Monogatari Series - Volume 4 - Chapter 0.05

005

Dramaturgy.

Episode.

Guillotine Cutter.

Those were the names of the trio who robbed Kissshot of her parts─or so she said.

While Kissshot told me about each of them and their traits, words didn’t seem adequate to the task.

It was like she was explaining in a foreign language, so my mental image of all three of them was fuzzy. But the most important point about them was beyond easy to understand.

The man named Dramaturgy: her right leg.

The man named Episode: her left leg.

The man named Guillotine Cutter: both of her arms.

They had taken her limbs. Which was why she’d been on the verge of death─in fact, Kissshot wasn’t just on the verge, she would have surely died if she hadn’t sucked my blood.

Despite being immortal.

She would have died.

And she understood that better than anyone else. She’d resigned herself at that moment. Though she narrowly escaped, barely alive, from the trio, escaping was all she could do.

“Why─”

As she explained this to me, I couldn’t stop myself from interrupting her.

“Why would they steal your arms and legs?”

“I am a vampire. Ye humans─well, not thee, but humans call those like me monsters,” Kissshot said matter-of-factly. “It is only right for monsters to be exterminated.”

“……”

“Those three specialize in slaying vampires─it is those bastards’ profession to kill me. Ye’ve at least heard of the existence of those who specialize in eliminating those like myself, have ye not?”

I guessed so. They were discussed hand-in-hand with vampires. My memory was fuzzy, and it wasn’t like I knew all that much to begin with, but I had at least heard of them.

“So they slew you?”

“Don’t be a fool, I haven’t been slain yet─but having my limbs stolen hurts. I’ve nearly none of my regenerative power left, and in my current state, I can hardly fight.”

“I see.”

“Which is why,” Kissshot went on, as if stating an obvious conclusion, “ye shall contend against the three and simply return to me my limbs.”

“Huh?” I was dumbstruck. “‘S-Simply’?”

“Well, though I cannot provide thee with details at the moment, in order to turn thee back into a human, I must be at my full power, in full form, so to speak. And for that, I absolutely require those limbs.”

“B-But me, fight? It’s totally not my thing, you know?” I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I started to sound like I might have. “I guess my reflexes aren’t terrible, but they’re not great, and you can see how I’m built. I’ve never been in a fight before… Oh, and, wouldn’t they just try to slay me, too?”

I, too─for the time being─was a vampire.

The chances were high. After all, I would be up against a trio whose specialty was slaying vampires. Even if they let me off the hook because I was a former human, why would they simply hand back limbs they’d won in battle?

“Fool. That was when ye were human,” Kissshot said, appalled. “As my thrall, and now that I am at my weakest, it would be simple for thee even to slay me.”

“Ha, are you weak for a vampire or what?”

“Nonsense!”

I got scolded. Basically, she was a scold, this one.

“How can thou reach such a conclusion from what I’ve said? I’ll have thee know that I sit among the top rank of vampires. They call me the aberration slayer.”

“The aberration slayer…”

If that was supposed to sound fearsome, I wasn’t, you know, feeling it? To begin with, what was an aberration? Was it like a yo-kai? Whatever.

“Um, even if I’m stronger than you in your weakened form… Even if I am, those three were able to take your limbs from you when you were at your full strength, right? Your full form? In that case─”

“I slipped up only because there were three of them. I’d made light of them and was completely unprepared. I’d presumed I could take even three of their ilk together.”

“Huh…”

“In short, faced one at a time,” Kissshot said─overbearingly─“they pose no problem for thee. To put it plainly, ’tis an easy job, and a cheap price to pay for turning back into a human.”

It wasn’t as though her vague reassurances had persuaded me, but that was how I ended up walking around town at night.

It was a while after the sun had set that I was finally able to leave that abandoned cram school and grasp exactly where I was. The place’s coordinates were on the outskirts of my already provincial town─in fact, I’d had no idea that such a building, some bankrupt cram school, even existed out there. I imagined that it was forced out of business when one of those major cram school chains decided to open up in front of the station. While it was perfect as a hiding spot, I was amazed that Kissshot had found it…

I’d already called home.

Fortunately, it was my little sister, the older one, who picked up. I asked her to tell the others that her big bro was using spring break to go on a journey of self-discovery.

She seemed to buy it.

…But didn’t that mean she saw me as the kind of older brother who was at risk of setting out on “a journey of self-discovery” at any moment? Kinda pathetic.

Immediately afterward, I received a text from the younger of my two little sisters.

Both of them were still in middle school and weren’t allowed cell phones. She’d sent the message from the computer in our living room.

“Dear big brother,

“I know that, at times, we all have to lose our way. But when you have a moment to reflect, try to remember. Where was it that Mytyl and Tyltyl found the bluebird of happiness?”

………

Chastised by my little sister…

I was honestly upset when I realized that I’d wasted some of my phone’s battery on receiving the message.

I did have to recharge my phone somewhere… I couldn’t just go home and pick up my charger, and maybe I needed to buy a new one at a convenience store. Since there was no way the electricity was turned on in the remains of that cram school, a battery-powered one. Of course, it wouldn’t have to come to that if I wrapped it up before my battery died.

“No problem for me? They aren’t my problem, okay? I should’ve told her they’re her problem.”

But…maybe it was an easy job after all?

While I didn’t fully believe her at first, it did seem as though my abilities as a vampire were the real deal─but explaining how I tested them might be incriminating. In light of laws against the destruction of property, permit me to remain silent.

Hey, if a building is abandoned, then a little damage here or there─you get the idea.

“At any rate─I feel like we’re overlooking something,” I’d said.

Kissshot’s words had left me wondering. That, plus the fact that the whole exchange had proceeded at such a clip.

“So, where are these three?”

“I haven’t a clue.”

“You haven’t a clue…”

“Thy concerns are unneeded and uncalled for. Walk around at random, and they shall find thee─these are professional vampire hunters, remember. Finding vampires is what they do.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Aye. They should pose no problems while we rest easy in here, but if we walk outside at night, when our vampiric powers thrive─they will surely come buzzing like insects to a lamp.”

“……”

“They must be roaming this town at this very moment, searching for me. With any luck, it will be settled tonight.”

Keh heh heh, Kissshot had let out a disconcerting laugh.

Hmph.

Well, not having to look for them was neat… Because how would I even do that? I had nothing, least of all personal connections. No way.

Still─that conversation proceeding at a good clip didn’t sit right with me. Shouldn’t I be questioning a whole number of things? Even if it was a hard fact that I’d become a vampire? For example. I leapt straight on it when she said it, but…would I really be able to turn back into a human again? What proof did I have that Kissshot wasn’t lying?

She could be using me in order to recover her arms and legs. Feeding on me hadn’t been enough, so she was literally using me as her right-hand man─not to mention her other limbs.

No, Kissshot was clear from the beginning─these weren’t orders, they were a threat. She would be relying on me.

…But if I got nothing in return, there was no way I’d agree to help her. And to get me to, she lied─and said she could turn me back into a human. Was that it?

Luring me. With a lie. I wanted to become human again─and Kissshot had predicted that from the beginning.

“……”

No.

If I was her servant, she didn’t need to do anything so convoluted. She could order me, right?

…Mmh.

No.

In her current state, she had lost most of her skills as a vampire─so maybe she had to lie to keep me under her command?

That actually made sense…

While she did look to be about ten now, with that ten year old’s body of hers…when I recalled her original visage, she seemed to be quite intelligent. At the very least, if she’d spoken truly, she’d lived for five hundred years.

She couldn’t be dim.

And anyway─it felt like I hadn’t asked the most basic question of all. It was as if I’d been so caught up in becoming human again that I was neglecting a crucial point: I hadn’t asked why Kissshot was even here in Japan, and moreover, in such a provincial town, to begin with.

Yokai really didn’t seem to be the right word. But in any case, vampires were Western monsters, right?

As for the three guys─hadn’t Kissshot essentially brought them to Japan?

“…Hmmm.”

Whatever the case, all I had were guesses. Whether or not Kissshot was scheming, I had no choice at the moment but to believe her, to cling to her words. It was she who had grasped the initiative, without question.

First I would get her limbs back─we could talk after that.

Her story may have been made up of whole cloth, but she couldn’t have been lying about the vampire-slaying specialists, too.

And it was then, as I was doing as Kissshot had told me to, trudging along a sidewalk-less street as bait, that I came across a fork in the road─and it happened.

I had to wonder, for someone who had lived for five hundred years, could that vampire called Kissshot Acerolaorion Heartunderblade actually be pretty dim?

Faced one at a time, they pose no problem for thee─or so she’d declared, but where did that premise come from? She was the one who lost because there were three of them. Her own words!

Far from proceeding at a good clip─what an idiot I was.

But─it was too late.

Or, in a way, maybe I had realized just in time? I did envision that very situation a second before it occurred.

With any luck, it will be settled tonight─that was what Kissshot had said, but without any─it would also be settled tonight.

With me dying for a second time.

“Wh-What am I supposed to do?”

First, from ahead and to the right─

A massive man who looked over seven feet tall was walking my way, a greatsword with a wavy blade in each hand. They talk about a mountain of a man, and I could see his powerful frame all but bursting through his clothes; I could have used each leg of the jeans he wore as a sleeping bag, and you could’ve made five of my shirts from the material it took to make his.

As if to hold back his unkempt hair, left to grow for God knows how long, he wore a hairband above his forehead.

A grim expression on his face, his mouth shut and perfectly straight, this man slinging two wavy greatswords who seemed to be made of pure muscle─glared at me.

He looked exactly as he’d been described to me.

That man─was Dramaturgy.

The man who took Kissshot’s right leg from her.

“U-Uurgh.”

And ahead, from the left─

A man was closing in on me who seemed to cut a slim figure, and not just in comparison to Dramaturgy. There was still some youth left in his face, but there was nothing innocent about the look he gave me. While it’s a common saying, if looks could kill, I’d have died then and there. That was how sharp his sanpaku eyes were. He wore a white traditional school uniform, which, depending on your perspective, really did make him appear young─but the gigantic cross he balanced on his shoulder with one arm did much to dispel that impression. It looked like someone had taken one of those plain crosses you wore as an accessory and multiplied its size fiftyfold. A lump of silver, the cross was comically large, about three times the size of the man, and probably his own weight cubed. It wasn’t a stretch to imagine that the cross was used not as an instrument of worship, but in combat.

The man seemed to look straight through me, and even appeared to have a slight grin on his face. And together with that gigantic cross on his shoulder, he approached me.

He looked exactly as he’d been described to me.

That man─was Episode.

The man who took Kissshot’s left leg from her.

“Wh-What should I─”

Then, from behind─

I didn’t know since when, but a man wearing priestly robes who looked almost docile, at least compared to the two to my front, was following me. His hair brought to mind a hedgehog, but that was the only part of him that signaled danger, and his demeanor seemed downright peaceful. I couldn’t tell what lay hidden in his eyes, so narrow that I could barely tell whether they were open or shut, and at the very least, unlike the other two, he had nothing, be it greatsword or cross, that smacked of a weapon─but that seemed to be the most notable aspect of this priestly man of all. For despite his appearance, he’d taken twice as many parts from Kissshot as the other two.

The priestly man, with his unassuming face and empty hands, closed in on me at a natural pace.

He looked exactly as he’d been described to me.

That man─was Guillotine Cutter.

The man who took Kissshot’s right and left arms─both of them─from her.

“Heck, there isn’t anything I could do!”

Experts at slaying vampires.

Dramaturgy, Episode, Guillotine Cutter.

The three men were converging─on me.

It was as if the forked road had been placed there for this exact moment.

There was nowhere to run. I was a trapped rat.

“Whaa? For real? Gotta love it.”

The first to speak was the man shouldering the gigantic cross─Episode.

True to his appearance, his speech was a jumble.

“Ma-a-an, it isn’t Heartunderblade. Who is this guy?”

“■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■”

So replied the hulking man─Dramaturgy─to Episode, ignoring me though I was caught between the two. His tone seemed stern and wholly solemn, but I wasn’t able to make out his words.

While it surely wasn’t out of consideration for me, the priestly man to my back─Guillotine Cutter─said, “Now, now, Mister Dramaturgy.” His voice was gentle. “Speak the language of the land you’re in. That should go without saying.”

“…ck.”

I made to look behind me, then realized that would mean turning my back on Dramaturgy and Episode. I was unable to move.

Guillotine Cutter, like the other two, paid me little heed and continued, “But it does seem to be the case, Mister Dramaturgy. I dare say─no, I’m certain─that this young man must be Miss Heartunderblade’s thrall.”

“Seriously?” muttered Episode, his displeasure evident. “I thought that vampire had a notion about not creating thralls?”

“She did create just one in the past, I’ve been told.”

“■■■…, perhaps, we drove her to have no other choice…but to create an underling to act as her arms and legs,” Dramaturgy said, now in Japanese.

With his body that looked like a mound of muscle, I’d assumed he was a meathead…but he hit the mark when it came to what I was.

“Are you tellin’ me,” Episode said, the grin still on his face, the giant cross swaying on his shoulder, “the whereabouts of Heartunderblade, which we’ve had so much trouble ferreting out what with her faded presence, is something we can just beat out of this kid’s body?”

“That would seem to be the case,” Guillotine Cutter callously seconded Episode’s menacing words─and Dramaturgy joined them with hopeful ones of his own.

“We’d better receive a separate bounty for slaying this boy in addition to Heartunderblade.”

What had I been expecting?

Overlook me because I was a former human, after all? How could I ever think that? It went beyond wishful thinking.

From the outset, they were treating me like I was nothing. Ignoring me the whole while.

They didn’t recognize me as a living thing. My very existence seemed to count for nothing.

It was Guillotine Cutter who said, “Hmph. What to do? It will take a bit of work if we’re to take Episode’s suggestion and learn Miss Heartunderblade’s whereabouts from this boy.”

“I got this. Whoever smelt it dealt it,” Episode said, laughing. “I’ll kill him without doing any permanent damage.”

“No, let me,” Dramaturgy chimed in. “I’m the most suitable one for tasks like these. I get along best with vampires.”

“I don’t particularly mind doing it, either,” Guillotine Cutter put himself forward too, albeit in a modest manner. “The two of you must be tired.”

“D-Don’t be talking crap!”

Gathering up my courage─I yelled. Not to any one of the three in particular. Avoiding eye contact, I yelled.

“Y-You guys, try to talk things out with me or something─don’t be going straight into how you’ll put me down… I’m a human, okay?! Are you gonna murder a human?”

“……”

“……”

“……”

While it was only for a moment, they went silent. It made me think my words must have gotten across to them.

But─that was all.

While my words may have gotten across, their meaning didn’t. Not one of them attempted to respond to me.

“Why don’t we do this the usual way,” Dramaturgy said.

“’Kay. So first takes it?” Episode said.

“Very well. Fair competition provides a chance for all of us to hone our skills,” Guillotine Cutter said.

And then─nearly simultaneously─the three vampire hunters leapt toward me where I stood in the center of the forked road. It was probably only thanks to my vampire eyesight that I saw their movements. Not only could I see through darkness, my eyes had incredible dynamic vision─but.

What good was being able to see them?

What could I possibly do?

“A…Aaaaaaaahhh!!”

The course of action I took was, in most likelihood, the most idiotic one conceivable. That’s to say, holding my head in my hands, I curled my back and crouched down to the ground. I ditched offense, but nor was this defense─my stance was an attempt to escape reality.

It was impossible.

Of course it was.

What was I even thinking?

I wasn’t the protagonist of some manga or movie or game─I was a mere high school student, so why was I out trying to fight vampire hunters?

What was this, some superpowered school action series? Of course I couldn’t win.

So what if I’d been able to punch through a concrete wall? So what if I was able to jump high and move fast? What good would those powers do me?

Like I said, I’d never even been in a fight before─I had no one to fight with! I didn’t know any martial arts or anything!

God damn it.

I’d already thrown my life away. Given it to Kissshot.

So then─why was I clinging to it so dearly now?!

“──ck!”

………!

………, ……….

Yet…

No matter how much time went by─no matter how long I waited─none of the three began to rain down attacks on me.

What now─were they going to toy with me? Or was I so pathetic that they were stunned? Did I kill the mood by─no, of course not.

They weren’t going to toy with me. I barely registered as there in their eyes. Which is why I lifted my face, buried in my knees─and peeked up.

And then.

“…Ha hah!”

I heard an easygoing laugh.

“You’re in the dead center of a residential area…and yet you’d swing swords and hammer down with a cross and say menacing things? You three sure are spirited.”

Catching both of Dramaturgy’s wavy greatswords, one between the index and middle fingers, the other between the ring finger and pinky of his right hand─

Receiving Episode’s gigantic cross with the sole of his right foot like it was all in a day’s work─

Suppressing Guillotine Cutter’s nimble move with an outstretched left hand, without even touching─

Who was he?

Some older guy just passing by.

Still standing on one foot, he asked, “Something good happen to you three?”