3
Having somehow driven off the Sand King, the general mood is now funeral-level gloomy.
“Gaaaah! We lost again! Hey, I need more beer over here!”
I gulp down a cold one in the hideout’s cafeteria.
When I hold out my empty stein to the agent in front of the beer tap, he dismissively waves me off.
“It’s free! Pour it yourself! Dammit, getting attacked like this over and over again is getting really old!”
We could go out to the town, but in the Kisaragi-operated cafeteria, employees can eat and drink for free, and in the evening, we get all-you-can-drink beer.
It’s generally an awful place to work, but this is one of the nice perks of the job.
Since an agent’s body is their most important asset, they always make sure to feed us properly, if nothing else.
“Boff, I luff Kifaragi. I get to eef fo muff effry day!”
Though her cheeks are filled to the brim, Rose is all smiles. After telling her about the employee cafeteria, she can usually be found here when she’s not in Viper’s office.
“You know, sometimes I envy how happy you get just from eating. When I invite Grimm here from time to time, she always says, ‘I’d prefer somewhere more romantic! I don’t wanna go to some cheap cafeteria or bar! And a food truck is out of the question!’ Then she throws a tantrum.”
“Well, Grimm’s originally from a rich merchant family. Since she comes from money, it makes sense she’d want to go somewhere nice for a date.”
Despite being from money, she sometimes shows her true colors.
Speaking of said Grimm, she’s currently “resting” on the altar.
According to Rose, this last death was pretty serious, and it’ll take a while for her to revive.
Since she was actually pretty useful against the Sand King, her absence is going to suck, but there’s nothing we can do about it.
“You know, Grimm did well today, so I wouldn’t mind taking her somewhere nice. But Alice told me to stay at the hideout since we have something to do in the morning. I guess I’ll drink with these losers tonight.”
“Who the hell are you calling losers, asshole? You were the one getting in everyone’s way, remember?”
“Hrmph! You still can’t request anything because you don’t have any Evil Points, but your attitude hasn’t changed one bit. If you crawl around and bark like a dog, I might just be willing to let you order something that costs ten points or less!”
I punch my mouthy colleague in the face, then get on the ground and bark.
“Whoo, I can buy a new game now! I was getting sick of that shitty one anyway. Starting tomorrow, I’ll finally be able to play something else.”
As I happily gulp down my beer, Viper, who has been quietly eating next to me, looks up.
“…Um, you aren’t going to play the usual game?”
“Hmm? Well, it kinda sucks. It’s my boss’s anyway. That should’ve been enough of a sign that I wouldn’t enjoy it too much, but meh… What’s wrong, Vi? Do you like that game?”
Viper seems sad when I ask her this, but in response, she only shakes her head.
“No, it’s not that I liked the game, but—”
Just as she tries to say something…
“Well, well, well. What do we have here? A super-cute girl, by the looks. You know where you are, missy? Well, do ya?”
“Heh-heh, stop spending all your time with Six and come pour our drinks for us.”
I forget what numbers they are, but the Combat Agents who saved me from the Sand King sit down next to Viper.
“Pour your drinks? But you two seem to be drinking things that don’t need to be poured… Um, should I bring you something I can pour?”
As Viper stands to fetch them more alcohol instead of rejecting them or chewing them out, my colleagues start to panic.
“Oh, um, no, please don’t do that, Ms. Viper! That was just our way of saying hi!”
“I’m really sorry about that. I’m fine with beer. No need to trouble yourself, Ms. Viper.”
The two of them are immediately flustered by Viper’s earnest response.
“Vi’s a little too serious for jokes like that to work. What the hell are you guys doing here anyway? Don’t turn this into a sausage fest.”
As I try to shoo them away, they turn to me, faces red with anger.
“What’s your problem?! Did you forget what you promised us when we saved you from the Sand King?!”
“Remember? Bianca? You said you’d introduce us to a girl you met at the bar!”
Oh, right, I did make that promise.
“Oh, sure, but I want to drink here tonight, so let’s do that tomorrow.”
“Really? Cool. We figured you’d complain, but you’re weirdly chill today!”
“She better not come with a ton of baggage. Please don’t…let her be like Grimm.”
They seem suspicious at how easily I agreed.
“Nah, she’s a really good girl. She’s the most popular hostess at the kingdom of Grace’s cross-dressing club.”
I dodge their fists and drop into a fighting stance with a fork.
“What the hell are you two doing?! Have you lost your minds?!”
“Don’t play dumb! Why are you acting like you don’t get why we’re pissed off?!”
“You’re the one who’s messed up in the head! ‘Bianca’ my ass!”
With the two of them screaming at me for no discernable reason, I try to figure out how to diffuse the situation.
“U-um, Mr. Six… That does seem a bit underhanded…”
Viper then turns to the other two.
“I can’t replace Ms. Bianca, but if you don’t mind, I can pour your drinks for you…”
“Wh-what should we do? What do we do?”
“I do want her to do that, but that’d make us worse than Six! …Fine. We’ll let you go this time, Six, but only because Ms. Viper’s such a sweetheart.”
Suddenly, they’re forgiving me for some reason, but since I don’t know why they were angry in the first place, I’m not happy with the outcome.
As I’m thinking of ways to get them back later, the other agents, having watched the previous scene, gather around us.
“As nice as you are, you’re gonna end up being conned by some evil men. Men like us! Watch out for Six in particular. He’s the kinda guy who’s always adding new women to his harem.”
“Oh, and in Kisaragi, sexual assault is strictly prohibited. If Six tries to do something weird to you, tell him, I’ll say you tried to rape me! Heh-heh, if there wasn’t that sort of rule, I definitely wouldn’t leave you alone, heh-heh-heh-heh!”
As I’m thinking about how best to punish the minions filling Viper’s head with weird ideas, she drops a bombshell.
“…? Oh, but as I’ve already confirmed with Mr. Six, I’ve made my peace with being treated that way if it means my people will be accepted as refugees…”
The room goes so silent that the only sound anyone can hear is Rose stuffing her face.
Eventually, an agent starts working their comm unit…
“I need to report this to Lady Astaroth…”
“Noooo, don’t do that! It’s not like that, I swear! I’m innocent! Vi’s the one who came out and said that, totally unprompted!”
As I desperately try to stop my colleague from ratting me out, the others eye me suspiciously.
“Y-you’re a shitty excuse for a man and a waste of oxygen, but I thought even you had lines you wouldn’t cross…”
“We haven’t done anything yet, I swear! I haven’t even sexually harassed her because I feel like she’d just go along with anything I tried! She’s a good girl! Even I pick my targets!”
“Lying bastard! You have a beautiful girl saying she’d accept anything done to her, and we’re supposed to believe you just left it at that?! You always have pervy thoughts on the brain! At least a third of your time on any given day is spent thinking about that stuff!”
I might actually spend a bit more than that thinking of perverted things, but that little detail definitely doesn’t help clear my name.
Turning to Viper, I try to plead my case.
“Vouch for me, Vi! I haven’t done anything, right?! I haven’t even verbally harassed you yet, right? Right?”
“Y-yes, Mr. Six hasn’t done anything. It’s true. All Mr. Six does is lie on the sofa in my office and play video games while I’m working. In fact, he often asks me to help him solve in-game puzzles. I even receive invitations to set aside my work so I can play with him…”
Despite her attempts to bail me out, Vi’s not helping much.
At that moment, my colleague accomplishes his objective and looks quite pleased with himself.
“’Kay, I’ve sent my report to headquarters. Mission complete.”
“Oh dear god, what have you done?! I’ve been trying to tell you! I’m innocent! I mean, I’m sorry I haven’t been working that hard, but if I try to do anything, Alice accuses me of getting in the way and tells me to go play!”
My colleagues surround Viper as if to protect her…
“Ms. Viper, has he done anything awful to you? Your outfit’s missing a sleeve. Is he bullying you?”
“If it’s something you can’t tell us, make sure you report it to Alice. She might occasionally be useless, but she’s super strict with that sort of thing.”
“No, he really hasn’t done anything to me…! Also, this outfit never had a sleeve there. There’s a reason for that, actually…”
While Viper attempts to salvage my honor, I can’t help but raise the question.
“I’ve always wondered about the missing sleeve. Is it just your unique sense of fashion, Vi?”
“O-oh, n-no. You see, whenever I unleash a full-strength Demon Lord Punch, the sleeve gets blasted away, so I stopped wearing one on my dominant arm.”
…
The fearsome words of a Demon Lord plunge the room back into silence.
“See? I tried to tell you guys. I really haven’t done anything. Demon Lords are super strong, and I don’t have the balls to trying anything weird with someone like that…”
At my soft admission, my colleagues look away.
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