lead to further growth! Please do not give up! Keep going! I am here to support you!
BEELZEBUB
That only made him cry even harder. I suppose ’tis true that one’s tears fall more freely as one gets older.
BEELZEBUB – NARRATION
We purchased very nice dried sardines at the harbor. I knew where to get noodles as well, which meant all our ingredients were accounted for. Now it was time to make ra-ment!
SCENE 6
In the dining room of the house in the highlands again.
AZUSA
I’m home! I’m finally back from the walk you told me to go on. To be honest, nothing interesting happened. It was so peaceful! I yawned at least five times! But better that than trouble, right? …Hmm? You’re all gathered together again. What’s going on? I see you finished up with the factory early today, Halkara. And Beelzebub’s here, too.
HALKARA
Madam Teacher, do you remember the other day when you thought I was leaving the house in the highlands and threw a party for me?
AZUSA
Oh yeah… I mean, you were looking at so much property, I honestly thought you were ready to go solo… But it turned out you were just looking for land for your factory.
HALKARA
Still, you threw me a party, so we thought it’d be nice to return the favor!
FALFA
Falfa and Shalsha helped find ingredients, too!
SHALSHA
We even ate grass to find you good pork.
AZUSA
What? Where did you two go that you wound up starving?
FALFA
But the grass tasted like really yummy cookies!
SHALSHA
I want the tanuki to dupe me again.
AZUSA
It tasted like cookies? Tanuki? …Sorry, what you’re saying is so fantastical that even a three-hundred-year-old like me can’t understand.
LAIKA
We decided to treat you to a unique demon dish, Lady Azusa. I joined in as well, since I am thankful for you every day.
BEELZEBUB
And I, the demon of the group, was in charge of cooking!
AZUSA
Aww, guys, thank you… I’ve never had anyone throw me a surprise party. I’m so happy! I had a lot of surprise work when I was a corporate slave… And when I thought I was finally caught up, I’d have even more work waiting for me…
LAIKA
Lady Azusa? What is wrong?
AZUSA
Sorry, it’s nothing. Just a little painful memory from the past. All right, pass me the demon grub!
BEELZEBUB
I shall! This is our demon dish, ra-ment! It gets quite hot if you eat it with a metal fork, so be sure to use a wooden one!
AZUSA
Wow, this is really a typical bowl of ramen! I didn’t think they’d have ramen here, too… They really have everything…
BEELZEBUB
’Tis not ramen! ’Tis ra-ment! You pronounce it wrong!
AZUSA
Why are you picky about what it’s called…? In my eyes, this is ramen.
BEELZEBUB
You pronounced my curreh sloppily as “curry” last time, no? I wish you would remember the proper names for these dishes. Wouldn’t you be furious if someone called you Bazusa?
AZUSA
If this world is going to have the same kinds of food, I wish they’d use the same names. It’s such a hassle…
BEELZEBUB
Your noodles will not be as good if you do not eat them quickly. Hurry up and dig in.
AZUSA
Guess you’re right. Fine. Time for some good old-fashioned ramen…t.
Azusa drinks some of the broth.
AZUSA
Ooh! I can taste chicken and pork bone and dried sardines.
What a relief—there are no preservatives! Because it’s got a mix of ingredients, it’s missing the punch, but the flavors are layered. I could see myself coming back for more again and again!
I can clearly taste the dried sardines, but I don’t detect their usual bitterness. And though the pork bone isn’t gamey at all, you’ve really drawn out a powerful umami from it! The chicken bones have been boiled thoroughly, too. But the bones aren’t the only thing, are they? By boiling the feet and the skin, too, you’ve brought out that gentle sweetness and mellow richness, like a mother’s cooking, that can only come from chicken! What’s more, no one flavor overpowers the others. You’ve really achieved the golden ratio to make this a perfect trinity!
FALFA
Falfa’s never seen Mommy talk so much about food!
SHALSHA
It seems she has a lot to say about this dish.
AZUSA
And these thin noodles suit the broth perfectly! I can even taste the flavor of the wheat! This is freshly made, isn’t it?! The wheat’s natural sweetness sits nicely in the background and doesn’t interfere with the flavor of the broth!
FALFA
Mommy has so much to say!
SHALSHA
Incredible. She’s like a poet.
AZUSA
Actually, I don’t know all that much about ramen. There’s just something about it that makes me want to talk. Ah… Those late-night ramen joints took such good care of me when I was a corporate slave…
BEELZEBUB
Yes, yes! Isn’t it good? That is the most traditional kind of ra-ment one can get, but it is a very difficult dish to master!
LAIKA
Apologies, Lady Azusa. What should I do with the vegetables, the oil, and the garlic?
AZUSA
What are you talking about? I’m not sure what you want, but go ahead and do as you like, Laika.
LAIKA
Understood!
FALFA
Mommy? Pick a number from one to ten!
SHALSHA
This is the moment we test you, Mom.
AZUSA
What are you asking me now? Is this a personality test? Or maybe you’re hoping to win with a three. Well then, I’ll pick ten.
FALFA
Okay! Then we’ll put in a lot!
SHALSHA
You are incredible, Mom. We respect you. You are a real trooper.
AZUSA
Well, that was easy. I’ve earned their respect simply by picking the number ten… By the way, Beelzebub. I had no idea you could make such high-quality ramen…t.
BEELZEBUB
To tell you the truth, one of my subordinates has the skills of a professional chef. Her name is Vania. She was helping up until a moment ago.
AZUSA
She came all the way out here for this…? I guess I’ll have to thank her.
BEELZEBUB
She left. She has work, or so she says.
AZUSA
You really just brought her over to cook…? Now I feel bad…
BEELZEBUB
Well, you shall meet her when the time comes. ’Tis the way of things. And…’tis not an exaggeration to say that ra-ment is like life itself.
AZUSA
I do think that’s an exaggeration, but I get what you’re saying.
Azusa eats the ra-ment.
AZUSA
It’s been ages since I had ramen. That was fantastic.
BEELZEBUB
Ra-ment.
AZUSA
…This ra-ment was so good! Thank you!
HALKARA
Miss Laika! She finished the first bowl!
AZUSA
What? What do you mean, first bowl?
HALKARA
For your celebration, we prepared several different types of ra-ment.
AZUSA
What?! I’m getting two bowls?!
LAIKA
Another bowl of ra-ment coming up! Here you go, Lady Azusa!
AZUSA
Whoooaaa! Look at all the vegetables heaped on top, and how stiff these thick noodles are… Back in Japan, we called overloaded ramen like this Yujiro-style ramen.
BEELZEBUB
No, not Yujiro-style. This is Jiro-style. ’Tis another classic kind of ra-ment. There are some demons who are so obsessed with Jiro-style ra-ment that they have built shrines to it.
AZUSA
They even worship it…
LAIKA
Apparently, a staple of Jiro-style ra-ment is to ask how much vegetable and oil to put in, as well as whether or not you wish to add garlic.
AZUSA
So that’s what that question was about!
LAIKA
When I asked you previously, you told me to do as I like, so I added a lot of each to make it to the dragon standard.
AZUSA
Why did you make it to the dragon standard?! Make it to the seventeen-year-old human girl standard! But isn’t it a little weird to serve this second…? This is the kind of thing you’d use for an eating challenge or something…
BEELZEBUB
’Tis normal for a demon. We often use this to wrap up a night of drinking.
AZUSA
I’m not a demon, though. But…fine. Maybe I can manage… First, I’ll take the noodles beneath the mountain of vegetables and flip it all around, then start eating the noodles first… I know I can eat the veggies even if I’m pretty full. It’ll get more difficult if the noodles absorb the broth, so I have to be careful.
BEELZEBUB
You are approaching this quite strategically for a first-timer.
AZUSA
It’s pretty popular in all kinds of places, so… I’m kind of familiar.
Azusa continues to eat her ra-ment.
AZUSA
Yes, I managed to finish it! This is my first ramen in three hundred years, so I guess it was worth it to have two bowls.
FALFA
Wow, Mommy! You ate the whole thing!
SHALSHA
Mom might still be growing. Still evolving at three hundred.
AZUSA
Shalsha, that compliment sounds like it’s meant for a middle-aged woman, so please don’t say that too much… Phew, I’m so satisfied! Thank you every—
HALKARA
Miss Laika, she’s finished the second bowl!
LAIKA
Understood! I will bring out the next one!
AZUSA
What…? Wait, there’s more…? I feel like I’m facing off against a boss with two final forms…
BEELZEBUB
For your third bowl, I have chosen my personal favorite type of ra-ment.
AZUSA
Oh no. I have a bad feeling about this.
LAIKA
Here is your extra-spicy ra-ment, Lady Azusa!
AZUSA
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This thing is redder than the flames of hell!
BEELZEBUB
’Tis your own fault.
AZUSA
Huh? What are you talking about?
BEELZEBUB
Anyone can handle a one or two, but you decided to go for a ten.
AZUSA
Wait. I don’t remember anyone asking me—
FALFA
Falfa asked you what number you wanted from one to ten.
AZUSA
That’s what the number was about?! So it wasn’t a personality test; it was a spiciness endurance test!
SHALSHA
A ten is apparently absurdly spicy. You are an exceptional person to take on the challenge, Mom. Still evolving at three hundred.
AZUSA
Do you…like that expression, Shalsha…? Cough, cough. Now that it’s closer to my face, my eyes are tearing up…
HALKARA
Tears of joy, right? I’m so glad I was able to repay you!
AZUSA
That’s quite an optimistic read of the situation. I’m crying because of the spice!
BEELZEBUB
…But there is deep flavor within the spice.
AZUSA
Yeah, it’s good. But…I don’t think I can handle this as my third bowl.
BEELZEBUB
Then I suppose we shall cancel the rest of the bowls.
AZUSA
Why don’t we all just eat together? Let’s make this a ramen party!
BEELZEBUB
’Tis ra-ment.
AZUSA
…Okay. I’ll go along with you. We’ll call it a ra-ment party. Eat up, everyone…
BEELZEBUB – NARRATION
And so everyone enjoyed their own bowls of ra-ment.
FALFA
Wow, it’s tasty! Super tasty! Falfa likes this a lot!
SHALSHA
Ra-ment is like philosophy. There are endless possibilities within this bowl.
LAIKA
Yes, the sixth bowl, the rich pork bone ra-ment, was very good. I wish to have a seventh, but may I?
HALKARA
Are you sure you’re not eating too much, Miss Laika? But goodness, this would be the perfect way to end a night of drinking, wouldn’t it?
AZUSA
I’ll bring you your next portion then, Laika. Hold on a sec.
SCENE 7
Azusa goes to the kitchen, where Beelzebub is.
AZUSA
Beelzebub, Laika said she’s having another bowl.
BEELZEBUB
I see, I see. We’ve managed to get through all the food after all.
AZUSA
Well, dragons do eat a lot… Still, you managed to do something nice for me yet again.
BEELZEBUB
’Twas nothing. Everyone is having a good time. We should do this more often.
AZUSA
Yeah, I guess so.
BEELZEBUB
And, oh. I do want to see you…um…happy…
AZUSA
Beelzebub, are you blushing?
BEELZEBUB
No! Do not say it out loud!
AZUSA
Sorry, sorry. But really, thank you.
BEELZEBUB
Aye. And I wish to see the girls’ smiling faces, too.
AZUSA
Hold on. Whose girls are you talking about?
BEELZEBUB
Falfa and Shalsha are so cute. I never tire of seeing them!
AZUSA
I’m never going to let you adopt them, all right?! They’re my girls! Don’t get the wrong idea!
BEELZEBUB
Yes, yes, I know. But…all these big pots lined up in a row is quite a sight, no?
AZUSA
You’ve gotta boil the pork and chicken bones to make ra-ment. You need big pots like this.
BEELZEBUB
Still, ’tis almost as though…you know.
AZUSA
What?
BEELZEBUB
You know. A witch’s house.
AZUSA
Wait. This is a witch’s house! A literal witch’s house! What kind of house did you think you were barging into?!
BEELZEBUB
My girls’ house.
AZUSA
Stop calling them that!
BEELZEBUB – NARRATION
And so making ra-ment proved to be a huge success. All because of me, the great demon Beelzebub!
AZUSA – NARRATION
Mm-hmm. It was worth walking so much to work up an appetite. It’s not half bad having everyone celebrate me now and again.
The End
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