Combatants Will Be Dispatched - Volume 2 - Chapter SS

SPECIAL CROSSOVER SHORT STORY 

“God’s Blessing on This 

Wonderful Planet!” 

“October 3, 0200 hours. Safely landed upon surface of target planet. Discovered lighting during descent. Will move to investigate.” 

Safely arriving on the planet, I record my observations into my device, glancing around my surroundings. The plains stretch as far as the eye can see; this area seems well suited for human habitation. 

Confident that this mission will be easy, I let my guard down—and that’s when it strikes. 

“Planet has ample water and plant life. It appears to be ideal for human— Whoa!” 

The ground suddenly bulges outward, and a giant toad pops out of the ground. 

There’s no reason I couldn’t eliminate this creature, but if I leave it here, the natives might find it. If they suspect there’s something in the area strong enough to kill this giant life-form, it’s likely to put them on edge. 

“Goddammit! I can’t believe an elite like me has to run from a mere toad…!” 

I didn’t expect to be running away minutes after making landfall. I may need to take this planet more seriously. 

I need to forget about my earlier mistake and move on—return to my usual calm, cool self. No matter what happens on this planet, I’ll keep my head and stay on guard. 

“Encountered a hostile giant toad immediately after landing! As this is a survey mission, decided it would be more prudent to conduct a tactical retreat! Reporting Recorder: Agent Twenty-Two!” 

And so began my life upon this awful rock— 

“October 17, 0600 hours. About to head to the construction site for work.” 

Waking inside a barn, I speak to my device, starting my day’s recording. 

It’s been two weeks since I arrived on this planet. 

Learning the local language was a bit tricky, but it wasn’t a great obstacle for an elite like myself. 

Life here is going pretty well. In fact, due to the lack of entertainment, my day-to-day routine consists of waking up early and going to bed early, engaging in healthy manual labor each day. The simplicity of this life makes me rethink my priorities on Earth. 

I’m struggling to come to grips with the fact there’s no difference between my Kisaragi salary and my part-time job here as a construction worker. 

Back on Earth, people used to run in terror at the mere sight of me, but no one in this city seems to mind. According to my colleagues, it’s pretty common for black-haired, black-eyed people with strange names and wearing funny clothing to suddenly spring out of thin air in this city. 

As I’m busily repairing the outer wall, like any other day, an unfamiliar young woman calls over to me. 

“Hey there. Let me show you how it’s done!” 

The blue-haired woman appears out of nowhere, then begins an impressive demonstration of her wall-painting skills. 

“…Say, is that blue-haired girl a master crafter?” 

“Hmm? No, the maintenance chief is a part-timer. She comes by when she needs spending money.” 

The workers around her greet the young woman, all of them calling her the maintenance chief. She seems pleased at the welcome. But why “chief,” of all things…? 

Still, it appears that on this planet, even girls working part-time have an impressive array of skills. 

My initial survey suggested the technology level on this planet was low, but it looks like I have to rethink that assessment. 

—It was at that moment. 

“Chief! The wall’s collapsed, and we’ve got wounded! Need you to go heal ’em.” 

It appears there was an accident, and the crew boss shouts out for help. 

“Sacred Highness Heal!” 

I hear the chief chanting something and look over to her. In the blink of an eye, the wounded are healed. 

I stare at the impossible scene before me. 

“Geez! Like I always say, double-check to make sure everything’s secure! Sheesh!” 

“Sorry about that, Chief. Thanks for your help, as usual! I owe you a crimson beer!” 

The recovered workers walk up to thank the chief… 

Hold on a minute. Given the miracle I just witnessed, a pint of beer seems like an awfully cheap reward! 

But based on the chief’s happy expression, it’s more than enough for a thank-you. 

Seems our maintenance chief will fix up people for a cheap pint of beer. Something’s wrong with this planet’s medical care. 

“October 24, 2300 hours. Hereby initiating Evil Point acquisition.” 

I’ve been here for three weeks now. 

I learned the instant healing I saw last week was magic. It sounds like something out of a fantasy novel, but I can’t deny it, having seen it for myself. 

Today I’m going to put the talk of magic off to the side and try to replenish some of my Evil Points. I’ll start out with some acts of petty villainy, and if things get out of hand, I can solve that with violence. 

Once I make my decision, I head out. As I’m wandering around town, I earn points by doing things like flipping over trash cans. 

“You. What are you doing! Stop making a mess of the dump sites. You’re going to get in trouble with the Crow Slayer!” 

A beautiful blond-haired, blue-eyed woman dressed in a slutty suit worthy of a naughty schoolteacher tries to stop me. 

“Crow…? What the hell are you talking about? As for trouble, well, you’re the one in trouble now. What’s a woman doing alone at this late an hour? Heh… I’ll make you regret your lack of caution…!” 

“Wh-what? How dare you!” 

I was just planning to threaten her a little, but instead of fear, all I see from her is surprise. Since I’m not getting any Evil Points, I can rule out the possibility that she feels threatened in any fashion. 

“I didn’t think there were any men like that left in the city! I don’t know what you’re planning to do to me, but I’ve already decided that I’ll only ever let one man do such things to me!” 

“Heh-heh… I wonder what sort of expressions I’ll see if I drag you in front of your man and strip you naked… Whoa, wait, stop blushing! What’s wrong with you?” 

The mysterious beauty’s cheeks flush red, and she starts squirming for some reason. “Th-that—that’s because you started proposing some advanced cuckolding play! There might have been a time I’d have been tempted, but I’m not so easily seduced, villain!” 

“Wow, what the hell is wrong with you? Is this culture shock or something?” I mean, I know values are different between countries, but is this what passes for normal on this planet…? 

“I can’t leave a late-stage pervert like you to roam the streets unchecked! Go on, make your move! I’ll capture you! Don’t even think of capturing me instead and dragging me in front of him!” 

“I don’t know why, but I think it’s really unfair for you to be calling me a late-stage pervert! This may be a cheap thing to do to a civilian like you, but I can’t have Kisaragi being treated so disrespectfully! Time for a nap, girl!” 

I don’t need to have her causing a scene, so I punch in her the face, hoping to knock her out. The woman just stands there in silence. 

“Y-you…!” I shout. 

“……” 

Thinking I must have held back too much, I put all my strength behind a punch to her stomach. If she noticed it, the mysterious beauty gives no sign of it. 

If anything, she’s starting to look sad, as though disappointed by my attacks. 

“I’m leaving…,” I mutter under my breath, turning to go home with a frown. I was the attacker, but for some reason, my fist is hurting. Given that my punches didn’t earn me any Evil Points, it seems those attacks didn’t even register as villainy to the woman. 

Seems the reason there aren’t any guns on this planet might not be restricted to a lack of technology. 

I guess I need to revise my way of thinking. 

“October 31, 1000 hours. Today I will investigate magic.” 

I speak to my device and set out. 

While doing construction by the front gate, I noticed that in this city, adventurers were responsible for hunting. The target of these hunts were the giant toads I met on my first day here. 

As terrifying as it sounds, those giant predators are actually quite low on this planet’s food chain. 

And currently— 

“Attention everyone! We’re facing an overabundance of toads! We’re offering bonuses for bringing in toad parts!” 

The huge number of them that had spawned outside the city are being hunted down one after the other. 

The news makes my head hurt, but I’m trying to focus on learning about magic today. 

As I’m searching for a survey target, I see a young girl dressed in stereotypical mage clothing. 

“Yo, Megumin. I’ll give you candy if you’ll go hunt over there.” 

“Yeah, we’d appreciate it if you’d go far away.” 

The adventurers are shooing away the survey target, a girl evidently named Megumin. Given that they seem to be calling her by a nickname, it doesn’t seem like they’re doing it out of malice. 

I presume they’re treating her rather coldly because she’s still a fledgling mage. She does appear young, after all. 

“If you keep treating me poorly, you’re going to regret it later!” 

“Yeah, all right, whatever. Go ahead and cast your spell. What’s your guardian Kazuma doing anyway…?” 

If she has a guardian, that confirms my assumption that she’s still a novice. 

I watch the rather saccharine little scene with a faintly sour smile on my lips when— 

“Explooosion!” 

I freeze as I see the girl’s spell. 

A sudden, massive explosion incinerates the toads. 

“Well done. I’ll go ahead and carry you home. Sheesh, what the hell is Kazuma up to…?” 

“Hey! At least treat me with a little more respect!” 

The adventurers haul off the impressive girl as though she’s an inconvenient sack of luggage. 

Actually, based on how the others reacted, it might be that her spell isn’t all that impressive. The adventurers don’t seem fazed by the spell at all, continuing to hunt toads as though that blast is a daily occurrence. 

I guess that girl is still a fledgling, and the spell she used was a simple, low-level spell. 

I cancel the rest of my investigation and shudder, remembering that spell’s incredible blast. 

“November 7, 2000 hours. Commencing…” 

“You’ve come a long way for your spy mission. Impressive. Welcome.” 

A shiver runs up my spine. 

Instead of finishing the recording, I turn to face the man behind me. 

I had thought I’d concealed my actions well enough that even a dedicated observer wouldn’t realize I was a spy. 

“Oh dear. Panic and anxiety. Terrible emotions. Certainly not what I enjoy.” 

For whatever reason, no one in this city appears to have thought to ask why this tall man is wearing a mask. 

I don’t know how he found out about my mission, but now that he knows, he needs to be silenced. 

“It’s nothing personal…” Confirming there’s no one else around, I press my pistol to the man’s chest and—! 

“Ah, did you truly think you could hurt me with such a toy? Too bad! Not even a scratch!” 

I hit him near the heart, but the masked man breaks out in loud guffaws. 

You have got to be kidding me… This guy, that ridiculously tough woman—is everyone on this planet invincible? 

I’m supposed to be an elite combat operative. But this… 

Have I been deluding myself all this time? 

I stand there in stunned silence, my confidence shattered. The masked man doesn’t bother to hit back and just walks off instead. 

…What is the deal with this planet? 

“November 29, 0600 hours. Heading to the construction site for my part-time job…” 

It’s been two months since I arrived here. 

After picking up a few extra jobs around town, I’ve secured an inn room in lieu of a hideout and assembled a teleporter. All that remains is to wait for the teleporter to stabilize so I can make my way back to Japan. 

I lethargically make my way to the construction site. 

“Maintenance Chief, I got attacked by vegetables yesterday…” 

“Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. Let me know if you get hurt, and Chief will fix you right up. Be careful if you end up dying, though. There’s only a short window where I can resurrect you.” 

I’m grumbling about what happened yesterday at the farm to the blue-haired girl. 

Based on her reaction, the events from yesterday aren’t me losing my grip on sanity, but a common occurrence. 

Wait a minute. I’ve been so surprised these past couple of months that I totally let it go the first time, but it sounds like this girl can resurrect the dead so long as they haven’t been dead too long… 

“Chief, I wanted to ask… I heard the other day that this is a city for new adventurers?” 

“Yup, that’s right. Never mind that, why do you look so worn out? Did getting attacked by vegetables scare you? Let me give you a piece of advice. When you eat a tangerine, make sure you don’t get the juice in your eyes.” 

…I see. Even tangerines attack you here. Learn something new every day. I continue working, my eyes staring off into the distance as I file away that fact. 

“If life isn’t treating you well, feel free to come to me, the great goddess Aqua, for help. As your colleague, I’ll be happy to help you out. In exchange, I just need you to help me when I’m short on money.” 

“The great goddess, Lady Aqua…” 

Despite my attention wandering during the work day, for some reason those words were etched into my memory. 

This is Axel, town of novice adventurers. 

This country is at war with the Demon King, so the strongest adventurers go off to the frontlines. 

That means the people I’ve seen so far are… 

“December 29, 1900 hours. Conducting final survey and returning to Earth.” 

The teleporter is now stable, and I can return whenever I wish. 

After activating my device, I head off to the city of Axel to take care of unfinished business. 

I’m looking for someone weak. It doesn’t matter who. 

Yes, although I’ve been pining to go home after having my confidence shattered on this planet… 

“I’m one of Kisaragi’s elite Combat Agents. I can’t just run away with my tail between my legs…!” 

It’s possible that I’ve just happened to run into the most powerful people on this planet. 

Even if it means I’m just being a bully, I’d like to win a fight with one of the locals before going home. 

I laugh at my own shattered confidence as I wander around the city at night. 

“Hey there. Are you an adventurer? Could you spare a moment?” 

“Me…? Wh-what is it? I have a lot of strong and noble friends behind me, you know.” 

The target I’ve chosen is an extremely weak-looking young man, and it seems I’ve chosen well as the boy answers with a line worthy of a two-bit lackey. Looking at me, he begins to back away. 

…Of course he would. It’s the normal reaction to seeing a Kisaragi operative dressed in a suit of power armor. It’s the first time it’s happened since I arrived here, and I can’t help a tiny thrill of joy. 

“I’m sorry if I frightened you. If you’re an adventurer, well… Could you show me your card?” 

“My adventurer card? Well, okay, but my stats kind of suck. My occupation’s also the weakest around.” Calming down a little, the boy hands me his card. 

…Wow, that’s pretty bad. 

I’d done my homework around the city, and I’d looked up the stats of an average adventurer. 

The boy in front of me definitely has the weakest occupation, with the stats to match. 

Nothing personal, kid, but I’m going to test myself against you. 

“Do you mind if we…?” 

“Ah-ha! Found you guys! The hell have you been doing?! I’ve been getting nothing but complaints about you!” 

Just as I tried to ask him to fight, the boy runs off yelling. 

I reach out to stop him, but… 

“Gaaaaah! It’s not my fault this time, I swear! It was Megumin’s idea…!” 

…I notice where the boy is running off to and freeze. 

“I—I—I was just thinking out loud. I didn’t think you would actually try…!” 

“Wait, Kazuma, calm down! There’s actually a good reason for…” 

Standing there are my blue-haired coworker, the tough beauty, and the explosive girl. 

“Screw your excuses! I’m going to beat the crap out of all three of you!” 

The three of them are running from the boy with the worst occupation… 

…Which means, the low stat, weakest occupation young man is actually stronger than those three women. 

My confidence is utterly shattered by that realization, and I activate the recorder on my device. 

“To headquarters. I strongly recommend avoiding this planet. And…” 

I utter a prayer of thanks to the planet’s goddess for saving me from starting an unwinnable fight. 

“My thanks to the Goddess Aqua. Combat Agent Twenty-Two, hereby returning to Earth.”