3
—Why did I do that?
“Letting someone die wouldn’t leave the same feeling in your hands as doing the deed yourself.”
Gasping for air as he ran, a sweet, unhappy voice interrupted his self-doubt. The hallucination nestled into his ear, cursing Subaru’s selfishness.
“Even though you strangled me.”
He had no rebuttal. He was being contradictory. It didn’t make any sense.
If he really wanted the books of the dead, he should have abandoned Julius. And yet in the end, he’d given Julius the warning to escape the flames.
It was only natural that the girl he’d strangled with his own two hands wouldn’t forgive that—
“—Subaru!”
Suddenly, a voice stopped him. The voice came from an intersection in the hall that he’d passed by without notice—a small figure ran out from the hall.
“Betty was looking for you! There is a demon beast that way! You can’t go there!”
“B-Beatrice…? And…”
Beatrice’s dress swished as she ran over, an earnest expression on her face. Subaru felt both relief and shock seeing a second person safe.
And the shock didn’t stop there.
“…Running into you of all people here, Natsuki.”
Echidna’s breathing was slightly ragged as she followed Beatrice.
It was an unexpected pairing, but what made Subaru’s heart clamp down harder was the extreme suspicion in Echidna’s eyes.
It was a natural suspicion. Julius and Beatrice’s attitudes were the stranger ones.
—If she knew what he’d said to Emilia and Ram in the room where Meili’s body had been hidden, then her reaction was entirely reasonable.
“Beatrice, you must’ve heard, too. I…”
“—Ngh, this isn’t the time for that! Come this way!”
“Are you serious, Beatrice?! He got out of the cage! And at a time like this!”
Grabbing Subaru’s arm as he looked down, Beatrice tried to pull him over when Echidna stopped her. Her cautiousness rising, she pointed at Subaru’s head.
Her fingertip felt almost like the barrel of a gun as he gulped. But Beatrice stood right in front of Echidna as if to protect him.
“Out of the way, Beatrice! You heard Ram. He is not the boy you know!”
“That isn’t true! If Betty holds his hand…Betty can tell! The contract between us is still alive! Betty won’t allow you to deny that bond!”
“…Even so, he can’t be trusted. He hasn’t given any kind of reasonable explanation, has he?”
Gritting her teeth, Echidna brushed off Beatrice’s statement.
The violent emotion caused by unease and impatience was completely at odds with the impression Subaru had gotten from Echidna. She was desperate. She was desperate to protect something.
Understanding that he was the cause of that extreme emotion, Subaru took a breath.
And…
“…What are you doing?”
Pushing down on Beatrice’s shoulder, Subaru stepped forward, leaving himself defenseless. Echidna was suspicious, but Subaru just shook his head. He didn’t have anything prepared.
“As you can see, I’m giving up… This tower is already done for.”
He judged that everything was already well beyond his ability to handle. He was way in over his head and too many things he couldn’t begin to do anything about had sprung up. He was waving the white flag, surrendering.
But Echidna took that for something else entirely.
“This tower is…? So you’ve already achieved what you set out for?”
“…Achieved…?”
“Don’t play dumb! Your goal was the witch in the shrine, wasn’t it?! You got what you wanted, that’s why you showed your true colors… I should have trusted Ana’s instinct. I shouldn’t have brought anyone else here with me! I screwed up…!”
Subaru was bewildered. She was seeing something Subaru couldn’t see at all. And he doubted whether he was related to it in any way.
“…Whatever. This world is already doomed.”
“What’s wrong, Subaru?! That isn’t like you at all!”
“Like…me?”
Beatrice tugged at his sleeve as he tried to abandon everything. Hearing a tearful plea, Subaru looked at her.
“What is that supposed to mean? Where is the usual me that you’re always looking at?”
“…Do you really intend to hold onto that terrible lie? Ram’s forgotten her sister and Julius has been forgotten by everyone, and you still pull that cruel act!”
“Act? Act?! You think this is some goddamned act?!”
All of a sudden, rage filled Subaru’s voice, drowning out Echidna’s shout. Glaring at Echidna as she faltered under the sheer force of it, Subaru bared his teeth.
“If I was going to pretend to be someone, I’d damn sure pick someone better, wouldn’t I?! Who! Who would want to be Subaru Natsuki of all people! Who would want to be this disgusting asshole!”
Who would want to become Subaru Natsuki if they had any choice at all? Who would want to be this twisted, unbearable Subaru Natsuki—
“I don’t know any of you! Not a single one! I lost everything! I was on the way home from the convenience store! The only thing I remember from today is talking to the shop clerk! And then I’m suddenly in some other world? A tower in a desert? Corpses? Examinations! Fakes! Subaru Natsuki! It’s all bullshit!”
“ ”
“That’s right! It’s all my fault! I wanted to be anywhere else! I didn’t want to go home! I was scared of putting on that mask again and causing even more problems for my mom and dad! I was even excited at first! But only at first!”
Beatrice and Echidna froze in place as they watched Subaru explode. They couldn’t understand. They didn’t know the anguish Subaru was feeling. There was a gap between them that couldn’t be filled.
Subaru, them, neither could help the other. It was an unbridgeable chasm.
“You wanna know why I suddenly snapped? Well even I don’t know! But I hit my limit! I’ve had it with people telling me what I am! Whatever you want from me, I can’t do anything! Nothing! So!”
“ ”
“So…just forgive me. Please just forgive me. Please just let me go home… If God is trying to punish me, I understand…I was wrong.”
His voice went hoarse, and there was a bitterness that stung the back of his nose as Subaru crouched down and curled up.
Pressing his head against the floor, he begged for forgiveness. He didn’t know who he needed to ask, so he prayed. With the names of every god he knew in his heart, he prayed.
If this is a punishment for my laziness, then please forgive me.
I’m sure I’ve reflected on and regretted my choices enough to change my life.
So please, please forgive me.
Please don’t mix anyone else up in my divine punishment.
I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I don’t want to hurt anyone else anymore.
“ ”
Beatrice and Echidna were silent as he knelt there and made his tearful plea.
Moving close to him, Beatrice gently rubbed his rounded back. For some reason, she doggedly refused to abandon him.
“…I don’t trust you…”
In contrast to Beatrice’s hand, Echidna’s voice was stiff and cold.
“Cry and plead all you want, if you can’t resolve any of my doubts, my answer won’t change. I am going to get Ana back, even if that means earning the hate or blame of whoever. I don’t care.”
“ ”
“…But I want to be able to look Ana in the eyes once she’s back.”
Echidna slowly lowered the finger she had pointed at Subaru, and then she slowly shook her head.
“Beatrice, just go with him. I’m going to search for Julius. If possible, let’s meet at the top.”
“…Got it. Come on Subaru, stand up now. Betty will carry you if she has to.”
She couldn’t trust him, but also wouldn’t kill him. So going their separate ways was the most Echidna could bend. Beatrice tried to lend Subaru her tiny shoulder to lean on.
With a struggle, she managed to get Subaru’s body up. He exhaled. And—
“—What are you doing?”
Closing one eye, Echidna looked down at her sleeve. Subaru’s hand reached out to grab her white sleeve, not letting her go.
Why did I do that?
“I thought I made my compromise clear. So why are you doing this?”
“…Julius asked me.”
“He did? Don’t be stupid. He… No, he would do that…” For just a moment, Echidna hesitated when she heard Subaru’s tearful voice. “But you met him before getting here? He should have gone down to check on the fifth floor. If he met you there, then… No, more importantly, he asked you? Is he…”
“Ah, uh, no, you…”
Subaru was overwhelmed by the swift barrage of questions.
“How pathetic, mister… Why did you stop her?”
The girl’s ghost watched in disappointment as Subaru in his fear struggled to respond. Her gaze cut into his heart, making it harder and harder to speak.
Subaru didn’t have an answer to the girl’s question. Why had he stopped Echidna?
He had remembered Julius’s shout. It hadn’t even been a promise, so why—
“…Ah…”
Avoiding Echidna’s gaze, Subaru looked past her as she grew annoyed at his lack of a response. That was when he saw it. A red light floating down the hallway.
The moment he saw the red light, he instinctively understood. He had met its eyes.
The massive black body that was one with the darkness, the gleaming red light, the pair of abnormally developed, sharp pincers, the raised, articulated tail’s stinger gleaming with a white beam—
“Huh.”
—With a flash, the giant scorpion’s stinger became a light that shot through the hallway.
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