Tensei Shoujo no Rirekisho - Volume 1 - Chapter 30

To be honest, I hate this world where I have been reincarnated to. I am very irritated at it.
Firstly, I am disappointed that there is hardly any civility that matches that in my previous world. Also, I deplore watching the people of this world carry out their meaningless lives without thinking for themselves.

During my time at Garigari village, I had been disgusted at the way the villagers had lived. They entrusted their fate to whatever that had been decided for them and had no plans for themselves. That’s why I thought that if I worked hard, I could stand out by being useful, be recognised by my parents and finally gain their love. I had gotten ahead of myself and believed that I had been reborn in this world for the purpose of experiencing a more human-like lifestyle with these people.

Nevertheless, I had been sold out. (TN: author wrote ‘I was sold’ but I intentionally changed it to ‘sold out’) Back then, I wanted to be loved by them no matter what, and spared no effort in doing so, thus when it happened, I was in a big shock.
After some time had passed, I came down to the conclusion that it’s not like I really needed parents and resentfully resolved to go with the flow for the time being.

At that time, I met Alan and Cain.
I considered them to be cute kids.
I could sympathise with them and had my first taste of a feeling like superiority.

I spent time with them like this and later, believed arrogantly that I could save the pitiful them. At first glance, it seemed to stem from the warm intentions.
But now, thinking back about it, it was nothing but a pack of lies to hide the dirty portions of my heart, to hide my elitist self and to give the impression that I was kind.

That’s why they possess everything that I ever wanted, while I could only admire their happiness from afar, languishing in deep regrets.
I strongly believed that they were different from me.

Truthfully, I think I am just being egoistic here but my feelings for them have tilted towards dislike.

In the first place, there were many things that I disliked. Even though I said I hated this world, it doesn’t mean in any way that I actually liked my previous world either.
In my previous life, in the same vein, I was irritated whenever I saw others with their loving families.
That’s because they did nothing to deserve it! They take it for granted that they are loved!
I even see them sneering at me when I work my hardest to attain that love they take for granted.
Now that I look back on it, in my previous life, I valued pride over everything else. I studied hard, topped everything as an act of retaliation against everyone else and protected myself. I hated everyone.

There were droves of people like Alan or Cain back in my previous world, and I could always sense that they were always secretly ridiculing me…… I know that it isn’t true yet I still have that hunch.

I like the two of them. There is no doubt about that. However, the present me, is incapable to liking. I’m sure that one day, I would hurt them.

Having such thoughts would make me an evil child won’t it.
And perhaps being sold by my parents and being captured by the bandits were part of karma that has been handed down to me.