2
Even on this alien planet, the sun still sets.
Grasping the fencing on the hideout rooftop and gazing out over the wastelands as the sun sets over the horizon, Lilith speaks in a solemn murmur.
“Alice, can you get me some coffee? No need for sugar. Just hot and black.”
“Huh? Get it yourself. Who the hell do you think you are?”
……
“Hold up, Alice! Your attitude’s getting even worse!”
“I’m just taking after my creator.”
“There’s no way that’s true! Sure, I can be passive-aggressive, but I don’t throw barbs like that! Can you please just get me some coffee?! Please just fulfill a simple request from your parent, for once!”
At Lilith’s pained shriek, Alice twists her face into an irritated grimace despite supposedly being an android and ploddingly goes off to make some coffee.
After spending a few moments getting her ragged breathing under control, Lilith looks up as though she’s regained a measure of composure.
“…Sorry about that, Six. I didn’t mean for you to see that embarrassing display.”
“Wait, how was that any different from usual?”
Seems she wants to play this out as a serious scene, but she’s just not the boss for this sort of thing.
Reading the mood, I keep any further comments to myself and also turn my gaze to the setting sun.
“Ever since I got to this planet, nothing has gone right.”
Lilith seems to be muttering half to herself and half to me.
Ordinarily, the self-proclaimed genius is pride made manifest, but looking out over the woods and wastelands spreading out below, she’s having one of her rare moments of weakness.
“What’s wrong, Lady Lilith? Usually, you don’t care what anyone says to you. You’ll just pick your nose as their words go in one ear and out the other. This isn’t like you.”
“I’ve been wondering this for a while, but I want to know what you Combat Agents really think of me… Actually, no, never mind. Considering my usual behavior, it’s probably best not to listen to that. There are times when even I get hurt, you know.”
At least she has enough self-awareness to know she probably won’t like what she hears.
“I came to this planet, fully expecting to solve all its problems, and yet…everything I try to do here seems to go wrong. Based on my original plans, I should be preparing to burn the competition’s castle to the ground and drag Six back to Earth…”
“You know I’m not going home anytime soon, right? My Evil Points are still in the red. If I go back now, I’m gonna get snatched up by the punishment squad.”
…At that, Lilith looks at me quizzically.
“…Huh, Alice hasn’t told you yet? I was going to help you pay off your Evil Point debt.”
……
“Huh? Seriously, Lady Lilith? Wait, I didn’t even know you could trade Evil Points.”
As I lean forward at that piece of news, Lilith breaks out in a malicious smile.
“What are you talking about? Obviously, you can’t trade Evil Points. I’m going to help you pay off your debt by helping you commit an act of villainy big enough that you’ll be able to come home.”
…Oh great, another harebrained scheme.
My exasperation must have shown, because Lilith lets out a dry chuckle and shrugs.
“I know what you’re thinking: that you’re not capable of doing something that evil. But remember, Six, even as you’re playing around here, you’ve got people on Earth eagerly awaiting your return… Yes. Friends who care much more about your well-being than any number of cross-dressing Chimeras, gold-digging knights, and hot-mess cultists ever could.”
Lilith’s probably talking about my two other bosses.
My beloved bosses, who’ve dragged me along over the years since Kisaragi’s founding, despite the fact that I’m not all that powerful. They’ve stuck with me through all of it and refused to abandon me.
I mean, in all honesty, I really do just want to go back to Earth.
Even with the hideout’s completion, this is hardly an ideal quality of life.
While I’m stuck on this rock, I need to spend Evil Points just to buy a porn mag, and there’s no TV or manga here.
If I go back to Earth, there won’t be women devouring orc meat in front of me, and I won’t have to be overly cautious every time I order skewered meat off the street.
But…
“I appreciate the thought, but who would take over for me? Tiger Man loves fighting on the front lines, while the other Combat Agents are all idiots.”
“I mean, considering that you, the dumbest of all the Combat Agents, have lasted this long, I’m sure the next person will be fine. Besides, we’ll be leaving Alice on this world. So long as she’s around, it doesn’t matter who takes over for you.”
…Wait, what?
“Seriously? But if Alice stays here, who’ll take care of me? I need her to do things like keep track of my allowance.”
“Y-you know, you should be doing that sort of thing on your own. You’re a grown man… Still, considering how much you two bickered when we first sent you out here, you seem to have gotten pretty close.”
With that, she flashes a teasing smile…
“Yeah…does Alice even know about this?”
“Of course. She raised quite a fuss when I told her I’d be dragging you home. It doesn’t seem like she’s fully come to terms with it yet.”
Hearing those words, I feel a sense of relief that Alice doesn’t consider me unnecessary and isn’t eager to send me back.
Well, in that case.
“I’m sorry. I appreciate the thought, but I’d like to stay on this planet a bit longer.”
“No.”
……
“Are the Heroes back on Earth really becoming that much of a problem? Is it really gonna take Kisaragi’s ace in the hole, yours truly, to come save the day?”
“I honestly have no idea what’s going on in that head of yours. I—I mean, sure, we need as many Combat Agents as we can get our hands on, but…there’s a different reason for recalling you.”
Lilith turns to me and stares intently into my eyes.
“…Combat Agent Six, you’ve gotten weaker since you’ve come here, haven’t you? You’ve gotten so used to this easy life that you’ve forgotten you’re an operative for an evil organization, haven’t you?”
I feel like Lilith’s peering straight into my soul, and I can’t look away.
It’s then that I remember something Alice said when we first got here.
“It’s probably less that the Supreme Leaders are pinching pennies and more the fact that they want you to commit acts of villainy. Start small, gradually work up to bigger acts of evil, and end up a proper Supreme Leader candidate,” or something like that.
…Dammit.
“…Why are you looking at me like that, Lady Lilith? You want me to smooch you that badly?”
“…Ha, like you’d have the stones… No, no, I’m sorry. I lied. You look like you really might do it! I forgot that, for things like this, you actually do follow through on threats. I’m sorry! Forgive me!”
Seeing my serious expression, Lilith lets loose a stream of apologies.
“…Still, Six, you really have gotten weaker since you’ve been here… No, that’s not quite right. It’s not that you’re weaker. You’ve just gone soft…”
……
“What are you going on about, Lady Lilith? You’ve seen how harsh this planet’s environment is. I mean, you’re one to talk, considering you freaked out over an angel and are so worried about a Demon Lord that you’re trying to run home to avoid fighting him!”
“Sh-shut up! There’s nothing wrong with me doing that, since I’m the brainy sort! But you’re a Combat Agent. Your only value is in your combat ability!”
Lilith smacks the fence in irritation, then reaches for my head.
“I’ll just go ahead and say it. Everyone’s waiting for you to come back to Earth. To see you come back stronger after surviving this rough environment. But what the hell is with your recent reports? All those soft, sweet ramblings!”
Lilith grabs my head and begins roughly tussling my hair, letting out all the frustration that’s built up during our time apart.
“What the hell are you doing, making a harem out on this nothing planet? How could you let some random new floozies control you like that? I come here thinking you’re working hard, and instead, I find you staring up the skirt of a cross-dressing Chimera, getting uncomfortably close with Boobzilla, and then to top it all off, you’re engaged! We told you to investigate the planet and then conquer it! Never once did we mention anything about conquering women instead!”
“Lady Lilith, I find your accusation of me being close to Boobzilla insulting.”
I interjected because I couldn’t let that point go uncontested, but Lilith’s anger shows no signs of subsiding.
“Shut up! It’s time for you to listen to me! …We were all hoping that if we tossed you into a harsh environment, you’d go from still being a half-decent person deep down to a proper villain…”
My useless boss keeps hold of the fence with one hand, standing on tiptoe to shove my head with the other.
“The hell are you doing, flirting with random women while everyone’s busy fighting on Earth?! We’ve known you longer than they have, so stop talking like you plan to take up permanent residence on this planet! You’re our flunky, not theirs!”
……
What am I supposed to do this with annoying tsundere boss?
After sending me out, the moment I start settling in here, they demand I come back.
It’s not like they’re gonna pamper me when I get back to Earth.
What a pain.
These people are such a handful…
But…
“I’m sorry, Lady Lilith. It’s true; I’ve enjoyed my time on this planet. But let me at least say this…”
Just as I’m about to say something important to Lilith, standing there on the verge of tears…
“Hey, you, Lady Horndog. How dare you send me off to fetch you coffee while you’re here flirting!”
““Wait, this isn’t what it looks like!””
Despite having nothing to hide, Lilith and I respond in unison.
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