My Stepsister is My Ex-Girlfriend - Volume 12 - Chapter 2.2

Mizuto Irido: Hearing the Above Story

All I could say after hearing his circumstances was... “Are you trying to brag?”

“Does it sound like I’m trying to brag here?!” Kawanami snapped back so loudly that I had to move my phone away from my ear.

“Well, I mean... You’re saying that you’re being seduced by a girl you were friends with in middle school, right? What is this if not you bragging?”

“A huge problem, that’s what it is! She likes me! Makoto likes me!”

“You’re talking like I know who this girl is. Besides, are you absolutely sure that she actually likes you?”

“H-Huh? No matter how you look at it...”

“Let’s go over what you presented as evidence. First, she casually tapped your shoulder. Then, she held her body against your arm. Last, she fed you. These are all things that friends do too, you know?”

“Are you stupid?! Stop using Higashira as a base for what’s normal! Normal girls aren’t that touchy-feely if they just wanna be friends!”

“Huh? So what are you trying to say? Isana’s been pretending to be my friend while trying to seduce me and fulfill her own desires?”

“Yes!” He’s crazy... Hmm... Or maybe not? “You’re friends, but you’re still a guy and a girl—there should be a certain line you don’t cross. Makoto’s clearly going past that with how touchy-feely she’s been. She... She clearly wants to get in my pants!”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“Higashira was like that too, wasn’t she?!”

He’s crazy... Hmm... Or maybe not? “But here’s the thing, even if that’s true, what’s the problem? Why not just accept her feelings whether you feel the same way about her or not?”

“I can’t...”

“Why not?”

When I asked him, he clammed up. From what I could tell, this girl wasn’t a stalker or anything. Her feelings for him were totally pure. Though one could be jealous, there didn’t seem to be any need to worry about her doing anything crazy. Someone as friendly as Kawanami must’ve had plenty of experiences with these kinds of girls. But also...why was his voice so hoarse? He hadn’t been at karaoke long enough to sing himself sore.

“I...” But right as I thought Kawanami was going to talk, he stopped. “No. Forget it. I was stupid to try and rely on someone.”

“Kawanami?”

“I’m already far away from being a normal high school student. I can’t be like you guys. I’m broken...and there are no parts to fix me in the romance department,” Kawanami said like a monk muttering a sutra. His voice sounded drier as he added, “I just need to accept that already.”

I stared at my phone in silence after he hung up, tilting my head. What...just happened?

Kogure Kawanami: No Longer Human

After leaving the stall, I vigorously washed my face. I was wrong. I should’ve tried to take care of this myself. What am I being so weak for? Why should I try to rely on someone else, especially when they wouldn’t understand even if I explained it to them? I was the only one who could understand the pain I went through. The pain of accepting too much love and there still being so much more behind it, the pain of being killed by someone’s affection... The pain of the aftereffects... There was no way that someone who was only stalked for a little bit could understand. There was especially no way that someone with such shallow experience in love could understand.

Love was supposed to be brilliant, but to me it was as distant as a star and looked ugly and repulsive. I could never feel its warmth again. I could never be in love again. No, what I felt wasn’t so shallow as jealousy like that. What I’d felt had been pure love, but...I could never feel that again. For me, romance wasn’t meant to be experienced, but watched. I wasn’t equipped to do anything besides that.

I left the bathroom, but I wasn’t trying to think of what to do next. Like a zombie, I shuffled back toward the room, but on the way, Makoto was waiting for me in the middle of the hall, leaning against the wall. When she saw me, she walked up to me with a worried look on her face.

“Kogure... Are you okay? You don’t look too good...”

“Oh...” I faintly chuckled.

What a beautiful attempt for her to try and score some points.

“If you’re not feeling well, you should go home and rest. Don’t worry, I can tell everyone for you.”

“Just stop.” The words I’d been holding back this entire time spilled out of my mouth. “I’m so tired of you... Just leave me alone.”

Makoto’s face filled with surprise and she stared at me, confused. “Huh? Wh-What’s wrong?”

“Stop talking to me!” I shouted, passing by Makoto, who jumped in surprise.

I couldn’t stop the hives. I couldn’t stop the nausea. I couldn’t stop the ringing in my ears. I could hear the world flying away from me. It was like I was on a plane and my ears were popping. I could only hear my own thoughts now. All that was left was a corpse-like ball of trash. That corpse had tried to act like a human and was now pathetically wailing. The alternating feelings of anxiety and anticipation when changing seats, the butterflies in the stomach on Valentine’s, crushing on the cute girl at work...those beautiful dreams were nowhere to be found inside me. I was nothing but a beast that’d been left behind in a monochrome world, refused to recognize that I was little more than a walking corpse, and kept fighting for a world of dreams and color that didn’t even exist.

But...whatever. After all, in the end, every last person just forced their desires onto that beast. Even the girl working at the karaoke counter. She definitely wanted something from me. In the daytime, they’d be sweet, changing my clothes like a doll, feeding me like a pet, but then when night came, they’d become a different person and have their way with me.

The group of four high school girls that were passing by in front of me was the same. Just like the key holders on their bags, they wanted to display me too. They wanted to get me down and drain me until there was nothing left. After they satisfied themselves, they’d leave me a husk and parade me around like an achievement. It was in their instincts. That was the true identity of love.

The love I saw was an illusion. Even if it existed somewhere in this world, it was never meant to be something for me. After all, nobody else understood this. Nobody else knew this to be the truth except for me. That was why they could keep on dreaming. But the spell had been broken for me and I couldn’t use dreams to obscure reality.

I knew the truth and I’d continue living knowing this truth. I’d keep pretending to be human despite not being one. It was like I was putting on a human suit to live normally every day and hiding from the eyes of the world. This ringing in my ears won’t stop. But I still have to try and look normal. My head feels like it’s gonna split. But even so, I’m sure the doctors will say that I’m fine. My vision’s getting blurry. If I don’t pretend like I can see, I won’t be able to work, forever and ever and ever...

“Urk...” Suddenly, I felt hot tears spill down my face. Aaagh, dammit. I don’t want to live like that...

“It’s okay...”

I felt a small hand gently patting me on the back. I didn’t know when I’d curled up with my back against the wall, but I slowly looked up and there was A-chan—Akatsuki Minami—wearing an encouraging smile.

“No matter how broken you are, I promise to take responsibility.”

You think...you have the right? At first, I felt anger, but for some reason it faded just as quickly as it’d come. I understood deep down that the person who’d messed up my life was the only one who could take responsibility for me—it could only be her.

“I’m... I’m so tired...”

“I know.”

“I’m so tired of how broken I am... I’m so tired of everything I see... I don’t wanna see anything anymore... I don’t wanna talk anymore. I don’t wanna be touched by anyone... It’s all... It’s all your fault.”

“Then let’s run away,” A-chan said, taking her hand and firmly holding mine. “Let’s run off to somewhere nobody is, somewhere nobody knows you.”

The hives slowly receded. This sensation was my ultimate salvation.