CHAPTER 1
Swindler Spinster
1
It’s now been a little over two months since they sent me, a lowly combat operative, to this planet with a suspicious device called an interplanetary teleporter.
They sent me to survey the planet and lay the groundwork for an invasion.
It’s been a month since we repelled an invasion and signed a short-term truce with the local competition: an evil organization calling itself the Demon Lord’s Army.
With the expiration of the truce, there’ve been a few skirmishes with the Demon Lord’s Army here and there, but they have yet to stage another large invasion.
Their current level of caution is likely due to the presence of my colleagues: Combat Agents dispatched by the Kisaragi Corporation.
Currently, there are only ten operatives, counting myself, assigned to this kingdom.
First off, there’s me, Mr. Six.
And then there’s…
“Long time no see, Six. Nyeow’s the time to put an end to our age-old rivalry!”
The large tiger-headed man purrs in a velvety baritone, standing in front of me with a Western-looking longsword in hand.
“Sounds like fun, Tiger Man. So long as I have this memento of my beloved subordinate, the Whatever Zapper, I can’t lose…”
Yes, this is one of Kisaragi’s officers, the mutant Tiger Man.
“Since when is Snow’s sword a memento? Did something happen to her? And wait a meowment. Why do you get a magic sword?”
“Well, you’re a mutant. That makes you a lot stronger than an operative like me. Give me a little bit of a handicap. Also, why are you adding that meowy purring noise to your sentences? It’s starting to get a little obnoxious.”
Tiger Man is one of the Kisaragi Corporation’s midlevel Supreme Leaders.
He may be speaking a little oddly today, but he’s a veteran among the mutants, a reassuring presence to have at your back.
“I hearrrd putting purrs in the middle of sentences gets you girrrrrls. I used to add little growls here and there, but that just drrrove them away.”
“Huh, you can get women just by changing how you talk? Can I get in on that?”
Reuniting here in a far-off land, we’re eager to test how much stronger we’ve become. So we’ve taken over the training grounds here in the kingdom of Grace for a friendly sparring sesh.
“It’s not like I’ve got a trademeowrk on it. Do what you want. At any rate…prrrepare yourrrrself, Six. You’ll see my new powerawr!”
“Bring it, Tiger Man! Don’t think operrrratives are always going to be weakerrr than mutants! Hiyaaaah!”
We each let out a battle cry and begin trading blows with our swords…
With a sharp metallic clang, something goes flying through the air.
“…Oh shit. What do we do, Tiger Man? We just broke Snow’s magic sword! She doesn’t know I have it.”
“N-not my fault! You’rrrrre the one who swiped it! This whole knight thing was yourrr idea!”
Yup, the object flying through the air is half of Snow’s beloved sword.
I look at the sword fragment buried in the ground. Tiger Man and I exchange glances.
We turn to my partner for help. She’s been sitting and watching from a corner of the training grounds this whole time.
“Alice! I bet your high-tech brain can figure out a solution!”
“Yes! Prrreeease help us, Meowlice!”
Sitting on the ground with her knees to her chest and watching us as though we’re a particularly interesting sideshow attraction is Kisaragi’s latest and greatest high-spec pretty-girl android, Alice Kisaragi.
“Fine, fine. Meowlice will enlighten you meatheads. Put the pieces back together using metal glue, then just give it back. It’ll end up breaking in battle, and you can say ‘Looks like they sold you a lemon. I’ll go yell at the merchant for you’ while comforting her.”
““Perfect!””
Alice, who constantly calls herself a high-spec android, provides Tiger Man and me with a perfect solution.
We quickly get to work grabbing the two halves of the sword and attempting to stick them back together…
“—SIX, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! You’ve gone too far this time! Show yourself! I’m going to wring your useless neck!”
A familiar voice echoes into the training ground from the entrance.
I quickly hide the broken sword behind my back. Tiger Man, holding the other half, crushes the piece with his ludicrous grip strength and tosses the shards off into the distance.
…Well, shit. There goes that idea.
And in comes Snow, captain of this kingdom’s Royal Guard.
Sometimes, I think she’d be so hot if she would just keep her mouth shut. But at the moment, with her wild silver hair and bloodshot eyes, she’s a pretty scary sight to behold.
“Where did you put my beloved blade?! Give me back my precious Flame Zapper! I had to take out a five-year loan for it!”
Snow closes the distance, but I keep my cool.
“Oh, that magic sword? You just missed it. Turns out, it became self-aware and realized you weren’t a worthy master. It left on a journey to find its rightful owner.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Magic swords don’t just get up and walk away! Besides, I take good care of her, carefully maintaining her each and every day. Even if she did become self-aware, I’m sure she’d consider me her master… Hey, wait a minute! What’s that behind your back?!”
Snow, who had been rushing toward me at a steady clip, stops in her tracks.
I hold out the remains of her blade.
“Well, the sword just came back from its journey. It ran into the Demon Lord and lost by a hair. It whispered your name with its last breath and returned to being a simple sword.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
When Snow sees the remains of her blade, her knees give out from under her.
I gently hand the hilt to her. Snow gazes at it forlornly, tears pouring from her eyes.
“…Hey, Six, this is a little purrrainful.”
“Y’know, this is kinda your fault, too, Tiger Man. Help me smooth this over. We can’t fix it now that you crushed the other end.”
Tiger Man half mutters, half purrs out a soft “fiiine” and writes something on a slip of paper, inserting it into the device on his chest.
The device is a mini-teleporter that sends messages to Kisaragi headquarters on Earth.
As operatives for an evil organization, we can use these devices to buy new equipment using our Evil Points.
Eventually, a single sword appears in front of Tiger Man.
Hey wait, that’s…
“Oh, Flame Zapper… My sweet Flame Zapper that I polished each night before bed… I remember the day I bought you, dear Flame Zapper… I couldn’t sleep from the excitement. Oh, sweet Flame Zapper, you kept me warm on cold nights…”
Snow, who had been cradling the sword and muttering between sobs, glances up sharply.
Her gaze is fixed on the blade Tiger Man has drawn from its black-painted hilt.
“…! Wh-what an amazing piece of craftsmanship…! S-Sir Tiger Man, where did that remarkably beautiful sword come from…?!”
Tiger Man ordered a katana.
Our resident sword maniac recognizes its quality from a single glance and stares at the blade, entranced.
Tiger Man sheathes the blade, and Snow lets out a disappointed sigh.
“Here,” he says. “To replace your sworrrd.”
“O great Tiger Maaaaan!” Snow clutches the katana to her chest, now spilling tears of joy. Then as if realizing something, Snow sidles up to Tiger Man, keeping the tears welled in her eyes. “O wonderous Tiger Man… Gifting me such a work of art… Perhaps you own others like it?”
“Well, surrre. I’m prrretty fond of weapons, so I have a something of a collection… H-hey! Let go of me right nyeow! Stop strrrroking my chest!”
I doubt Snow could be any more obvious.
Sensing that Tiger Man might be able to feed her sword addiction, Snow smiles coyly and brushes up against him.
“Heh, heh-heh-heh… From the moment we met, I had a feeling you were someone special. I, Snow, am confident in my ability to judge people.”
“What arrre you talking about?! You called me a monsterrr and attacked me the meowment you saw me!”
Tiger Man just told me how he changed his way of speaking to draw in the ladies, and yet he still backs away from Snow.
“Congratulations, Tiger Man. Looks like your plan worked.”
“I prefer smaller girrrls. One this big is a little outside my prrreference.”
Hot damn. Tiger Man is a piece of work! I suppose that’s to be expected from a mutant and villain.
—At that very moment, the castle bells ring out in a high-pitched clamor.
Snow has backed far away from Tiger Man after hearing about his “prrreferences,” and at the sound of the bells, she purses her lips into a hard expression.
“An enemy attack! Come on, Six, let’s get going! This is a great chance to win some glory! …Heh, heh-heh-heh-heh… Time to try this new baby out…!”
Drawing her katana, Snow gazes lovingly at the blade, muttering ominously.
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