3
After their morning chores were assigned, Subaru was about to start work with Ram on cleaning the manor when she asked him a question.
“Barusu, have you heard? Tomorrow, the sleazy lecher who is nevertheless a legendary chef, Dias Lepunzo Elemanso Oplane Fatsbalm VI, is coming to our manor. Mind your manners and act sharp.”
“…Say what?”
Subaru turned around, with his head cocked at an extreme angle in open confusion for the third time that day. Her arms crossed, Ram heaved an oddly arrogant sigh and shrugged. “I said, the sleazy womanizer who is nevertheless a legendary chef, Dias Lepunzo Elemanso Oplane Fatsbalm VI, is coming to our manor tomorrow to cook. I’m afraid you won’t be able to join the meal, but you are to conduct yourself in a manner that won’t besmirch Master Roswaal’s good name.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up! Who exactly is coming again? Dias Whatsit?”
“Dias Lepunzo Elemanso Oplane Fatsbalm VI. I know the name is a mouthful, but he gets very upset if you don’t address him properly. Make sure you don’t mess it up, Barusu. And one more thing.”
“Wait, wait, wait. Let me catch up.”
Once he stopped Ram’s steamrolling, Subaru added more notes into his mental Chef Intel Guide he’d started when he heard the news from Emilia. And what was the deal with this chef?
“This Dias…Lepunzo character… Is this the same chef Rem was telling me about?”
“I don’t know what Rem told you exactly, but she surely overheard what Master Roswaal told me last night, so I assume it’s the same person. What of it?”
“There’s a couple minor discrepancies between the chef you and she described.”
From the delighted way Rem had described him, the chef seemed like a moody artist, but she hadn’t mentioned anything that could be construed as the description of a lecher.
“Plus, you just casually declared I can’t join in the meal, either—what’s the deal?”
“The man is notorious for being an absolute lecher. He elevates fine cuisine to new heights and stands at the apex of flavor. That allows Dias Lepunzo Elemanso Oplane Fatsbalm VI to choose his own patrons. In other words, he only serves women—the pervert.”
“But that means Roswaal can’t eat, either. Isn’t that kinda silly?”
“Hah!” Ram snorted at Subaru’s complaint, unable to hide the scorn in her voice. “Master Roswaal skillfully negotiated himself a seat at the table. It’s unfortunate, Barusu, but there’s no room for you. You’ll have to make do by licking somebody’s else’s plate—but not Master Roswaal’s. Give up on Lady Emilia’s, too. And if you so much as touch Rem’s plate, I’ll kill you. And if you lick my plate, kill yourself… But you can do with Beatrice’s plate as you wish.”
“Why is it a given that I’m going to be licking someone’s plate clean? Am I being punished for something?!”
Not only was Subaru barred from the table, he was told that licking Beatrice’s plate was the most he could expect out of this meal. How could he possibly take that lying down?
“This is just too much abuse for one guy! I demand better working conditions! I’m gonna ask Rozchi directly!”
“Sorry, but Master Roswaal has already departed to meet Dias Lepunzo Elemanso Oplane Fatsbalm VI. He won’t return until tomorrow’s scheduled dinner…meaning he won’t be returning until right before the chef starts cooking. My deepest condolences.”
“So much for my last resort!”
Subaru fell to his knees, staring up at the ceiling and lamenting his misfortune.
Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani—My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
“Also, why am I the only one left out?! I smell a conspiracy!”
“The man is a wandering chef who roams the land. He’s hard to book even under ideal circumstances. Getting him for tomorrow was challenging. But once we told him this manor was home to four beautiful ladies, he was completely on board.”
“This dude’s definitely a sleazy womanizing chef!”
The reason their request was approved was just so cliché that this moniker finally made perfect sense to Subaru.
Emilia’s self-evident beauty aside, both Ram and Rem were classic pretty girls. And as long as Beatrice sat still and smiled quietly, she looked like an adorable fairy, or a cute doll.
“But come on, this is downright tyrannical… I don’t have to take this!”
“Accept your fate. This sort of privilege was never meant for a common servant like you. My sister and I are an exception as it is. And we have Master Roswaal to thank for that. I think that’s rather beautiful, don’t you?”
“You think I’m going to be happy for you when I’m actively being blackballed?!”
“You’ve gone on about that long enough… Besides, there’s more than dinner at stake with this visit.”
Subaru was too busy pounding the floor in rage to catch that last part that Ram had muttered quietly under her breath. In the end, Ram cut her half-hearted consolation short and went back to work by herself.
Still wallowing in self-pity, Subaru muttered, “At least let me lick Emilia’s plate…I say like I would try even if I had the chance…!” before meekly resigning himself to his morning chores.
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