Koi wa Futago de Warikirenai - Volume 1 - Chapter Pr1

Love could not get shared between the twins. Vol 1 - Prologue 1

PROLOGUE 1: Soliloquy of Jinguji Rumi

I’m living a life while continuously making mistakes.

My biggest one till now was confessing my feelings to Jun, and starting dating him.

Shirasaki Jun is my childhood friend.

When I was in elementary school, in that vacant lot adjacent to my home, where I would play with my sister Naori, his house was built there. In exchange for our playground being occupied, Jun’s house got built in its place.

When I first met Jun, I fell in love with him. It was what we know as “love at first sight”. I was so nervous that I even fumbled while greeting him. In my heart, I had a pose of guts to encourage me. If he was the result of our playground being occupied, I knew absolutely that I could forgive him.

Jun was extremely cool. He was totally my type.

He had long slit eyes, but he wasn’t angry-looking, and his nose was well-developed, and he had a bit of a cocky vibe about him that fascinated me towards him.

His personality was as calm as he looked, and even when something happened, he would say in a relaxed voice, “What’s wrong?” as if it was normal to him. Now that I think about it, he might have been just trying to act like an adult, but when I was a kid, I thought he was so mature and cool.

It was only natural that I thought everything he did was cool. I think it’s the same for every girl’s first love. The way he would brush his hair up a little made me nervous, the sweat running down his cheeks, being charmed by veins on his neck. The way he answers correctly whenever the teacher points at him, the way I could get a glimpse of that white collarbone whenever he bends down, having my heart flutter whenever he would look out the window with a melancholic look in his face. …Well, there are many things, aren’t there? Un.

I was more of an active type, so that was the first time I got involved with a boy like Jun.

When I look back to my childhood, there was always a book by Jun’s side. Jun was, after all, a voracious reader. I think he used to read books even during the time given in the break time, which was only ten minutes long. Of course, we weren’t in the same class for all the six years, so I don’t know if it was always like that or not, but that’s the image I have of him in my mind. Incidentally, this hobby of Jun’s would lead me to suffering later on, but I’ll leave it for later at present.

And so, since Jun was incredibly knowledgeable, he taught us sisters about so many other things. Why the sky would looks blue, how airplanes fly, and how, the very reason how twins are born──

[TL: … come again!?]

But you know what?

I still think it’s kind of bizarre to talk about eggs and sperm to elementary school girls without any sort of embarrassment nor thought. Now that I think about it, I guess I thought it was mature to be able to say such things without hesitation to others. Well, when I was a child, I just genuinely thought that Jun knew everything and was amazing and had my eyes sparkling around him. I was such an idiot.

Twins.

That’s me and Naori.

I have a younger sister named Naori. When we were kids, we looked so much alike that people suspected we were identical. Our hairstyles were kept the same, while our clothes were of different colors. So, we were often mistaken for each other. It was fun to tease, and we played about this with adults on purpose.

But we couldn’t fool our parents and Jun.

Because we are not exactly identical per se, we do not look the same in every sense. Of course, we look alike, but not to the point of being indistinguishable. It’s just about noticing the differences that would make us different. Now that I’m in high school, my hairstyle is different and also my body shape. So, I can’t play around fooling them with our identities anymore.

It’s not that I even want to do that now in the first place.

In addition to our appearance, we were not alike in personality as well. Ever since we were children, we were distinctly different. While I enjoyed playing with the boys and going out at events, I enjoyed it to the fullest; Naori was the type to complain about every other thing and had a troublesome look on her face. She is what we call a hardcore cynic.

And she was more of a reader than …… Jun himself was.

Not only did Naori love reading, but she also loved movies, anime, and just about everything else. This was definitely due to the influence of her father. In addition to that, she also had a strong grasp on stuff and is intelligent. I think you can pretty well understand with the get go.

Jun was more comfortable talking with Naori than he was with me.

[TL: the line kind of means like, (Jun was more comfortable talking with Naori than with me) + (Jun could talk more with Naori than with me) + (Jun and Naori could find a common ground more easily than He and I can) … I didn’t know how to put these all in the same line.]

Moreover, Jun, who hated to lose, worked hard to beat Naori not only in knowledge of books and movies, but also in studies. It wasn’t that he was bad in studies – or rather, Jun is better in studies than me, but somehow just fell short of a step behind Naori. He would stare at Naori’s face with this big smile, holding up her perfect score test with a look of real regret on his face.

And after a point in time, we started playing together less and less often. When I asked him why, he would just fake an excuse, but soon I found out the reason. It was because Jun got a perfect score on the next test. Yes, Jun had been studying.

After those elementary school days, Jun was definitely the better student now. After all, he was keeping his first rank ever since middle school. I wanted to say that this very aspect shows his nature of hating to lose …, but I know that there was another reason for this accomplishment. An incredibly frustrating reason so to say.

Anyway, that’s the reason why, Naori and my personality as well as the way of thinking did not match at all.

However, our preferences were similar. Or rather, we shared some very same inclinations during our childhood.

Our favorite sweets were the same, so we would fight over the last one piece, and our favorite clothes were the same, so we would often argue over which one was whose. So, the number of identical items increased by two. I guess we didn’t like the fact that the other had something different from me.

So when I was little, I had the same favorite food, the same favorite clothes, and the same favorite toys.

And also, the people I liked.

I don’t know when Naori started to look at Jun that way, or how it started.

But we are twin sisters. It didn’t take long for me to realize that even Naori liked Jun. At least, I think it was already before we became junior high school students.

As for me, when I became a junior high school student and my puberty started, I started to feel a little embarrassed and shy about talking to Jun, but Naori was chatting and laughing with Jun just like when we were kids.

I was jealous of that.

It was frustrating.

I also wanted to talk more with Jun.

I don’t know what the two of them did while I was absorbed in the club activities. Jun was enrolled in the archery club, so he went to club activities for a certain time, but Naori’s was more or less similar to the going-home club. And yet, I had seen two of them going home together after club activities. Not just once or twice. When I looked at the two of them walking together, it was somehow difficult to call out to them, and I could only see their backs from a distance, and sometimes even deliberately took the next train so that I could not get found out.

That was why, I ──

Even though I knew about Naori’s feelings, but, I decided to not notice it. I pretended that I never saw it all.

When I entered second grade, I was in the same class as Jun. In the first year, we were in different classes, so I didn’t have to think much about Jun at school.

But now that we were in the same class and started talking in class, I realized that she couldn’t take her eyes off of Jun at all. There was a part of me that hated the sight of Jun talking with another girl.

Then, during break time, I saw Naori appearing at Jun’s side again and again.

Oh, and Naori had been coming to Jun like this since the first year. I had no idea about that at all.

Naori started becoming good friends with Jun’s friends also. She was quickly creating her own place here.

It didn’t matter if I was rejected. I wanted him to be aware of me, even if it was just a little.

At some point, I began to think that way.

I decided to confess my feelings to Jun. No matter how it would end, I wanted to put an end to my feelings and worries once and for all. Maybe I just wanted to be at ease.

Till here, it was still better.

On the night of spring break before we became third year students, I called Jun out to a place. I took a shower, washed off the sweat from the club activities, fixed my hair, put on some natural color on my lip, put on some borderline cool clothes which will not indicate that I was too passionate regarding this, and sent him a message “I am going to the convenience store, so accompany me”

Even though I felt incredibly embarrassed and shy, we had this relationship that made it easy for me to ask such a favor. We were childhood friends after all, and moreover, we lived next door to each other.

When I was trying to send the message, I was terribly nervous. I still don’t know for just how long my finger was stuck above the send symbol/button. But I still remember how I sent the message while looking away from the screen due to pure fear.

How naive and cute I was back then.

I met up with Naori while she was taking a bath.

I didn’t feel comfortable leaving without telling her, so I asked her through the bathroom door, “I’m going to the convenience store, do you need anything?

Naori, who didn’t know anything, replied innocently, “Pudding, please!”

That innocent voice pierced the black ugly lump in my heart.

When I left the house, Jun was standing there with an annoyed look on his face.

That’s the kind of face that suits you most, ah really. To a terrible degree.

I was so nervous that I couldn’t remember what we had talked about or which path we took to reach the convenience store. When should I say it? How should I cut into this atmosphere and say it? Ahh, and with those thoughts still processing in my mind, we came in front of the convenience store, and then bought two puddings and a drink for the time being.

On the way home, I asked Jun, “Let’s visit that public park for the first time in this long time once again.”

Me, who had been missing out on the right moment to confess my feelings to Jun, I had made up my mind that today was the day I would say it — I will confess my feelings in this very park. It was a small park where I used to play when I was still a child. Even though it only had slides and swings as its game, it was big enough for kids to run around in and had a nice little pavilion built in it. Just like it used to be in the earlier days.

[TL note: here pavilion might mean that small structures we could see in anime, where kids go in and out, a common troupe where the girl would be seen taking shelter from the rain or crying alone after a heartbreak. Basically, a region of love development in this universe]

I thought this park of memories would be the perfect place for me to confess my feelings.

Even so……even though I decided to prepare myself, the moment I sat on the bench, I became uneasy and helpless, and became while contemplating and worried thought of ways with which I should cut these feelings through him. What should I do if I get rejected? Rather, I am sure he would of course reject me.

I’m not as cute as Naori.

Moreover, it seems that Jun likes Naori.

Yes, the biggest reason I could not say was because ── Jun seemed to like Naori.

When I was in the fifth grade or so, Jun started asking me about Naori every chance he got. He would often ask me, “How much do you study at home? ” or “What kind of books is Naori reading now? And so on. All he does is talk about Naori whenever he opens his mouth. This was the time when while he was busy looking at Naori as his rival his feelings got serious – and this doubt one day certainly became true.

He became something like, he seemed to be curious about Naori and couldn’t help but be curious about her no matter who ever saw him.

And still I decided to confess to him!

I don’t know how many times I pushed myself to say it.

And even when I decided to do so, I was helplessly scared about the thought of what would happen if he would refuse me.

And the loop goes again.

He became something like, he seemed to be curious about Naori and couldn’t help but be curious about her no matter who ever saw him.

And still I decided to confess to him!

I don’t know how many times I pushed myself to say it.

And even when I decided to do so, I was helplessly scared about the thought of what would happen if he would refuse me.

And the loop goes again.

Argh! What should I do? Is this how it felt with all those boys who confessed to me! To think that I was very composed at that time! I never thought I would feel an out-of-this world feeling. I just don’t understand. This was not the time to think about such topics, but── you guys are amazing. You’ve overcome something that requires so much courage.

Nope, don’t, don’t become weak. I can do it. I can definitely accomplish this.

… If I don’t say it here, I’ll regret it forever.

I can say it. Un, I’ll be just fine.

After a few loops, I readied my resolve.

I was the most nervous I’ve ever been in my life.

No matter how much I try acting cool, I was just a coward who just became embarrassed. It took all of me to confess my feelings, saying “Why don’t you try and go out with me?” although in a light-hearted tone. It took a lot of courage to say just that. The lines I had prepared in advance were already gone somewhere. I thought I was going to die. My heart was racing so fast that I got scared about whether Jun was able to hear me.

Silence. And then stillness.

“What happened to you all of a sudden?”

These were the words that finally came out of Jun’s mouth. There was a hint in those words saying that, even if she said such things, it was only troubling him. As if trying to say, don’t just bombard me with something like this, this sudden.

I wanted to say that I had always liked him.

But I couldn’t.

I was afraid of being serious.

“Since we’re going to be in 3rd year from April, don’t you also want to experience something like that before you go to high school? We don’t have exams ongoing right now, so don’t you think it’s a perfect time? How about going about it with a thought of trying it out?”

I’m that type of person who would go on to say “trial run” in the same breath when asking him to go out with me. I just couldn’t help but always confide my true feelings. I’ve made up my mind so much, but still, I just ran away. Waa.

[TL note: waa as a self-ridicule? Or perhaps kind of a dry laugh/cry]

Because I was afraid of that silence, I asked Jun again to not let him think too much about it.

“See, I have known Jun since childhood, so I will also be without a worry. We’ve known each other quite well too. Jun will also be just fine with me, wouldn’t you? Or do you dislike being with me to that degree?”

I was in such a hurry that I said something that made me sound just like any woman of convenience.

It’s not good. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m so pathetic. The more I think about that, the sadder I start becoming.

Of course, Jun is not the kind of person who would nod even if I said so. I know that better than anyone. But Jun is kind, and because of that kindness, he understood what I was trying to say there. Or so I thought later on.

No, it was not just my thought, but rather Jun was able to understand exactly what I meant. Because he stared at my face and asked me again properly, “Do you really wish to go out with me, Rumi?” asking me the very thing again, properly.

When Jun asked me that, I could finally nod and say “Un.” honestly.

“Understood. We can.”

That was the most joyful moment of my life. I can’t tell you how much I controlled my emotions when I wanted to scream while just saying “I will be in your care” to Jun. If I had been alone, I would have definitely screamed out loud.

Because, because ── my first love has finally come true!

And when I came home and told Naori about it, she said, “Now you have a boyfriend! Congratulations. Isn’t that a lot of emotions? Your first love came true” saying so, she congratulated me. However, in the depths of her eyes, she was not congratulating me. When I saw Naori’s face, I felt an ache in my heart, wondering how cruel I had been.

A guilt ── and a sense of superiority – came over me repeatedly.

I went back to my room and dashed myself on to the mattress with my head dumped inside it, recalling the past where I was with Jun, then seeing the pictures, and while having these delusions, all my guilt disappeared naturally.

I thought we were a perfect couple. I don’t know if I’d say it myself, but a bright girl who likes sports and a brilliant guy who is the top student in his grade are definitely a good match. Besides, although Jun may not realize it, there are a certain number of girls who are secretly in love with him. Whenever I heard such stories, I had mixed feelings of happiness and frustration. I wanted to go around and tell them that I had found him first.

But there was no need to say that anymore.

Because Jun is now my boyfriend.

Boyfriend ── and girlfriend.

The sweet sound of it made me feel so euphoric.

I was so excited that I even laughed all by myself, forgetting about Naori ── at first.

My own personal Jun.

The embarrassed look on his face that he would never show to Naori.

The voice that whispers gently in my ear, mixed with his breath.

The long, slender fingers that would support my head when I kiss him.

In those moments, Jun was the only one that was in my mind. There was no shadow of Naori anywhere.

That’s why I somehow forgot Naori’s sad face. No, I was just trying to forget it.

At first, I was very careful not to talk about Jun in front of Naori, but then I started to want to tell someone about the date we went on together as soon as possible, and so, I started to report them to Naori. Arguing with myself saying that, there was no point in being shy about it now.

She would always accompany me with her usual self, but now that I think about it, I was just a moron.

In order to not drown in my guilt, I started to justify what I had done, saying that it was Naori’s fault for not speaking up her feelings properly, and that because she was too confused and slow she got him taken away ── Seriously, that was disgusting.

I’m a bad Elder-Sister. I’m really a disgusting Elder-Sister. I’m a mean and cruel Elder-Sister.

I’m not even worth being an Elder-Sister.

That’s why.

Because I’m such a nasty sister.

I couldn’t take myself anymore, and broke up with Jun. Exactly on our one-year anniversary I broke up my relationship with him truly and surely.

And then, I forced Naori with Jun.

In order to hide my ugliness. In order to atone for my sins.

My first love at that time was faintly sparkling, but now it’s sludgy and messy, and no matter how much I polish it, it won’t shine ever again. It’s still lying dirty in that stagnant pond deep within my heart.

—-End of the first Prologue