SCENE 0
AZUSA – NARRATION
I’m Azusa, also known as the Witch of the Highlands. I look like a high school girl, but my life has been three hundred years of killing slimes and making potions.
These days, I’ve been living with Laika, a dragon girl, Falfa and Shalsha, my daughters, who are also slime spirits, and Halkara, a troublemaker elf.
An important demon by the name of Beelzebub seems to have taken a liking to me, and she comes to visit a lot, too.
Anyway, at the foot of the highlands where we live is a little village called Flatta. Today marked the end of an event called the Dance Festival being held there… A lot of stuff happened, and we ended up walking around in maid outfits.
It was a huge success, but it was kind of embarrassing… In any case, the festival ended, and we all came home to the house in the highlands.
SCENE 1
AZUSA
Phew! Another Flatta Dance Festival in the bag.
LAIKA
Lady Azusa, those frilly outfits do really wear me out…
AZUSA
The villagers were really fussing over you, weren’t they? Well, it only happens once a year, so you’ll be fine.
LAIKA
Does that mean we will be doing the Witch’s House Café again next year?
AZUSA
I guess that depends on how things go. But it seems like the villagers are hoping we will.
FALFA
Mommy! Falfa can’t wait for next year’s Dance Festival!
SHALSHA
We cannot turn back time, but these sorts of functions make it appear to repeat in yearly cycles. Shalsha is also very deeply interested.
AZUSA
Shalsha, I’m afraid I’m not really following.
FALFA
What Shalsha’s saying, Mommy, is that she wants to do it again next year, too!
AZUSA
Thanks for interpreting, Falfa. You’re right. It’s kind of fun to play restaurateur once every year. Let’s try to do the Witch’s House Café again next time if we can.
HALKARA
Ahhh. Festival day is a great time for booze!
AZUSA
You’re already drunk, Halkara. Look at you; you can barely walk. I’m surprised you made it back to the house.
HALKARA
Oh, come on. I’ve barely had anything to drink… Eee… Heh-heh… Ah-ha-ha-ha!
AZUSA
You’re not gonna barf again, are you…?
HALKARA
Please, Madam Teacher, I think I’ve learned a thing or two from—I’m…I’m going to the bathroom!
AZUSA
See? I knew this would happen! You run a pharmaceuticals company, so you ought to take better care of yourself!
BEELZEBUB
She never changes. ’Tis hard to change one’s personality after reaching adulthood.
AZUSA
That’s true. But, Beelzebub, why are you still here? I mean, you can stay if you want, but don’t you have work?
BEELZEBUB
I took off through tomorrow, so I will be fine. I like to put in for a day or so extra vacation after events like these so I can fully relax.
AZUSA
You’re right. It’s hard to go right back to work the day after a party. Though you can’t do that unless your job allows you to take the time.
BEELZEBUB
We demons place great emphasis on worker satisfaction.
AZUSA
Demons sure are advanced when it comes to that stuff. Anyway, I guess that means we’ll need food for six people tomorrow.
BEELZEBUB
Very well. Then I shall cook for you tomorrow morning! That will allow you to relax, no? ’Tis repayment for allowing me to stay at your house.
AZUSA
I see. That’s not a bad compromise.
BEELZEBUB
I shall prepare for you the greatest breakfast ever. You’d best be ready for it.
FALFA
Falfa will help!
SHALSHA
Shalsha is curious about demon cooking. I want to watch.
BEELZEBUB
Oh? You’ll both help me? How that warms my heart. You two are so pure!
AZUSA
Oh no! What if Beelzebub takes my kids away from me? How am I supposed to relax…?
LAIKA
Lady Azusa, do you have a moment?
AZUSA
Aww, I knew you’d stay with me, at least. You really are like my little sister!
LAIKA
…Miss Halkara is acting like the living dead in the bathroom, so I need your help caring for her.
AZUSA
Oh, that. Right, I’ll help. That’s what family is for, after all…
SCENE 2
Azusa and Laika head to the bathroom, where Halkara is.
AZUSA
You’re as white as a sheet.
HALKARA
Wh-why did I drink so much…?
AZUSA
I’d like to ask you the same thing.
HALKARA
The alcohol is like my lover when I’m drinking it, but now it’s like a terrible, terrible bandit…
AZUSA
It’s incredible that someone who makes potions for a living understands so little about their own body…
LAIKA
I believe Miss Halkara lacks self-control. Why don’t you join me in training every morning? It will temper your spirit.
HALKARA
Sorry, but no thank you.
LAIKA
You might learn to breathe fire from your mouth.
AZUSA
No, she won’t. And even if she did, she’d just get drunk and burn something down. So please don’t encourage her.
AZUSA – NARRATION
And so the night after the festival ended peacefully… Well, not for Halkara, but that was her own fault, so it doesn’t count.
Sound of water boiling.
BEELZEBUB
Cooking is heat! Cooking is explosions! Cooking is tears!
FALFA
Whoa! Look at the color! It’s all pitch-black!
SHALSHA
Just what I would expect from a demon. The aroma in my nostrils holds a unique appeal. No, this is more of a stench.
AZUSA – NARRATION
I heard terrible things happening in the kitchen. An awful feeling was forming in my stomach. Were we going to be okay tomorrow…?
SCENE 3
Birds chirping.
AZUSA
Yaaawn… Good morning.
FALFA
Oh, Mommy! Good morning! This is our breakfast today!
SHALSHA
It came out magnificently. Very tasty. You must eat it, too, Mom.
AZUSA
Those are two major seals of approval. What a relief.
BEELZEBUB
You were thinking rude things about me, weren’t you? I take this very seriously, you know. Try the acidic swamp bread!
AZUSA
I’m glad you’re so confident, but I can’t say that sounds very appetizing. Though…it does look tasty. We called this deep-fried bread in my past life. That deep amber color is making me hungry.
BEELZEBUB
I know not of your past life, but now is the time to eat up. As we demons say, there is nothing more boring than talking about one’s food before eating it.
AZUSA
I see. I guess that makes sense. Here goes nothing.
Sounds of munching on bread.
AZUSA
O-oh my god. This is…this is so good! The outer shell is a crispy, crunchy texture, but it’s so moist on the inside! And it’s stuffed full of veggies and meats, and the inside isn’t soggy! The spices are tickling my nose!
FALFA
Yes! Mommy likes it! Falfa helped stir-fry the vegetables!
SHALSHA
As a participant in this endeavor, Shalsha is glad to have her hard work pay off.
BEELZEBUB
Aye, indeed. The girls did wonderfully.
AZUSA
Hey, hold on. Stop calling them “the girls.”
BEELZEBUB
What? They are girls, so that is what one should call them.
AZUSA
When you say it, it sounds like you’re secretly trying to make them your girls… I am never, ever, ever letting you adopt Falfa or Shalsha, all right?
BEELZEBUB
More importantly, tell me what you think of the bread. I am not going to abduct the girls.
AZUSA
This is definitely curry bread! And it’s perfect, like a model example.
BEELZEBUB
Do not name my food. This is acidic swamp bread. ’Twas named after the stinging sensation of an acidic swamp, and ’tis a perfectly respectable demon delicacy.
AZUSA
C’mon, that doesn’t sound tasty at all. But I’m serious; I’ve had bread like this before. It was called curry bread, because there was a spicy stew called curry, except with all the watery bits drained out, inside a bread roll.
BEELZEBUB
Oh-ho. That sounds a bit like demon curreh. What is inside acidic swamp bread is close to curreh.
AZUSA
Oh, so you have curry, too.
BEELZEBUB
No, no. Not curry. Curreh. Curreh, Azusa.
AZUSA
You’re really picky about that pronunciation.
BEELZEBUB
’Tis its name. One does not pronounce it curry even in the most dire of circumstances.
AZUSA
Fine. This isn’t going anywhere, so I’ll leave it at that.
The door opens.
LAIKA
Good morning.
HALKARA
Ooh… I’m so hungover… There’s a bull on a rampage in my skull…
AZUSA
Morning, you two. Come here and try Beelzebub’s curry bread.
BEELZEBUB
’Tis acidic swamp bread! How many times do I have to—? Oh, forget it. Give it a taste.
Sounds of munching on bread.
LAIKA
Oh! This is quite delicious!
HALKARA
It is! But…I have heartburn right now. I wish I could have some when I’m feeling better…
BEELZEBUB
That is not my problem.
AZUSA
Oh yeah. I want to make curry…I mean curreh. Do you have a recipe, Beelzebub? I should be able to make some acidic swamp bread as long as I have the ingredients.
FALFA
Oh! You’re not supposed to do that!
SHALSHA
Yes. Shalsha heard the same from Miss Beelzebub.
AZUSA
Oh? What are you two talking about?
BEELZEBUB
Oh-ho-ho. The inside of this bread is similar to curreh, yes. But the filling has been simplified so that it may be put inside the bread roll. If you wish to make curreh itself, then you must get your hands on quite a number of valuable spices. Otherwise, it is not true curreh.
AZUSA
Oh, it doesn’t have to be that authentic. It can just be average.
BEELZEBUB
Absolutely not. I do not wish to cook a pale imitation of curreh and leave you with a false impression! At the very least, we’ll need bab nuts and hacko herbs and anima leaves… Well, I suppose I could cook it for you if you brought me the ingredients.
AZUSA
I’ll pass. That’s too much work.
BEELZEBUB
I would cook it for you if you brought me the ingredients!
AZUSA
Ah. It wasn’t optional.
AZUSA – NARRATION
And so, by bringing the subject up first, I painted myself into a corner and ended up searching for each of the spices. We made a whole occasion out of it, and I went looking for the bab nuts with Laika, the hacko herbs with Falfa and Shalsha, and the anima leaves with Halkara.
SCENE 4
Rustling grass.
AZUSA – NARRATION
First, Laika took her dragon form and flew me to the faraway habitat of bab nuts.
AZUSA
Sorry for dragging you all the way out here. The fault is half Beelzebub’s and half mine.
LAIKA
Oh, I don’t mind. In a way, this is just more herb gathering, like for your medicines. And…I am happy I have the chance to work alone with you, Lady Azusa…
AZUSA
Aw, thanks. I’m glad to hear it.
LAIKA
This is a very thick forest, though. I keep tripping over the vines.
AZUSA
Me too. These bab nuts are apparently very special tree nuts. I had no idea they were also used to make spices.
LAIKA
What are they like?
AZUSA
They’re okay when they’re dry, but while fresh, they tend to affect the mental state of animals.
LAIKA
Like narcotics?
AZUSA
Oh, nothing that dangerous. They’re not addictive, either. But they can cause temporary age regression.
LAIKA
Age regression…?
AZUSA
Yeah. It apparently makes you want to cling like a baby to the nearest person. I’ve heard it’s especially effective on typically serious people, so be careful not to step on any, okay?
LAIKA
I see. But I train my spirit constantly, so I am confident I’ll be able to overcome it.
AZUSA
That’s true. You might be able to manage. But just in case, watch where you step.
LAIKA
I will. Oh—!!!
A crunch as Laika steps on something.
AZUSA
Hmm? What’s wrong?! Was there a snake? Though I guess snakes aren’t that scary for a dragon.
LAIKA
I’m sorry. It appears I stepped on some sort of nut…
AZUSA
Oh, that’s probably a bab nut… Try not to inhale its scent too mu— Laika? Why do you look like you’re going to cry?
Laika experiences age regression.
LAIKA
Lady Azusa…I…I…feel helpless…
AZUSA
Oh no. Have you regressed…?
LAIKA
I am always enjoying myself living in the house in the highlands, and so I never think about it, but…um… I suddenly remembered that I’m living away from my parents…
AZUSA
Oh, you’re homesick. That’s perfectly normal.
LAIKA
Waaaaaah! Waaaaaah! I’m sad! And scared!
AZUSA
Whoa, whoa! Don’t cry, don’t cry! There’s nothing to be afraid of! I’m right here. It’s okay, it’s okay.
LAIKA
Your smell calms me down, Big Sis…
AZUSA
I’m your big sister? Well…I suppose that’s fine. Yes, your big sister Azusa’s going to take good care of you. There’s nothing to fear. There, there. Good girl. You’re a good kid, Laika. That’s it.
LAIKA
Rub my back, Big Sis…
AZUSA
………Okay.
Azusa rubs Laika’s back.
AZUSA
How’s that? Are you a little calmer now? If there’s anything bothering you, you can tell me everything, okay? You’re always so good, Laika. You can depend on me all you want today. I…don’t think I want this to go on for days, but the bab nut’s effects shouldn’t be that strong.
LAIKA
Thank you, Big Sis. You’re so warm.
AZUSA
Am I? I’m glad.
LAIKA
Big Sis, let me rest my head on your lap.
AZUSA
Wow, those bab nuts sure are something. She keeps asking for more… But I guess I don’t really mind. All right, come put your head on your big sister Azusa’s lap.
LAIKA
Thank you. I feel so safe here… I’m not lonely, even without my family…
AZUSA
I see. Well, we know where the nuts are, so we can take our time. You can always rely on me if you need to.
LAIKA
…Um, can I ask you something?
AZUSA
Sure, sure. Of course. Anything you like.
LAIKA
Will I ever be as wonderful as you…?
AZUSA
Is that what you’re worried about?
LAIKA
You’ve spent so long slowly killing slimes and building up your accomplishments… Could I ever stick to one thing for such a long time…?
AZUSA
Of course you can. After all, you’re my little sister, Laika!
LAIKA
M-maybe…
AZUSA
Trust me.
LAIKA
All right. I’ll try…
AZUSA
Good. But you don’t have to try anything right now. Just rest.
Time passes.
AZUSA
………She fell asleep. I guess spending time like this isn’t so bad every once in a while. I just hope she doesn’t sleep for so long that my legs start to hurt.
Time passes. Laika wakes up.
LAIKA
Aaaah! What have I done?!
AZUSA
Oh, you’re awake. Good morning, Laika.
LAIKA
I’m so sorry! It seems I was acting in a very embarrassing manner with you because of that bab nut… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!
AZUSA
You don’t have to apologize. More importantly, was Big Sis Azusa’s lap comfortable?
LAIKA
L-Lady Azusa… Please do not tease me so… I am not the sort of person to lean on others that way… Ohh, just recalling it makes me want to spit flame!
AZUSA
Most people would just turn red from embarrassment, but you can actually produce fire. Please be careful. We don’t want to burn the forest down.
LAIKA
I-I’ll try…
AZUSA
I’m actually happy I got to hear some of what you feel deep inside. It does get a little lonely living so far away from your family, doesn’t it?
LAIKA
W-well, maybe… But only sometimes…
AZUSA
You still feel it, though. I’m not much of a replacement, but if you need someone to lean on, then you’re more than welcome to come to me. I know it might be embarrassing in the house, but it’s not a problem out here.
LAIKA
………Um, then could you rub my head and back one more time…?
AZUSA
I’ll do whatever my cute little sister asks! Come over here.
LAIKA
A-all right… One day, I will pay you back for all the guidance you have given me…
AZUSA
It’s nothing, really.
AZUSA – NARRATION
I doted on Laika plenty during her age regression, and it was actually pretty nice. And we got our bab nuts, too.
SCENE 5
AZUSA – NARRATION
This time, I joined my daughters on dragon Laika’s back around noontime, and we went to the fields in search of hacko herbs. We figured Laika would be tired, so we let her rest while we searched.
FALFA
Wooow! Look how big the plain is!
AZUSA
Now, Falfa, don’t run too fast, or you’ll trip.
SHALSHA
The land stretches on as far as the eye can see. What a perfect place for contemplation. Now I can see just how small and insignificant I am. This will surely lead me to true self-knowledge.
AZUSA
Shalsha, please, don’t just plop down and start meditating… Couldn’t you be a little more like a kid…? You can run around in the grass, you know? You two are such polar opposites.
FALFA
What kind of plant is the hacko herb anyway?
AZUSA
It grows among the other grasses and sprouts purple flowers. It doesn’t care one bit about fitting in, so just look for the purple flowers.
SHALSHA
Purple is a noble color. This plant must be very aloof.
AZUSA
That seems to be the case. Oh, and try not to breathe in the pollen. It has a very slight hallucinogenic effect.
FALFA
Okay! Falfa is a good girl, so I’ll do as you say!
SHALSHA
What sort of hallucinogenic effects, Mom?
AZUSA
It’s weak, so adults don’t tend to notice anything, but children grow oddly rebellious. They start acting like the hacko herb, like they’re immune to the influences of others.
FALFA
Hmm. But Falfa will never have a rebellious phase. Because Falfa loves you, Mommy!
AZUSA
I know. And I hope that never changes!
SHALSHA
A rebellious phase… Shalsha doesn’t really understand, but Shalsha won’t steal any wyverns.
AZUSA
Stealing a wyvern sounds pretty difficult.
SHALSHA
Others experiencing a rebellious phase apparently smash stained-glass windows in churches.
AZUSA
That sounds more like something a villain would do.
Sounds of insects and rustling grass.
FALFA
Hacko herb, where are you? Where are you, hacko herb?
SHALSHA
Perhaps this is one of those times where we eventually learn it was right beside us all along. And so Shalsha looks next to us and finds…nothing.
AZUSA
It’s apparently somewhat rare. But we can take our time searching, like we’re out on a picnic. You know, I’m having a lot of fun spending time in the sun with both of you.
FALFA
Where are you, hacko herb? Hello? Oh! A stink bug!
AZUSA
Those can get very stinky, so don’t touch it!
SHALSHA
Shalsha is sleepy.
AZUSA
Shalsha, try to keep searching for just a little longer, okay? Hmm, this might take more time than I thought.
Time passes.
FALFA
Mommy, Falfa put a flower in her hair!
SHALSHA
Mom, Shalsha has adorned herself with a flower.
AZUSA
Oh! Look how cute you both are! That purple flower is so pretty on you! ………Wait, purple?
FALFA
Oh, is this the hacko herb?
SHALSHA
Plants do not know their own names. Yet they still produce beautiful flowers.
AZUSA
You found them! Nice work, you two!
FALFA
This flower smells so nice!
SHALSHA
Plants do not know their own names. Yet they still produce such lovely scents.
AZUSA
Wait, you’re both smelling it…? You’re not going to rebel on me, are you…?
Falfa and Shalsha enter their rebellious phase.
FALFA
……Mommy, Falfa hates these kiddie clothes. I want a shorter skirt.
AZUSA
Falfa? What are you talking about?
SHALSHA
Shalsha thinks studying is boring and pointless. I am going to live life without thought to any damage I cause; I will do what I please with no thought to the future. Let the cards fall as they may. Shalsha will skip studying today and tomorrow.
AZUSA
You, too, Shalsha?! I guess the hacko herb’s effects are real…
FALFA
Shalsha, let’s stop looking for this stupid herb and get some water at the tavern.
SHALSHA
Understood. Only the tavern can soothe our souls.
AZUSA
No! You’re way too young for that! Stop talking like delinquents! …Though I guess if it’s only water, it’s not that big a deal.
FALFA
Move, Mommy. Falfa hates this boring stuff.
SHALSHA
Shalsha feels somehow compelled to turn my back on what my parent says.
AZUSA
Oh no! They’re both taking the wrong path in life! Quick, change back to normal! Mommy’s going to cry!
FALFA
Whatever. Falfa hates you.
SHALSHA
Children are supposed to make their parents cry.
AZUSA
Falfa said she hates me… Falfa’s rebelling and saying she hates me… Even if it’s all because of the hacko herb, it’s still a shock… Seeing them try to act grown-up is frankly pretty cute, but it’s a shock, too…
FALFA
Hmph. Falfa’s a bad girl! When Falfa gets home, I’m going to cut my skirts short and chase grasshoppers!
AZUSA
Ohh… She can’t bring herself to go full delinquent. How adorable!
SHALSHA
Shalsha is going to the library to read lots of antiestablishment philosophy books.
AZUSA
Ohh… And Shalsha’s just as studious as ever. So precious!
FALFA
Okay, well, Falfa and Shalsha are going home first. Let’s go, Shalsha.
SHALSHA
Wait a second.
FALFA
What is it, Shalsha?
SHALSHA
Shalsha wants to rebel, but…I also feel guilty leaving Mom behind… We’re still children… We still use our parent’s money to eat, even when we’re rebelling… Such rebellion is not genuine…
AZUSA
Ah, she’s fallen into that familiar dilemma, where a delinquent realizes they’re being supported by the very people they’re resisting.
FALFA
Hey, that’s not fair, Shalsha… Falfa…feels guilty, too… It’s not like I blame Mommy…
AZUSA
Ohh, I can’t stand it! You’re both so cute! It’s like seasoning food with salt to draw out the sweetness! I’m going to hug both of you!
FALFA
Ugh, Mommy! You’re squeezing too tight!
SHALSHA
We’re supposed to be rebelling…
AZUSA
My love for you won’t change, even if you rebel! And I know you love me very much!
Falfa and Shalsha start crying.
FALFA
I’m sorry, Mommy! I love you, Mommy!
SHALSHA
I gave in to the hallucination. I’m sorry, Mom…
AZUSA
Oh, I’m so glad! You’re back to normal! Mommy’s so happy!
AZUSA – NARRATION
My daughters went through a little delinquent phase, but we successfully got our hacko herbs. When they were trying to be bad, my girls were still so precious. Even if they go through the real thing one day, I think we’ll be all right.
SCENE 6
AZUSA – NARRATION
Finally, I went searching for the leaves of the anima tree with Halkara. I had a feeling we’d have all the ingredients by evening.
HALKARA
There are anima trees relatively close to the house, aren’t there?
AZUSA
Yeah. They don’t usually grow in the highlands, though, since it gets pretty warm in the summer.
HALKARA
The anima tree is somewhat common in the elf lands, though. Oh…
AZUSA
Hmm? What’s wrong?
HALKARA
My chest caught on a tree branch.
AZUSA
Is this spite? Are you doing that to spite me?
HALKARA
Madam Teacher, what really matters is how they’re shaped.
AZUSA
What’s that supposed to mean? Those are the words of someone who’s already winning.
HALKARA
There aren’t many advantages to having a large chest… And more importantly, the anima tree is poisonous, so please be careful. Elves tend to avoid it.
AZUSA
More hallucinogens…? I wouldn’t be surprised, after the last two…
HALKARA
Not that sort of poison. But if you keep touching it, your hand will break out in a rash. It’s much safer to use gloves when harvesting them.
AZUSA
…You actually sound like an elf pharmacist today.
HALKARA
I don’t just sound like one, I am one. You have a sharp tongue, Madam Teacher!
AZUSA
But if it’s the type of poison that causes rashes, then we shouldn’t need to worry. I was concerned it might turn people into animals or something, like the name says.
HALKARA
Oh, absolutely not. We’ll find the leaves, then have Miss Beelzebub make curreh for dinner tonight!
AZUSA
You’re really excited about this, huh?
HALKARA
That’s because I’ve been drinking Nature’s Power Juice, a special concoction I made that melts leftover alcohol in the body.
AZUSA
There you go making more weird drinks… But I’ve never heard of that one before.
HALKARA
I’m currently testing it out. I’m hoping to market it as long as there are no side effects. I just know there will be high demand for such a product!
AZUSA
Side effects… I don’t like the sound of that…
HALKARA
You worry too much, Madam Teacher! It contains no deadly poisons or anything like that. One might get a little excited, but I’ve kept it within legal bounds. So it’s all right! It’s definitely fine!
AZUSA
When you tell me something is “definitely fine,” that’s a big red flag…
Rustling grass.
HALKARA
Oh! That’s an anima tree. We found one!
AZUSA
Its branches are growing out the sides, like horns. It stands out a lot more than I expected.
HALKARA
Once we get these, it’ll be mission complete! See, Madam Teacher? Not a problem, graaah! The only thing left to do is go home, graaah!
Halkara goes into animal mode.
AZUSA
…Halkara, did you just roar?
HALKARA
Oh… My thoughts are getting cloudy… It’s so very difficult to walk on two feet, graaah… Is this a side effect of Nature’s Power Juice, graaah?!
AZUSA
Look at you! You’re being overcome by some mysterious power! Hey! Don’t go crawling around on all fours! It’s unladylike!
HALKARA
Graaah, graaah! I’m the monster, Elfizard! Graaah…
AZUSA
And now you’re babbling! I have a Cure Poison spell, so wait there!
HALKARA
The drink has already permeated my entire body, graaah. It’s too late for a cure, graaah.
AZUSA
Why are you acting so calm?!
HALKARA
Because Elfizard the Monster is smart, graaah!
AZUSA
This is bad… If she goes totally wild and strays too far into the forest, she’ll get hurt… I guess I have no choice but to take care of her myself.
HALKARA
Food, food, food… Mice, rabbits, foxes…
AZUSA
Oh no! Now all she can think about is hunting!
HALKARA
Wolves, dragons, golems…
AZUSA
Okay, there’s no way you can hunt those. And you can’t eat a golem! C’mon, Halkara. Come here. C’mere! I’m not gonna hurt you, I mean it. C’mere! Pspsps.
HALKARA
My name is Elfizard the Monster! Graaah!
AZUSA
I’m getting kind of annoyed by this fixation on your fictional identity… Uh, c’mon, Elfizard! C’mere! Come with me and I’ll feed you chicken and pork and beef!
HALKARA
Elfizard the Monster prefers the vegetarian lifestyle.
AZUSA
So that part of you is still an elf, huh…? Well, then stop talking about wild mice and rabbits! You’re getting your own lore mixed up!
HALKARA
But this human looks the tastiest! Graaah!
Halkara leaps at Azusa.
AZUSA
Whoa, whoa! Keep control of yourself! You leaped at me, and I fell on my butt…
HALKARA
Elfizard the Monster is an animal, so I establish my dominance by pouncing on others, graaah!
AZUSA
I was hoping that was a metaphor, but you’re actually trying to get on top of me…
HALKARA
When the other is female, Elfizard the Monster establishes dominance by showing off how big my breasts are, graaah!
AZUSA
Gah! Stop pushing those against me! This is just spite, and I know it! And there’s no way these things should be so bouncy!
HALKARA
Elfizard the Monster will now attempt to rub her scent on the other! This is called marking, graaah!
AZUSA
Stop it! That tickles! Don’t lick my face! Maybe if you were a cat or a dog—but you’re Halkara! An elf girl!
HALKARA
You smell so good, Madam Teacher… Oh, my head… Something else is trying to push Elfizard the Monster out of me, woof.
AZUSA
No, you’re on the right track! Please win, Halkara! And stop licking me!
HALKARA
I’m Elfizard, woof!
AZUSA
You stopped roaring and started barking! Your own backstory is getting all mixed up!
HALKARA
Graaah, graaah! I’m going to lick you more! Graaah!
AZUSA
Ah! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Stop! My neck’s ticklish! That’s against the rules!
HALKARA
You’re so much cuter than normal today, Madam Teacher. You’re… You know. How do I say it. Brimming? …Graaah.
AZUSA
Brimming with what?! And you’re basically back to normal! You’re Halkara! You’re not a monster!
HALKARA
Halkara…? I feel as though I’ve heard that useless elf’s name somewhere before…
AZUSA
Why the self-deprecation? This sure is taking a while… Go cool off and change back— Oh, I know!
HALKARA
Graaah, graaah, graaah!
AZUSA
I’ll cool you off with my ice magic!
Sound of a spell being cast.
AZUSA
Here, nice and cold! Now remember who you are!
HALKARA
Eep! That’s freezing! Ooh… Ah, ah, ah-choo! Ooh… I’m going to get sick.
AZUSA
Finally, you’re talking like Halkara again!
HALKARA
………Oh, I feel like I just woke up from an odd dream…
AZUSA
Halkara, is that you?! Are you back to normal?
HALKARA
Yes, Madam Teacher. I’m Halkara. Did something happen?
AZUSA
I’ll tell you everything later. First, could you get off me?
HALKARA
Um… Ahhhhhhh! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! What have I…? Please forgive me! I’ll do anything!
AZUSA
Then could you get the anima leaves for us…?
AZUSA – NARRATION
And so, though I went through a lot of trouble to do it, I eventually got the spices needed to make curreh. All that was left was for me to make the dish with Beelzebub. I had been the one to bring it up in the first place, after all.
SCENE 7
Azusa and Beelzebub stand in the kitchen.
BEELZEBUB
Oh-ho. At last, we have all the spices. The door to curreh shall finally open!
AZUSA
Why are you making such a big deal out of this…?
BEELZEBUB
Because I have work tomorrow. I’m making the most of my remaining time off.
AZUSA
That’s a little too real for me.
BEELZEBUB
Now we shall begin preparing the curreh. First, cut the onions, carrots, other vegetables, and the chicken into bite-size chunks. We shall be making chicken curreh this time.
AZUSA
Just like curry. I’ll help cut.
BEELZEBUB
And I have precut ingredients over here.
AZUSA
You cut them already?!
BEELZEBUB
We put these into a big pot, then cook them thoroughly for about thirty minutes on low heat. The trick is to keep watch until the onions get soft and take on a caramel color.
AZUSA
I’ll do that part, then.
BEELZEBUB
And here are the ingredients already cooked for thirty minutes.
AZUSA
You made them already?!
BEELZEBUB
This work can all be done without the spices, so I went ahead and did it.
AZUSA
Wait, hold on! You’re not gonna turn around and tell me you’ve already finished cooking the whole thing, are you…? I’m going to be mad if you’re putting all my spices to waste.
BEELZEBUB
N-no, of course not… Once the ingredients are well cooked, add water to the pot, then bring it all to a boil. Make sure to stir it every once in a while so nothing sticks to the bottom of the pot.
AZUSA
I can do that. But this really is just curry…
BEELZEBUB
Mix it veeery well. We demons have a saying about this part of the curreh-making process: The more you stir, the more the color changes!
AZUSA
I feel like I’ve heard that somewhere before, like in a candy commercial… Mix, mix, mix. Mix, mix, mix. If you think of this as a stew, I guess it isn’t all that weird that it exists here, too. Oh, the pot’s getting hotter.
BEELZEBUB
See? See? Once we add everything to the pot, it will turn into curreh in an instant.
AZUSA
I bet you need to add some kind of secret curreh powder. Otherwise, it won’t be like what was in the bread we had this morning.
BEELZEBUB
Oh-ho-ho. We’ll be adding this next: Ultimate Curreh Roux!
AZUSA
That looks like roux I used to buy at the store.
BEELZEBUB
Most demon families keep Ultimate Curreh Roux at home. One can easily achieve restaurant-quality food using this.
AZUSA
If it was so easy, then you shouldn’t have sent me out to get those spices!
BEELZEBUB
Those spices will allow us to achieve an even richer flavor, which is why we add them as secret ingredients at the end. It will elevate our curreh to untold heights.
AZUSA
I don’t really buy it… But okay. Well, I’m putting the roux in.
BEELZEBUB
Go on. Next, slowly melt the roux, and once its flavors have permeated all of the ingredients, it’s finished. ’Tis very, very delicious!
AZUSA
No matter how I look at it, this is just curry…
BEELZEBUB
Next, mix in the ingredients you procured using my original ratio, and it’s all done!
Ding signaling completion.
AZUSA
Ooh! It’s looking good!
BEELZEBUB
Now let’s get this into deep soup bowls and eat it with some bread. I wish to see Falfa’s and Shalsha’s delighted faces!
AZUSA
Yes. I can see we’re all finished, but…
BEELZEBUB
Hmm?
AZUSA
There’s one thing I want you to do, just in case.
BEELZEBUB
Like what? Do you want me to dance around it and chant to make it even tastier?
AZUSA
That won’t change anything in the kitchen. I want you to taste-test it for me. To check for poison.
BEELZEBUB
How rude you are… You have seen for yourself what sorts of things are in the curreh…
AZUSA
But today was a disaster. Everyone got weird. What if the proportions are off? You won’t suddenly freak out, too, will you? This could be dangerous. I can’t risk my family eating any until it’s been tested.
BEELZEBUB
Hmm… I suppose ’twould be best to give it a taste. I have heard that these ingredients were once used to create a love potion, but I believe that was just a myth. Nothing more.
AZUSA
Well, now you’ve jinxed it for sure!
Beelzebub takes a bite.
BEELZEBUB
Mmm. ’Tis indeed mellow, yet rich. This would put a professional to shame! Adding the spices really elevates the flavor.
AZUSA
It does look delicious. And it’s been cooked well.
BEELZEBUB
See? Nothing’s going to……… Ah, ohh… Ohh…!
AZUSA
Ack! Beelzebub! Are you okay?!
BEELZEBUB
I-i-it feels as though…my body is burning…
AZUSA
Was the curry too spicy?! C’mon, get a grip! Can you stand? If you can’t, you can lean on me!
BEELZEBUB
A-A-A…Azusa…
AZUSA
What? Let’s get you to a bed first, okay?
BEELZEBUB
You are…so pretty…
AZUSA
………What?
BEELZEBUB
I feel my body alight with flame whenever I look at you… Will you help me cool this heat…?
Azusa pulls ice out of nowhere.
AZUSA
Okay, I thought this might happen, so I was prepared. I made some ice with magic.
BEELZEBUB
Pant, pant. Marry me and let Falfa and Shalsha be my real children…
AZUSA
Let’s cool your forehead until you come back to your senses, okay? I see that even under the effects of the love potion, you’re still after my daughters…
BEELZEBUB
S-so cold! Please do not treat me so roughly…!
Azusa pulls out even more ice from nowhere.
AZUSA
That didn’t seem to be enough, so here’s some more.
BEELZEBUB
That’s so cold! So, so, so cold! Ah-choo! Oh dear, what have I done…? I mixed up the amounts of bab nuts and hacko herbs…
AZUSA
See? It’s just one thing after another today. We’ll start over.
BEELZEBUB
A-aye… My apologies…
AZUSA – NARRATION
Afterward, we remade the curreh and got it all on the table, ready for dinner.
SCENE 8
AZUSA
All right, here’s dinner for today! Dip your bread in and eat up. There’s a lot of tasty morsels inside!
Sounds of munching on bread.
LAIKA
Ohh! What an exciting flavor! I’ve never tasted anything like this before. It feels as though my eyes have been opened!
AZUSA
I suppose it did turn out pretty spicy.
HALKARA
Ahhh! A strong drink would go wonderfully with this!
AZUSA
You think this would go well with booze…? Are you sure you’re not just fishing for reasons to drink?
Sounds of munching on bread.
FALFA
This is super yummy! Thank you, Big Sis Beelzebub!
SHALSHA
Shalsha can eat as much bread as she likes. And the vegetables are well seasoned, so Shalsha doesn’t mind them.
AZUSA
Oh yeah. Kids love curry.
BEELZEBUB
Not curry. Curreh.
AZUSA
Sure. Curreh. Okay.
FALFA
Falfa wants to eat this for a whole week!
BEELZEBUB
Is that so? Then I shall make it so just for you, Falfa.
AZUSA
Don’t you have work tomorrow?
BEELZEBUB
Ah. I do… I must go to work…
AZUSA
Life is hard when you have a job, huh?
BEELZEBUB
Mmm, perhaps I shall come over on my next day off to make curreh…
AZUSA – NARRATION
Once Beelzebub had her curreh, she went back to the demon lands. All I had to do was wash the dishes.
HALKARA
Madam Teacher, may I have a moment?
AZUSA
Hmm? What’s wrong, Halkara? Did you eat too much curreh?
HALKARA
I think there was a chunk of spices in my portion of the curreh… Ever since I ate it, my body feels very hot…
Halkara sidles up to Azusa.
AZUSA
…I have a bad feeling about this. Hold on a second—I’m going to make ice with my magic.
HALKARA
Madam Teacher, my body burns… I can’t take it anymore!
AZUSA
No! You have to hold it in! This is definitely because of the spices!
HALKARA
Madam Teacher, could you please lick me?
AZUSA
No way! This is too much… Next time, we’re making curry without any extra spices!
The End
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