Monogatari Series - Volume 12 - Chapter 1.32

032

Gaen left without any fanfare.

She said she’d wait for us to contact her and gave me numbers for three of her five mobile devices─she said she couldn’t give me all five for security reasons, but I don’t really understand what she meant by that.

Of course I was going to keep my promise─I would contact Kanbaru, and I was going to help Gaen with her job. I wasn’t going to lie there.

To lie…

“Ononoki… So why didn’t you go back with her?” I asked the familiar, who’d gotten up from Gaen’s lap to sit back down on the bench─looking as though nothing important had taken place, but still not standing up and leaving.

If she wanted to go home, surely she could have gone with Gaen─it would have been the most convenient for her, given her work.

“Well. I’m lost with you─I thought that if I went home now, the Darkness might activate.”

“Oh. That’s kind of you.”

“Is it? Part of the reason is that the Darkness might come after me, as someone who ‘witnessed’ Miss Hachikuji. You might not be able to call it plain kindness. I don’t know,” Ononoki said, looking away.

I wasn’t sure how serious she was being─but yes, that possibility did exist. No, but wait. The Lost Cow wouldn’t lead astray anyone who walked away from it─so her concern might have been a little unnecessary.

Or it might have been an excuse.

“That’s right, Mister Araragi, this problem is bigger than just me. I’m even going to be causing Miss Ononoki trouble─you understand, don’t you?” Hachikuji said, sitting across from me.

Holding my hand.

No─Hachikuji wasn’t holding my hand anymore.

I was just grabbing onto hers.

I’d grabbed it so she wouldn’t go.

So she wouldn’t disappear.

“After all─you know you’re not the only one who’s witnessed me, Mister Araragi. There aren’t that many people who have seen me since I stopped being a Lost Cow, but a good few did─and the Darkness is going to go after those witnesses, too. To mention someone close to you, that includes Miss Hanekawa. I just spoke with her the other day.”

“…”

“And there must be a lot of people who know about me, even if they haven’t witnessed me. Right? Like Miss Kanbaru, Miss Sengoku, Miss Senjogahara, Miss Karen and Miss Tsukihi, Miss Shinobu, Mister Oshino─and Miss Ononoki, and even Miss Gaen, whom I met only today. You know that all of them could be swallowed up unless we do something.”

“But they might not be.”

“It’s going to be too late once it happens, though─Mister Araragi. Do you want to make me feel the way Miss Shinobu felt four hundred years ago?”

So.

So please let go of my hand.

Hachikuji spoke the words quietly─like she was trying to reason with me.

“It’s not fair for you,” I objected, “to put it that way.”

“But it’s the truth─and it’s the way things ought to be. You were supposed to have allowed me to move on to the next world in May, on Mother’s Day─this is like overtime. No, not overtime─a bonus level, maybe?”

To put it another way.

A postponement─is what this has been.

“I didn’t think this would last forever─it was going to end eventually. The end was more sudden than I expected, but well…that’s just how it is.”

When a child lies.

The lie usually comes to an abrupt end.

“I wonder if I lived a little too freely, doing things like going to your home and sleeping there, even if it was part of a lie. This case in particular didn’t have any grave story or complicated reason behind it all─it’s just that I kept on putting off going to the other side because I had such fun talking to you. I wanted to be able to enjoy those kinds of moments forever─or at least until your college exams were over, but, well, I guess nothing ever works out that neatly. I had fun this summer break, didn’t you?”

“Wait… No, stop it. Don’t try to wrap everything up. Don’t start looking back. Nothing’s going to end here─I’ll figure it out. There has to be something, there’s still time to turn this around─”

There had to be something, some way to save everyone.

Grave stories?

Complicated reasons?

Who needs them?

A girl, who had spent eleven years alone, just felt like playing for a while longer─is that something that deserved judgment, that deserved punishment?

A sentiment like that?

What about it broke the rules?

There had to be some kind of breakthrough we could make─because there was something wrong with the world if there wasn’t.

“No, there’s no breakthrough─in fact, hasn’t the world been kind? Usually, you wouldn’t get a few months like this, not when you’re a ghost of a ghost─not when you’re as preposterous as I am.”

“No, but… But doing this, where we put all the blame on you in order to save everyone─”

“What are you talking about, Mister Araragi?” Hachikuji laughed. Like she was enjoying it. “Isn’t that exactly what you’ve been doing all this time? You can’t do that and then stop others from doing it themselves.”

“Why?” I asked Hachikuji. Her attitude was nothing but cheerful, which almost made me angry. “Why are you able to stay so calm? Yes─it might look like that’s how I’ve been doing things, but I’ve never once been able to stay calm. I’ve always been on the verge of tears─no, I’ve wept as I fought. How are you able to be that way, like you’re not unsure or dissatisfied about a thing─”

“I would be lying if I said I’m not unsure… But I’m not dissatisfied. It was fun, after all. I’ll just be in the sky watching over you from here on out, Mister Araragi.”

“I’m telling you to stop saying that kind of thing─”

Listen to me.

I still haven’t─talked to you.

I haven’t talked to you enough.

There’s still so much for us to talk about.

I want to talk to you more─I want to talk to you forever.

“Oh, I guess that was the problem. I shouldn’t have said that I’m going to disappear. I’m going to go home, Mister Araragi. I’m going to go away─but it’s not as if I’ll have never been here.”

“How’s that any different… How are words going to make it any better─”

Even Hachikuji couldn’t want this on the inside.

She had to be scared.

Just thinking back to the first time she encountered the Darkness─so desperate to escape it.

She couldn’t be free of frustration and regret.

She couldn’t be feeling fine─having to follow such an unreasonable rule, having to be judged by such an absurd law.

To be defeated by something that wasn’t even an enemy.

To have to accomplish something that wasn’t even a goal─it was all so senseless.

“Well, actually… Just like Miss Shinobu caused that incident four hundred years ago by pretending to be a god, I caused this one by pretending to be a wandering ghost─so I need to take responsibility.”

“What responsibility…”

“Well─I suppose you’d want me to take responsibility for your bike first, Mister Araragi.”

“Why would I care about…”

Okay, I did.

But that wasn’t something I was going to force onto a ten year old.

“I’m not Miss Shinobu, but this happened because I wanted it to last just a little longer, and I need to settle this myself─”

“If you’re going to say that, I’m just as guilty as you─I had fun talking to you, too. If you’re responsible, then─”

So am I.

In fact, I was the one─who’d been entertained by Hachikuji.

And yet I couldn’t do a thing now? How could I allow that?

I could never─so why wasn’t I able to do a thing?

“Knock it off, kind monster sir─it’s hard to tell which of you is the child here,” Ononoki said by my side. Her expression as unconcerned and affectless as ever. “You need to learn when to give up─no, maybe in this case, you literally need to learn when to let things die. She’s saying it’s fine, isn’t that good enough for you?”

“That’s right, Mister Araragi─I’m saying it’s fine.”

“God, you just don’t understand, do you?!” I raised my voice without meaning to.

Like I was lashing out.

“Stop talking about yourself for a second and try thinking about how I feel!”

This isn’t about whether it’s fine or not.

I don’t want you going away!

“If it’s the only alternative─then I’ll just stay lost with you for the rest of my life.”

“Mister─Araragi.”

“Oh, right, there was always that─I guess that would solve everything, wouldn’t it? Why didn’t I think of such a simple solution? I just have to stay here and not go back to my town. All I have to do is stay lost with you for the rest of my life, whether it’s in the mountains or in some unknown village. There’d be no problem then, because you’d be carrying out your role as a Lost Cow. The Darkness wouldn’t attack Hanekawa or any of the others, either. I guess we’d be involving Shinobu, but she’s always lived her life on the road. In fact, she might even enjoy going on that kind of a journey.”

“Mister Araragi─”

“Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I’ll do. Not a problem at all─I don’t know how much longer I have left to live as a half-vampire─but I should be able to survive for at least another ten or twenty years. After that much overtime, that long of a bonus level, those eleven years of yours would finally be worth it and─”

“Mister Araragi!” she yelled.

It was the first time─Hachikuji yelled at me in this way.

“What are you talking about? You’re going to waste twenty whole years for my sake? What about Miss Senjogahara? And Miss Hanekawa? And you have your little sisters, too. Even if you could involve Miss Shinobu, what about everyone else?”

“Well… I’d think about what to do for each of them…”

“Thinking isn’t going to get you anywhere. You can’t choose absolutely everyone.”

You’re not an Italian gentleman, Hachikuji tried to joke even in this situation. She was still the Hachikuji I’d always known.

“No… Even an Italian gentleman wouldn’t be able to,” I said. I was so useless.

I couldn’t come up with any witty repartee or stage direction.

All I could do for her─was sit there and be sad.

Yes, even I realized that I was─just pretending not to know when to give up, just pretending to think, just pretending to agonize─just pretending to be at my wit’s end.

But I understood. We’d already arrived at the conclusion.

Yes.

I─knew.

That ultimately, fate was something you couldn’t change─I’d learned that from experience in a world eleven years prior to this one, hadn’t I?

“It’s fine, Mister Araragi. ‘We might be apart, but we’ll always be together,’ or ‘The memories in our hearts and minds will never fade,’ or ‘I’ll always be near you,’ or ‘Our bond is eternal,’ or ‘I’ll surely come back when you need me most’─please let yourself be persuaded by that sort of thing.”

“How can I by anything as blithe as that?!”

Give me a break!

I brushed away Hachikuji’s hand.

I stood from the bench at the same time─well, it looked like Hachikuji had successfully gotten me to let go of her hand.

Oh, fine.

I lose.

It wasn’t like I was going to get in the last word against this girl─no matter how much we spoke, she was going to stay eloquent, and I couldn’t even hope to argue it down to a draw.

So fine─it was fine now.

“Yes, Mister Araragi, it’s fine,” Hachikuji said.

I didn’t turn to face her. My back was still to her.

“These last three months that I enjoyed talking to you are more than enough to make up for the eleven years I spent alone and lost on the street.”

“…”

“So it’s fine now. Thank you.”

I heard a sound behind me.

Hachikuji must have gotten off the bench─maybe she was putting her backpack on again.

She was going to go already?

She wasn’t dragging this out at all─and was actually satisfied?

Did she really need nothing more?

It wasn’t my place to say anything if so─I don’t believe that the only right thing for a ghost to do is to move onto the next world, but that’s just what I think.

If our world’s rules didn’t think so─and more importantly, if Hachikuji didn’t think so, I couldn’t selfishly force my own house rules on them. That would make me no different from the Darkness.

What I needed to do here was probably to stop being stubborn, to turn around and see Hachikuji off with a smile─well, I could do it crying, too, but I was probably supposed to give her a proper sendoff.

That’s how I needed to see her off.

At the very least, I wasn’t supposed to be acting this obstinate and half-angry… I shouldn’t be seriously angry at the Darkness, at Gaen, at Ononoki, at Hachikuji.

I’d probably regret parting with her like this.

I’d carry it around with me for the rest of my life.

I knew that but─I couldn’t do it.

It made me feel like a petty human, even if I’d become a half-vampire and experienced all kinds of ghost stories─it made me see how small and empty a person I was.

It drove home that I’m just me.

I couldn’t even humor one girl.

Ononoki was exactly right─I could barely tell which of us was the child here.

“Oh, that’s right, Mister Araragi. Why don’t we end by doing that thing we always do. You know the one.”

“…”

Not that I had the mental fortitude to ignore Hachikuji when she called my name. After a pause, I still didn’t turn around as some small form of resistance.

“What thing?” I said, keeping my reply short.

“You know, the routine that starts with me saying, ‘A slip of the tongue.’”

“…Really?”

I wasn’t able to smile, but nor could I stop this urge to smirk from welling up.

I couldn’t believe it. Really, at a time like this?

Entertaining me.

Hachikuji was still entertaining me.

“So you were doing it on purpose after all.”

“Of course I was. No tongue would ever slip like that,” she smoothly admitted. “You know, Mister Araragi. Now that I think of it, we haven’t done it a single time this story.”

“…”

“Please, Mister Araragi. Think of it as your farewell gift to me.”

“Fine, then.”

I wondered if this was really a time for a slip of the tongue after all the times she’d spoken my name already─but in my current state, I didn’t think I could give her a proper sendoff.

And I couldn’t keep this up and give her a sulking sendoff, either─then at least, I might try a way that suited me.

Not soppily, but childishly, inappropriately.

We’d end our tale with a frivolous farewell.

The tale of a lost child and me.

Ah, geez.

Now I had a good excuse to turn around.

Ten-year-old girl or not, she really was like an older sister to me.

I wondered what was wrong with me, letting myself be the one getting humored─but while I say all this, to tell you the truth, a little part of me was looking forward to it.

Mayoi Hachikuji’s once-in-a-lifetime, final slip of the tongue.

I wondered how it would slip.

To be honest, the bar was just getting higher and higher.

I’m sorry, but I wasn’t going to quip back this time if it was a run-of-the-mill slip. I would just let it drop with a clunk. I’d simply reply, Huh, what? Did you ask for me?

That said, if she went for something too novel and a bit forced, I wasn’t going to say anything. I’d just sit there “looking baffled.”

Expecting so much from her might be cruel, but this was our last time.

I wanted her to rise at least that much to it.

I wanted at least that much license, too.

Okay.

With my mind made up, my feelings firm, and most of my nerves taut, I slowly turned to face Hachikuji, careful not to show any emotion.

“Smooch.”

Hachikuji should have been behind me, but for some reason she was right next to me when I turned. Even more confusingly, her face was far higher up than where her height should have put it.

And she placed her lips on mine once I turned.

“………?!”

“Sm…oooo─oooch!”

After tasting my lips, while I was frozen in shock, for a few seconds, she moved back.

No, it technically wasn’t Hachikuji who did the moving back. It was Ononoki, who had Hachikuji on her shoulders, who retreated.

Hachikuji matched my height by riding on Ononoki’s shoulders─what had sounded like Hachikuji wearing her backpack was in fact the sound of the two of them getting ready.

Still in that position.

Mayoi Hachikuji said coyly:

“I’m sorry. A slip of the tongue.”

Her cheeks were stained.

But not because she was blushing. She was crying, large tears dribbling down from her eyes.

Her cheeks, her eyes, it was all bright red.

But she was still smiling.

Hachikuji smiled until the very end.

“I loved you, Mister Araragi.”