3
Kakeru Tobe is just hopelessly shallow.
The day after Tobe came to consult with us, we decided to analyze his request in detail and discuss how we would deal with it.
Frankly, I wasn’t really enthusiastic.
I mean, other peoples’ problems—relationship-wise—are just stupid to me, and the one to come in with this request was Tobe, besides. So of course it’d be hard for me to get excited.
In brief, here’s what he was asking:
He was going to tell Ebina he had a crush on her, so he wanted us backing him up.
Come on… Right from the get-go, his request was flaky and thin, kinda like an ad for some new kind of pastry.
And so, after hearing his request the day before, we were now at the next stage, considering what we should do.
Yukinoshita rapped the edge of a stack of some nearby papers on her desk a couple of times to even them out, then turned back to us.
“Right, then. For now, let’s begin by reviewing our situation. Then we’ll gather information and consider how to handle this.”
Hmm, a Yukinoshita-like approach. But I was a little uneasy. I mean, in sports manga, the data-collection character always looks good at first but ends up losing.
“First, I suppose we’ll start with what we know about Tobe,” she continued.
“Yeah, all right,” I said. “As the ancients said, know thine enemy, know thyself, and you’ll give up on a hundred battles.”
“So you’re giving up…?” said Yuigahama.
I mean, I do actually think we should… I mean, I doubt this is gonna work for him. Half sighing, I glanced over at the guy sitting beside me.
“Well then, a simple self-introduction,” Yukinoshita prompted, and Tobe grinned.
“Yeah. Kakeru Tobe, Class 2-F. I’m in the soccer club.” Tobe, who’d come to the Service Club room all excited, was now slouching in his chair as he joined our conversation. Well, if we were going to be gathering information about him, it was fastest to ask the guy in question.
“You don’t have to go to club?” I inquired.
“It’s totally fine. The old captain’s already retired, so now the club captain’s Hayato. I’m good.”
Taking a lot of things for granted there, aren’t you? Eh-heh-heh.
“Let’s look for some positive qualities you can emphasize,” said Yukinoshita. “If you can communicate them in a more effective way, I think Ebina will take notice.”
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, ding. Time’s up.
In silence, we all used up our thinking time, when Tobe went “Ah!” and raised his hand.
Yes, Tobe. Please tell us.
“…I’m friends with Hayato.”
“Aaand he immediately piggybacks on someone else…,” Yuigahama muttered, sounding somewhat exasperated.
Well, it’s hard to come up with your own positive attributes on the spot—unless you’re amazing like me, with just so many virtues.
In that case, it would be best to ask someone who was pretty familiar with him. “Can’t you come up with something, Yuigahama?” I asked.
Yuigahama folded her arms in a thinking pose and hmm’d. When she finally hit on something, she clapped her hands. “Um, like, how he’s always so bright and sunshiny?”
“If shining was enough to make people like you, bald guys would be super-popular.” Also, you’d expect people to be fond of light bulbs, too. But now that I think about it, Pikachu is super-popular, so maybe if you got a Shiny one and put it on your head, the masses would flock to you. Or maybe not.
But anyway, maybe sometimes things aren’t apparent to you precisely because they’re so close. So maybe next, it’d be best to delve into his finer qualities by examining how he was seen from afar instead. “What about you, Yukinoshita?” I asked.
“Hmm…,” Yukinoshita considered, putting a hand to her chin. “Obnoxious…? No… Loud? He’s loud, so…perhaps his liveliness.” She gave a bright smile at the end, but she’d completely exposed her thought process in getting to that point.
“…Okay, I get it.” I now knew she would never, ever give anyone a compliment.
She must have been unsatisfied with my reaction, as she then turned the question to me. “Why don’t you think about it?”
“Hey, you can’t squeeze out what isn’t there.”
“…What isn’t there is your motivation.”
I think what’s really missing is an interest in Tobe, though. But I’d feel bad about saying that, so I decided to keep my mouth shut. In fact, I had quite a lot of confidence in my ability to maintain a lack of interest in things, so saying something would be just making trouble.
But, well, we wouldn’t be getting anywhere if I simply said I wasn’t interested. So I decided to consider the matter seriously for a moment—consider meaning “make shit up” or something similar in this context. I didn’t really know much about Tobe in the first place. Heck, I’d only just learned that his given name was Kakeru.
Anyway, if I had to describe him, well, what you see is what you get.
If you were to ask Hayama, he would say, He comes off like a tough guy, but he’s actually really good at setting an upbeat mood. He’s a good guy.
But ask Yukinoshita, and he’d be a frivolous party-type who had no talents aside from being loud.
Well, my evaluation would be basically that. There were no standout incidents for me to bring up, and I couldn’t detect any trait that would form the core of his personality. He was unquestionably a background NPC.
I’m sure the above impression is a superficial evaluation of his type.
But now I knew more about him—at least, more than I did at the beginning of second year, when I only saw him as one of Hayama’s hangers-on—thanks to that hot summer night together under the same roof. Though putting it that way may invite some misunderstandings, we did go to summer camp together and stuff. Based on those experiences, I’d try to make a guess.
He’d show off because he wanted a girl to like him, he’d take steps toward accomplishing his goal of getting a girlfriend, and when he had a crush, he’d feel jealous of his friends.
That kinda guy.
That’s not gonna be useful. That’s just Basic Boy A. You can find him anywhere.
The fact of the matter was that of all the people I knew, the most normal, the most regular, the most ordinary and mediocre, might just be Tobe.
I do consider myself a fairly typical high school student with a healthy dose of common sense, possessed of enough good instincts that they call me (well, I call myself) the Conscience of Chiba. But Tobe reached a level of normalness that frightened even me.
Tl;dr—Tobe was worthless.
Even after comprehensive analysis, I couldn’t think of any positive traits in him.
I had nothing, but Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were silently pressing me, and Tobe was eyeing me hopefully like this time I’d say something nice for sure.
“Tobe’s positive traits…are not what I’d be looking for. Actually, I think it might be faster for him to fit Ebina’s tastes. Like, I’m sure she has a type, probably.”
I wasn’t exactly in a position to be looking down upon the little people and describing their fortes, so I chose to nudge the conversation in a different direction. It was more constructive to think about this realistically instead of focusing on something that didn’t exist, right?!
“Ohhh, okay,” Yuigahama agreed—surprisingly, since I’d come up with that one out of desperation. Good, good. I rather like simple souls.
Yukinoshita nodded, indicating this sounded good to her, too. “You mean to target her weakness, hmm? Impressive as always. You are peerless when it comes to using underhanded methods.”
“That’s a really weird compliment…” I wasn’t glad to hear that at all. In fact, the compliment was rather suspect.
“So then what is Ebina into?” I asked.
Ebina is also a young lady just beginning to bloom, and for such a girl, this is the age when they’re in love with love. She should be just like a flower, a proper young lady. And of course, young women enjoy talking about crushes with one another.
I looked expectantly at Yuigahama, but she avoided my gaze. “Um…well, in Hina’s case…it’s less about what kind of guys she likes, and more that she likes guys together…”
…Well, you know, even a corpse flower is still a flower. And as they say, even if it’s rotten, it’s still good fish. Or actually, is it the rotting that makes her Ebina?
“Well, I guess I’d call that side of her, like…unique? Eccentric? It works for her, y’know?”
Ohhh, how admirable, Tobe. You really defended her. I guess this is why they say “love is blind.”
But he did defend her, which must mean he had a real affection for her. I’d probably lose my mind with rage if someone were to speak badly of Totsuka or Komachi, too, so he must feel something close to that.
It seemed the others could get a vague sense of it, too, as Yukinoshita gave an approving nod. But then she tilted her head again. “Tobe’s feelings aside…what does she think of you?”
“I—I dunno.” Yuigahama seemed uncomfortable with Yukinoshita’s direct question.
Whoops, and there’s your answer. That question was so easy, I was mentally betting on Super Hitoshi.
“Oh man, I’m uriouscay as ellhay about that.” Tobe suddenly leaned forward, ready to go.
“…Listen, Tobe,” I said. “This is basically going to be like…the Final Judgment.”
“Come on, I have to hear this, or I can’t get anywhere, right?”
“O-okay…”
Right, then. The answer, please, Yuigahama.
She looked at us, and her words caught in her throat with an ulp. “…I think, maybe, she thinks of you as a good person,” Yuigahama said, gently averting her eyes.
Ngh… The tears…
A good person.
When a girl calls you that, it basically always means “good to ignore,” or at best, “good to use.” In other words, it meant he essentially had zero chance.
But Tobe was the one person in the room smiling as if he were certain of his victory as he slowly muttered, “…That’s a positive assessment, right?”
The only positive thing here is your mind-set. Or your test results for being clinically short a few screws. I came up with numerous remarks to lambaste him with but, unfortunately, absolutely no ideas.
Tobe is aggressively idiotic, far more than I imagined.
“B-but look, she doesn’t hate you, so that’s a good thing, right?” Yuigahama desperately attempted to support him, but resignation was already swirling in the air between me and Yukinoshita.
“There’s a limit to our capabilities,” Yukinoshita said.
“The barrier between Tobe and Ebina is just too big, you know?” I agreed.
As was apparent, Tobe was an excitable character, the frivolous type. Ebina, on the other hand, was a modest, sweet pervert.
But in this situation, the irregular individual was Ebina.
I think it’s unusual for an out-and-out slash fangirl to be in the top caste. If a closeted one were in her position, I think she’d actually be pretty secretive about it. I hear there are more attractive, outgoing types at those sorts of events than you would think. Source: manga. I read it in 801-chan and Genshiken, so you know it’s true.
Normally, Tobe and Ebina would have occupied different levels in the hierarchy. The clique Tobe associated with was fundamentally the cool one, the focus of attention. Ebina did have a pretty face, and she was cute in a mousy sort of way, but I think that definition of cute is a little off if we’re comparing her with Miura.
Typically, I think she would be the secret object of affection for boys one rank lower than the top group on the social ladder, or those from middle ranks, or even boys of the lowest category, who hold on to the hope that maybe she would even go out with me? They’d think of her as the supercute girl noticed by no one else. There was a possibility that middle school Hachiman could have gotten a crush on someone like her.
But what destroyed this typical idea was the indomitable Yumiko Miura.
Yumiko had quite thoroughly, mercilessly, and passionately gathered the cutest girls around her to compose her clique. She chose what she wanted without ever questioning the differences between what made them attractive. Well, it was a little baffling that Kawasaki wasn’t included there. She was pretty, too. If only she would fix the grumpy attitude and the brother complex.
Miura, the one who had created this nonstandard social situation, was, in a way, bound to become a key factor in this matter.
The moment the thought hit me, Yuigahama mentioned Miura. “Maybe it’d be best to get someone else to help, like Yumiko.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “It’s like they always say. If you want to shoot the general, first, give up.”
“You’re still giving up?!”
I’d stunned Yuigahama again, but, well, I actually had a reason. “We should give up on that angle… I mean, I doubt Miura’s going to help.”
“H-hmm…but Yumiko’s into this stuff.”
“…Just drop it,” I insisted, and Yuigahama looked at me with surprise.
I’d said it a little sharper than I’d meant to. I figured that in all probability, this request was not going to go well.
And when it went sour, it wasn’t hard to imagine how Ebina would see it: Yuigahama and Miura would be the ones who pushed Tobe into it.
That’s how it would end up, no matter what actually happened.
If Yuigahama was the only one involved, she could use the Service Club as her excuse. I figured the interference of outsiders like myself and Yukinoshita would be taken as an inevitability, providing cover for her. But if even Miura were to join in on this, the weak connection between her and the Service Club would place emphasis on Yuigahama’s influence, and then Ebina might come to resent Yuigahama for it.
That would basically suck.
There was too little to be gained, and the risks weren’t worth it.
“Well, anyway…just don’t do it.”
“Okay…then I won’t.” She didn’t ask for an explanation. I was grateful for that. I didn’t feel like I’d be able to present sound logic. It would have been stupid and annoying to spell out a detailed justification of what was nothing more than an emotional argument.
“But then we’re at a complete stalemate.” Yukinoshita breathed a short sigh, sounding a little tired.
Indeed, the indicators were pointing toward probable defeat. I couldn’t see any positive signs. “Why don’t you just give up?” I suggested to Tobe. I was sick of this.
In response, he flicked himself in the forehead and slumped his shoulders.
“Whoa! You’re harsh, Hikitani. A real-deal nasty talker, just like Hayato says… But I know your game, y’know? You’re just putting it on.”
“Uh, I’m totally serious, though…”
But Tobe wasn’t going to listen to what I said. He turned right back to me with no hesitation. “But, like, y’know what they always say. The opposite of love is indifference. So that means you’re taking this real serious for me, right?”
E-eugh… He’s so obnoxious… His brand of obnoxiousness was the polar opposite of Zaimokuza’s.
I mean, obviously the opposite of love is hate.
Disinterest is just an inability to give an evaluation because you don’t know someone, and once you know them, you’re forced to categorize them as someone you like or hate. And once you categorized a person as hated, you’ll pursue them and loathe them eternally for the purpose of their abuse. The opposites of love are loathing and the desire to kill.
Of course, Tobe couldn’t tell what I was thinking, and he gazed out the window as he explained in fits and starts. “I’m…pretty serious… Yamato and Ooka are cheering me on, but I kinda feel like they’re actually in it for the laughs…” He paused for a moment, then rubbed his nose like he was a little embarrassed. “So it actually feels kinda nice that you’re seriously trying to stop me, y’know?”
“…”
That’s not what’s going on. You’re not allowed to just decide this is positive, without any input from anyone else. Look, it’s very much not like that. Could you not?
“And that’s how Ebina can be, too. Sometimes she’ll just randomly hit real deep. I guess you’d say she’s not who she seems at first? That’s the kinda thing that gets me. Agh, now that was an embarrassing thing to say! I’m being a creep!” Tobe fluffed up the hair at the back of his neck aggressively to cover his embarrassment.
Thank you for that gleeful and completely unasked-for explanation. Don’t grin at me. Your hair is annoying. It’s too long. Just get a damn haircut.
But…huh, he’s actually been paying attention to what she’s like.
I’ve spent many years observing people myself, which was why I’d gotten the vague inkling that Ebina wasn’t just the cute girl she appeared to be.
She had something quietly hidden inside her, too.
Tobe hadn’t yet reached the essence of that, but now I was sure he’d picked up on some things, since he’d been watching her all this time.
These are the thoughts that get you started, and then before you know it, you’re following her with your eyes, which leads you to learn something new about her, and then your chest starts feeling hot. Anyone will have gone through that process…including me and Tobe.
Boys are so stupid. Even when they know it won’t end well, that isn’t enough reason for them to give up. Boys truly are dumb.
Exactly as I had once been, Tobe was a boy in love. He might have been a normie or top caste or whatever, but at his core, he was just a single-minded boy.
“Well, there’s something to be said for giving it a shot, even if you know it won’t work,” I said. If he was going to make a serious go at this, I’d help. That was the founding idea for this club anyway.
“Hey, you gotta make it so it does work.” Tobe put his hands together in a quick gesture of supplication.
I was shooing it away with a wave as if to say I get it, I get it when I heard the muffled vibration of a cell phone.
“Oh, that’s mine. ’Sup… Huh? Oh, sorry, man! Coming now!” Tobe ended the call in a rush and snatched up his bag.
By the time Yuigahama asked, “What is it?” Tobe had already dashed to the door.
“Going to club now! The old captain said he was gonna come watch, so I gotta go, or I’m in trouble! See ya!” Before he even finished talking, he flung open the door and ran out.
Watching him go, Yukinoshita muttered, “He really is loud…”
Once Tobe was gone, suddenly, the clubroom was quiet.
Now that the scene had once again turned calm, we all ended up at loose ends. Each of us vaguely reached out to whatever was nearby. Yukinoshita started preparing tea, while I pulled the paperback on the desk closer to me. Yuigahama flipped through the magazine in front of her.
Then Yuigahama’s hands stopped, and her eyes were fixed on the page. Curious about her unusually serious reaction, I popped my head around my book to peek. “What’re you looking at? …Oh, matchmaking shrines.”
“I figured divine help could be a thing…um, for Tobecchi,” Yuigahama replied, her eyes never leaving the magazine.
Having finished making the tea, Yukinoshita joined in. “There are lots of temples and shrines in Kyoto where you can have your relationships blessed, enough that there are tours just for that purpose. But praying for it? That’s going a little far…”
“Yeah, it’s like that saying: ‘Divine resignation in the darkest of times.’” Instead of divine supplication? Divine resignation: giving up in a godly manner. Ha-ha, look, I’m giving up again… It’s pretty lonely when you set up the joke and nobody else goes for the punchline.
As I was mulling over this, I glanced over at Yuigahama to see that, for some reason, her eyes were sparkling. “…That’s it!”
“That’s it?”
Was my divine resignation bit that witty? I personally wasn’t a fan. It sounded kinda forced.
“Not that. They could get closer by having a walk around Kyoto! He could, like, casually come up with little trivia facts about the city. Hina said she likes Kyoto, so I think it could work!”
Trivia. It comes from the word trivial. In other words, stuff that doesn’t matter. There’s some trivia for you.
In other words, since he wasn’t getting anywhere when everything was normal at school, Tobe would have to count on the newness of the field trip to change things.
The field trip was going to be four days long. I think there’s some American movie called, like, How to Get a Girl in Four Days. Starring Cameron Diaz and Hugh Grant.
But anyway, in that short period of time, we had to create a situation where Ebina would be attracted to Tobe… Yeah, that’s impossible.
“So then first, wouldn’t we have to make sure they end up somewhere together?” Yukinoshita said, pouring out tea for all of us.
Yuigahama took her mug, had a sip, and raised her head. “The first day, we’re all together as a class, so that’s no problem. And then for the group day, I’ll be with Hina and Yumiko. We’ve basically decided already.”
No doubt. Assuming that would happen, in order to create a group of four, someone else would have to join their group. But we didn’t really have to take their influence into consideration…
So then I pondered what to do with Tobe, but Yuigahama cut off my train of thought. “So for the guys, you just have to be in Tobecchi’s group, Hikki. Then if we choose the same places, on the second day they can be together, too.”
“…Huh? Uh, I’m going to be in a group with Totsuka, though,” I replied, waving my hands like, I can’t, I can’t, and Yukinoshita interjected in support of me.
“Won’t Tobe and his friends have decided to be a group of four? There wouldn’t be anything to gain by throwing Hikigaya in there, and I doubt it would make anyone happy.”
I should have been thankful that Yukinoshita agreed with me. But I didn’t feel grateful at all. I wonder why.
“Yeah, but if me and Hikki come up with a schedule for us, then we’ll end up being together on the second day, too, and I think it’s best to have two people there, for support.” Yuigahama, coming up with a logical argument… My eyes widened in shock at this rare occurrence, and I missed my opportunity to present a counterargument.
And when I failed to say anything, Yukinoshita nodded with an mm-hmm. “I see. Well, Ooka and Yamato were both willing to accompany him to the clubroom, so I’m sure if we explain, they’ll agree.”
“Yeah, I’ll try talking to them when we’re deciding on groups.”
Oh no. Things are moving along fast. At this rate, I’ll end up in a group with Hayama and co. I have to avoid this! “Wait, hey, listen to me—,” I began, but Yuigahama clapped her hands as if an idea had hit her.
“So then for the groups, we can split those four into two and have you and Sai-chan together in a group, Hikki?”
…That’s fine. It’s actually more than fine. Let’s do that.
Class 2-F was typically pretty boisterous. I think the main reason for this was because Hayato Hayama and Yumiko Miura, who were probably top caste even relative to the whole grade, were the leaders of the clique that formed the nucleus of the class. When these animated personalities got together, naturally, laughter would ring out and bright smiles would blossom.
And that day, our class was a notch more boisterous than usual.
We were deciding on groups for the school field trip. One hour of long homeroom was set aside for this, but it wouldn’t actually take that much time to decide, because the people who were friends to begin with could schwoop together instantly. So why did this take an hour? This was both a kindness toward and torture for loners. The purpose of this hour was to glance around and wonder who you should join.
But this time, I already had a group.
Yuigahama had talked with Ooka and Yamato and divided their pack of four in half, and I was placed with Totsuka, Hayama, and Tobe—the same people I’d been with for that summer camp.
Since a bunch of groups were sorted out already, those people now started enjoying a carefree chat time.
Nearby, Yuigahama and her friends were right in the final adjustment stage of group formation.
“We need one more person,” Yuigahama said.
Miura’s sausage curls boinged as she tugged at them and replied, “Can’t we just go with three?”
The teacher told us to make groups of four…
As Miura blithely tried to break this rule, someone popped up from behind to bop her on the shoulder—Ebina. “Hey guys~. ” Her voice made both Yuigahama and me turn around.
“Oh, Hina. About the group of four,” Yuigahama began.
It seemed Ebina had brought over someone unexpected. “How about Saki-Saki comes with us?”
What’s with that nickname? I bet she’d be good at mah-jongg.
The nickname from Ebina made Kawasaki squirm in embarrassment. “I-I’m fine, really…and don’t call me Saki-Saki.”
“Why don’t we go together? If you’re interested… Oh, I think when we’re traveling around Kyoto, those guys are gonna be with us, though, so if you don’t mind that.” Yuigahama glanced at us as she explained.
“Oh, is that right?” Ebina replied, instead of Kawasaki. She looked toward us. The glint in her eyes was terribly sharp. She was carefully scrutinizing our group.
“We’re gonna be with the guys? Is that gonna work out?” Kawasaki asked.
Ebina reacted to that. Her previous look was gone, replaced with enthusiastic panting.
“It’ll be great! Totally! I can watch Hayama/Hikitani up close all I want! I can see Hayahachi in Kyoto!”
That’s why she’s eyeing us?
“What are you talking about? And I mean, Hikitani is…” Kawasaki sounded exasperated, glancing over at me. And then at super-high-speed, her head jerked back again, and she grabbed Ebina. “Y-you mean H-Hikitani is…?!! N-no way, no way, no way!”
“Ah-ha! It’s okay! At first it looks like a total crack ship, but then you start watching and realize it’s the one true pairing! Hayato is actually hyperaware of him and sometimes gives him these despondent looks—”
“Who gives a damn about Hayato?!” Kawasaki yelled, and the moment she did, a chair scraped on the ground behind her.
“Huh? What did you just say?” Everything was tense all of a sudden. It seemed she had incurred the wrath of Queen Miura. Miura click-clicked her nails on her desk belligerently.
But Kawasaki also prepared for battle in her own way, flipping back her long ponytail as she turned her head to glare at her opponent. Kawasaki was capable of glaring at anyone straight in the eye, even Yukinoshita. “I said, Who gives a damn? Why don’t you clean out your ears once in a while?”
“What?”
“What?”
Fight! Fight! Showdown time! This is really scary…
“H-hey, come on, guys! S-so anyway, we’ve got a group…” Yuigahama cut between them, trying her best to avoid a head-on collision.
Oh, I get it.
I understood why Kawasaki wasn’t in Miura’s clique, even though she was pretty. Kawasaki and Miura were too similar.
I don’t wanna go on a field trip with these guys…
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