3
“Well, hellooo there, little lady! Wanna see a magic trick? Keep your eyes on my pants now! Behold! The zipper goes down without me lifting a finger!”
“Ahhhhhh! You pervert! S-someone heeeeeellllllp!!”
A girl out alone this late at night. What are her parents thinking? I watch the girl run off, listening to the familiar announcement of my Evil Points racking up as I zip up my fly.
“Hmph. How irresponsible. Makes you worry about the future of this kingdom… Whew, that makes six for the evening. Who’s next? Ah, how about that girl wandering near the alley?”
It’s long past nightfall and nearing midnight. I follow a girl who appears to be walking alone down a dark alleyway for some reason. There isn’t a single other person around. Now’s my chance.
“Hee-heeeeeeee! Look at meeeeee!!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!”
I spread my arms and position myself in front of the girl.
“Now, little lady, can you work up the courage to unzip my fly?”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh! It’s a rapist!!”
Terrified by my sudden appearance, the girl curls up into a ball on the ground.
“Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh, don’t worry, I don’t plan to touch you. All you need to do is scream and run away! No time to waste! If you don’t run now, my fly will come down even without your help!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh! You’re lying! You plan to do way more than touch, don’t you?! You’ll use sweet words to lower my guard, then drag me off into the shadows. Then you’ll violate me and make me into your sex slave!!”
This reaction is a little more extreme than I was expecting, so I try to calm the screaming young woman.
“Relax, there are reasons why I can’t touch you! Now, get up and run away, or I’ll show you something that’ll really make you scream!”
I let out the creepiest chuckle in my arsenal before placing my hand on my fly and inching ever closer.
“Lies, all lies! You’re going to kidnap me and use me as an outlet for your raging libido, day after day! Oh no! I twisted my ankle trying to run from you, and now I can’t get up! Nooooooooooo!!”
“Um, when exactly did you try to run? Much less twist your ankle? …Listen, I’m not going to kidnap you, and I don’t actually touch civilians. I just wanted to creep you out…”
“Nooooooooo! Lies! There’s no way you can resist touching such a beautiful girl like me! I bet you’re going to drag me off to a beautiful white house by the sea miles away from anyone else, keeping me as your sex slave and forcing me to have at least three of your children! The first will of course be a boy! Then we’ll have a girl! What would you want for the third?!”
Who the hell is this girl?! Is this really happening?!
“No, no, listen… Wait, this is weird. I’m not getting any Evil Points… Hey, you. You’re not actually resisting, are you? I only need you to look, honest.”
I try my best to get through to her, but the girl has absolutely no intention of listening to me. She just keeps violently shaking her head from side to side.
“Noooooooooo! Just looking? Noooooooooo!”
“Looooooooooooooooook!!”
“…Well, if you insist.”
While struggling to figure out what to do with the girl in front of me, I relax as I hear a new voice behind me, and I turn around.
“Oh? You actually want to see? In that case, feast your eyes upon my—”
Sure enough, Snow is standing right there.
“Feast my eyes upon your what…? Go on, then. What were you going to show me?”
Having helped up the girl I had been trying to frighten, Rose joins Snow and looks at me pityingly. Snow, meanwhile, stands with her arms crossed. She’s glaring at me with such cold contempt that I have to suppress the shiver up my spine.
“…I’m very sorry, ma’am,” I say in a voice so tiny that it sounds like the buzzing of a mosquito.
“No reason to apologize. You’re going to show me something, right? I’m telling you I’ll look. Rose, go to that tavern and gather up a crowd for me. He’s about to put on a show of some kind. Now, go ahead and show me! I’ll take a long, hard look at that pathetic little thing.”
“I’m sorry! Please, please forgive me! But take back what you said about it being pathetic!”
“…So? I’m well aware that you’re a disgrace to humanity, an idiot, a pervert, and utterly beyond saving. So tell me how you ended up here. You can explain, right?”
In the back alley, without another soul around, I’m sitting on my knees with head bowed in front of Snow.
“U-um… This is all part of making preparations against the Demon Lord’s Army…”
“…Do you really think I’m that stupid? What sort of harebrained excuse is that?!”
Snow reaches for the sword on her hip…
“It’s true! I’m not lying; I swear it’s true! I need to do this! You can ask Alice if you want!”
“Are you out of your mind? How in the hell does your perversion tie into the Demon Lord’s Army?!”
Goddammit! She’s actually using logic!
Is there really no way out of this…?
“I’m telling the truth! I swear! I’m not lying!”
“Quiet! I’ve heard enough. The serious parting, all that second-guessing, and this is what I catch you doing?! I feel like an idiot for actually being depressed!”
“P-please calm down, Boss, Miss Snow. U-um…wh-why did you quit anyway, Boss? Miss Snow wouldn’t tell me…”
Rose hurriedly restrains Snow from drawing her sword. Huh, that’s kind of a surprise. I figured Snow would’ve told everyone why we’d left.
“I couldn’t stand Snow’s constant sexual harassment. It was getting worse by the day. She kept grabbing my butt every time I passed her in the hallway. Let the rest of the castle know that’s why I left.”
“Just who do you think I am anyway? Don’t try to spread idiotic rumors! Enough! I can feel myself growing stupider just by talking to you. I’ll let you go this time, but if I hear more rumors of your perversion, you’re dead!”
With that, Snow turns on her heel…
I shout at her back.
“I hear the Demon Lord’s Army is invading soon! If you want my ultrapowerful assistance, then apologize for your shitty attitude and beg for it!”
“Like hell I’m going to do that! I see your talent for enraging people hasn’t gone anywhere. Do you want to die that badly?” In a fit of anger, Snow twists back around, hand on the hilt of her sword. “You know, I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again, and yet here you are! Fool!”
“Y-you’re the one who came looking for me, you idiot!”
“Miss Snow! Boss! Will you two calm down? You sound like children!” Rose tries desperately to stop our argument.
“Rose, he’s not in command anymore. Stop calling him Boss. We’re done here!”
Snow spits out the words like she just took a bite of something nasty before turning away from me again.
“I hope you get so angry you have an aneurysm!”
“You son of a—!”
“If you two don’t stop, I’m going to take a bite out of both of you!!”
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