Chapter Five- Mayoi Hell
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I wouldn’t mind dying if it meant seeing Mayoi Hachikuji again. Is that dire sentiment unexpected? Actually, I’m not exaggerating. I really was prepared, at one point, to surrender my life and immortality just to see that cheerful girl again─so why didn’t I? I guess as much as or even more than I didn’t mind dying, I wanted to live, and thought I had something I needed to accomplish. My family and girlfriend, saviors and buddies are the premise of that feeling, so if you told me it’s terribly improper and imprudent to subject feelings to addition, subtraction, or proportions, you’d be quite right, I’d be left with no room for argument, but you see, people─or at least I─don’t have the kind of self-control to become a martyr to a single emotion. Despite my tunnel vision and brooding, I’m easily distracted. Quick to go back on my words and bend my convictions─trying to gain the whole world and losing everything, that’s me, Koyomi Araragi.
Not making friends.
Because it’d lower my intensity as a human.
It’s with nostalgia that I look back on that line of mine, so weak I’ve become as a human. So damn feeble─weakest of all, I don’t hate how feeble I am, and even find it charming.
How soft, and weak.
Annoying, yes.
But that’s me, I can proclaim.
That’s Koyomi Araragi, I do declare.
Not without─shame.
But I can insist on it─embarrassing to say.
Perhaps you find my weakness unforgivable─not dying, and feebly living on, makes me an inexcusable sinner.
Despite the hell of spring break.
I’m still alive, and it’s not as if I don’t notice the murderous stares─a certain transfer student, for instance, who stares at me with jet-black eyes, might say…
“You really are a fool.”
Yeah, really.
Only death can cure stupidity.
At the same time, maybe it isn’t so grave an illness if all it takes is dying.
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