Monogatari Series - Volume 16 - Chapter 9.03

003

I should note at this point that my sweetheart Hitagi Senjogahara is anything but a good cook─or more accurately, she has somehow managed to live thus far without utilizing kitchens for the most part.

Her sickly elementary school years, her middle school years of relentless study, and her high school years spent in the clutches of an aberration─make no mistake, she was a model student throughout all of it, but she never seems to have gotten around to working on her cooking─though that said, or maybe nevertheless, now that her aberration problem has been dealt with for the moment, she seems to have carved out the space to pursue “everything else”─those fields that she had seen as extraneous; so while her progress may be baby steps, her skill in that regard does seem to be on an upward trajectory.

To be honest, the five donuts lined up on the plate were of wildly varying size and shape, diverse you might say, or uneven, or mismatched, a real motley crew. From their outward appearance it wasn’t surprising that Shinobu might be wary of them, but when it came to their flavor, they apparently received a passing grade from the famous donut critic Shinobu Oshino.

After all, she did cry out for reals?!

Cutting off her discourse.

If Mister Donut’s “Pon de Ring Rare Choco Golden” (whose nature remains unfathomable to me, never having seen one) gets three Michelin stars, maybe this garnered at least one?

“The lass hath done it! I had ever thought that one day she might do something, but to think that today is that day!”

“I’m pretty sure that day was the second of last month, when she saved both our lives…”

“Hmm! I have yet to truly sink my teeth into the study of the donut, yet I know enough to hail this as a great achievement!”

“Seems like sinking your teeth into it would be the only way to go about it…”

Then again, she had sunk her teeth into no small number of donuts.

So it really had to be something special.

“’Tis well done! Summon Miss Tsundere! I would praise her in person!”

“Come on…‘my compliments to the chef’?”

Since we were talking about donuts, strictly speaking maybe it was her compliments to the pastry chef.

Hmmm.

Well, naturally they weren’t poisoned, but I’d accepted them to savor the sentiment more than the flavor, so I was genuinely pleased to see Shinobu, cream smeared all around her mouth, praising them to the skies like that.

Not that I’d done anything myself, of course.

“But, after having basically avoided contact with Senjogahara this whole time, you can’t possibly feel compelled to face her because of some donuts.”

“I wish to apologize to her for having called her Miss Tsundere heretofore. Even if I cannot yet call her Mister Donut, I think it meet to dub her Master Donut.”

“That’s a hell of a thing to dub someone…”

Isn’t that a little over the top?

That’s not just high praise, it feels like it’s shading into sarcasm─given that Senjogahara was still at the “The adventure begins!” stage with cooking in general, it seemed frankly dubious for this deep-fried pastry alone to receive such a high evaluation.

People say that pastries are harder to make than anything on the menu of our so-called three square meals… You can’t wing it with pastries, where the measurements and timing demand a level of precision far surpassing other kinds of cooking. Oh, hmm, could that be it?

I think I get it.

A convincing theory formed in my mind─knowing Senjogahara, something that demands precision might actually be easier for her. Relying on instructions and instruments instead of her own palate, she would be less likely to make a careless mistake. Maybe that was the logic here.

And with fried pastries you can’t even taste them until they’re basically done… Only the shape rested on the sensibilities of the chef, which explained the chaos in that department.

“…”

That was just according to logic.

Maybe the truth is that Senjogahara’s distinctive palate and Shinobu’s unique one just happened to line up.

Now I needed to taste my sweetheart’s homemade donuts for myself─I thought, reaching out to take one.

But Shinobu snatched away the donut I had my eye on, along with the whole plate.

“…Hunh? What’re you doing?”

“What art thou doing, my lord? The poison tasting is not yet complete.”

“No, it is. You already went ahead and ate one, and you said it tasted good.”

“’Tis yet too early to say. It could be a slow-acting poison. A slow-acting but mortal poison,” Shinobu warned.

Her mouth was slathered with cream and sugar, but the words emanating from it were vigilant.

I thought about cleaning off those messy lips with a kiss.

Not that I actually did, mind you.

“Though it be safe for the moment, it might prove the type of poison to extend its malign influence to thy descendants, my lord.”

“No, if Senjogahara poisoned me like that, she’d be screwing her own descendants.”

“Pshaw, be not certain that thy house shall flourish with Miss Tsundere.”

“…”

Well.

Given my current situation.

Maybe I ought to stop running away from reality and start considering how to save Senjogahara, even if I can’t save myself.

As for Shinobu, though…it might come down to a double suicide.

“Hence I shall dig in my heels about continuing the poison inspection.”

“Dig in your heels? Should that be head over heels?”

“Nay, leave the matter entirely in my hands! Four more samples for comparative analysis should be enough to yield the answer.”

“Four? Shinobu-tan, from what I can see there are exactly four donuts left in the clip.”

“Is that so? What a coincidence. Just what the doctor ordered.”

“More like made to order. That’s how you came up with that number. Now hand over the plate.”

“Impossible. As thy valet, my lord, ’tis my duty to protect thee from even the most insignificant risk.”

“You can’t play the valet only when it suits you!”

Play the valet.

Hell of a ring to it, especially for something I came up with on the spot.

“Hand over the plate.”

I tried saying it again, but Shinobu was clutching the plate to her and showed no signs of letting it go. Well, strictly speaking she wasn’t clutching it to her─she was holding it loosely in one hand.

As a ruse, naturally.

One false move on my part could overturn the entire plate; she’d brought us to an obvious stalemate.

If I tried to take it by force, all four donuts would end up on the floor, and we’d be left with nothing─having lost her power as a vampire, all she could rely on was her wiles. Tough luck for me.

“This is my final warning. Shinobu. Hand over that plate right now.”

“Kakak. Thou art a poor negotiator,” she scoffed, her grip on the donuts precarious at best, “with thine uncompromising attitude, thy single-minded insistence: give it to me, hand it over. Is that not the very reason that the talisman entrusted to thee by the ringleader of those experts was stolen?”

“Urk.”

I mean.

Absolutely.

But was that really something to be talking about in the same breath as this tug-of-war over some donuts? Consider the dire situation that I am in, that you are in─not to mention others around us who’ve gotten roped in thanks to the theft.

“If thou hadst acquitted thyself more admirably in that parley, we would not be in such grave circumstance. Thy level of introspection leaves much to be desired.”

“…”

I feel like there’s no arguing with anything anyone has to say to me about that case, but at the same time, you’re the last person in the world I want to hear it from.

Sure, I was careless, but you were pretty goddamn careless yourself.

“Nay, I speak to thee in all earnestness.” The little blond girl with a plate of donuts in one hand, who was apparently speaking to me in all earnestness, puffed out her chest and continued in a haughty tone. “In order that such a tragedy not befall thee a second time, my lord, I prithee take heed of the lessons learned from the accumulated days of thy life. Dost truly think that if thou canst not win me over here, ’tis still possible that ye might win over the snake god?”

“Nnnn…”

Well.

What can I say to that?

Obviously I’m going to try and avoid this tragedy─but if that’s so obvious, then she’s right, I’d better start thinking about what comes after.

Because if my subpar diplomacy really was to blame for the mess, that’s a flaw I need to overcome. I’m not going to acquire Oshino’s eloquence and skill at bridge-building negotiation overnight, of course─but if I can’t do it overnight, all the more reason to work at it every day, like now…

“Nay, thy logic is skewed.”

“Feh. You noticed?”

“Didst imagine I wouldn’t?”

“Why should I need to be some master negotiator just to keep you from eating my donuts? Just give them to me. Give them back. If I insist on it, just hand them over. This is a purely private affair, it doesn’t involve anyone but us.”

“The matter of the snake god is also a private affair, though, is it not?”

“Last time I warned you, I told you that was it, but I’ll say it just one more time out of the goodness of my heart. Out of single-minded insistence. Shinobu, hand over that plate.”

“If ’tis naught but the plate thou desirest, then I have no objection.”

“Naught but, my ass.”

“Once poison hast ate, finish the plate, as they say. I shall eat the donuts, and my lord shall eat the plate. It seems a fair apportioning to me.”

“Not only is it as unfair as it could get, you’re still presuming that Senjogahara’s donuts are poisoned. Cut the shit already.”

We hadn’t been on the same page for a while now. I figured our relationship would be a long one, but some intertribal barriers were proving more difficult to overcome than I’d expected.

Shinobu apparently felt the same way, because she made no attempt to hide a drawn-out sigh of discouragement.

She might as well have held up a sign that said, I’m disappointed in you.

Well, we were on the same page about that, at least, but most of the time it felt like we weren’t even reading the same book.

“In my estimation, thou hadst already failed the moment didst reveal these donuts to me. Thou wouldst have done better to eat such as these before I could discover them. To eat them in secret without waking me. If hadst done so, this pointless trouble would have been avoided.”

“You’re the one causing this pointless trouble… Talk about a problem neighbor.”

There was absolutely no way I was going to be eating these without being noticed by my neighbor, that is, by you down there in my shadow─what could I do, if the smell alone was enough to wake you up.

“Mm, in that case…before we work on thy negotiation skills, my lord, perhaps ’twould be best to polish thy flair for secrecy.”

“Secrecy?”

“Aye, if hadst been more adept in secreting that talisman, ’twould never have reached the stage of negotiation, and we would not now be brought to such dire straits. ’Twas the fact that thou didst secrete the talisman in such an easily found place which gave rise to this tragedy.”

“Uh…well, it’s not like I can’t see where you’re coming from.”

Maybe the whole problem is that I engage in this kind of discussion in the first place. Could my lack of skill at negotiation stem from the fact that I actually listen to what other people have to say?

“But you agree that finding a place to hide it was a problem, right? I mean, being handed that kind of, well, weapon…”

Handed.

Or more like backhanded.

“Letting it out of my sight was risky, but carrying it around with me was even riskier… Ultimately, I don’t see what else I could’ve done but hide it in a place like that.”

“Yet is that not why ’twas found so easily, o he who if he were a tarot card would be the Fool?”

“Why go to all the trouble of bringing the tarot card part into it? Calling me a plain old fool would be just as good.”

Though it wouldn’t be good.

You think a college hopeful is going to take that lying down?

“Were I a tarot card, wouldst be the Moon.”

“No, I’m pretty sure the tarot deck already has the Devil or Death or something. Wouldn’t that be more like a vampire?”

“I am the Moon. The proof lies in the fact that, had it been me, the talisman would have found a fitting hiding place. As would these donuts. Know thou, my lord, that thy present circumstance is entirely of thine own foolish making!”

“…”

Man, she pisses me off.

At the same time, if you can’t turn a blind eye to your own shortcomings, maybe you don’t survive as long as she has.

Last time she couldn’t do it, she tried to kill herself, after all.

As for my present circumstances, even if we had to wait and see if our measures against the snake god would pay off─if I didn’t resolve the donut issue soon, I was never going to get my exam prep back on track.

This was something of a critical moment.

“Go ahead and tell me then, Shinobu. Forget about the talisman for a sec─if it were you, how would you have kept the donuts secret?”

“’Tis difficult to put into words. Hm, easier said than done, they say, but aye, perhaps ’twould instead be easier in this instance to show thee than to tell thee of it. Avail me of but five minutes, and I shall make these donuts disappear from before thine eyes like magic. Thou shalt never find them.”

“Five minutes… No, hang on, five minutes is plenty of time for you to eat four donuts. It’s absolutely against the rules to eat them then say, ‘Look, they’re gone.’”

And of course it would be against the rules to hide them in my shadow─if I had that kind of method at my disposal, not only would I have been able to hide the talisman, you never would’ve known about these donuts.

“Kakak. Dost truly think I would be so duplicitous?”

“You? Definitely.”

Holding Senjogahara’s donuts hostage was already pretty underhanded.

“Perhaps I cannot keep all four from thee─but one or two, at least, I shall hide such that they never be found. What sayest thou, dost fancy a challenge? Canst find in five minutes that which I take five minutes to hide?”

“…”

“The rule shall be that any donuts thou dost not find, I may consume. Should my lord find all four, it shall be his right to eat all four.”

“Hm…”

I wasn’t wild about the idea of gambling for donuts that were mine to begin with, that is, if she didn’t look like a little girl, I’d have an overwhelming urge to smack her…but in order to get back to my exam prep as soon as possible, I had no choice but to go along with it.

“All right, I’m in. But let me repeat, eating them doesn’t count as hiding them, okay? You can’t hide them in your stomach, okay?”

“Aye, aye, ’tis understood. Nor shall I hide them in my cleavage.”

“You’re a little girl, you don’t have cleavage.”

More likely she’d hide two by stuffing her bra with them─though that would still leave two more.

“If you tried it anyway, there would be the problem of how to recover them… I mean, if you eat them behind my back, it’ll be too late no matter what I say.”

“Thou hast too little faith in me.”

“Right, here’s what we’ll do: I’m adding a rule that if you do something illegal, the punishment will be that I stick my hand down your throat and make you throw up.”

“I shall break no rule, so thou mayest invent whatever punishment pleases thee, my lord, but dost intend to eat any donuts that I might throw up?”

She was acting horrified.

Don’t look at me that way, I’m your partner in crime, we’re in the same boat, our lives are inextricably linked.

“But Shinobu, there’s one other problem. A practical problem, it’s got nothing to do with preventing you from cheating.”

“Namely?”

“You’re bound to my shadow, right? So isn’t it going to be pretty hard for you to hide something so it’s hidden from me?”

Hide something so it’s hidden is a weird phrase, but─when her only territory was my shadow, I didn’t see how she could hide anything from me if I wasn’t asleep. Even if I was asleep. There had been a period when our pairing, or tethering, had been severed, but…

“Well, I guess I can just close my eyes…for five minutes, or until you say you’re ready.”

“Nay, for if thou dost break thy promise and open thine eyes, the game is ruined. Thou wilt surely open them a little. Rejected. Dost the nincompoop think I have so much faith in him?”

“…Seeing as how up in arms you were about me doubting you a minute ago, don’t you think you should take it down a notch?”

“As punishment for such a transgression I shall, let me see, I shall stick my hand into thine eye socket and gouge out thine eye.”

“Take it down a notch!!”

“Well, if that be out of bounds, then there is nothing left but to employ a blindfold,” said Shinobu Oshino, readily taking off her leggings.