Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 4 - Chapter 1.2

2 

The next day. 

“Please send Lady Lilith.” 

“Whaaa—?! M-me?!” 

As we request reinforcements from Kisaragi headquarters, Lilith’s shock echoes from beyond the communications monitor. 

Yes, the one I want is Lilith the Black. 

The mad scientist who sent me to this planet without any preliminary testing whatsoever. 

“Why would you be so surprised, ma’am? You’re a scientist, and considering we’re on a largely unexplored planet, I figured that’d make you the best candidate.” 

“Well, sure, I’m the obvious pick if you put it that way! I’m definitely the most logical choice, but still!” 

Ordinarily, Lilith is one of those shady characters who could fill a person with dread with a smile alone, but something’s off about her today. 

“Oh, I wanted to ask. Is something wrong with Lady Astaroth? Things seem a little hectic over there.” 

“This is all your fault! W-wait, Astaroth! Calm down!” 

On the other side of the monitor, a teary-eyed Astaroth grabs Lilith by the shoulders and shakes her back and forth. 

Lilith eventually regains her composure and looks up at me through the monitor. 

“Six, are you sure I’m the right choice? When it comes to combat, both Astaroth and Belial are stronger than me, and…” 

Pulling a stunt this close to a scam on someone as serious as Astaroth would easily land me a one-way ticket to hell. On the other hand, Belial is actually such a sweetheart deep down that I can’t bring myself to scam her. 

“Well, even Combat Agents like us can go toe-to-toe with the enemy leadership, meaning any of our Supreme Leaders can handle them with ease. We’re counting on you, Lady Lilith.” 

Hearing that, Lilith’s expression lights up, and she scratches at the back of her head a bit shyly. 

“Well, if you put it that way, Six, I guess I have no choice! Sorry, Belial, Astaroth. You know Six and I are gaming buddies, so that’s probably the reason. Mm-hmm. I’m not gloating, honest. I’ll bring you two back some really great souvenirs!” 

“Say, Six, are you sure you want Lilith? Also, about eighty percent of your letters make no sense; could you clarify…?” 

“Six! How ya doin’? We’ve got some new recruits lately! They go on about weird things like Chosen Ones and Demon Lords—bet you’d get along with them! I’ll introduce you when you get back!” 

As the three of them crowd the monitor, I can’t help but curl my lips into a forced smile at the familiarity of it all. 

“I’m glad you all seem to be doing well. For now, this is the Kisaragi Corporation Grace Kingdom branch, eagerly awaiting Lady Lilith’s arrival—signing off!” 

I straighten my posture and snap off a salute to the monitor. 

Ten minutes later. 

A voice verging on a scream rings out through the park that’s housing our temporary hideout. 

“What do you mean, there’s no hideout?! Could you run that by me again?!” 

The voice belongs to a beautiful girl dressed in a lab coat, her black hair in a bob. 

It’s the Kisaragi Corporation’s antisocial princess, who we were chatting with over the monitor just a few minutes ago. 

“We’re not exactly living in luxury here, either. I mean, we finished construction on the hideout and ended up back in our tents a day later. Can you get HQ to send us some mobile trailers, at least?” 

“Waaaait a minute, tents?! I’m a Supreme Leader! The Kisaragi Corporation controls the majority of Earth, and I’m one of its head honchos! Me, one of the greatest inventors of the age! You expect me to live in a tent?!” 

It would have been one thing when Kisaragi was still a poor, little evil start-up. Given that she now lives in a mansion with a swimming pool in the middle of the city, though, Lilith’s a little too pampered to accept tent life. 

“Tents aren’t the worst part of it. Our living conditions here are practically medieval. Like, get this: Some idiot sold off all our toilet paper because it’s apparently really valuable here.” 

The idiot in question is Snow, who’s been living in our camp ever since she got evicted for not paying her rent. 

“Wha…? Seriously…?! Then what’s the toilet situation here? Are there no bidets?!” 

“Latrines are more or less standard, but depending on the circumstances, we just dig a hole and bury our business.” 

Still, Lilith’s a battle-hardened Supreme Leader of an evil organization. 

Just because she’s sampled the sweet taste of luxury doesn’t mean she’s against some rough living here and there… 

“NOOOOOOOO! I’m leaving! I’m going back to Earth! No hideout…that means no AC, right?! No PCs and no video games, no TV, and no Internet?! I’ll miss the Sunday episode of Magical Girl Puikyua !” 

“We don’t get broadcasts, so having a TV wouldn’t have helped anyway. Could you maybe make do with the fact that we’ve got real, live Magical Girls here? As for going home, well, without a hideout, there’s also no way to use a teleporter to get back to Earth.” 

The color drains from Lilith, and she freezes. 

Wait, I thought she came here as backup. She’s acting like she’s here on vacation. 

“Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, you bastard! I should’ve known something was up when you specifically asked for me! What a letdown! This is a scam! A SCAM, I TELL YOU!” 

…So that’s how it’s gonna be? Whiny little brat. 

“Oh, so you’re the victim now, eh, tomboy? If we’re talking about scamming, you’re the one who started this damned cycle! I haven’t forgotten that you zapped me over here without any explanation or so much as a safety test! Oh, right, you were supposed to let me grope you as compensation!” 

“Wha…?! W-wait just a minute there, Six. My theories made it clear the teleporter was safe…! And I don’t remember promising you that! And I apologized! I already apologized!” 

Seeing my sudden anger, Lilith cuts short her whining, backing away from me. 

“And then there’s all those fake promises you made to encourage me, like stuff about a planet where everyone loves me without question, a planet where the beauty standards make me a stud, or a planet where I’m the only man! And then of course you just neglected to mention that it’d take a month to assemble the teleporter and stabilize the connection!” 

“Wh-what? I didn’t say anything like that! That wasn’t my pitch! …W-wait…assembling the teleporter and stabilizing the connection…takes a month…?” 

The color further drains from Lilith’s face, going from blue to paper-white. 

Seems she’s finally realized her situation. 

“That’s right. We have to assemble one from scratch, so it’ll take at least a month for you to be able to teleport. Therefore, Lady Lilith, no matter how much you cry, no matter how big a tantrum you throw, you still won’t be home any earlier than a month from now.” 

“IDONWANNAAAAAAA!! DONWANNNNAAAAAAAA!!” 

“H-hey, you’re still one of Kisaragi’s Supreme Leaders! Please don’t pitch a fit out in public. It’s embarrassing! I mean, people are starting to stare.” 

Passersby are starting to glance over at Lilith from off in the distance as she leans against both my arms and sobs hysterically. 

Why is it she’s so useful when it comes to brainy things but so useless in everyday life? 

I’m glad we sent Grimm home before calling in reinforcements. 

I can’t very well expose a subordinate to one of my bosses throwing a tantrum. 

“Now please calm down and send in a request for some trailers. Hell, even basic amenities would be fine now. No doubt you’d like to avoid the tent life, too, right, Lady Lilith?” 

“Obviously, I don’t wanna live in a tent, but… Six, I won’t forget that you lied to me. You’re getting court-martialed the moment I get back to Earth.” 

Lilith stands, taking her device in hand with a sour expression. 

“If it comes to that, I’ll be sure to take you down with me. Betcha didn’t know I’m aware of all the stuff you bought with the money you claimed was for ‘research and development.’” 

“Six, let’s make sure our trailer home is top-of-the-line. And let’s get you guys some luxuries. We’ll say it’s for all the hard work the Combat Agents have put in. How about some top-shelf champagne, huh? Huh?” 

“Now that’s the sort of quick decision-making we admire you for, Lady Lilith! We Combat Agents will follow you to the ends of this planet!” 

As I rub my hands together, Lilith sends her order through her device with a faintly satisfied expression. 

“Now, now, Six, flattery will only get you some high-priced champagne and snacks. Heh-heh, just make sure you give me all tens on the next internal survey.” 

The survey is basically a popularity contest within Kisaragi. 

It’s published each month in the company newsletter and has a ranking of the most admired mutants and Supreme Leaders. 

It’s supposed to provide encouragement to the ranks, but at the moment, it’s just a way for the high-ranked mutants and Supreme Leaders to gain favor in their struggle for dominance. 

“Leave it to me. You’ll be my pick for Ideal Boss, Most Admired Agent, and Top BILF.” 

“This is the first I’m hearing of that third category… I’m guessing the B in BILF stands for boss ? Who the hell came up with that anyway? You don’t need to vote for me for that one… Hmm. Instead of a trailer and champagne, they just sent a piece of paper.” 

A single sheet of paper arrives in front of Lilith and flutters to the ground. 

I lean over to pick it up and read its contents. 

“Let’s see. ‘Trailers are too big to fit into the teleporter, so we can’t send them. As for the luxury items expensed to the company, we’ve been instructed by Lady Astaroth to simply say ‘piss off’’…Lady Lilith, are you sure you’re actually one of the Supreme Leaders?” 

“Whhhhhyyyyy?! They were able to disassemble the Destroyer and send it in piece by piece! And don’t you think ‘piss off’ is a little too mean? Geez!” Lilith grabs the paper from my hands, confirming the message before lashing out at me. 

“Perhaps it means they consider a trailer nonessential equipment, so it’s not worth the time to disassemble like the Destroyer?” 

“…B-but I’m one of the Supreme Leaders… I’m still one of the top Supreme Leaders…” 

Lilith falls silent in shock, and Alice arrives as I’m trying to cheer her up. 

“Yo, Six, how’d it go? We get the things we wanted from Lady Lilith?” 

“Oh, hey, Alice. Nope, didn’t work, just like you said. Seems Lady Lilith is a lot more useless than I thought.” 

“Wha—?!” 

After hearing my exchange with Alice, Lilith comes out of her trance and sharply glances up. 

“Told ya. Lady Lilith’s an idiot savant. Unlike the other two Supreme Leaders, I figured most of her requests would get denied.” 

“Seriously? Didn’t know they thought so little of her. What a disappointment! To think I admired her…” 

“Hold on just a minute, you two! You’re still talking about your superior here!” 

Well, I guess, but c’mon. 

“Sorry! But I’m an evil minion, after all!” 

“Sorry! But I’m an evil android, after all!” 

“I know I’m the one who built you that way, but you’re REALLY annoying when you say that just like Six!” 

Lilith speaks through gritted teeth as the two of us straighten and snap off a salute. 

“That’s because you used Six’s samples for my personality matrix. I’ve always wanted to chew out Lady Lilith for that!” 

Wait…what? 

“Whoa, wait, what the hell? That’s news to me. When did you take a sample of my brain?” 

“Don’t be stupid—well, stupid er than usual. We wouldn’t take samples from your broken brain. That would’ve just made me an empty-headed moron. But I was constructed to be your support android, which means my personality was designed specifically to match yours by analyzing your actions and personality patterns.” 

Uh-huh, right. I still don’t get it. 

“So basically, that means you’re tailored to coddle me?” 

“Your guess isn’t even in the same neighborhood, but let’s just go with that. To put it in a way you understand, though, my bad attitude is modeled on yours.” 

Oh, c’mon… 

“Lady Lilith, my attitude’s not nearly as bad as Alice’s, is it? I’m actually kind of hurt to be told I’m similar to this dry, cynical, and merciless hunk of metal!” 

“Yeah? That’s my line! Time for a change of sample! Gimme a new one!” 

“The more you two talk, the more you sound like a pair of siblings. But you know…” 

Seems Lilith’s regained her calm as she takes a fresh assessment of her surroundings. 

“So this is the alien planet. All those reports you two sent definitely piqued my curiosity. I admit I’m having trouble containing my excitement in spite of myself.” 

Lilith takes several deep breaths, as though confirming the oxygen levels, and looks around with shimmering eyes. 

“It’s a little hard buying your whole scientist shtick after watching you bawl like a toddler just minutes ago.” 

“Q-quiet, Six! This is supposed to be a memorable moment—don’t ruin it with your commentary!” 

Lilith gazes up at the sky, her cheeks faintly flushed, and begins a long monologue. 

“Do you understand how many generations of humanity have gazed up at the stars, dreaming of setting foot on distant new worlds? Have you ever imagined O-Parts so far beyond human technology that they’re like magic? Did you cower as a child imagining invasions by people from deep underground, from the sea, or even Mars?” 

“Hey, Alice, check this out. You can’t flood anthills on this planet. Watch… When you pour water down them like this, they’ll block it with a leaf and start bailing the water out.” 

“Pretty damn impressive for ants. Here, if you survive my pebble attacks, I’ll reward you all with sugar cubes.” 

As Lilith rambles on, Alice and I turn our attention to poking an anthill. Lilith quickly joins us, squatting down nearby. 

“Fascinating…they’ve got a room filled with leaves to use as a barricade in emergencies. Alice, pebble attacks will just force them to hole up in their nest, leaving us without options. We should capture one for observation and figure out their habits.” 

“Understood. Let’s grab this one; it looks like the strongest.” 

Anyone else would probably be angry that we’d stopped listening to them, but Lilith’s endless curiosity means she’s easily distracted by something novel. 

That day, after trying to engage in a long, philosophical discussion, Lilith instead acquired three notebooks full of information about attacking anthills, played some cards in a tent, had some of Russell’s curry, then happily went to bed.