Monogatari Series - Volume 21 - Chapter 0.30

030

Naoetsu High School, front gates.

Here, where classes were almost over, stood a fourteen-year-old girl all alone — her cap lowered, staring downwards, wearing overalls.

A bum bag on her hip.

A pair of climbing shoes, ones suited for a hike.

The girl seemed to be anticipating someone; glancing inside one moment, glancing at the giant clock on the campus wall the next, shifting impatiently. Whilst impatient, she seemed happy being like that — the wait, the thought of meeting that someone here, seems to make her happy.

…What a fool.

No need for Ougi-san to say it; what a fool.

I approached her.

‘It’s no use, Gentle Nadeko.’

Said I.

She seemed dazed, dreamy; unaware of my presence until I spoke to her; she — Gentle Nadeko responded with a high-pitched gasp.

She turned over, panicked.

‘Aa, aah, aaah —’

Unable to hide her pounding heart.

Even without looking, I knew; behind her long fringes, her eyes were unsteady — I really cannot imagine her as the malevolent Sengoku Nadeko, the one who took the three Sengoku Nadekos, no, four Sengoku Nadekos, including me, for a ride.

Although it did not seem like it, the fact that she was here, doing this, was proof of my sudden hypothesis.

Whilst also proving how foolish Gentle Nadeko was — how foolish I was.

But I genuinely could have arrived here earlier — I could have found her earlier. When Bloomer Nadeko and Speedo Nadeko appeared, or when thinking about that time I sped away from Hanekawa-san, I must have been able to notice.

Because I remember tightly hugging those exact clothes, waiting in this exact spot — for Sengoku Nadeko, this was one unmissable Sehenswürdigkeit.

‘It’s no use.’

I repeated.

‘That person’s no longer here.’

I told her.

Cornered her.

‘……?’

Gentle Nadeko tilted her head, signalling incomprehension.

No, not incomprehension, but an unwillingness to comprehend.

Fawning Nadeko knew she was one year up, but Gentle Nadeko was still living in last June.

Growth, change, improvement, she rejected them all.

Refused to act on her own.

Refused to start, refused to end.

Refused to move, refused to push.

Only waited. That was the only thing she did.

Even so, I still pleaded with her — I should not be the one doing it, but I was the only one who can do it.

‘Nobody can stay in year two forever; nobody can stay fourteen forever — there’s no use waiting here. You shouldn’t be doing this.’

Shouldn’t be doing this.

I once did something I shouldn’t.

Even with my words, I had no idea how much of it went in her mind; Gentle Nadeko gave zero reaction.

Maybe she was treating it as a ‘bad encounter’, focusing on me through her fringes, subconsciously shutting me off — she could do that.

This was what this girl, Sengoku Nadeko was like.

A useless only daughter — a useless girl.

‘You really, really shouldn’t do this. You can wait for as long as you like, but nobody’ll be happy in the end. You can think for as much as you like, but everybody’ll end up harmed. That’s still the best case. It wouldn’t be strange at all if things got messier. So please, you cannot stay here — I cannot stay here. You knew this from the beginning, didn’t you? Because I know full well.’

‘…Sorry.’

Out of nowhere, Gentle Nadeko gave an apology.

‘It’s Nadeko’s fault. Sorry.’

‘……’

Did she think I was scolding her?

No, that wasn’t it.

Her apology served to end the conversation.

To make it her own fault, to make herself the victim, to end such troubles; that was it — how frustrating.

To make herself unblemished, unharmed, oblivious —

How many things had she ignored? — lectures, help, advice, all in one ear and out the other; that was how far she had gone.

Therefore — I should be the one apologising.

Distanced like this.

It would have been effortless to clip her with that blank sketchbook page, without a single word — since Gentle Nadeko was waiting for somebody, the ‘deflective barrier born from fear of human contact’ cannot be used, and with me being able to become a perpetrator any time I want, there was no point in her ‘being the victim out of self-consciousness’.

Defeating her would be easy.

But I cannot do it. I am not doing it.

I will not perpetrate, nor will I guard.

I know she was resisting me, I understand she was ignoring me, but I remained patient, I remained steadfast, I continued to face Gentle Nadeko.

‘Hey, listen to me. Nobody can stay in the same place their whole life. Not a year two middle schooler, not a year three high schooler, not deities, nor vampires. If they did that, nobody would exist. You can wait forever, and Prince Charming still wouldn’t welcome you; that glass slipper wouldn’t turn up; even if you pretend to sleep, nobody’d kiss you awake. So please, stop waiting like this everywhere, and come back with everybody — everybody’s waiting for you.’

Fawning Nadeko, Anti-Nadeko, Divine Nadeko.

All waiting for you to take your steps.

‘…So —’

Gentle Nadeko still gave no response; but she started trembling, and whispered a question.

Obviously, I could not see it with her fringes.

But she was sobbing; I knew it from her voice.

Perhaps afraid of me — perhaps afraid of the future.

She teared up as her emotions dictated.

Without any intention of hiding it.

‘So, there’s, no love after all?’

She tearfully inquired.

Such a simplistic question caught me aback.

‘There was already love. There was already joy in waiting. There was already happiness in thinking. There wasn’t anything more that was wished for. But, is that love over? Have those thoughts gone? Had enough? Forgotten? No longer important? No longer there? Is the future this dull? Is this the kind of adult Nadeko will become?’

‘……’

I could say that she is juvenile, that the only thing she fell in love with was being in love. I could lecture her, that she only worships people around her because of her timidity and inexperience. I could illustrate that this was no different from her saying she will marry her father when she grew up, that reunions are not fated, that this was normal when they live next to each other.

If it was Tsukihi-chan, that was what she would have done.

That was what she said to me.

I could fib and say that love is not everything, that she may wish for nothing more, but there was more to life other than romance. I could lie and say that life is not lived for one’s own happiness. I could deceive her and say that something good will happen as long as she lives on.

If it was Kaiki-san, that was what he would have done.

That was what he said to me.

‘…Gentle Nadeko, I —’

However.

I did neither of those things.

Because in the end, those words were not mine to say.

Going back to what I can do, I could be as emotional as Anti-Nadeko, as mystical as Divine Nadeko, as reassuring as Fawning Nadeko.

‘I promise.’

I gave Gentle Nadeko a tight hug.

Face-against-face, closely; I let her tears wet me as I cuddled her.

I could not cry like that today even if I tried; precisely because of that, Gentle Nadeko can act as my changed self. She can cry for me.

Let this be — a heartfelt wish.

‘I promise you that I will fall in love again. I will never stop loving. I will never forget the feeling of happiness I get from waiting, from thinking about them. I will never let your lost love be in vain. I will pursue my dreams, I will not learn, and I will keep falling in love. I will remind myself that I don’t want anything else. The one I love will be kinder, cooler, more talented, more humorous, more generous, more prone to love, and not a lolicon. I will never shirk from hard work or escape from crowds; I will become the person you want me to be, I will never disappoint you. So please, don’t wait here anymore — come with me, towards the future.’

Because I will stand by you for eternity.

Your hardships, your suffering, your adorable tales of lost love, I will immortalise them in a manga.

I will turn you into a heart-throbbing tale.

After finishing that sentence, just as Sodachi-onee-chan did in the park, I softly pat Gentle Nadeko’s head — only until then did I realise, compared to last year, I had grown taller.

Sengoku Nadeko, fifteen years of age.

Developing, growing, wandering.

Immature, always the nearly man.

Whilst far from being a full-grown adult, this was a day I felt a little like an elder sister.