Shirakawa-san stared at me, her eyebrows knit. Then, as she glanced at the note in her hand, her frown only deepened.
Once again I realized how beautiful she was. Given her gyaru-like appearance, she was probably wearing makeup, but those charming shadows beneath her eyes and the lines going from her nose to her chin couldn’t be faked with cosmetics.
Since I’d completely screwed up my confession, I felt like I couldn’t bring any more shame to myself than I already had. Somehow, that gave me enough composure to look at her without worry. I stood there, anticipating my upcoming rejection.
“You have lilacs for me?” she asked me with a stern look on her face.
“What?”
I don’t remember bringing lilacs... And then it hit me—she had taken my disgraceful confession as something else.
“No, I mean... I...like you...”
That time, I managed to say it properly, though haltingly. Perhaps it was easier now since I’d already failed. I didn’t have anything to lose anymore.
At that, Shirakawa-san opened her eyes wide.
“Oh... That’s what you meant,” she said after a moment’s pause.
Shirakawa-san looked away from me, seeming troubled. She was probably wondering how to reject a guy she didn’t know at all.
“Why?” she then asked.
That question of hers must’ve come from her concern for me—something to soften the blow for what was to come.
“Huh...?”
“Why d’you like me?”
I hadn’t expected her to ask something like that, so I had to think about it quickly. What does she mean “why”? Isn’t that obvious?
“Because you’re...cute...” I replied, letting my voice trail off. I was afraid it would waver again.
Still... It didn’t matter how many mistakes I made here—she’d only reject me this once. Thinking of it that way made this situation a little easier for me.
Shirakawa-san remained silent for a moment, blinking at me. Her cheeks turned slightly pink, and she cast her eyes downward in apparent embarrassment.
“Huh...” she said at last.
That utterance seemed to be her way of masking her awkwardness. But when she looked at me again, she said something crazy.
“So, you wanna go out with me? I don’t have anyone right now.”
At first, I couldn’t understand what I’d just heard.
“Wanna,” “go,” “out”? “Don’t,” “have,” “anyone”? Go out? That kind of going out? With Shirakawa-san? Who? She can’t possibly be talking about me...right?!
“Whaaat?!” I shrieked.
It felt like my knees might give out. I initially thought she was making fun of me, but that would’ve been way too terrible for her to do.
“Hey, whatcha getting all surprised about?” she asked. “You’re the one who confessed to me!”
Seeing me freak out like that, Shirakawa-san laughed. Was she being serious? Or was she just enjoying my reactions? I couldn’t understand what she was thinking.
“So, what’s it gonna be?” she then asked, putting on a serious look and taking a step toward me. “We gonna go out or what?”
Shirakawa-san looked at me again with those upturned eyes. It was so incredibly cute that I felt like my heart would stop.
How had it come to this? I hadn’t expected things to go this way at all. I couldn’t understand why, but I was about to get absurdly lucky. As a quiet, gloomy guy with no redeeming qualities, and whose only hobby was watching a gaming YouTuber, I didn’t have the nerve to easily pass up this stroke of fortune.
Maybe she was teasing me. Or maybe it was all a dream. But it only made my answer even more clear.
“Yes...” I said, my face burning up.
“A’ight, then!” she replied with a satisfied smile.
It was adorable. But her cuteness wasn’t limited to her smile, of course. Having Shirakawa-san so close to me like this, and smiling at me, I had to wonder if I was playing some kind of VR game. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up from it.
“Okay then. Let’s go home together!” proposed Shirakawa-san. “I told my friends I had stuff to do, so we said our goodbyes already.”
With that, the two of us started walking toward the school’s back gate. As we crossed the parking lot, I spotted Icchi and Nisshi crouching behind a car and looking like speechless, frozen corpses. Apparently this wasn’t some prank they’d set up for me.
***
What is this...? What’s going on?! This isn’t a dream, right?! I really am walking side by side with Shirakawa-san... Right?! How did things come to this? Was she serious about us going out?!
As my heart raced, I stayed silent. My legs moved on their own.
Shirakawa-san, meanwhile, was staring at the note I’d left in her shoe cubby. “How d’you read the kanji in your name?” she asked. “Kuwashima?”
“K-Kashima. Kashima Ryuto.”
“Ryuto, eh? What a cool name!”
Shirakawa-san’s eyes sparkled as she smiled. My pulse had been on the rise for some time now, and that smile and the word “cool” accelerated it even further.
Calm down, Ryuto. Calm down.
I couldn’t properly talk to her if I was too ecstatic. She was totally going to dump me right away. I could practically see her saying “I was kidding. Did you really think I’d go out with you?” and laughing at me in just a few minutes’ time.
That was what I told myself, trying to regain some presence of mind.
“Hey, Ryuto,” began Shirakawa-san innocently. “Have we ever talked before?”
“Huh?! Umm... Uhh...”
For a moment, I considered telling her about that time I’d lent her my pencil, but that had been too trivial. I was worried she might be creeped out by the fact I viewed such an event as us talking.
“No, not really...” I said.
“Hmm, I see.”
I had a question of my own that just wouldn’t leave my mind.
“So, uh, Shirakawa-san... Why did you...offer to go out with me?”
After telling myself all those things to try to calm down, I really couldn’t believe what was happening. Despite my rapid pulse, I could totally see our “going out” simply being us leaving the school grounds for the day. In fact, that possibility felt the most likely.
To be honest, I had a previous traumatic experience with a love confession.
When I’d been in my first year of middle school, an extremely cute girl had sat beside me in class. She’d talk to me with a smile time and time again, touch me often, and when I let her copy my homework, would blush and whisper things like “I think I like sweet guys like you.”
Despite being the same gloomy guy I am now, I had still gotten ahead of myself. I had become convinced it hadn’t been just my imagination, and she actually had a thing for me. In the end, I had mustered up a lifetime’s worth of courage and confessed to her.
To my amazement, she’d completely shot me down. “I do think of you as a good friend, Kashima-kun...” Her troubled face as she muttered those words was still burned into my retinas.
That overwhelmingly bitter experience had taught me something: girls, especially cute and popular girls, were not to be trusted.
In the first place, the fact they were popular made all the guys think “Even I might stand a chance.” Basically, these girls led you on, and if you assumed you were special to them, you’d end up getting hurt.
It hadn’t taken me much thought to realize there’d be no reason whatsoever that a cute, popular girl would come to like a generic, gloomy guy like me. That was why I’d been able to confess to Shirakawa-san. I’d been a hundred percent convinced I’d be getting rejected, so I hadn’t spared a single thought for a different outcome and what could follow.
That was why my current situation felt like I was on the receiving end of a prank. It was hard to accept.
“Huh...?” Shirakawa-san stared back at me in confusion. “You’re asking how I got the idea?”
“I mean, I’m sure you’re not in love with me, and you probably didn’t know me until today...”
We were in the same class, and she hadn’t even known how to read the kanji in my name.
Her reply was rather surprising: “Well, can’t I get to know you now and come to love you?”
“Huh?”
Looking her way, I noticed her tilting her head. She watched me with upturned eyes.
“Like, even you don’t know me well, right?”
I froze at her unexpected statement.
“We haven’t even talked, yeah?” she continued. “You like my looks, right?”
I had nothing to say back to that—what I’d said earlier had already answered her question. When she’d asked me why I liked her, I’d told her it was because she was cute.
I liked her looks. It was true.
Still, I’d been watching her from afar ever since I was a freshman. I’d always thought she was so cute and admired her a lot. I’d always thought I loved her, but now, when she brought up the subject, I realized I barely knew anything about her.
“’Sides, I do like you a little bit.”
“What?!”
Her shocking words made me look her way. The number of sparks flying in my brain doubled, and I was smitten by the sight of her leaning at just the right adorable angle and gazing at me with upturned eyes.
Shirakawa-san was significantly shorter than me, so it wasn’t surprising that she had to look up at me when standing by my side. People thought she looked like a model, but that was because of her small face and her well-proportioned figure—she wasn’t as tall as one.
Also, I’d been smelling something nice for a while now—it seemed floral, or maybe fruity. Was it her scent? I wondered if she wore perfume.
Wait, that’s not important right now. She said she liked me a little bit? That’s impossible! She didn’t even know me before this!
Shirakawa-san spoke up again, as though sensing my internal retort. “Didn’t you just say you liked me?”
“Yeah,” I replied after a pause.
“That’s why.”
“Huh...?”
“What? What’s that ‘huh’ for?”
“I mean, uh... J-Just from that...?” I muttered in disbelief.
For some reason, Shirakawa-san took offense at my words. “Ahh! You think I’m some slut who’d fall for anyone? I have my tastes too, y’know. I would never ever go out with a guy with overgrown nails or a dude who walks around with sweat under his nose!”
Those’re awfully specific! Wait, are those the only things she wouldn’t be okay with?!
As I stood there, astonished at her accurately rumored unfastidiousness, she gazed at me with a sullen look of lingering protest.
“But you’re neither of those, so I was happy when you confessed.”
It wasn’t like I couldn’t relate to what she’d said. If I had a girl I didn’t know at all confess to me, I would probably come to like her immediately unless she was really not my type.
However, that was because I was a thoroughly unpopular guy who’d never had anyone confess to him.
“But I’m sure you’re used to people saying they like you...” I said.
“Whaaat...?”
From the way she looked up at me, it was as though she were asking, “What’re you talking about?”
“Wouldn’t you be happy to hear ‘I like you’ at all, no matter who said it or how many times?” she asked.
While I did think what she said was true...I still had doubts.
“Would it make you happy enough to want to go out with that guy?” I countered.
I didn’t want to get hurt. Just thinking how she might say, “Okay, I actually don’t like you that much to be honest, so forget the whole ‘going out’ thing!” to me tomorrow was unbearable.
Like, if we really did start dating, I was certain I’d fall deeper and deeper in love with her with every passing day. Because no matter how unbelievable this situation was, it didn’t seem to be a joke.
“I mean... That feeling of ‘like’ you have for me...” I began, “isn’t it on the same level you’d ‘like’ a friend? It feels kinda...weak...”
I’d gone and said it. Here I was, having such an unbelievable beauty agree to go out with me, and I’d knowingly said something that would make her hate me! I was such an idiot. A huge dumbass who didn’t know his place.
Sure enough, Shirakawa-san went silent for a short while. I panicked, thinking I really had offended her, but she looked at me again.
“So what? Does it matter?” Her reply was nonchalant. “Even if it’s just a flimsy feeling, if you think someone’s nice and you wanna get to know them better, why not go out with them? And as you two date, even if you only like each other, won’t you eventually come to love each other for real?” she said with a pretty smile. “Though I still haven’t dated anyone long enough for that to happen...”
Seeing Shirakawa-san’s smile change to a self-mocking one, I nervously asked, “Why...?”
Perhaps those rumors about her staying with any one boyfriend for two to three months at most were true. As I cautiously wondered the reason for it, Shirakawa-san went wide-eyed.
“Ahh! You think I get fed up and dump them? It’s the opposite, okay?! I’m super devoted when dating someone! And I always turn down any other guy on the spot if one confesses to me.”
“O-Okay.” Though I’d replied in an agreeable way under pressure, my distrust of cute girls ran deep. “But judging by what you said earlier, if someone confessed to you, even if you had a boyfriend, wouldn’t you come to like that second guy a little?”
“Huh? The hell you going on about?” she said. A huge frown appeared on her face.
Intimidated by a gyaru’s displeased look, a gloomy guy like me could only clam up.
“It’s just annoying if a guy I don’t even like confesses to me, you know,” Shirakawa-san continued. “It’s so gross, actually.”
I remained silent. That’s different from what she said a minute ago... Still, it looked safe to believe she’d be devoted to her partner.
As our conversation went on, Shirakawa-san stopped all of a sudden.
“Which way’s your place?” she asked.
I realized we were already in front of the train station. The station closest to the school wasn’t a particularly large one, but the path ahead of us leading to the ticket gates was full of people coming and going, and it wasn’t even the evening rush hour yet.
We went to a private high school in the Tokyo metropolitan area, so many of the students took the train to school. The station we were at, Station O, had different entrances for the JR train lines and the subway. That was probably why Shirakawa-san had asked her question at this point.
“It’s, uh, by Station K,” I replied.
“Station K, huh. Mine’s by Station A.”
“I-I see... That’s pretty close.”
Station K, which was closest to where I lived, was three stations away from here on the train. Station A was two stations away, and the one just before you got to Station K.
“So like, we’re catching the same train, right?” she asked. “Let’s go, let’s go!”
“O-Okay...”
I ended up following her lead, and the two of us headed to the JR area.
When we rode the train, it didn’t take long for us to reach the station where Shirakawa-san would need to get off since it was only two stops away. This unbelievable situation was about to end, at least for the time being.
Until just a while ago, I’d been worried about whether I’d get through the day at all with how fast my heart was beating, but I was still reluctant to say goodbye to her, oddly enough.
“It’s almost your stop. So I guess...” I began.
I was about to see her off as we approached Station A, but Shirakawa-san looked at me with surprise.
“Huh? You’re not gonna walk me home?” she asked me.
“What?”
Since we were on our way home from school, the idea of walking her to her place hadn’t occurred to me. But she was right—it was something a boyfriend would do.
“O-Okay then...”
It looked like this unbelievable situation wasn’t over just yet.
Since I had a commuter pass, I wouldn’t need to pay to get on the train again later. So I also got off at Station A in order to see Shirakawa-san home.
Station A was a major terminal and there was a shopping district right outside of it. Shirakawa-san’s house was a fifteen-minute walk away once you got past said shopping district.
Frankly, I don’t remember what we talked about on our way there. The fact I was now going out with her hadn’t felt real at first, but that had suddenly changed once I had escaped my usual commute. Now, the overwhelming nature of the situation had my heart racing, and I was freaking out so much I didn’t have attention to spare for our conversation.
“Here’s my place!”
Shirakawa-san stopped in front of a wooden, two-story detached house. It looked pretty old, and the surrounding area was lined with similar houses—it was a quiet and plain residential neighborhood.
I didn’t know what to say about the structure in front of me—I couldn’t have expected Shirakawa-san to live in such a place, given her chic looks—so all I could come up with was something innocuous.
“It’s a nice house,” I said.
“Really? Thanks!” she replied with a happy smile.
She didn’t doubt me for a second and looked genuinely grateful, as though I had been sincere. I didn’t know what else to say. While that cute side of hers made my pulse race, I felt guilty. It made me want to get out of there as soon as possible.
“W-Well, I should be going...” I said, starting to turn around.
However, Shirakawa-san cheerfully called out to me. “Hey, wanna come in?”
I paused for a moment. “What?!” I replied at last.
“My folks aren’t home. Dad’s at work, and my grandma’s at her hula class so she’s not home either.”
So she lives with her grandmother... Wait, hula? Her grandmother must be young... Idle thoughts like those passed through my head for a moment, but there was something more important here: she’d invited me to come into her house. Her empty house.
Just the two of us.
“A-Are you sure that’s okay?” I asked, gulping from nervousness.
Shirakawa-san nodded without any hesitation. “Sure. You’re my boyfriend and all.”
Yeah, but like, I’m just some classmate of yours whose name you didn’t know until only a short while ago, I countered inside my mind. But since she’d said it was okay, I didn’t need to hold back...right?
I wondered if I was about to die—things like this had never been meant to happen in the course of my life.
“Uh, okay then... I’ll take you up on that...”
Thus I ended up visiting the house of my first-ever girlfriend, which she’d graciously invited me into only thirty minutes after we’d started going out.
While I still couldn’t shake off the feeling I was being taken for a ride here, I prepared to set foot into Shirakawa-san’s house. My legs wobbled as things stopped feeling real again.
“C-Coming in...” I stammered.
Once I set foot in the entranceway, an oddly nostalgic smell of another’s home enveloped me. Sitting on the hard concrete floor were several gorgeous pairs of women’s shoes that appeared to belong to Shirakawa-san, simply lying there in plain sight. The unadorned spectacle made my heartbeat rise involuntarily.
“Welcome, welcome. My room’s on the second floor.”
At Shirakawa-san’s urging, I went up the narrow set of stairs that began right by the entrance. On the second floor, I noticed a sliding door, probably leading to a Japanese-style room, and a Western-style door. Shirakawa-san turned the knob on the latter.
“Come on in.”
The room she led me to was, at last, a place that fit her image. It was roughly seven and a half square meters in area, and what immediately grabbed my attention was her curtains and her comforter—they were both a deep pink. While the white dresser and closet standing by the wall felt a little bit cheap, they had fashionable designs and were the kind of styles I imagined girls would be into. Between them was what appeared to be a writing desk, but it was completely buried under pouches and various small items, so I couldn’t imagine it was any good for studying.
On the whole, the room had an overwhelming amount of various little things all over the place: small bottles of what appeared to be makeup, mascot-like stuffed toys, some glittering things that seemed to be accessories, and so on. Despite that, it wasn’t as though things were chaotically scattered around. I could tell Shirakawa-san had put every single thing on display exactly where she wanted it.
In addition, that floral-or-fruity scent of hers was so thick in this room I could choke on it. It was even more of a “girl’s room” than I had anticipated.
“What’s wrong? Come in already,” said Shirakawa-san from inside the room, watching me.
I was still standing outside, overwhelmed. I was too unaccustomed to seeing a girl’s room.
“O-Oh, right...”
Realizing she’d find it weird if I kept standing there forever, I hurried inside.
“Sit wherever you like,” she said in a lighthearted manner and casually placed her schoolbag on the floor. “I’ll go get us something to drink. You okay with barley tea?”
“Oh, y-yeah, thanks...”
Shirakawa-san left the room. The rhythm of her light footsteps oddly matched the intense beating of my heart. How had things come to this...?
I’d only prepared myself for rejection, and yet here I was, in Shirakawa-san’s home, as her boyfriend. I still couldn’t completely accept this situation.
But a different thought dominated my mind. This room I was in belonged to none other than her, the Shirakawa-san I’d known all this time...
For now, I took a deep breath in through my nose. This is her scent... It overwhelmed me with emotion, but then I realized something.
How disgusting can I be?! What the hell am I doing?!
On the other hand, I was all by myself in the room of the girl I was in love with. I could barely control my impulses to do something unsavory. For instance...I wanted to open one of her drawers.
Call it good fortune or whatever, but there was a white chest of drawers next to the door—right by my side—and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was very obvious that the chest held personal things... To put it bluntly, by the looks of it, her underwear must have been inside.
No, Ryuto! This is the last thing you should be doing as a man! As a human being!
But...I want to look...
After some internal conflict, the battle between the angel and devil on my shoulders was over. The devil stood victorious.
“Just a short peek...!”
Offering myself that excuse to ease my guilt, I quickly placed my hand on the drawer handle. After pulling it open a few centimeters, I couldn’t contain my marvel.
“Ohh...”
The white lace that came into view was much too divine, bringing me to a halt. So these are...her private...garments...!
Then, just as I looked up, savoring the happiness of getting to see such wonders...
“Sorry for the wait!”
“Whoa!”
She surprised me so much that I literally leaped several centimeters into the air. In the process, I banged my hand on the drawer I’d just opened.
“Oww...!”
Crap, she’s gonna see!
“Oh? That was open? Sorry!” When Shirakawa-san noticed the drawer, she looked at it without doubting me for even a second. “Aha!” Eyes sparkling, she placed the barley tea in her hands on top of the chest and pulled something from within made of white lace. “Hey, check this out!”
I was dumbfounded. Why was she showing me such things?! Frozen as I was at the sight, Shirakawa-san held out the item in her hands before me without a trace of hesitation.
“Ta-da! Isn’t this cami super nice? I bought it the other day! It would be nice to wear something with an open back.”
For a moment, I was struck mute again. An inexplicable fatigue came over me at the sight of the white lace cami dangling before my eyes.
“Y-Yeah, it’s nice...”
Of course, it was pretty amazing to see Shirakawa-san’s casual clothes, but since I’d assumed it was her lingerie, my disappointment was undeniable. It was a cami... Just a revealing cami...
You really shouldn’t go looking around other people’s rooms without permission, I thought to myself. I inwardly swore never to do such a thing again.
“A’ight, time to drink some tea!” announced Shirakawa-san, picking up the cups of barley tea again. “Sit down, sit down.”
“Ah, sure, thanks...”
Recollecting myself, I was about to follow her directions when a question presented itself in my mind: where was I supposed to sit?
There wasn’t anything like a couch or a legless chair in the room. The chair at the writing desk had a stole or something hanging on it. The only remaining options were sitting directly on the wooden floor or sitting on the bed.
The bed... Wait, the bed?!
Of course, it was normal to use a bed in place of a couch, and it was also normal to sit on a bed side by side and simply talk... But surely it wasn’t normal in this situation?!
This room belonged to the most beautiful girl in my school year, whom I’d always admired—and who, unbelievably, had just become my girlfriend. If we did something like sit together on a bed, I really couldn’t imagine keeping my sanity intact.
“Oh, that’s what’s on your mind?”
I didn’t know what Shirakawa-san thought when she noticed I wasn’t sitting down, but she looked strangely convinced of something.
“Sure,” she said. “Wanna go take a shower? The bath’s on the first floor. I can show you the way if you like.”
“What?!”
Wh-What’s going on? What’s she talking about now? Bringing up showering... That’s going to make me think of that even more...
Or...was she an extreme clean freak who didn’t want to let someone into her room unless they’d had a bath? Maybe she was indirectly saying I stank?
That can’t be right though. She was just inviting me to sit down a moment ago...
But as those thoughts ran through my mind, Shirakawa-san gave me that same look of realization again.
“So you’re the type who doesn’t need to shower first?” she asked.
Huh? W-Wait, so she really is talking about that?
As I stood there, confused, I was even more flabbergasted by what she did next.
Shirakawa-san placed the cups of barley tea down once more and brought her hands up to the chest area of her uniform.
“We had PE today, so I might be sweaty. It’s embarrassing...”
As she said that, she undid another one of her blouse buttons. She kept the top two undone on an everyday basis, and opening a third made the sight even more revealing.
Her deep cleavage came into view along with glimpses of her lacy bra. I couldn’t keep myself from staring and gulping at the sight.
Th-This is Shirakawa-san’s real underwear that she’s wearing right now... Wait, cut it out, Ryuto; she’s gonna think you’re a pervert if you stare like that!
But despite my emotional turmoil, her fingers moved to the next button, and she was about to undo it without any hesitation.
“Sh-Shirakawa-san?!”
It was then that I became convinced of it—there was only one thing she could have in mind here. Having come this far, it could really only be about that. First there was the talk about showering, and then it was followed up by what she’d said afterward...
It was possible... No, it went so far beyond the realm of mere possibility that there was no doubt about it. As unbelievable as it was, she was thinking of having sex...with me.
What, for real?! Is it okay?!
Until that moment, I never could’ve imagined I might be saying goodbye to my dark life as a virgin. And of all people, my partner would be Shirakawa-san. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was...
But wait, just hold on! Is she seriously for real?!
“W-Wait a second!” I said.
Shirakawa-san stopped undoing the buttons at my astonished voice. “Hm? What’s up?” She seemed to find my reaction strange.
“Wh-What are you...doing?” I asked, gulping.
It was definitely too early for this. Even as a guy whose imagination tended to run wild, I hadn’t predicted such a rapid development. Frankly, I couldn’t keep up with what was going on. Maybe there was some mistake. So, before I acted rashly on a misunderstanding, I had to be sure of her intentions.
“What d’you mean? Aren’t we gonna have sex?”
Her ridiculously blunt answer left me frozen up with a face like a moai statue.
F-For real?! Seriously?! Is it really okay?!
As I stood there, panicking internally, Shirakawa-san looked at me with puzzlement.
“What?” she asked. “I mean, don’t you wanna do it?”
“It’s not like that, but... Huh? Huh?!”
It’s okay?! Uh, I mean, if she’s okay with it, then so am I—but wait, seriously?! Like, actually seriously?!
Seeing my total bewilderment, Shirakawa-san gave me a blank look.
“Um... I-Isn’t it a little early?” I continued. “You didn’t even know my name until a short while ago, right? Are you...sure you want to do it with someone like that...?”
I really wanted to have sex. I was at that age when guys craved it. What was more was that I’d be doing it with Shirakawa-san, the girl of my dreams. After all the things I’d done to her naked body inside my mind, the idea of getting to see it in reality was arousing in the extreme.
But now?! I still had a hard time accepting we were going out at all. Things were proceeding so terribly smoothly that my confusion had finally surpassed my lust. What was she even thinking? I was panicking.
“Yeah, but, aren’t you my boyfriend now?” She then gazed at me with those upturned eyes again.
Holy crap, she’s sooo cute!
“B-But even then... You don’t know what kinda guy I am yet, and you’re still okay with it? Wh-What if I turned out to be just a pile of trash?”
“What?”
“Or even worse, if I turned out to be a huge pervert or something...”
“Hey, Ryuto, whatcha talking about? Are you a pervert?”
“I-I’m not! Just talking about the possibilities. I mean, from your perspective, you can’t possibly know what kind of guy I am yet...”
“Whaaat? Are you talking philosophy?” Shirakawa-san looked confused. “It’s not like I have a choice though, right? You’re my boyfriend and all. If I really can’t do it with you, then we’ll break up—what else is there?”
So that was her way of thinking. For the time being, I realized the differences between our ideas of dating. Shirakawa-san thought of it as “let’s try going out for now and advancing our relationship.” I, however, saw our relationship as something I would...probably never get to experience again. I wanted to follow the proper steps in a relationship with the beautiful girl I’d always admired and nurture our love...
And I only realized that just now.
“Wait, you don’t wanna do it with me? Isn’t sex all a guy can think about when he’s alone with his girlfriend?” Shirakawa-san’s confused look had progressed to one of suspicion. Then it turned serious “Don’t tell me...”
Her eyes fixated on the area near the zipper of my uniform pants.
“No, it’s not what you think!”
It’s hard every morning, so please don’t worry about that!
“It’s just... I want to treasure our relationship...” I said. “You’re my...g-girlfriend, right?”
Here I was, stammering at an important moment again. I was ashamed of how obvious it was that I wasn’t used to saying such things.
“In that case, I’d kinda prefer to do things like that when the time is right, you know...?” I asked.
“‘When the time is right’?”
Shirakawa-san frowned.
Why?! Is this really the kind of situation where she should be making such a face?
And actually, wasn’t the way girls and guys treated this usually the opposite? The girl would want to cherish the relationship while the guy just wanted to do it already. That was far too common, and that relationship dynamic felt right to me.
As I thought of that, a certain suspicion crossed my mind.
“Um... Shirakawa-san... Do you, uh...wanna do it that badly?” I asked.
The thought of her being more into sex than a guy fired up a flame in my chest. Is my girlfriend a lustful gyaru? Oh, man... Can my body handle it...? The thought of it nearly had me breathing hard through my nose.
However, as though putting a damper on my imagination, Shirakawa-san’s frown became deeper.
“Huh? Hmm...” She seemed to be worrying about something. “I’ve never thought about if I wanted to do it or not. I dunno. I just thought it was my duty or something... Like, if you go out, you gotta do it. Couldn’t a guy go to other girls if his girlfriend didn’t let him do it?”
The moment I heard that, a small part of my arousal faded into dejection. I suddenly recalled what she’d said a minute ago.
“Isn’t sex all a guy can think about when he’s alone with his girlfriend?”
Then, I thought about what she’d said when we’d been walking together earlier.
“You think I get fed up and dump them? It’s the opposite, okay?! I’m super devoted when dating someone! And I always turn down any other guy on the spot if one confesses to me.”
It had gone in one ear and out the other for me at the time, but didn’t that mean her boyfriends had been dumping her after losing interest in her?
For a moment, I thought, No way, right?
But as a guy, it wasn’t like I couldn’t imagine how her ex-boyfriends had felt. I could see how they might quickly get fed up with her and be drawn to other girls if they got to do Shirakawa-san this easily the day they started going out. And since they’d confessed to her normally and not as some kind of punishment, unlike me, they must’ve been handsome, sunny types full of confidence.
I didn’t know what to say, but I was getting kind of angry. Shirakawa-san wanted to have sex not because she was particularly into it, but because she was a girl who was considerate of her boyfriends. At the very least, that was how she had been until now.
They’d readily jumped on the opportunity, but quickly lost interest and dumped her—that’d nearly be the same as a one-night stand, wouldn’t it?
“So...you don’t wanna do it today?”
“Huh?” Her question suddenly pulled me out of my thoughts. “Well, uh...”
I wanted to. Honestly, I did. I really did.
But if we did it now...I’d be no different from her exes...
Still, though, I really wanted to! I might’ve never had another chance like this. What if she changed her mind and said “Actually, let’s break up,” the very next day?
I wanna do it! I wanna have sex!
But I’d never done it before, and I didn’t know if I could do well... If I were to go through with it anyway after hesitating and then give a poor performance, Shirakawa-san would totally compare me to her exes. She’d end up disappointed. I wouldn’t be able to recover if she laughed at me in scorn or something...not that I thought she was the kind of girl to do such a thing...
Taking everything into consideration, I wasn’t going to ask for too much now. She could keep her clothes on, and maybe I’d just borrow her hand for a moment...
Wait, no! What the hell am I thinking?! My desire was taking over my mind, and I was having weird thoughts.
I was different from her ex-boyfriends. Didn’t I want to prove it with my actions? In that case, wasn’t there only one answer I could choose here...?
“Yeah... Let’s...not do it...today...” I reluctantly said, inwardly shedding bitter tears.
“Huh...” Shirakawa-san said, tilting her head in confusion.
Once again, she looked way too cute like that, and I immediately ended up strongly regretting my decision.
***
Five minutes later, she and I were out on a walk. Back in her room, I couldn’t stop being conscious of the fact that we were alone together, so I couldn’t talk to Shirakawa-san normally as a result. To make it easier, I’d invited her outside.
“So I guess you’re the earnest type,” she suddenly muttered as we strolled around the outside of her house.
I looked at her face, trying to pick up on her feelings. I didn’t see any hint of disillusionment or scorn, so I felt relieved for the time being. If I had to deal not only with my regret over passing up my chance to have sex but also with my girlfriend’s chilly glares, that would be a hell of a string of bad luck.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had a boyfriend like you before...” Once again, Shirakawa-san muttered things as if she were talking to herself.
“Do you mean that in a bad way?” I asked timidly after a moment’s pause.
“Nah.” She looked at me and shook her head. “I was just thinking there are guys like that too, huh?”
That smile of hers was lovely, even in the darkness of the evening. Looking at her now, I felt like my decision earlier hadn’t been the wrong one. Not that I hadn’t been crazy about the idea of doing it, of course...
“Um... Shirakawa-san? To be honest, I, uh...” I figured she’d eventually find out even if I kept quiet about it, so I decided to level with her. “I’ve never...dated anyone before.”
Shirakawa-san opened her eyes just a little wider at my words. Perhaps she really hadn’t ever dated someone like me.
I continued speaking. “I don’t have any good friends who are girls, and it’s definitely not like I’d...go to someone else if you didn’t let me do it or anything. So...” Given the subject matter and the fact we were outside, I ended up speaking quietly. “In the future, if we end up doing such things, I’d like you to actually think you want to do it with me, you know...?”
Maybe she’d laugh at the open display of my virginity, but I wanted us to be a couple who made out because we loved each other from the bottom of our hearts and were in a long-lasting relationship. I’d always dreamed of getting to that point with a girl I loved, wishing for it with all my heart.
Earlier, I’d almost lost control, but I felt like it was for the best that I’d stopped myself.
“At the very least, I’d like you not to think of it as a duty or anything like that,” I added.
I was able to say it at last—the thing I hadn’t managed to properly tell her back in her room.
“Oh, I see. So that was why,” Shirakawa-san said at last, her eyes on me. Her face looked much better now, indicating her pent-up feelings had been cleared away.
“S-Sorry...” I stuttered. “You were going out of your way...for my sake and all...”
“Don’t worry about it. I get now what you’re thinking,” she replied with good humor, before turning to face forward.
Immediately afterward, she said hello to an old woman approaching us with shopping bags in her grip. It seemed amazing to me—I’d never so much as taken a good look at my neighbors’ faces.
She was such a nice girl. I was sure she’d had a relaxed upbringing, being showered with love by both her parents and her grandmother. Admittedly, I was letting my imagination run wild, but the thought was comforting.
Ahh, I’d really wanted to have sex with this cute, wonderful girl... Well, there wouldn’t be any point in continuing to regret my choice...
Her next words startled me.
“So like, if I feel like having sex with you...” she began, trailing off.
I had to check behind me—we’d only just passed the old woman.
“Chill out,” said Shirakawa-san as she giggled, noticing what I did. She then looked at me with those upturned eyes again. “So if that happens, I should just tell you, right?”
“Y-Yeah, that’s right...”
While I hoped that specific scenario wasn’t waiting too far into the future, I couldn’t say that now. If I did, I’d be rushing her and giving her another thing to worry about.
“’Kay!” Her reply and smile were equally cheerful. “Y’know, maybe when it gets to that point, the flimsy feeling our relationship is built on might end up being love.”
My heart fluttered at her words. I was more than sufficiently in love with her already, but if she grew to love me back, and if we could kiss and cuddle as a proper couple... Could I have faith that such a day would ever come?
I’m so glad to be alive. I never thought I’d live to see a day when Shirakawa-san would be saying such things to me! I’m really glad I was born!
After three laps around her house, I saw her to her door again.
“It might be nice not to have sex right away. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this kinda excitement before,” she said to me with a smile, standing in front of the entrance.
Then, as I stood speechless with a pounding heart, Shirakawa-san gave me an extra cute smile and waved at me.
“Later then, bae!”
***
I was on cloud nine as I made my way home. And once I got back...
“Damn it, I should’ve just gone for it! Aggggghhhhhh!!!”
The fact I agonized on my bed in overwhelming regret that evening would be something I’d keep a secret from Shirakawa-san.
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