Monogatari Series - Volume 15 - Chapter 2.02

002

“Ah, that must be it. I’ve been feeling kind of nauseous, but now it makes sense, it’s because I’ve been walking with you, Araragi.”

“Wha?! You trying to breach my defenses with some inner monologue about an epiphany you supposedly just had?!”

May ninth.

Tuesday evening─I was on the way back from that ruined cram school with Hitagi Senjogahara. Like a proper gentleman, my intention was to escort the young lady to her door, but her attitude was intensely harsh and dreadfully prickly.

“What’s that? You can’t go around listening to other people’s inner monologues, Araragi. Were you raised in a barn or something?”

“I didn’t go anywhere, your shit-talking came to me!”

“Feh. And I meant it as a compliment.”

“Don’t start acting like some cynical character! I can give you the benefit of the doubt till the cows come home, but there’s no way ‘being with you makes me feel nauseous’ could be a compliment!”

“I wonder, do you think it might be morning sickness?”

“So being with me makes you feel pregnant?!”

No.

That still didn’t sound like a compliment.

“It was just a token of my desire to tout your manliness to the wider world.”

“That’s one hell of a negative campaign. That’s only promoting my cons.”

“But you know, Araragi, your own inner monologue’s been making a real racket this whole time.”

“Huh? That’s odd, I could’ve sworn I was talking with you…”

Felt like I was taking a wound about once every five seconds.

What the hell was I chatting with?

A girl, or a sword?

“…”

Well.

Nevertheless, a thoroughly gentlemanly interpretation would be that this attitude of Hitagi Senjogahara’s─of this classmate of mine─was understandable. I really did have to plumb the uttermost depths of gentlemanliness, but I managed to understand it.

She’d been in constant misery, after all─so miserable that she couldn’t even experience misery.

Misery so constant that she wasn’t even numb anymore, she’d become an addict.

The misery of illness.

She’d been constantly struggling with illness─and thanks to her accidental brush with me the previous day, a period had been put at the end of that sentence of struggle.

Though saying it was thanks to her brush with me sounds kind of self-aggrandizing. Even if she’d never met me, I’m sure she would’ve rescued herself from her own plight eventually─but that’s neither here nor there.

With Oshino’s help, we’d more or less taken care of her aberration-based malady─that had been just last night, and today we’d gone to see him again to tie up the loose ends, or to deal with the final cleanup, or to take care of the last few minor issues that had cropped up.

And now we were headed home.

For Senjogahara, it was all so new─it made sense that she couldn’t just turn off this prickly personality, cultivated to combat her illness, like flipping a light switch. As her friend, I simply prayed that at some point her thorns would be blunted.

“But you know, they say that you really learn to feel grateful for good health when you recover from an illness, but after having been sick for so long, even ‘walking along’ like this feels totally novel to me.”

“Hmm, I bet.”

“I feel like I’m in a completely different world.”

“A different world, huh?”

The part about walking feeling novel sounded like an exaggeration, but maybe that was her genuine impression after having been mired in fakeness.

Incidentally, I’d ridden my bike to the ruined cram school the night before, but that day I walked there and back with her. Circumstances─or inconveniences stemming from the previous night’s resolution had ruled out my bike.

Happily, those inconveniences had been taken care of once and for all, so starting the next morning I’d be riding my beloved mountain bike around town again, the thought of which made me want to skip all the way home.

But I couldn’t even imagine the lengths to which Senjogahara, walking along beside me, would go to mock me if I did, so I settled for walking.

“By the way, Araragi. Since by some miracle you’re walking with a girl, how about you walk between her and the street. You really are a tactless piece of shit, aren’t you?”

“…”

I didn’t even have to skip for her to mock me.

She was right, though, I was being thoughtless, so I went around to stand on her left.

And I told myself, What’s this, she’s trying to raise me to be a proper gentleman, so it didn’t even hurt my feelings.

“Do you mind not standing on my left? I see what you’re up to, you’re after my heart.”

“…”

She’d set me up.

It was a little too predictable.

As her friend I’d wanted to pray for her thorns to be blunted, but never mind the prayer, the friend part was starting to come into question.

“You seem plenty lively,” I said. “Maybe you don’t need me to walk you all the way home. See you around…”

“What are you talking about? If you’re going to walk me home, walk me all the way home. What if word got out that a boy only walked Hitagi Senjogahara partway home? My reputation as the Cloistered Princess would be ruined.”

“Self-involved much?”

“If you bail on me here, I’ll spread the rumor that you tried to kill me.”

“I see you’re not too worried about other people’s reputations.”

Plus, who the hell would believe it?

I’m not exactly renowned as an assassin.

“You don’t have anyone to spread rumors to anyway.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll just mutter endlessly to myself about it in our classroom and all around school.”

“Hard not to worry about a girl like that.”

I’ll walk you home already, I shrugged.

I’d intended to do it out of the goodness of my heart, but it somehow ended up feeling more like an obligation─that was fine, though, it’s not like I had anything else to do.

I didn’t care to be “silenced” for saying the wrong thing like the day before─I’d already given her back the arsenal of office supplies I’d confiscated.

“Now then… What about it, I wonder.”

“Hm? What about what?”

“Uhh, give me a second. I’ll think of a way to put this that even Araragi will be able to understand.”

“How about thinking of a way to put it that won’t piss Araragi off instead.”

“Look, Mister Oshino demanded a fee for this, right?”

“Oh. Yup.”

One hundred thousand yen.

It might not be a huge sum in comparison to the five million that I owed him, but it was still a lot for a high school girl.

The thing that somehow felt worst about it was that one hundred thousand yen seemed calculated to be just within reach, even considering Senjogahara’s family circumstances─it made you think I’ll work it out somehow.

“Do you have any savings or anything?” I asked.

“None at all. In fact I’m in the red.”

“Huh? Your parents would be one thing…but you, yourself? Not counting Oshino?”

“Uh huh. My team finished last year’s pennant race with a four-game deficit.”

“Do you own a professional baseball team or something?”

She was a multi-millionaire in that case.

Just pay off the hundred thousand right now.

Put it on your credit card.

But even if she didn’t have other debts, I believed the part about not having any savings─in which case Senjogahara was going to have to find a way to save up a hundred thou.

“I guess I’ll just have to get a part-time job at a fast food joint like Mister Oshino said.”

“Well, he didn’t say anything to either of us about a deadline, so I don’t think you need to be too worried about coming up with a plan to get the money.”

“Unlike you, Araragi, I try to be scrupulous about money.”

“Don’t just assume that I’m careless with it.”

“If I’m going to default on my loans, I’ll default on them properly, and if I’m going to pay them off, I’ll pay them off properly.”

“…”

Is there a proper protocol for defaulting on your loans?

In any case, I had a hard time picturing Senjogahara working part-time at a fast food joint…

“Hi, welcome. You’re taking this to go?”

“Offer them the option to stay. Don’t be so eager to send ’em on their way.”

“Would you like fries with that?”

“Why say it like a native English speaker?”

“Would you like some potato with that?”

“Now it sounds like I’m going to get a raw potato…”

“Hmm. Sounds like I’m not cut out after all for a part-time jibe.”

“If it’s jibes we’re talking about, you’re cut out for overtime.”

And then─something occurred to me.

Something I’d talked about with Hanekawa the previous month, about how Oshino’s “line of work” was collecting tales of aberrations and selling them off for a pretty penny…

“Senjogahara. Do you know any scary stories or anything?”

“Sure, if you count walking with you like this.”

“That doesn’t count.”

“Then no, I don’t.”

What a harpy.

I’ve heard of abusing the kindness of others, but being abused before you’ve even gotten the chance to be kind? A rare bird indeed.

I said, “Listen, I was just thinking. As an expert, Oshino’s doing his part to collect tales of aberrations─so if you know any unusual ones, any rare urban legends or anything, you might be able to take care of your debt that way.”

“Hmmm, like a barter, you mean. That’s not a bad idea, Araragi, especially given that it came from you. I shall grant you my praise.”

“…”

A simple thank you would’ve sufficed.

Of all possible expressions of thanks, “I shall grant you my praise” has to be the least gratifying to receive.

“Unfortunately, though, I don’t know any above and beyond the one I personally experienced.”

“I don’t think there’s any above or beyond when it comes to aberrations.”

“Ooh, thy words come from on high. Not for nothing has he associated with the king of aberrations, his esteemed lordship Araragi’s pronouncement is precious, so very precious.”

“Esteemed lordship…”

“Indeed, from the lofty perch whence his lordship condescends to view the world, all aberrations, all mysterious phenomena, must appear equal, but for a lowly worm like myself, crawling through the mire, the difference is quite pronounced, O Araragi the Great.”

“O? The Great?”

Hmm, she was usually domineering, but this submissive act really worked for her…

“Greek mythology tells of Ajax the Great and Ajax the Lesser, but what a title to append to a person’s name…” she observed. “I would never call anyone the Lesser.”

“Sure, calling someone the Great is all well and good, but Lesser is just cruel.”

“Isn’t it, Araragi the Tiniest?”

“My name’s one thing, but if you’re talking about my height I must protest in the strongest possible terms!”

“What, should I call you The Grand Araragi, then? O Grand Araragi.”

“…”

Obsequiousness suited her…

This could be a problem.

“Anyway, I don’t know any tales of aberrations. I’m fundamentally no good with scary stories. Even worse than I am with mindless labor, so I guess I just need to find a part-time job.”

“Hmmm… I mean, sure, do what you feel.”

To me, scary stories seemed like nothing but her forte…or to be honest, I felt like my first encounter with her yesterday had been one hell of a “scary story” itself.

The Madness of the Stapler Lady.

Mightn’t Oshino pay for that one?

To the tune of oh, say, around five million yen?

“You’re thinking something rude, aren’t you, Araragi.”

“So pointlessly perceptive…”

I’m not even allowed to gripe in my own head?

She was a little too worried about unfavorable reviews.

“Let me make this clear, Araragi. No internal freedom is allowed within five hundred feet of me.”

“Despotism.”

“Your unfreedom of expression, unfreedom of faith, and unfreedom of thought are guaranteed.”

“Tyranny.”

With a surprisingly wide jurisdiction!

Quite an individual.

“Some call me the Red Queen.”

“What, is this Through the Looking Glass?”

“Or they call me a red herring.”

“Sounds fishy.”

“Some also call me a red flag. A flaming red fake.”

“What kind of an alias is that? It sounds cool, but it just means you’re a pariah.”

“Huh? Right, why am I such a pariah… Will my life play out okay?”

Suddenly ill at ease, Senjogahara halted and began to worry for real.

So emotionally unstable…

I’d been relatively serious about parting ways partway home, but it didn’t seem like I could leave a girl like her alone on a public road. I figured it was my duty as a friend to see her all the way home. I mean, even if we weren’t friends, it was my civic duty.

“This is bad, Araragi. I’ve got to start getting on people’s good side. I’d hate being second only to you on the world’s shit list.”

“…Hey, do you want to be my friend, or not?”

“Of course I do. I want to be your frenemy.”

“Isn’t that a combination of ‘friend’ and ‘enemy’?!”

“Yup. In other words, we’ll be both friend and foe…”

“Wait, isn’t a friend who’s also your enemy just an enemy?!”

She was trying to make it sound like a healthy rivalry.

I so lacked any reason to compete with her.

“By the way, I can’t stand people who go around saying ‘OMG, I don’t have any friends’ but have friends they can say it to,” she declared.

“…”

So narrow-minded.

A little too intolerant.

“Makes me want to teach them what it really means not to have any friends.”

“It’s fine, ease up. Now you’ve got me.”

“Hmph.”

Senjogahara looked at me.

And what a look it was.

Like her eyes might swallow me whole─I wondered, considering what I knew of her personality, if she also hated people who claimed to be her friend, like me?

Hmmm.

Maybe this wasn’t going to go the way it did with Hanekawa…

“Feh. I suppose you’re right,” she said after what seemed like forever─without producing either stapler or box-cutter.

I was more relieved than I could ever remember being.

“I’ll ease up this time, out of the goodness of my harp seal.”

“Harp seal?”

“I thought turning a sentence ending into an animal might be cute.”

“I can’t get a read on your personality…”

A puzzling point.

Past the point of puzzling.

Then again, was this just her way of hiding her embarrassment? In which case, maybe there was some cuteness in there somewhere.

“A scary story, huh? I wish I did know one.”

Even though she’d adopted the part-time job plan, she acted as if she wasn’t done considering mine.

Though maybe that was still just her hiding her embarrassment.

“Of course we could always make one up,” she concluded.

“Nope.”

Not cute, after all.

How could she calmly discuss passing off some bullshit to my, to our, savior?

“Yeah, you’re right… If I tried to cash in on a lie, I’d be no different from that low-life jerk.”

“Huh? ‘That’ low-life jerk? Who do you mean?”

“Hm? Oh, sorry… Anytime I say ‘low-life jerk’ I mean you.”

“Even in this context?!”

“Hey.”

With that interjection, Senjogahara, who had come to a halt, suddenly started moving─not forwards, but sideways. In other words, she made to hop from the sidewalk into the street.

I couldn’t begin to figure out why she tried to all of a sudden. Still, even though we hadn’t known each other for very long, I was already somewhat accustomed to her erratic behavior after a couple of days together, and I reflexively blocked her movement.

By putting my arm around her shoulders.

I was blocking the momentum of another person’s entire body, even if that person was a girl, so as you might expect I felt a real heft─unlike.

Unlike the day before, when I’d caught Senjogahara on the stairs…

“What.”

“Huh?”

“Getting a little familiar, aren’t you?”

“Oh, my bad,” I said, removing my arm from her shoulder. “But you tried to jump out into the street…”

“What, you thought I was committing suicide? Impulsively?”

“Impulsively, or…”

Though I wasn’t going to say so out loud, I didn’t put it past her.

Her battle with illness may have ended, but I doubted her struggles were over─even apart from still having to go to the hospital for a thorough battery of follow-up tests.

“Don’t worry, Araragi. Unlike you, with your regimen of offing yourself three times daily, at mealtimes, I’d never kill myself.”

“I don’t have a prescription for suicide, okay?”

“Wha? Then how come all the girls in our class call you Johnny Suicide?”

“Wha? The girls in our class all call me that?”

Way to make you feel suicidal.

I’m pretty sure she was lying this time, but it bothered me nonetheless. I’d have to check with Hanekawa later on…though she’d be taken aback if I asked her flat-out, What do all the girls call me?

“Fine, Johnny Suicide wants to know why you tried to jump out into the street.”

“I wasn’t jumping out into the street, I just wanted a better view of that.”

“That?”

I looked in the direction Senjogahara was pointing, at the sidewalk on the other side of the street─and a telephone pole that stood there. Well, strictly speaking not the telephone pole itself, but something at its base.

At a bouquet of flowers.

A brand-new bouquet.

There wasn’t a stand or anything, but that had to be…

“I couldn’t tell from my angle, since it was behind the telephone pole─and I wanted to get a better view. Guess there must’ve been a car accident somewhere around here.”

“Seems like it… Recently, you think?”

The road that ran from the cram school ruins to Senjogahara’s house wasn’t the one I usually took, it being outside my territory, so even if there’d been a car accident, or really any kind of accident, I just wouldn’t know…

“Anyway, if you got hit by a car because you were distracted by the flowers, the person who died would never be able to rest in peace. You’ve gotta be more careful.”

Sadly, you sometimes heard about follow-on victims─distracted by a “Frequent Accidents in This Vicinity” billboard, they end up in a head-on collision, that kind of thing.

“I made sure there were no cars coming. No need to worry, low-life jerk.”

“When that’s how you keep referring to a friend, how could I not worry?”

Plus, I call bullshit.

She’d been totally distracted by the flowers. Taken together with her slip-and-fall on the stairs the day before, maybe she actually was pretty careless.

High-strung and careless… What a terrible combination.

She’d finally recovered from her “illness” but could still wind up dead if I didn’t attend to her─what was she, an endangered species? Perhaps seeing her all the way home didn’t cut it, better make sure she got safely inside.

Hmmm, this new friend of mine was a real handful…

“I just remembered.”

“Huh?” I cocked my head at Senjogahara’s sudden statement. “You remembered what? My dignity? The proper way to apologize to me?”

“I can’t remember something that never existed.”

“Is that right.”

“I remembered a ‘scary story’─so Araragi.”

“Yeah?”

“This is a command from Your Highness. Do what you gotta do.”

“…”

What kind of princess talks like that?