Monogatari Series - Volume 24 - Chapter 2.02

002

‘What I say stays in this room.’

Throughout human history, anything prefaced with ‘what I say stays in this room’ never really manages to stay in that room – let alone these days, in a world where as soon as someone picks up even your own mutterings, they become the talk of the town. Putting aside where that phrase even came from (‘talk of the town’? Since when could towns talk?), as soon as I ask that question, the meaning of that phrase would become the talk of the town, or even the world over.

I bet by the time you hear something like ‘this stays between us’, you’d already be the hundredth person hearing it – for me, especially, I imagine myself to be the last possible person to hear of it; the seven-billion-five-hundred-millionth man, I am.

What I say stays between you and me.

And so, when that year twelve high school girl from my alma mater, Naoetsu High School, the flowery Higasa Hoshiame said those words to me,1 those were the thoughts that ran through my head. Deary me, looks like a rumour’s reached its final possible recipient.

Rumours – or perhaps a spook.

An urban legend.

Word on the street.

Chinese whispers.

Or who knows, it could be actual hot gossip – whatever it was, she has been talking about the glorious Naoetsu High School Girls’ Basketball Club she’s part of up until now, and she was on the verge of running out of topics to talk about, so I agreed to take some time for a break.

And some breaking news it was that sprang from this break time.

Incidentally, if you ask me which room ‘in this room’ is referring to, that’d be my own room in my house, the room of Araragi Koyomi, a Manase University fresher in Mathematics.

And she really seems to be Kanbaru Suruga’s best friend, as she said,

‘So this is the bewitching bed of the esteemed Araragi-senpai! I’m truly humbled!’

Upon which Higasa-chan ignored the cushion I’d prepared, and dove straight onto my allegedly bewitching mattress. I thought she’d break the springs, but then I wondered if she’s part of the swimming club and not the basketball club, such was the beauty in her form.

‘This must be the bed you’ve conquered innumerable girls with in high school! Your reputation precedes you; I’ve heard all the stories!’

Who knows how many things about me that ‘weren’t supposed to leave the room’ she’s heard from that superstar friend of hers…I wish she’d stop frolicking on my bed with some excuse like ‘I don’t want my uniform all wrinkled’.

Right this instant.

‘Oh no, excuse me. My impulses have gotten the better of me. See, I’m the type who sleeps better when on someone else’s bed.’

‘A messed up gal, you are. What do you even mean “type”, you’re the only one who’d fit in this category! Get outta my sight right now – no, don’t, get to the hospital right now; I’ll take you there if I have to.’

‘You’ll take me there yourself? How gentle of you~ So this is how you brought all those girls on their knees back in high school – girls and high school girls!’

‘Can you not make me sound like some philanderer? Back when I was a high school boy, I didn’t bring any high school girl on their knees – if anything, I’m the one who got constantly brought on his knees by them…’

‘Sure you did!’

She said as she continued her ruckus, although I didn’t tell her the whole truth – it was less about love, more like bringing me down to hell.

And then there’s one high school girl who slipped on the stairs and came down from the heavens…not that I invited Higasa-chan here to memorialise my memoirs though.

No, I didn’t invite her. She invited herself.

She came at her own time and leisure.

…If anything, I don’t remember any girl I’ve met who’s invaded my personal space this quickly.

A swift attacker, she is.

Even back in high school, the girl who I’m fortunate to still be together with as lovers, Senjougahara Hitagi, even she wouldn’t step into the Araragi household this easily…didn’t it take her half a year just to step into this very room?

Call this a generation gap…no, not that I’m the sort of old timer who’d have any expectations on girls and chastity.

Besides, Higasa-chan’s in the same year and class as Kanbaru, so she’s only a year younger than me…whatever the difference was, it definitely wasn’t six hundred years.

Do, however, allow me to defend my junior’s honour: Higasa-chan didn’t come to her senpai’s place for no reason at all – even if she did jump on my bed for zero discernible reason (though if a high school girl did have reason to jump onto the bed of an ex-high school boy, that is, me, then that’d be bad); the reason Higasa-chan came to my place was, as I said before, because of that case that happened to my alma mater’s Girls’ Basketball Club; she’s having trouble letting go.

A giant mess, that was.

And even though we’re from the same school, back when I was still there, a girl as bright and energetic and had no darkness in her heart as Higasa-chan was not the kind of person I’d have associated with in any capacity, so the first time we met was only just recently – in other words, as I’ve said earlier, this girl who’s exchanged numbers with me only a few days ago was now messing about on my bed.

‘Higasa-chan, I may as well say this from the get-go: the most this bed has seen was a middle school girl who cupped her breasts wearing nothing but gym shorts, alright?’

‘Isn’t that just plendifermaxigargantuapocalypticalifragilisticexpialidociously bad?’

So warped was the word I never would’ve gotten ‘plenty’ from it. The shock from that revelation was such that the normally sunshiny Higasa-chan became gloomy all of a sudden. Mm, I thought to myself, that’s not quite right.

The ‘mummy incident’ from the death-prepared, death-inevitable, death-certain vampire, Deathtopia Virtuoso Suicidemaster may look like it’s over thanks to the stealthy assistance from the specialist, Gaen Izuko (and it really was a stealthy job), but there were still traces left behind, and neither was its root cause neatly exorcised.

Once balanced between the leadership and charisma of two colossi, Kanbaru Suruga and Higasa Hoshiame, the Naoetsu High School Girls’ Basketball Club was now dented, derelict, deteriorating, disintegrating, busy tearing itself apart. Such real problems were probably harder to face than some vampire of legend.

But now that we’re here, we can’t leave it be – I’m not some feline character who’d respond pithily with ‘I don’t know everything, I just know what I know’, but as someone who got involved with that drama, I resolved to see this problem through.

Doing all I can, as a human.

Doing all I can, as an ex-vampire.

…Well, given that during the process of Gaen-san asking me to help with the ‘mummy incident’ I had Higasa-chan hand me a forbidden list of pretty high school girls and their pretty personal information, I do owe her something potentially life-disrupting for me.

It wasn’t my intent to access every member’s private information within the Girls’ Basketball Club…either way, Higasa-chan came to the Araragi household today to meet me so we could work out the details.

Alone.

Kanbaru was going to join us too, but she cancelled at the last minute – I personally hope she’s studying for the entrance exams, but I guess she’s still a busy character all the time.

As long as she’s not playing with Ougi-chan…but no, honestly, I can’t say for sure.

Surely I’m not the kind of person who’s fooling around with his juniors back from high school because he can’t fit into university life? – but this isn’t fooling around, this is something so serious that lives are at stake.

Then again, there is some truth in saying I haven’t adjusted to going from the most senior cohort to the least…compared to Kanbaru’s social life or the future of the Girls’ Basketball club, perhaps re-evaluating my own life would prove more personally pertinent.

Anyway, in order to tell myself that ‘Araragi Koyomi is having a great time at university’, I recently sent an electronic mail towards a new friend I made at uni, Hamukai Meniko.

If lady luck’s on my side, she’d probably notice it some time this month…anyway, where were we?

‘So, Higasa-chan, what’s not supposed to “leave this room”?’

‘Uh…is it really okay if I said it here…? I don’t know if this room’s secure or not. This room isn’t bugged, is it?’

‘Who am I, some spy being watched by the government?’

That I did not say, for I couldn’t be so sure.

Even if this room isn’t bugged, there’s still a blonde, gold-eyed young girl inside my shadow, and there’s also a corpse dressed as a plush next door – the two always watching over my every tiny move.

Every move I make, every step I take.

But I guess it’s fine.

Chances are right now (midday during a rest day), that blonde gold-eyed young girl is in the middle of her beauty sleep, and that corpse doll should also be on the move, and besides, everybody probably knows it already, so I probably don’t need to be highly discreet about it.

Once I hear what the latest fad among high school girls is, I feel obligated to spread the word. So, what sweets and desserts are in vogue right now?

‘What I say stays in this room – so I’ve got a friend whose younger sister’s in year five; she got kidnapped.’