Promptly taking the pencil, Shirakawa-san bent toward me. I was startled by the sight. I hadn’t expected her to put her form on my desk to write on it. My heart pounded, and I was covered in sweat, but I was elated to have the opportunity to see her at such close range. Her long, downcast eyelashes were dazzling up close. I wanted to peek at her cleavage too, but even though she was bending over, the inopportune angle meant her blouse was in the way of that tantalizing sight.
But man, she was such a sunny, radiant girl. Too sunny, really. If I were her, I couldn’t imagine prioritizing efficiency like this and casually borrowing a pencil from a classmate of the opposite sex whom I’d never talked to before—someone whose name I probably didn’t even know. I wouldn’t have done it even if my own seat were a hundred meters away. And I doubted I could ever understand such a mentality, be it in my next life or any of the following ones.
Through my observations of Shirakawa-san, I had noticed a lot of things like that about her. Despite the fact that she was one of the chosen ones who was always surrounded by crowds of cool friends, she would still talk casually to students who stayed out of the spotlight if the opportunity arose. Watching from a distance, I’d seen that happen several times during my time as a freshman.
Was she capable of such things because she was a genuinely sunny person? Perhaps it meant she didn’t need to be like those people who were preoccupied with looking popular. She didn’t have to avoid the gloomier types or worry about how people saw her, because she was so undeniably popular.
As I sat there, freaking out at her unexpected closeness and having all those thoughts run through my head, Shirakawa-san finished writing.
She looked up at me. “Thanks!”
That radiant, gorgeous smile. The lingering warmth on the pencil she gave back to me. They were powerful stimulants.
The encounter lasted half a minute at most, but it was enough to make me fall in love with her.
I want you to imagine it: a beauty like the ones you see on posters saying “Thanks!” with a smile to a guy. And I’d like you to take into account the fact that guy’s a gloomy sixteen-year-old who’s gone that same number of years without a girlfriend, but is highly interested in the opposite sex nonetheless. How could he not fall in love?
So yes, on that day, I had fallen in love with Shirakawa-san. While I’d admired her before that, I became even more conscious of her after that incident. Of course, that didn’t mean I wanted to actually go out with her. While I was at the age when a guy’s imagination ran wild at every opportunity, I wasn’t about to get that far ahead of myself, you know?
All I could maybe hope for was just a little bit of interaction. Like if she asked me to lend her something again at some point that year, while we were in the same class.
I went about my uneventful school life with just the hope for such a small happiness, and time went on without any notable opportunities to get close to Shirakawa-san until the middle of the first term of the year.
***
One day during lunch break, I was eating with my two friends in a corner of the classroom.
Even I had a few friends, though they were all guys. But if you were to ask me what friends I had other than those two, it would be a little hard for me to answer.
One of the two in front of me yawned. “Man, I can barely stay awake. Didn’t get much sleep last night,” he said as he munched on side dishes from his lunch. He was my classmate, Ijichi Yusuke, aka Icchi.
We’d been in the same class since our freshman days, and we’d become friends thanks to a shared interest. He lived the unhealthy life of a video game addict. He was also a little on the plump side, and given his build and his large height, Icchi’s appearance gave him a pretty big presence. Said presence, however, didn’t stop him from being depressingly gloomy—not that I was one to talk either. Incidentally, he had a face like a sumo wrestler’s, particularly the former yokozuna Asashoryu.
“KEN was streaming in the middle of the night and I just couldn’t stop myself from watching,” Icchi continued. “After that, I was gaming until it started getting bright outside.”
The other guy eating from his lunch box beside me raised his head at those words.
“I didn’t get much sleep because of him either. Got woken up by a Twitter notification real early when he was looking for people to play with,” the second guy said. “I thought it was a rare opportunity and went for it, but the session was full, and I couldn’t join... I was frustrated, so I ended up playing with randoms until it was time to go to school.”
He was a guy from the next class over, Nishina Ren, aka Nisshi. We’d been in different classes the previous year too, but when Icchi had heard there was a guy into the same things as us, he’d reached out to Nisshi, and the three of us had been eating lunch together ever since.
If you only looked at his face, you might think that Nisshi was one of the sunny types, although his soft, round eyes and his baby face made him look more like a middle schooler. Also, in contrast to Icchi, he had a pretty small build.
As for me, I was sort of the middle ground between them—a guy with a medium height, a medium build, and a pretty generic face.
“Wow, guys. You’re amazing. I can barely keep up with his videos,” I said, speaking from the heart, and closed the lid of my now-empty lunch box.
Our shared interest was gaming—or more accurately, the popular YouTuber KEN. All three of us were fans.
KEN was a former pro gamer who uploaded gameplay videos of various types of games to his channel every day. He had become popular thanks to his high skill level and his lighthearted, humorous disposition. By this point, his constantly updated YouTube channel had over a million subscribers and counting.
His zealous fans were referred to as “KEN Kids.” KEN would personally reach out to the best gamers among them to play together sometimes in his videos. That was a secret goal of both Icchi and Nisshi, and they kept working on improving their skill every day.
I, on the other hand, was a completely passive fan who only watched the four or five videos KEN uploaded per day. I’d leave comments on his videos too, and before I realized it, two or three hours would have already passed—it was a pretty good way of killing time. On the weekends, sometimes I’d play online with Icchi and Nisshi, and we’d chat, but since I couldn’t play nearly as well as KEN, it was more fun for me to just watch his videos.
Still, there was something nice about being a passive fan. There was no need to get too deep into it, so you could enjoy the content while living your life at your own pace.
“Oh yeah, we should be getting results for midterms soon...” muttered Nisshi.
Icchi’s face went stiff. “Don’t bring that up, dude! I did horribly on those. Why did KEN have to recruit new active Kids when we had tests at school...?”
“I know, right? I worked so hard for it, and he still didn’t let me join when I applied,” replied Nisshi with a melancholic look. He sighed.
“What about you, Kasshi? How did you do on the tests?”
“Huh?” I said.
Suddenly, my friends’ attention shifted to me. That’s right—those two called me Kasshi.
“Well... I’m not confident I did well either. They were the first tests since we got new teachers, so they focused on different things from usual.”
The three of us had grades that weren’t all that bad. We were all probably in the top third of the cohort in terms of academic performance. This had been my second-choice high school, so as far as I was concerned, I was doing well enough academically.
“Really?! You mean it?! Don’t go betraying us now!” exclaimed Icchi.
“Y-Yeah... Don’t worry about it,” I replied.
However, it seemed like the two of them had done really badly on these particular tests. It wasn’t my problem, but I was a little worried about them.
“This is bad, dude. My parents are gonna chew me out and tell me to quit gaming if my grades get any worse!” whined Icchi.
“Same here, man...” added Nisshi. “They’ve threatened to cancel my phone plan if I did poorly on the tests.”
Icchi firmly grabbed his hand. “You too, yeah?! We’re pals, right?!”
“That’s right,” replied Nisshi. “So how about this—out of us three, the guy with the best grades has to do anything the guy with the worst grades says.”
“Why?!” I retorted, not expecting my complaint to do much.
I didn’t think too much of it at the time and couldn’t find it in me to put more effort into vetoing Nisshi’s absurd proposal. Ultimately, I more or less accepted it.
***
The following week, we had our test results from every subject back. We were on lunch break.
“It’s over... This is it for me...” Icchi lamented. In his hands sat his English test. A number was written on it in red marker—18.
Since he’d earned such a low grade, it was to be expected he had the lowest aggregate score in our group. And while Nisshi hadn’t scored quite as badly, it was still terrible and below his usual levels. In the end, since I’d performed pretty much the same as usual, I’d ended up with the highest score out of the three of us.
“Cheer up, Icchi...” I told him. “I’m sure your mom will let you keep gaming if you promise to do better on finals. Right, Nisshi?”
Nisshi didn’t reply and instead stood there, his face pale. He had a dazed look in his eyes. It seemed to me that my friends’ parents must’ve scolded them pretty badly on a regular basis.
“Come on, guys... It’s gonna be fine...” I continued, trying to console them.
Suddenly, Icchi grabbed my arms firmly. “Hey, you remember our agreement, right?” he asked. His eyes were vacant and creepy like he was some kind of zombie.
“Huh...?”
“We all agreed the guy with the best results would do anything the guy with the worst results said.”
“Y-Yeah, I guess so...” I replied.
“In that case, Kasshi, I order you to confess to the girl you like.”
“What?!”
My involuntary shout in response to the absurd order momentarily drew the dreaded gazes of my classmates. I shuddered.
“Wh-Why? Why would you ask for something like that?” I stammered. “You could ask me to buy you lunch or be your errand boy for a day, that kind of thing. There are so many things you could make me do that would be beneficial to—”
“Dude, shut up! I’m at rock bottom now, okay?! So I’m gonna make you hit rock bottom as well!” yelled Icchi. “You’re as much of a gloomy guy as I am, and guys like us would only get shot down hard if we confessed to a girl! So go on ahead and fall down to where I am right now!”
“What the hell, man? That’s just horrible!”
I mean, I did think it would turn out the way he said, but having a good friend say it to my face was too depressing. I felt like crying.
“What the hell kind of order is that?! Look...”
“It’s fine, Kasshi,” said Nisshi, placing his hand on my shoulder as I began to protest. “I’ll pick up the pieces. It’s the least I can do.” He had a smile on his face that looked a bit too normal.
It was good that he had recovered so swiftly, unlike my other friend, but his face practically had the words “serves you right” written all over it.
“How can you guys be such jerks?!” I said. “You know it’s your fault you two did poorly, right?!”
“Yikes, dude! Showing your true colors, are you now?!” exclaimed Nisshi.
“This isn’t what we agreed upon, man! You promised! Aren’t we friends?!” Icchi firmly added, leaving me unable to think of what to say back.
I had promised them that. And we were friends. In fact, had these two not become my friends, I couldn’t imagine what my school life would’ve been like right about now. I might’ve been going to the bathroom during class breaks without any real need and counting the wrinkles on my hands while waiting for the next class to start...
It was thanks to Icchi and Nisshi that I was spared from such a fate. And now, in this very moment, they had their gazes fixed on me, as though our friendship were at stake...
“Fine!” I said. “I’ll go confess if that’s what you guys want!”
Goodbye, my faint love.
And that was how I ended up having to confess to the girl I liked—namely, to Shirakawa-san.
That being said, the mere idea of a guy like me confessing to the most beautiful girl in my year—or perhaps the whole school—had my knees knocking together.
Still...when I thought about it, no matter how much and how long I loved her, there wasn’t a chance in hell I could ever actually go out with her. In fact, if Lady Luck turned her back on me and Shirakawa-san ended up dating one of my classmates, I might’ve had to endure the sight of the two of them making out right in front of me or some other, similar torture.
Think of it this way: it was better to have her properly reject me before that happened. Then, I could enjoy the rest of my school days sublimating my unrequited love for her.
That was how I desperately psyched myself up in order to avoid losing heart and breaking the agreement I’d made with my friends.
Even if she rejected me, it wasn’t like my reputation would take a big hit from that. Considering Shirakawa-san’s personality, I couldn’t imagine her going around telling all her friends how funny it was that a gloomy guy like me had confessed to her. She must’ve been used to guys approaching her like that. I figured she’d have completely forgotten about me by the next day too.
The Japanese saying “kinen juken” came to mind. It refers to when someone takes a difficult entrance exam for a school that’s way, way out of their league, with no real hope of passing. Since there’s no chance, you just do it for the memories.
To me, Shirakawa-san was like an elite school I dreamed of getting into but never could. I felt like it wasn’t so bad to take her entrance exam for the purpose of making memories. If not for this situation, I was sure I’d never have decided to confess to her at all. That was how I reasoned with myself as I desperately braced myself for what was to come.
Okay. Yeah. Sure, let’s give it a shot.
I wrote a message on a piece of loose-leaf paper during class. My hands trembled as I did.
That day, after classes, I prepared myself for my confession. I felt like I would get discouraged if I put it off. If I had to go through something unpleasant at some point, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. And it wasn’t like it would be the end of the world if she rejected me. I would just go home and heal myself by watching KEN’s new videos or something.
Calming myself with that, I slipped the note I had written into Shirakawa-san’s shoe cubby after the day’s classes were over.
There is something I must speak with you about. Once you have had the opportunity to see this note, please visit the staff parking lot behind the school.
2-A Kashima Ryuto
I wrote my name on the note—I thought she’d be creeped out if it was anonymous and wouldn’t come. And I noted my class because if there was only the name, she could go, like, “Who’s this guy? I don’t know him, so I’m not going.” So, I figured it would be easier to get her to show up if she instead thought, “Dunno who this is, but it looks like he’s in my class, so I guess he wants something from me.”
“What?! Dude, the girl you like is Shirakawa-san?!” exclaimed Icchi from behind me. He’d seen the name on the shoe box and was freaking out. “Of all people...”
“You do realize there’s such a thing as too much ambition, right?!” added Nisshi, just as shocked.
Seeing them react like that, I once again realized just how crazy this was, and my knees started shaking. If I could, I would just take the note back and leave...but I didn’t want to be seen as a guy who couldn’t even keep a promise to his friends.
Calm down, buddy. Calm down, I told myself. For the time being, I had to focus on my mission—professing my love. That was all I needed to think about.
Taking a deep breath and encouraging myself for the umpteenth time, I headed off for my destination.
The staff parking lot behind the school was, to my knowledge, the least visited place on the school’s grounds. At this time of day, when classes had just ended and students were busy with club activities, there weren’t any teachers coming here to drive home yet.
There were at least ten cars, all parked in a line. I stood there all alone, waiting for Shirakawa-san in silence. Icchi and Kasshi were supposed to be hiding behind one of the cars, watching from a distance.
It took some time for Shirakawa-san to show up. A girl like her, someone who lived a fulfilling offline life, never left the classroom before me when school was over. She was always busy chatting with her friends at that point. I had no idea how long it would take her to see my note in her shoe box.
I probably waited for twenty or thirty minutes. When she finally appeared from around the corner of the school, I was relieved, but it felt more demotivating than anything else. By that point, I was prepared for the possibility she’d never show, and I already felt a sense of accomplishment of sorts, despite my confession still being ahead of me.
As she looked around and saw that nobody else was there, Shirakawa-san approached me.
“Did you write this?” she asked, lifting a white piece of paper to the side of her head—the very note I’d left for her.
“Y-Yes, that is correct,” I replied with a trembling voice.
“Hee hee.”
She laughed at me! The thought of it made my face burn with shame.
“Why’re you being so formal?” she asked. “Aren’t we in the same class? We’re the same age and all.”
However, it didn’t seem like she was making fun of me. It was more like she genuinely found my choice of words funny, rather than my wavering voice.
Although I was hit with slight relief, at the same time, I was saddened by the fact she really didn’t know who I was, even though I’d assumed as much. It was still mentally draining to take on challenges you knew you had no hopes of beating, even if you came prepared for them.
“Y-Yeah, we are,” I replied more casually for now, per her suggestion.
Shirakawa-san drew closer and stopped about two meters in front of me. “So...what’d you wanna talk about?”
She spoke in that clear voice of hers that revealed her good nature—she didn’t seem to find it creepy in the slightest to be called out here by some gloomy guy.
Ah, Shirakawa-san... I was too nervous to take a good look at her, but I was sure she looked unbelievably lovely, even at this moment. Shirakawa-san, I really...
Say it. I have to. If I just stand here looking at my feet and never saying a thing, even the good-natured Shirakawa-san will run out of patience.
With that in mind, I braced myself for the worst and raised my head. For a moment, I was dumbfounded by the sight of Shirakawa-san gazing straight at me, my heart struck by her unbelievable beauty.
I opened my mouth, but I struggled to get the words out.
“I li...li-li-li...!”
Oh man... How could I mess up my confession so bad?! Still, since I’d come this far, there was no choice but to get it out there.
“I li-like you!”
Now I’ve done it. Man, I’m such a creep... So gloomy...
I hated myself so much. I wished the concrete under my feet would open up and swallow me to get me out of there.
“Huh?” she asked. “‘Lilacs for you’...?”
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