Monogatari Series - Volume 5 - Chapter 6.08

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Nothing to see here, move along.

“We’re getting there,” I said.

Kanbaru’s twelve-mat room was now straightened up enough that it was starting to actually look large. All that was left to do was to return the things she’d left lying around to their original location. It was still too early to relax, but the end was at least in sight.

The perennially unmade futon was being aired out in the yard.

Additionally, the clothes (including underwear) she’d left scattered around her room after taking them off were tumbling in the washer.

“Want to take a break?” I asked.

“Good idea.”

Kanbaru plopped herself down on the floor. She’d already taken the uniform off, by the way.

“Should I go make some tea?” she offered.

“No thanks, I’m not really that exhausted anyways. I just thought a breather was in order.”

“Your cleaning skills really are breathtaking. Maybe I always get this room so messy because I want to see them in action.”

“That’s annoying. Mend your ways.”

“You’ll make somebody a great wife one day.”

“No, thank you!”

The truth is I wasn’t particularly good at cleaning up. But with a room as untidy as Kanbaru’s, anybody’s cleaning skills would seem impressive. It was all about the initial state.

“I wouldn’t mind making you my wife,” she said.

“Well, I don’t think I want you as my husband…”

“I thought you were going to marry me?”

“Maybe if the roles were reversed. Either way, Senjogahara would kill you.”

Heck, she’d probably kill me too.

“At any rate,” remarked Kanbaru, “you and she make a lovely couple, but I can’t help but feel that in the end you’ll wind up married to Hanekawa.”

“Don’t say that!”

“And then I’ll be your mistress. Maybe Sengoku will be Lady No. 3?”

“Ugh…”

What an unpleasant image of the future.

Even though it seemed impossible, a chill ran down my spine anyway.

Plus, the odds were probably on Hachikuji.

The horrifying Araragi Harem.

“C-Come on,” I objected. “Eventually, I’ll marry Senjogahara.”

“What a pie-in-the-sky proposal, but saying it to me? How am I supposed to respond? But the truth is…” As she spoke, her expression was that of a Black Kanbaru, whom I believed had surfaced after she started hanging out with Senjogahara again. “I bet you can’t refuse if I got serious.”

“A-About marriage?”

“No, about an extramarital affair.”

“I’d refuse!”

Probably!

Though maybe not absolutely!

“All I’m saying,” she clarified, “is that your kindness makes it easy for girls to take advantage of you, so you should be careful. For now, I don’t mean anything by it. I like the way our friendship is and have no desire to wreck it, but if you ever did anything to hurt her, then I just might.”

“……”

No one had tried harder to wreck my relationship with Senjogahara than Kanbaru.

What was she, an enemy from the first few episodes? The kind that immediately becomes a friend?

“Actually, come to think of it,” I said, “if I got married to Hanekawa she’d get killed by Senjogahara, too. I wouldn’t like that. Haven’t I told you? There’s no one in the world I owe more to than Hanekawa.”

“Hmm? Her, no…” Kanbaru seemed to hesitate for a moment. “Given their relationship, I don’t think you need to worry.”

“Oh, why is that?”

“They have their own thing going─not that I’m happy about it, but they seem to be satisfied so it’s hardly my place to butt in.”

“…? Huh.”

What was that supposed to mean?

Well, whatever.

“By the way, Kanbaru. While we’re taking a break, how about we try this?”

I set down a deck of hanafuda cards that I’d picked out of the trash and kept, thinking we might play later. It was probably the only spoils of today’s treasure hunt. I’d pretended not see the “Washizu” mahjong set sitting in the same block of junk.

“Hm?”

Yet.

Kanbaru tilted her head as she took the deck from me.

“What’s this?” she asked. “Some kind of card game?”

“Well yeah, sort of… But why would you not know when they were in your room?”

“Oh, hanafuda… I forgot about these.”

Kanbaru opened up the case, removed the cards, and shuffled through them.

“I don’t know the rules,” she told me. “I saw it in a department store and just bought it on a whim. I looked at the pictures once and never opened the case again.”

“Ah, really? I guess I’m out of luck, then. It’s been a while so I felt like playing.”

I don’t know.

Somewhere along the line, hanafuda had become a minor game.

Maybe the most minor card game in the world.

Beat out by Uno, even…

It was older than the Game of Life, so maybe that was that.

“You aren’t out of luck,” Kanbaru said. “Just teach me. Believe it or not, I’m good at learning the rules for competitive games.”

“Are you sure? The rules for hanafuda are pretty complicated.”

“No problem. Don’t lump me in with buffoons who think double-dribbling is when you dribble with two balls.”

“……”

Sorry, I used to be that buffoon.

In any case, Kanbaru had pretty good grades.

I guess it was worth a shot.

It was just the two of us, so the koi-koi variant seemed like the best choice.

“There are a dozen suits of four cards each─pine, plum, cherry, wisteria, iris, peony, clover, eulalia, chrysanthemum, maple, willow, and paulownia─but it’s probably easier to remember them by the pictures.”

I offered a quick explanation and then we settled down into a game.

With stuff like this, you could explain as much as you like, but in the end you had to learn by doing. Once you got the basic combos down, the best way was just to get started.

“My senior Araragi, where did you master this pastime?”

“Hmm. I think it was at my grandma’s house. There’s something nice about the way the cards feel, and it’s cute how small they are. But I don’t have anyone to play with these days.”

“Ahh.” Kanbaru gave a deep nod and cast down her eyes. “Right, you have so few friends… Sorry for making you say that.”

“No! That’s not what I meant! No one knows the rules, that’s all!”

Well.

It’s true that I don’t have many friends.

“Apart from girls,” Kanbaru said, “the number is actually zero, isn’t it?”

“Damn, that’s harsh!”

“And now with Mister Oshino gone… Who am I going to picture you with when I fantasize? The prospects don’t look good.”

“If you’re going to fantasize about that, I’m fine having zero male friends.”

We started with a ten-round bout.

It was a practice game, with commentary.

By the time I, who knew the rules, easily won all ten, Kanbaru seemed to have a clear grasp of them, too.

You take a look at the eight cards in your hand and consider what combos you can make. Once the game begins, you don’t focus on just your own hand but actively block your opponent from forming combos. It doesn’t matter how good yours are if you’re too late─when you’ve figured out that much, you’ve become a real player.

“Ah ha,” Kanbaru said. “How about a real match, then? This is starting to get fun.” Taking another look at the rules pamphlet included in the case, she sat up straight. “Decide who goes first by drawing a card… It even specifies, ‘Refrain from rock-paper-scissors or using dice.’ So old-school.”

“Isn’t it?”

In that regard it rivaled Hyakunin Isshu, the game of a hundred poems.

Of course, that one was pretty minor as well; plenty of people would probably throw their hands up in defeat if they had to play it by the official rules. Musume fusahose, anyone?

“I’m bad at rock-paper-scissors,” confessed Kanbaru, “so I for one am glad.”

“You can be bad at it?”

“You’d be surprised.”

“Hmph…”

It was a sort of match, after all. Maybe she was right.

We drew cards. Kanbaru got a December, and me a September, meaning I’d go first. In koi-koi, though, whoever went first generally had the advantage, so I decided to let the beginner start.

I wondered if Kanbaru might not like such a handicap, but perhaps seeing it as fair sportsmanship, she accepted my offer without ado, saying, Well then.

“Your sisters.”

“Huh?”

“Your sisters,” she repeated. “Even if you don’t have friends, if I recall correctly, you have two little sisters. Don’t you ever play hanafuda with them? From what you said, it sounded like everyone in your family might know how to play.”

“I have a few times, with the younger one─but when we went to grandma’s, the older sister preferred to run around in the fields. In any case, we don’t play like this anymore.”

“I guess that’s just how it goes.”

“I’m sure there are brothers and sisters who do, but we aren’t that close.”

Besides, they were busy.

Busy playing at defenders of justice.

“I’m an only child,” Kanbaru reminded me. “I don’t really know what it’s like to have a sister.”

“It sucks, I’ll tell you that much.”

“Maybe an older brother. My life might have been different if I had one─and of course, I do think of you in that way.”

“I’m honored.”

“May I try calling you like you were really my brother?”

“As long as you keep it normal.”

“Big Brother Koyomi…”

“……”

Shit.

Oh shit…

Maybe she was just imitating Sengoku, but it had a bigger impact than I expected. Saying it straightforwardly, with no funny business, earned her a lot of points.

“Big Brother Koyomi, it’s morning! Wake up!”

“A-Ack…”

“Big brother, you’re gonna be late, hurry!”

“W-Wow…”

“Big brother, you’re such a meanie.”

“I-I’m tingling all over.”

“Big brother, would you like to have sexual─”

“And we’re done.”

Out of bounds.

That was close, she nearly got me.

I guess it applied to Sengoku, too, but it sounded nice and fresh because she wasn’t actually my sister. That seemed to be a big part of it.

Besides, being her senior was one thing, but would I make such a great big brother for Kanbaru? Heck, that was true about being her dear senior, too.

“Okay, here we go,” I said.

The game began. This time we were keeping score.

To make it interesting, we placed a little bet─it wouldn’t be wholesome for high school kids to gamble, so we decided that whoever lost overall would have to do a dare.

A dare.

Well, depending on what, it might end up not being so wholesome. Worst case, betting money would be healthier…

I’m trusting you, Kanbaru!

And I don’t mean that as a setup!

“………”

“………”

And so.

Ten more rounds.

This time it wasn’t a practice game─

But I still won all ten.

“Umm…”

Suruga Kanbaru.

She may have been quick to learn the rules─but man, was she weak.

What was up with her? How could anyone be so unlucky?

I could see why she might be bad at rock-paper-scissors.

It wasn’t classy, but when I felt curious afterwards and did a quick count, almost all of her hand consisted of “plain” cards. On top of that, she’d been dealt plains of the same suit. Three December ones in your hand? Kiss goodbye to any strategy.

Right, and when we were deciding who’d go first, she’d promptly pulled a December.

I had some experience, but it had been so long that I figured a beginner like Kanbaru would make for a good match… I was fairly stunned that it turned out so one-sided.

Not so much as a single tie.

I didn’t remember for sure, but didn’t the rule structure mean a significant chance of tied rounds?

Hmm…

Well, fine.

Since it was ultimately a game of luck, there were bound to be days like these. If we played again tomorrow, it might be me in Kanbaru’s position. Was she born under an unlucky star, was more misfortune and heartache waiting in her future? No, I certainly thought no such thing.

Yet.

“…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………”

Kanbaru had grown extensively silent.

Who does for six whole lines of ellipses?!

The look in her eyes wasn’t the Kanbaru I knew, either─well, she tended to look dapper, but with her hair growing out she seemed more feminine, making the distance in her eyes downright frightening.

Her cheeks were slightly puffed out, which was cute, but she did appear sullen.

The set of her mouth also seemed pretty tense.

Some people couldn’t help sulking when they lost, no matter at what. So Kanbaru was Exhibit A…

Wow, she felt sore? She could be surprisingly childish at times.

“Sh-Should we get back to cleaning up?” I asked. “Maybe we’ve been playing too long.”

“Oh ho, look who’s trying to cut and run,” she growled. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or to the tatami. “I shouldn’t have to tell you, but I hold you in the highest esteem.”

“O-Okay.”

“Indeed, my devotion to you is almost religious. When I call your name, my lips might say ‘my senior Araragi,’ but my heart is saying ‘my savior Araragi.’”

“I wish it didn’t…”

“This is rather craven of such a man, isn’t it? You disappoint me. How crass to try to cut and run. Are you afraid of losing to me?”

“Actually…I just don’t want to win anymore.”

Kanbaru, however, refused to let me get up and demanded that I deal the cards once again.

I wondered if this was how a gambler behaved on a losing streak, but I’d never thought Kanbaru was the type to care so much about winning.

Well, I suppose she wouldn’t have made it to the nationals otherwise.

If you didn’t mind losing at all, you were, in a sense, sick.

But hating to lose only when you couldn’t win was just the worst.

“What is this,” she reprimanded. “The game isn’t over yet. Are you trying to make a fool of me by quitting before we’re done? It says right here in the rules, a game lasts twelve rounds. That means we still have two more hands to play. Why don’t you wait until you’ve actually won to start congratulating yourself?”

“With the lead I’ve got, there’s no way two rounds will be…uh, never mind.”

Kanbaru glared at me so hard that I fell silent.

What else could I do? We both sat in silence as I finished dealing out eight cards each.

I started by rearranging mine so they’d be easier to play.

I still had to be friends with Kanbaru after we were done. Even if it was too late to lose the game, I could let her win the last two rounds and feel better about herself… Yet it was up to luck in the end, so losing on purpose was easier said than done.

I could play as poorly as I liked, but if my opponent didn’t form combos then there was nothing I could do.

How to go about this… Oops.

“Um,” I said.

“What are you waiting for? You’re first.”

“I’ve got a same-four. Sorry.”

I had all four willow cards.

Making a teshi, or same-four. It was a special combo based on the cards in your hand upon dealing.

“It’s, uh, worth six points…”

Kanbaru silently entered them on the chart we’d created on her cell phone. There was no sadistic rule that the loser of a round had to keep track. She just happened to volunteer to be the scorer at the outset and just happened to be losing every round.

Let’s see. I was winning by…about fifty points?

“Now, that was a rare hand,” I said. “How about we end on that note?”

“Wait, you piece of... Nkk. There’s still one more round left.”

She’d nearly cussed me out but cut herself off. She had great self-control but was exerting it for a pretty shabby reason.

Hey, it’s only a card game.

“Relax,” I told her. “Bracelet, bracelet. We’re just playing.”

“How do you win with an attitude like that?!”

“I’m winning, though.”

“Urk.”

“It’s a game, so can’t you at least try to enjoy it? Take Sengoku. She taught me how to play Twister, and she seemed to be having fun even though she lost to a beginner like me.”

“So you don’t know. You’ve yet to encounter the true final boss…”

“Huh? What?”

“Nothing. It’s not for me to say.”

Next, Kanbaru leaned over. I dealt, despite myself.

Geez, she was the type to build a fortune in sports and ruin herself at the gambling table… Oops.

I glanced down at the cards in my hand, and my eyes widened.

“Kanbaru…”

“What is it?”

“Let’s decide our dares in advance.”

“Well, aren’t you eager. As for mine, it’ll be my sexual demands─I mean, sexual commands.”

“Really? You could dare me to drop dead if you like.”

I countered Kanbaru’s entirely unwholesome remark with a dare that couldn’t be more wholesome.

“Don’t ever get into gambling.”

I’d been dealt another special hand.

This time it was a full-eight.