Monogatari Series - Volume 16 - Chapter 11.04

004

“And that’s why it’s your turn, Karen!”

“Um…what’s why what’s what?”

I thought I could win her over with enthusiasm, but apparently the magic formula “and that’s why” doesn’t work on Karen─after I got home.

I called her to my room and immediately got right to the heart of the matter. My other little sister Tsukihi was, at present, playing with Ononoki in the next room.

Ononoki was nothing more than a doll as far as Tsukihi was concerned, so the playing “with” takes on something of a different meaning, but either way, considering their relationship and how fate had brought them together, it was a pretty unsettling combination for a playdate.

I could’ve just asked Ononoki herself before bringing the matter to Karen, but it felt kind of against the rules to ask the chattel something that her owner wouldn’t tell me.

This seemed like it might be a good time to apply my principle of not acting on impulse─in other words, questions should be asked of the people you should ask them of.

Though Ononoki (in her present character) was pretty uncooperative in her own way, so I didn’t think she’d tell me even if I asked her…

Plus, someone whose “life began when Big Sis brought me back from the dead” might not even have a handle on the truth.

“It doesn’t matter, Karen. There’s a reason why I can’t tell you the whole story, but there’s this person who’s as strong as a demon, who I’m basically helpless against, and I just want to land a single punch. Isn’t there some good way of doing that?”

“What do you take me for, bro…” Karen looked dubious─and when I say dubious, I mean annoyed. “I’m a martial artist who follows the way of the martial arts. Even if I did know some method for exercising violence, I’d never teach it to a novice like you. Not based on such a half-assed explanation, anyway.”

“Don’t be like that. From now on, I’ll fondle your boobies whenever you want.”

“Yeah? I see. Well, in that case, I’m ready to entertain the not…on your life! I don’t ever want you to fondle my boobies!”

She flew into a rage.

Man is she short-tempered.

As her older brother, it’s very embarrassing.

“No, think about it, Karen. Which would you prefer: having your big brother fondle your boobies whenever you want, or having him fondle them whenever you don’t want?”

“Hm? Oh, definitely when I do want! No contest! You really are smart, big brother!”

“…”

You really are stupid, Karen.

As her older brother, it’s very worrisome.

“It’s settled, then. I have a policy of not taking on disciples, but I’ll make an exception for you, big brother. You can be my brotégé. Wait, did I say that right? Now I’m all confused!”

“It’s protégé, obviously. Though I’m not talking about becoming your disciple… If it were you, what would you do? If you wanted to land a single punch on an opponent who’s clearly stronger than you─what would you do?”

“Can’t be done!” she answered peppily.

Why so peppy.

“No, seriously,” she insisted. “I say this without knowing all the details, but judging from your request, landing even a single punch against that opponent is going to be tough, right? Landing any at all through their guard, let alone a clean hit, right?”

“Uh huh. Like I said, I’m helpless.”

“If there’s such a big gap in ability, you shouldn’t fight. The true martial artist runs away from an opponent like that.”

“…”

Karen’s words were totally reasonable.

And yet, I’ve witnessed her rush in blindly millions of times against opponents she had no hope of beating─and every time, it’s been do-or-die trying to restrain her. I mean that literally, if I didn’t do, someone was going to die.

Do as I say and not as I do, but man, she really was dispensing advice she’d never be able to take herself.

“Then there’s always the question of what’ll happen afterwards, even if you do somehow land a punch. Like, if you land a lucky hit against an opponent whose superiority is clearly clear and they get pissed off, then what? They’ll probably retaliate and beat the shit out of you.”

“Hmm…you’re definitely not wrong.”

Even supposing I managed to land a blow on Ms. Kagenui by some fluke, she’s not the type to clap me on the shoulder and say, “Nicely done!” More likely she’d say, “What the fuck!” and tear my arm off at the shoulder.

I only have the most general sense of Ms. Kagenui as a person…but somehow felt like the risk was too great for the information I was after. Yeah, scheming to try and hit her when she might not even keep her promise…

The wiser course of action might be to forget about going along with Ms. Kagenui’s suggestion, which was only a game to her anyway, and just beg her, groveling and scraping with my hands pressed together, to “forget about all that and tell meee!”…

Hm.

“Karen. What would you do? If there were someone you wanted to hit no matter what.”

“Someone like you, you mean?”

“No, someone bad, like the polar opposite of me. If you were facing someone like that, who you knew you had no hope against, how would you approach it? Does anything strike you?”

“I told you. Nothing strikes me, and nothing’s going to strike them, either. If anything, well, I’d say you should take the long view. Start training, so you can beat them somewhere down the line.”

“Training…”

I was a little short on patience to take the long view…

I didn’t care enough about learning about Ononoki’s past to train to become a fighter─okay, the whole reason I went to see Ms. Kagenui in the first place was that I wanted to learn to fight with my mortal body, so there was a certain overall consistency there, but…

“Once you land a hit the battle’s begun, so you have to go into it intending to win,” Karen said. “A lethal blow would be another story─but if you’re good enough that you can kill someone with one punch, then the fighting part shouldn’t be a problem in the first place.”

“Hmm, when you think about it like that, ultimately the martial arts are a set of skills for becoming stronger than your opponent, a technique for becoming stronger than the strong, rather than a way for the weak to defeat the strong─”

“My sensei always says that as long as you still think of the martial arts as a technique, you’ll never become strong. And, well, that’s the unavoidable reality, because in the end the mindset we seek in martial arts is that with great power comes great responsibility. Which is why I cleave to justice.”

“And when someone shows up who you can’t cleave with that justice?”

“There’s no one who can’t be. My justice is a waterjet cutter!”

“You’re a slippery one, aren’t you…”

I thought you guys were the Fire Sisters.

Though lately my little sisters have been acting independently most of the time.

They’re going to be in high school soon… Terrifying.

Then it struck me. Even if I got Karen to reveal the innermost mysteries of karate to me, there was definitely the danger that when I showcased them for Ms. Kagenui, she’d just beat the living shit out of me instead of telling me about Ononoki. But that assumed the kind of power gap, the kind of disparity that existed between me and Ms. Kagenui.

Did I necessarily have to be the one to hit her, though? No, I could bring in a ringer.

What if I got this waterjet cutter here to stand in for me─I couldn’t let Ms. Kagenui get anywhere near Tsukihi, but she and Karen had somehow passed like ships in the night that one time.

In which case, how about.

“Hey, Karen.”

“What is it, brother.”

“Feel like fighting on my behalf?”

“Nope.”

Didn’t even have to think about it for a second.

“How could I beat an opponent that my big brother couldn’t even touch?”

“…”

Your confidence in your big brother is frighteningly misplaced.

“I mean, from everything you’ve told me, big brother, there’s some person who’s going to answer some question for you if you can hit them, right?”

“Mm-hm, exactly. You’re really on the ball, aren’t you, Karen.”

“Don’t you think this person was just letting you down easy?”

“…”

“Like, you asked an impertinent question, didn’t you? So don’t you think this person was just putting you off without ruffling any feathers? I guess you could call it the ol’ bait-and-switch… All of a sudden you’re entirely focused on hitting your opponent instead of thinking about whether or not your question is going to get answered, right?”

“Damn…”

I was at a loss for words.

Loss in a very visceral sense, like the loss of a relative─it was such a shock that I felt like I might never speak another word for the rest of my life.

A loss so mournful that it seemed like the scene where I got my speech back should be the moving climax of the story─there were two reasons for this shock.

Well, the two reasons were virtually identical, but two big reasons above and beyond the shock of having fallen for that kind of bait-and-switch.

First, there was the embarrassment of having this pointed out to me by my little sister Karen Araragi, who I had heretofore thought was made entirely of muscle, right down to her brain, or even her soul─the shock of shame, in other words. Then there was the shock of having that casual, almost considerate bait-and-switch, almost like a magician’s sleight of hand, pulled on me by none other than Ms. Kagenui.

To think that Yozuru Kagenui, a walking tempest who always tries to solve everything with violence, would do something like that─at some point I had likened Shinobu to a hurricane, but Ms. Kagenui was a calamity with the potential to do even more damage. That’s how dangerous she was, and yet.

“…”

Well.

Maybe it was precisely because she was that kind of person that Karen had been able to see through the stratagem─

“I see…so that’s Ms. Kagenui’s version of acting like an adult…”

Unlike Oshino and Kaiki.

By turning my indiscreet question into a game, she wrapped things up without making them awkward─no.

Maybe my question had been so “intrusive” that instead of leaping straight into solving the situation with violence, she’d had to opt for that kind of street-smart “adult behavior.”

“But if that’s true, what am I supposed to do about it?” I asked Karen.

Thoroughly dispirited by my own rashness, that is, by the fact that I’d once again acted on impulse, I equally thoroughly put myself in Karen’s hands.

At this point I idolized my little sister Karen as my savior.

“How the hell should I know? Figure it out for yourself.”

“…”

My savior was cold.

“But yeah, if someone showed me that kind of consideration, forced that kind of consideration on me, I’d do my best not to embarrass her. At the very least, I’d try not to let it come out that I’d consulted my exemplary little sister about it and figured out that the whole challenge idea was just a pretext.”

“Not sure who this exemplary sister you’re talking about is, but well, yeah. It’d be pretty uncouth to point that out.”

Pretending not to consider someone’s casual consideration. Sounds like something Kanbaru would do.

Maybe that was what I needed to do at this point─but then, could I?

“If I pretend not to have considered it, I’m still headed for a showdown… In other words, I’m challenging her to a pointless fight I know I have no hope of winning, and I’m gonna get the shit beaten out of me…”

“Too bad. Go get the shit beaten out of you.”

“You don’t have any interest in keeping your big brother safe?”

“The only thing I’m interested in is keeping my big brother honest.”

“What if he honestly doesn’t want to get the shit beaten out of him?”

And my honesty aside, if I tried to hide my intention to return the favor─by which I mean Ms. Kagenui’s casual consideration, I really was going to need some kind of pretext when I faced her.

I couldn’t rush blindly into battle without preparing some possible means of success; she’d suspect that I’d come intending to throw the match. But she also wasn’t the type of person to just let it go if I gave up and said, I’ve decided to forget about our challenge.

Even if she were, I didn’t want to embarrass her.

“…”

What a mind-fuck.

Did I actually have to figure out a way to try to land a blow, not in order to win─but to lose convincingly?

I had to come up with a way to win, but mustn’t win that way? Why was I stuck doing all this cloak-and-dagger maneuvering?

It was like getting a question wrong on purpose to keep the class average from going up too much… If this was the price of acting on impulse, it was too steep for me.

“Looks like a body’s come to the end of the line, as she would say.”

“Your body’s come to the end of the line? Wow, you mastered the martial arts just like that, big brother?”

What a dumbass.

And this dumbass was the one who’d pointed out how insensitive I’d been.