Monogatari Series - Volume 11 - Chapter 1.02

002

i think it’s a very wonderful thing to fall in love with someone.

It’s a feeling like that’s all you need in your life, all you need to be cheerful, to make everything soft and fluffy.

The world is such a tough place, with so many things that are annoying or that don’t go your way, so there’s no end to things to be worried about, and the things you think will always be there for you might crumble at a moment’s notice, and the rules you think you could rely on turn out to be less reliable than you thought, and your body and your heart get so easily tired, so exhausted that you might just find yourself wanting to slump over on the ground, but even so, it’s like you can keep pushing yourself if you love someone, like you can always stay standing and keep walking if that someone is kind enough to stay by your side.

It’s like you can smile.

Even if you want to cry.

…

……

………

…So then.

So then, why?

So then why─am i.

Why is Nadeko curled up in a ball right now?

Why am i crouched down like this?

Arms around Nadeko’s knees, looking at the ground.

Why am i crying?

i don’t know.

i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know.

Really, why?

Why did it turn out like this?

i don’t know─

and i don’t want to know, either.

“What the hell are you doing, thinking about how it could’ve gone this way, or that way, or the other way─hmmmm?” the white scrunchy around Nadeko’s right wrist says─no, it isn’t technically a scrunchy.

This thing that looks like an armband is a white snake.

A white snake with bristling scales.

According to the horse’s mouth (the snake’s mouth?), he said to call him a serpent, not a snake─he seems to like the sound of it better.

It fits me well, he says.

Of course, “snake” and “serpent” should mean the same thing, so it shouldn’t be a problem if i describe this white scrunchy as a snake.

That isn’t the problem.

The problem is anywhere but there.

The scrunchy─the Serpent speaks.

His tone drips with malice.

It’s not about this or that─there’s no other way it could have gone, he says.

“Listen here. You know it’s aaaall your fault─my dear little Nadeko.”

“No,” i retort.

But Nadeko knows better than anyone that the retort is nothing more than a reaction, that there isn’t an ounce of strength in the word─Nadeko just reflexively denied what Mister Serpent said, nothing more.

A reaction, a reflex.

Nothing close to a retort.

“It’s not Nadeko’s fault.”

i try repeating the words, but they’re all but empty.

Empty and pointless.

No different from saying, it’s Nadeko’s fault.

Even so, Mister Serpent is only saying that to be mean. He must not actually think that it’s Nadeko’s fault─because the Serpent is something far removed from any moral concepts like good and evil.

For this snake, it’s only black or white, not good or evil.

White or black. Black or white.

That’s all.

No gray.

No judgment.

Because his opinion is─

“Hsshh hsshh hsshh─that’s exactly right, my dear. You know, I’d always thought of you as some unreliable brat whose thoughts I could never quite wrap my head around, but it actually seems like you see me for who I really am. Or did you just now figure it out? Because if you think about it, it’s already too late─hmmmm?” says the Serpent.

It feels like his wide-open mouth is about to swallow Nadeko up─and even if it doesn’t, his bared, glinting fangs make her shrink.

i cower.

…No, that’s a lie.

Fangs don’t scare Nadeko anymore.

They’re nothing to Nadeko.

i was surprised the first time i “saw” Mister Serpent, and i was scared too, but now i can look back fondly on a Nadeko who let this level of sharpness scare her, a Nadeko who could be afraid of it.

Nadeko is no longer afraid of anything.

There’s nothing Nadeko can be afraid of anymore.

Nothing anymore.

Those days when the fangs seemed scary.

Those days when Nadeko was a regular middle school student.

…Those days when Nadeko was a victim.

How long has it been since then? Well, i say so nostalgically, but not enough time has really gone by for Nadeko to say she’s looking back on all of this.

That was just the other day.

i remember every detail.

At the same time, though, that other day is so far gone i can never return to it─you can say it’s also the distant past.

While i wish from Nadeko’s heart that i could go back to being the person i was then, i know that’s impossible.

“Well, I wouldn’t say impossible. Listen here, Nadeko─returning to the past isn’t as difficult as you mammals think,” the Serpent says.

No, i guess Mister Serpent isn’t technically saying anything─he’s speaking directly to Nadeko’s heart.

That’s what he said.

You’re simply imagining my voice, he said.

Well, no, he never actually said anything.

He never actually tells Nadeko anything.

i’m hearing things.

i’m seeing things.

That’s what it is.

That’s what an aberration is.

Something aberrant, some kind of alteration.

If only i’d understood that better─then things probably wouldn’t have turned out this way.

This way. Any way.

“And so, my dear. If it’s your wish to return to the past, I wouldn’t mind granting it─after all, this great serpent before you is what your kind calls a god.”

“A god…”

Why?

The words seem empty.

They sound so “vackuous.”

The title, which should feel trustworthy, sounds like a flimsy front to Nadeko now. They don’t make it into Nadeko’s head, as if i was reading a math textbook.

A god.

A god…

God resides in all of our hearts, apart from which there is no faith─who did i hear that from?

“Will something change if we go back to the past?” i ask.

“Oh, no. Not a thing. Everything is just going to happen all over again. Like a refrain, or maybe a repeat, or no, I guess I should take this opportunity to say it’s like an Ouroboros. Going around and around forever, for eternity, just repeating itself─and yet, Nadeko, it’s at this point, when you have your arms around your knees, when you’re crying and cowering, that you always say that you want to go back to being the person you were. And then I grant your wish, each and every time. Like a god, you know?”

“…What a ‘tragidy.’”

It is a “tragidy.”

Even dying would be a better option─it’s not an exaggeration in this case.

Even living.

You could go so far as to say that having to rehash these same emotions forever is no different from hell─but at the same time, Nadeko can’t help but think.

This white snake wrapped around her right wrist that won’t let go, Mister Serpent─isn’t he the one who has had to repeat such a hell for eternity?

This snake that’s lived for over a thousand years.

This snake that’s died for over a thousand years.

Living and dying and living, again and again.

This snake that’s become a god.

That’s right. Mister Serpent is, after all, a god─something Nadeko doesn’t believe in.

A god that Nadeko─“ressurrected.”

“In that case, i don’t want to go to the past… Nadeko just wants to stay here like this forever.”

“Ah, is that so. Well, listen, my dear, you say that, but you don’t even know where you are and what you’re doing right now, do you, Nadeko?”

“i understand that much.”

That much, at least.

There are a lot of things that Nadeko doesn’t understand now, but she hasn’t lost sight of herself to the point that she doesn’t even know where she is.

i’m in a good place. No, that’s a lie.

Nadeko has lost sight of herself. She has lost herself.

But i still know.

Nadeko at least knows─where she is now.

She at least knows that she’s under the floor of a shrine.

That she has her arms around her knees under the floor of a shrine that once went to ruin─Kita-Shirahebi Shrine.

“i wonder what a stranger would think if they saw Nadeko now. Whispering here under the floor of a shrine. Would they think i’m a thief?”

“Beats me─but every human is like a thief to one extent or another. All they ever think about is how to snatch away someone’s vested interests.”

“i don’t know…”

“I think you do. Isn’t that something you’ve come to know better than anyone else in the world over the past few days? Hmmmm?”

“But i think there are a lot of people who aren’t like that, too.”

“If you’re going to say that, you ought to say there are a lot of times when things aren’t like that─because it’s up to the way a person decides to be in the moment, right? It’s easy for a good person to become a bad one, and it’s easy for a bad person to become a good one. Isn’t that the case for all the people you’ve dealt with until now? Have you forgotten? Hmmmm?”

“…”

i have the feeling that he’s trying to talk Nadeko into a corner, but that’s not why she’s quiet.

Nadeko often goes quiet when she doesn’t know what to do, but this time it’s different.

i’m quiet for a different reason.

Rustle.

i went quiet because of that sound.

It seemed to reset the Serpent’s hallucinatory voice along with Nadeko’s own, which just barely spoke to herself─seemed to “ickstinguish” it all.

The sound of footsteps.

By the sight of it─no, the sound of it, these were faint footsteps.

But it was a large sound to Nadeko.

A gigantic, massive sound.

The footsteps sounded to Nadeko like a “bahemoth” was “discending” on her.

Hopeless footsteps that seemed to destroy everything, turn everything upside down─

“…!”

And at that moment, it was blown away.

What was? Well, the shrine.

The shrine whose floor Nadeko was hiding under.

It was blown away─um, you know the story of the Three Little Pigs, right? i haven’t read it since i was little so i don’t remember the details too well, but i’m pretty sure there’s a house in it that a Mister Wolf blows down.

i recall being shocked by his lung capacity. What big lungs Mister Wolf must have, i thought, but that’s exactly what i just got to see.

Maybe that story isn’t make-believe, either.

Still, we’re talking about a wooden structure here, not a straw house.

It couldn’t have been sheer lung capacity, of course─

“Daydreaming about fairy tales in the middle of this crisis, Nadeko? I’m amazed─I always thought of you as the delicate type, but just look at those tough nerves of yours. Maybe it means you’ve learned how to detach your heart from your mind─hsshh hsshh. If that’s the case, I was right to pick you as my partner. I wasn’t sure about it from the very start to the very end, but I’m finally certain now, here at the very, very, very end.”

No.

That’s just crazy.

Mister Serpent didn’t pick Nadeko as his partner to begin with─neither the Serpent nor Nadeko had any choice at all.

Just crazy.

i feel a broken piece of the shrine fly past above Nadeko’s head, but she doesn’t look up, she keeps her arms around her knees─Nadeko doesn’t even flinch.

“Come on, dear, don’t look away from reality─just how long do you plan to sit there staring at the ground? You can close your eyes, avert them, hide them, cast them down, but none of it is going to make reality disappear. You must know that, you must have learned that by now─hmmmm?”

That goes without saying.

Because Nadeko─did want to make reality disappear and go away, but wasn’t able to.

Nadeko knows.

But what Nadeko doesn’t know, again─is why things turned out like this.

Now that the roof is gone─though technically it’s the floor, not the roof─well, with the entire shrine gone, it’s also correct to say the roof is─i finally realize it’s raining.

And it’s a big downpour.

A squall.

A cloudburst.

…Nadeko’s thoughts nearly turn to how well put “cloudburst” is, but i don’t even need any snarky remarks from Mister Serpent to know that this is no time for that.

In an instant, though, i’m drenched.

Maybe that’s exactly what i need.

Even if her clothes get heavy from soaking up water, it doesn’t really matter to Nadeko now, and also─this rain that started to pour all of a sudden will probably hide Nadeko’s tears.

“All of a sudden? C’mon, Nadeko, your memories are getting all muddled─hmmmm? Didn’t you climb under the shrine floor to take shelter from the rain? It was all well and good when you ran away and came to this mountain, but then it started to rain on top of that─”

“Is…that what happened?”

i forget. Nadeko’s mind is absent.

My memories are “muddeled.”

Well, if the Serpent says so, it’s probably true─but putting aside the “verasity” of this or that, the best word to describe Nadeko these days might just be “muddeled.”

Mixed up.

Muddied.

Nadeko really is muddeled right now.

Soggy and swampy.

“You might be muddled, but your mind does seem clear to me─yeah, that’s just my opinion. Hsshh hsshh, even now you look pretty coolheaded to me.”

Coolheaded?

Nadeko?

Is that true?

“Oh, right, maybe I should say coldblooded─since you’re able to pick out his footsteps even in this downpour.”

“…”

True.

Right.

Nadeko’s eyes could be facing the ground─the sound of the pouring rain could try to drown it out, but still.

His footsteps.

These footsteps.

The approaching footsteps─Nadeko can identify.

Cannot but identify.

Because he’s─very dear to her.

Someone Nadeko loves.

“Hey, Sengoku.”

Throb.

He calls Nadeko’s name─and she can feel her heart shake.

i can feel it throbbing and pounding and shaking.

i’m surprised that i still have something like a heart left, and i’m embarrassed that i’m reacting this way.

Oh.

So i still had emotions.

It’s so embarrassing.

i just want to disappear.

“What’s the matter? Look at me, Sengoku.”

“…”

It takes those words.

But Nadeko finally looks up.

i wanted to sit frozen there for the rest of my life, like a rock, like i was petrified─but those words from him are all it takes. Nadeko’s body doesn’t lie.

No.

This must be what Nadeko wanted from the beginning.

i hid. i ran.

But even so─it must have been because Nadeko wanted him to find her.

i must have wanted him to chase after Nadeko.

i must have wanted him to save Nadeko.

And.

And i must have wanted him to get rid of Nadeko─

“I’m here to kill you─Sengoku.”

That line.

That captivating line. It makes Nadeko feel like she’s going to melt.

Nadeko’s body just has to react to it─to his now visible figure.

To Koyomi Araragi’s figure.

Big Brother Koyomi’s figure─i can see it.

i can see him clearly, even in this blinding rain.

Clearly.

Yes, so clearly.

“Hsshh hsshh─you know there’s not any kind of emotional reason that you can see him, right? You’re just sensing Big Brother Koyomi’s body heat with the snake’s signature pit organ─” the Serpent butts in.

But i can’t complain.

It’s Mister Serpent’s job to butt in.

“─Because you’re a snake now, dear─and a wonderfully poisonous one, too.”

“…”

Of course, the Serpent’s voice doesn’t reach Koyomi─and the Serpent is just butting in.

Because Nadeko can see him clearly.

No matter what the Serpent says.

i can see him clearly.

It doesn’t have anything to do with a pit organ or whatever─Nadeko can see Big Brother Koyomi clearly.

“Didn’t I just tell you to stop looking away from reality? Listen to me, that’s not possible.”

He’s right.

Of course.

Because his is a figure i’ve been chasing─for nearly six years.

He’s someone Nadeko always turned her eyes from but never stopped watching.

His tattered school uniform. His disheveled hair.

There’s barely an unwounded spot on his exposed skin─and the bleeding from none of the wounds shows any signs of stopping.

Koyomi’s left arm has been cruelly ripped off of him, too. No, strictly speaking, it’s connected by the skin─but that connection is so unreliable that Big Brother’s arm might fall to the ground if he twists his body even a bit.

Koyomi says that he’s a vampire.

A bloodsucking demon.

He wasn’t always, but apparently he is one now.

That’s what he told Nadeko when we were reunited, and he’s even showed her the skills that come along with it─but as far as i can see, his powers of recovery from being a vampire don’t seem to be working at all.

“C’mon, Nadeko. What a horrible way to put it,” the Serpent says immediately. “Aren’t you the one who left your vampire Big Brother in this awful state?” He never misses a chance to jump in with a quip. “Because poison is even effective on vampires. The fangs you stuck in him are still there. He hasn’t pulled them out.”

“…Oh. Really?”

Yeah.

Yes, really.

It was Nadeko. It’s Nadeko’s─fault.

There’s no room for excuses, no extenuating circumstances.

It was Nadeko’s fault.

“In that case…i guess i really need to fight him,” i say.

i slowly rise.

In Nadeko’s right hand is Mister Serpent. In her left is a giant fang.

i rise─with poison in my heart.

My soaked bangs slide at the motion─no, Nadeko’s body is already prepared to fight, regardless of her will.

If i had to say if Koyomi is black or white, he’d be black─and facing her staggeringly black, vampiric Big Brother.

Nadeko’s hair is standing on end.

Each one of those hairs─a snake.

A swarm of snakes.

A writhing tangle of snakes.

Yes.

It’s not just Mister Serpent.

Nadeko is now─joined by a hundred thousand snakes.

Nadeko is toothless to impose her will on the mass of them─and they’re the ones who will do the biting anyway.

No.

That’s not true.

These are just more excuses─a hundred thousand of them.

Nadeko set them off, and Nadeko caused them, too.

They’re the fault of one individual, Nadeko Sengoku.

I’m at fault.

I’m the one who was enwrapped by the snake.

The one who let it crawl into my heart.

“Hmph. Naught but an aberration body and soul. She hath fallen so, ’twould appear─though in this case we might choose to say ascended.”

A voice.

The somewhat old-timey words come from a young blond girl who i only now notice, but it seems like she’s been by Koyomi’s side this whole time.

“And now at last I see why that Hawaiian-shirted boy always insisted that I be careful with this forelocked girl. Though I suppose she’s no forelocked girl now, but a snake-locked one. Nay─perhaps I should say a snake-god girl.”

“…”

“Come on, now,” the blond girl says to Koyomi.

The words are relaxed, like the two are close.

As if they’re partners.

“Don’t ye shilly-shally now. This waif is no longer thy sister’s friend, nor is she thy adorable little junior─she is a wicked, fiendish, and hopeless aberration. Just another snake,” emphasizes the blond girl─Miss Shinobu Oshino.

“Yeah, I know that,” Koyomi nods in reply.

As if they understand each other perfectly.

He continues.

“We’re looking at my enemy─and your food.”

“…”

“Go ahead and eat her, Shinobu.”

As he says this.

Koyomi and Miss Shinobu─take off in Nadeko’s direction, despite the still-pouring rain, no special signal needed, not even a wink.

i’m so jealous, Nadeko thinks.

Of who? Miss Shinobu.

That’s where Nadeko wanted to be, really.

Right by Big Brother Koyomi’s side.

i wanted to be his partner.

Even if we couldn’t be each other’s lover, i at least wanted us to be at each other’s side.

So why is Nadeko─standing face-to-face with him like this?

i don’t know. i don’t know.

i don’t know─why is Nadeko─

Why am I─

Opposing him?

“I hate you, Big Brother Koyomi!”

Nadeko swings the giant fang in her left hand─and it strikes directly at Koyomi’s heart.

i knew how powerful it would be.

And by god, is it powerful.

They say that you can end a vampire’s life by sticking a simple stake of wood into its heart─so what about a fang from a white snake?

Nadeko’s beloved.

The heart of Nadeko’s once beloved─ah.

It scatters in the air.

Its muscles and blood come raining down on Nadeko.

Like rain.

Like a torrent.

“Woo-hoo! Looks like you really did it now, Nadeko!” the Serpent roars.

A hundred thousand snakes raise shouts of victory.

No.

i think it might have been Nadeko’s own voice, after all.

Because─Nadeko Sengoku is laughing now.

Even though she wants so much to cry.

Even though she is crying─Nadeko is laughing.

“Aha,” she laughs.

She laughs, and laughs, and laughs, and laughs, and laughs.

What else can she do, it’s so funny─

“Ahahahaha… Ahaha, ahahahaha!”

Oh, really.

Why did things turn out this way─why?

Why.