Monogatari Series - Volume 21 - Chapter 0.13

013

Her name was Oikura Sodachi.

Sodachi-onee-chan.

She had a ‘Wow!’ kind of feeling to her.

But I have heard of the stories.

I forgot from whom, though it was probably Tsukihi-chan, but the legend goes that having left town around last October (when I was getting to know Kuchinawa-san), Sodachi-onee-chan made her triumphant return on April — the university she is in is also somewhere around here.

Maybe I would not have as a hikikomori, but now that I was outside, chances are I was bound to meet her at some point — but of all times, why now?

To meet Sodachi-onee-chan right as I was searching for my shikigami is some coincidence.

Totally unimaginable.

If I had to say it,

‘It’d be better if Sengoku-chan went this way to find Gentle Nadeko. I’m sure it’s better. I dunno, it’s just a feeling, an intuition. Ha-ha, maybe you’ll have a fateful encounter!’

In a manner seen in a magazine’s horoscope pages, Ougi-san pushed me mysteriously in the direction of this park — I cannot believe I ended up here having a chat with Sodachi-onee-chan.

The last time I talked to Sodachi-onee-chan must have been over ten years ago — let’s see, I think it was in primary year two; I was about seven then, so it was about eight years ago?

Whilst I was bothering the Araragi household to play with my primary school classmate, Tsukihi-chan (I called her ‘Rara-chan’ then), Sodachi-onee-chan was the one who lodged in her house.

I say lodge, in reality, I think it was taking refuge.

I was small back then; not until recently did these complex and harrowing circumstances came to light… and when I think about it in detail, Sodachi-onee-chan was constantly holding her knees, huddling away in a corner of the house, never making a sound; I have never really had a chat with her.

I might have never even introduced myself to her — it was only until last year when I learnt of Oikura Sodachi’s full name. For her to take the initiative and speak to me was a shock.

Ordinarily, a house guest, a playmate, a younger one at that, would not be something one remembered — yes, that should be the norm.

Even if one did remember, it would be unusual to purposefully make a move and talk to such a child from just a distant glance — unless they last saw that child wandering around half-naked in gym shorts.

‘What happened? To endure such cruel, relentless bullying, Nadeko-chan, you have to tell me everything, okay? I know adults who can be entrusted with matters such as these, need me introduce them to you?’

I felt sincerely cared for.

From that Sodachi-onee-chan.

Sodachi-onee-chan was also no longer the corner-sulking, knee-hugging, ‘I wish death upon all of you — preferably before my own’ glaring Sodachi-onee-chan of old.

Or even a different person from last year’s Sodachi-onee-chan.

Sometime around last October, Sodachi-onee-chan kicked up quite a storm in Naoetsu High School, which I got wind of, but compared to that episode, her compassion right now was something unimaginable. 

As I remained dazed, Sodachi-onee-chan let me off the bicycle, held my arm, and took me towards the bench, as she spoke to me gravely.

Nmm…

I’ve just remembered that Sodachi spent a very long time refusing to go to school during her time at Naoetsu High — her time absent actually outnumbered her time present. To see me in a sweatshirt and sandals frolicking about probably made her sympathetic.

If that was her reaction of me in a sweatshirt, imagine her witnessing me wearing nothing but gym shorts — the ‘adults she trusts’ were probably government staff, from when she transferred away from this town.

‘S-Sodachi-onee-chan, I should be the one asking, what are you doing…’

I might be in a bind no matter how you look at it, and I was of course overjoyed and grateful to receive such compassion, but there was no way to start explaining my situation.

No words I could say.

Because unlike Ougi-san, the nephew of specialist Oshino Meme-san, Sodachi-onee-chan knows nothing about oddities — when she sheltered under the roof of the Araragi house, that legendary vampire was a long time away from visiting this town.

Sodachi-onee-chan is someone who has nothing to do with oddities.

‘Ah, s-sorry, I called you Sodachi-onee-chan, like I used to…’

This wouldn’t do, I was faking that intimacy.

It would be fine to think it, to reminisce about it in my head, but it would not be fine to speak it.

Calling someone else with such a close title as ‘onii-chan’ or ‘onee-chan’ is more a characteristic of Gentle Nadeko.

I could not afford to overlap with my shikigami’s personality.

‘That’s okay, I’m fine with that. That aside… what’s with those odd clothes of yours?’

Odd clothes?

She probably meant the gym shorts.

Should I tell her about that protected historic relic from Kanbaru-san… well, if the gym shorts were the reason why I could get close to her, then I do not know where to begin crying with joy.

‘Ahh, me? I always feel like I couldn’t fit in in uni, so I’m reading on my own. Leave of absence, as it’s known.’

It seemed she can say no to classes in university too.

Always feel like she couldn’t fit in… for that vague a reason?

I know I should not say this, as the one being cared for, but shouldn’t Sodachi-onee-chan take care of herself too?

‘I think it was around year one of high school, when I started stopping by this park often — it’s close to Senjougahara-san’s place… ah, Nadeko-chan probably doesn’t know who that is.’

I do.

We almost fought to the death.

That was when I was Divine Nadeko — allow me to rephrase that; the one who could pose a challenge to a deified Sengoku Nadeko with mere flesh and bone, that’s who Senjougahara Hitagi-san was.

She lives nearby?

If that was the case, I cannot help but feel nervous.

Ah, no, that person now lives in the Tamikura Apartments — whilst I do not know where that is, I knew that name from our previous conflict.

Did Sodachi just say year one of high school?

Then Senjougahara-san probably moved out some time after that — I say that, she is still probably living somewhere in this town; if this search for these scattered Sengoku Nadekos continued, I might encounter her sooner or later.

I could imagine that worst-case scenario of Senjougahara-san seeing Bloomer Nadeko.

I’m not having that. Never.

Thus, to avoid that scenario, I must find a way to deal with the shikigami problem as soon as possible…

However, getting away from Sodachi-onee-chan’s compassion was not going to be easy. Even without that, I too was finding it difficult to simply leave this bench I was sitting on.

The reason I say that was because Sodachi-onee-chan directly witnessed Gentle Nadeko — all the information I had right now about that freakish perverted exhibitionist was from Kanbaru-san, but if all goes well, I could extract more information directement.

The whereabouts of half-naked me in gym shorts (speaking of, if Bloomer Nadeko was wearing gym shorts, has she got shoes on too? If she was running around dressed like that but with normal shoes on, then that perv scale can only go up), her current appearance, if I could get these hints from Sodachi-onee-chan, then I should be able to narrow down my search.

But I cannot say anything about oddities towards Sodachi-onee-chan — even if it was limited to conjuring shikigami.

One reason being she would not believe a word, and another reason being from Oshino Meme-san: ‘encountering oddities pulls one towards oddities’.

Put simply, the moment one hears of aberrational tales, the moment one is infiltrated by such aberrations (thinking back, that ‘curse’ that plagued Public Middle School #701 probably worked the same way), so if my lips were loose, I could get Sodachi-onee-chan, an unknowing, innocent bystander with no relation towards oddities, involved.

Even from what little I know, Sodachi-onee-chan has lived through wave after wave of indescribable suffering. Considering her rollercoaster of a life, for her to enrol in university (even though she is skipping classes now) is a miracle of itself.

It is a miracle I do not want to ruin.

I cannot ruin this by divulging, from a certain perspective, my own laughable private matters.

I say private matters, it was nonetheless an emergency for me.

I cannot just leave Sodachi-onee-chan with an abrupt farewell.

Fawning Nadeko, who values human relationships, might give up by now (and chat about some flowery drivel; I guarantee it!), but I am Present Nadeko, and I am self-serving!

In other words, my task was to extract information about Gentle Nadeko with the premise that I completely keep secret my own troubles — quite the impossibly difficult quest.

As much as I genuinely do not wish for my close childhood acquaintance to mistake me for a middle school girl prone to exhibitionist debauchery, I must remain patient.

I had also thought of bluffing her with a twin sister, but this probably would not work with someone I spent my childhood with.

Right, but how should I approach this… this was, after all, a reunion eight years in the making, and practically the first time we could have a proper chat — unlike Ougi-san, this was a true ‘first meeting’.

It is not difficult to imagine one or two mistakes leading to an embarrassing silence.

All it takes is an order to go to work, and my communication skills go haywire; this was a difficult situation to be in. Ideally, Sodachi-onee-chan would volunteer that information about Gentle Nadeko, but there is only so much one can wish for.

If I put that question poorly, and Sodachi-onee-chan gets suspicious, I do not believe that I could hide the truth from her. Being bad at communication automatically means being bad at hiding secrets.

…Though thinking about it this much was also pointless.

With a brain like mine, I’d be better off praying it would go well — it’s all right, if I fail, Ononoki-chan or Ougi-san would help me fill the gaps.

But Ononoki-chan aside, Ougi-san’s whereabouts is making me very uncomfortable…

‘U-uh… Sodachi-onee-cha—… no, Oikura-san…’

‘I told you, I’m fine with you calling me like you used to. Even I wouldn’t want you to call me Euler. I miss this… I’m glad that you remembered me.’

? — She just told me something I did not know (Euler, erm… he’s some famous mathematician, right?).

But the words ‘I’m glad that you remembered me’ don’t seem to be patronising words for a slightly nutty childhood playmate, but from deep within Sodachi-onee-chan’s heart.

I’m glad that you remembered me.

It’d be painful if I were forgotten.

Something completely ordinary, yet still shocking.

Did Sodachi-onee-chan think that too?

…Anybody who knows what happened last year would describe Sodachi-onee-chan as an ultra-thin, fragile sheet of glass. A panel that shattered with a touch, though when it shatters, it does not end well for the hand doing the shattering either.

But to me, from this conversation, Sodachi-onee-chan seemed someone strong and resilient.

Perhaps not resilient?

Like the frame of a bicycle that twists and deforms for shock absorption — otherwise, to live as she is now would be something beyond what oddities can do.

An act of self-harm for the sake of self-protection.

An impression that does not waver even with this coincidental face-to-face encounter — no, based on that, Sodachi-onee-chan is fairer and kinder than the rumours had suggested.

Could it be that Bloomer Nadeko could soften the hardest of hearts? After all, even Ougi-san was put off.

As I thought about it, it was a kindness that scared me a little, but I will call her ‘Sodachi-onee-chan’ for now.

‘Y-you’ve cut your hair, Sodachi-onee-chan.’

Using hairstyles as a conversation starter; go me. The last time I met Sodachi-onee-chan was when she was in primary school, so it’s only obvious she has changed her hairstyle since then.

With that question, however, I had dug my own grave.

‘Mm. Well, I cut it when I entered university. A change of image and all that — it didn’t work though.’

She spoke of her failure without a hitch;

‘Anyways, speaking of hairstyles, I should be asking you, Nadeko-chan. It’s good that you’ve found some clothes to wear, but I’ve only just noticed, what’s that with your head?’

Sodachi-onee-chan said as she leant in.

Oh right.

I could not see it myself, so I often forget about it, but Present Nadeko’s hairstyle is a very short one I cannot see (another reason I cut it short was because it was getting in the way of me drawing, so it is normal for me not to see it) — conversely, Gentle Nadeko was the one who would get called Lady Forelocks.

The shock of seeing Bloomer Nadeko, and the comfort of seeing her with clothes not long after. Such a difference made Sodachi-onee-chan ignore that, which means to her, I not only found clothes to wear, but cut my hair all of a sudden.

‘It’s like it got chewed off… you really have to speak out. I can tell you from experience that staying silent does absolutely nothing.’

Chewed off.

I cut it myself, so it’s no wonder it’s trimmed unevenly.

‘I-it’s okay. I am not being bullied.’

‘Really? I guess you like running around like that then?’

‘Y-yes, I like doing it.’

My talking served only to worsen the misconception.

‘I see… so that’s a hobby… hmmm… well, everybody has their thing, I guess.’

My thing has gotten me into big trouble.

Talk about boasting one’s faults — although it probably wasn’t boasting, but flashing. {M}

I have sacrificed this much just to avoid mentioning oddities to Sodachi-onee-chan; with that, I do not feel so guilty about me lying anymore.

Or maybe I was still enamoured with the idea of ‘giving it one’s all’? A sacrifice on this scale finally warranting me to forgive myself —

‘Nadeko-chan, I feel like you’re somehow different.’

‘Different’?

Not ‘difficult’? {N}

‘No, I mean I don’t want to talk about my primary school days either, but I remember you being more… y’know, that.’

She minced her words. Out of kindness.

But I can hear what she is trying to say.

Loud and clear.

‘Well, I don’t know what happened in between, but I guess showing yourself to the world counts as some kind of growth?’

When she said ‘showing myself’, was she talking about the fringes? Or the gym shorts? Or something else? I could not tell.

If she was talking about what happened in between, well, let’s just say I became a god.

Where on earth is Divine Nadeko…

‘I didn’t manage to grow up like that — I couldn’t shed my image. I’ve entered uni, cut my hair, and began living on my own, but in the end, I’m still me. Still endlessly nostalgic, still reading books in this park. Going places just to come back where I started; that’s pretty much the same as doing nothing.’

She said with a pretend air of self-deprecation, but I think she was trying to console me as well — perhaps Sodachi-onee-chan still believes I was bullied.

But I guess this is what life does to people; being a university student four years my senior, her words carry a certain refined weight. She may say she’s ‘still her’, but for a middle schooler, a university student’s words ring truer than most.

No, don’t I know this?

But now was not the time to ask Sodachi-onee-chan about what life has in store — these were urgent times.

However, as a truant child now, facing Sodachi-onee-chan who led a hikikomori life for two whole years, who then managed to return to normal society, I cannot resist asking her for some advice.

Even though the thing I should be asking is the whereabouts of Gentle Nadeko — though I could not see how I could turn this conversation around yet, this does not seem a bad place to land on now.

It was just a bit too heavy a subject for an opening talk.

‘U-uh… Sodachi-onee-chan. I’m, not, going to school at all, these days.’

‘Mm’

Sodachi-onee-chan raised her eyebrows.

That look on her face, that look on her face.

Her eyes spoke pure malice.

If this was what she looks like when she was genuinely worried, then it is no surprise she gets mistaken all the time.

‘It’s not because of bullying, erm, my class went through some disastrous trouble… I did something really bad, so I don’t want to go back.’

I will skip over the details. They have to do with oddities after all.

Technically, I did visit school just now, and did something really bad once again, but I will leave that out too — I do not want her to see me as a delinquent, just as I do not want her to see me as a pervert.

‘Oh. So you’ve heard as well? That’s why you’re bringing this up with me? Well, you’re not wrong at all. I felt the same then.’

She somehow seemed to have figured out, without going too deep, as Sodachi-onee-chan showed her sensitive side and agreed.

This was me getting close all of a sudden, I thought it would be something she hated… but Sodachi-onee-chan might be someone who treats her juniors well in the first place.

‘So it’s all right, Nadeko-chan. It’s kinda fate that we met here, so I guarantee you. Just ’cos you can’t go to school doesn’t mean your life is over.’

She said decidedly.

Oh boy, it felt really cool.

Was what I thought; then,

‘Yes… it’s really not over… it’s far from over, this life… just how long does this have to go on…’

She murmured.

I heard that.

Instead of saying she treats her juniors well, it might be more apt to say Sodachi-onee-chan likes looking cool in front of her juniors — then, I will pretend I did not notice that at all.

This is from Fawning Nadeko, so I had better learn.

‘Was it your parents, Nadeko-chan? But I remember them treating you so well…’

She even remembers the details clear as day.

Even if she remembers, I could not be happy about it.

That is, to have left such an impression speaks to how terrible my parents are… which reminds me, this was something Kaiki-san said too.

Quite the indictment if it came from a swindler.

‘Mm… I couldn’t go to high school, so they told me to start making a living… go get a job, something of the sort. But I can’t do that. I think they’re just putting me on the spot with something so impossible… I don’t know what I should do…’

So I made four shikigami.

I did not say that out loud, of course.

I will also keep my wish of becoming a manga artist to myself here — it might not be something worth hiding, but it was not something I was eager to declare either.

Besides, from the mood, Sodachi-onee-chan does not seem the type who reads manga.

To announce the dreams one is pursuing is to leave out all other paths, to back oneself into a corner; being content with that declaration alone poses a kind of horror.

This horror has some similarities with the horror that stems from being content with mere effort.

But all that resulted from me being silent with the details was —

‘I see. Not knowing what to do results in you streaking around and yanking off all your long hair…’

— Sodachi-onee-chan’s acceptance.

Ouch.

I did not yank them off though.

I used scissors, but not the shears used by hairdressers.

‘I say this with a dose of self-criticism; Nadeko-chan, you should think more seriously about how you take such stern words. Back when I’m in middle school, I tended to take every advice I got seriously… couldn’t really take teases or plain banter as they were… honestly, that still hasn’t changed much these days, but I don’t think this is right.’

‘…Do you mean my parents weren’t serious about having me get a job?’

‘Not necessarily. But I don’t think they’re being tough on you just for the sake of it — for someone they’ve treated, and continue to treat so well, these harsh words could be more directed towards themselves.’

What a fresh way of looking at things.

Were these sudden harsh words the result of ‘raising a useless daughter’, an act of self-flagellation, of self-punishment? — I never thought of it that way, but upon hearing that, I think there was at least a possibility that is true.

It was definitely not lashing out, though.

‘If they treat their daughter as part of themselves, then this doesn’t really set a good example… aah, sorry. You don’t want to hear someone bad-mouthing your parents, do you?’

‘Ah, um —’

I did not have anything to say.

Frankly, someone bad-mouthing my parents was, if anything, quite cathartic — upon hearing what Sodachi-onee-chan had to say, I had a better idea of what my parents were feeling.

To care for me to this extent, this person really is a pro in human relationships; completely not like a former hikikomori.

Fawning Nadeko’s hollow reaction is making me ashamed now.

I wonder if she is reading Psychology in university.

‘Nope, Mathematics~’

I had no idea that department even existed.

The world is full of things I do not know.

Even if I did, to miscalculate ten thousand hours probably means this is the closest I will get to that department.

‘Putting self-criticism aside, allow me to offer some advice not based on my past; don’t treat these harsh words as all your parents really are. They could be having a bad day before they said those words, and even if they meant it, they could change their minds the next day — perhaps they’re already regretting it. They might be asking you to start making ends meet, but perhaps what they really wanted to say, but couldn’t, is for you to go to high school. Maybe it’s because they couldn’t say it that they’ve compensated with heavy-handedness, hoping that could convince you. Never take anything at face value; look clearly at who’s doing the talking — otherwise, even if you followed their words with complete servility, you could still end up upsetting them. To upset them whilst thinking you’re right… that’d be a tragic relationship.’

I am glad I got such advice, but what makes me gladder is seeing Sodachi-onee-chan not laugh off such trifling matters so common amongst children; she may say she was not taking it personally, but still she thinks through my problems as her own.

It was advice I did not take at the moment, but to treat me like this shows that Sodachi-onee-chan really cares for her juniors. Maybe it is because she could not be kind to herself, that she places this kindness on me, someone who reminds her of her past.

Then I must take this kindness to heart — it is for Sodachi-onee-chan too.

‘It’s alright, Nadeko-chan. You can fret about your future all you want, but as long as you keep on living, you’ll grow into adulthood,

‘So don’t you worry.’

As Sodachi-onee-chan finished her sentence, she put out her hand as if by second nature, and softly pat my head — it’s the first time this has ever felt that comfortable to me.