File 03 - Our Last Crusade or Lilfe in a Flower Garden of Women
“Iska, I think I’ll stay in your room starting today.”
“……Come again?”
“It’ll be fine—rest assured I’ll bring my own change of clothes and toothbrush and cup. Yay! I’m so looking forward to this!”
“What’s happening here?!”
And that was how Iska’s holiday started, first thing in the morning, when Nene made her announcement.
The war between the two world superpowers…
The Empire that Iska and his companions were part of were in an ongoing, century-long conflict with the Paradise of Witches, the Nebulis Sovereignty.
And this was a regular day in the life of the Imperial forces.
“Ah! Hey, Iska, did you hear about that thing?”
“What thing?”
Nene ran over to Iska as he walked through the military base. She was a charming soldier with a slim figure who wore her red hair in a ponytail.
“You know! The base expansion plan. They’re remodeling the barracks we live in.”
“Of course I’ve heard. What about it?”
“It’s awful! They’re renovating the women’s barracks first, but they’re going to replace all the walls and floors with this new flame-resistant material, so we’re all being thrown out of our rooms.” She sighed and her shoulders drooped. “They told all the soldiers that we need to pack up our things and find somewhere else to live during construction. So there’s been a huge uproar about it.”
“That came from headquarters, didn’t it? I got the notice, too.”
Iska wasn’t entirely unaffected. Once the women’s barracks were done, they’d do the men’s, so he was in the middle of cleaning up his room.
“But I heard the compensation isn’t bad. You can stay at an Imperial hotel during that time.”
“Yeah, that’s true, but…,” Nene said hesitantly. For some reason, her face was red as she gave him a pleading look. “Iska, I think I’ll stay in your room starting today.”
“……Come again?” He doubted he heard her correctly. The conversation was moving so quickly that he had no idea how to even respond.
“It’ll be fine—rest assured, I’ll bring my own change of clothes and toothbrush and cup. Yay! I’m so looking forward to this!”
“Wait! What’s happening?! None of this is making any sense!”
Headquarters was covering the cost of staying in hotel rooms while the women’s barracks were being renovated. Nene shouldn’t have had any issues.
“Why my room? You’re a girl… It’s going to be hard to sneak you into the men’s barracks.”
“I don’t mind,” Nene said.
“But other people will! And my room isn’t that big in the first place, so it’ll be a hundred times better for you at a hotel.”
“So, about that…” Nene looked around. Apparently the next part was something she couldn’t have others hearing. “I just got the hotel stipend. From headquarters.”
“It’s a lot, isn’t it? I heard they pay for a week of hotel expenses and food.”
Living in a hotel wasn’t cheap. They wouldn’t be able to use the dining hall at the barracks, so they’d likely have to eat at the expensive restaurant within the hotel, hence why headquarters was giving them the money for those expenses. They shouldn’t have any trouble at all.
“That’s why I want to stay in your room.”
“Like I said, I don’t understand!”
She was being compensated for the hotel expenses. So why was Nene hounding him about staying in his room?
“Nene, explain.”
“Basically, while we’re out of the barracks, we need to live off of the stipend, but we don’t have to return the leftover money. Which means…”
“Yes?”
“If I stay in your room, then I’d be able to save on hotel costs. Then the stipend would be for me to spend however I want!”
“That’s underhanded!”
“No, it’s not!” Nene proudly thrust out her chest. “Other women are staying at their friend’s places or with relatives, too. We all want to use that money for ourselves or to go on trips.”
“…Wow, they’re invested.”
Though they’d been given a stipend, they hadn’t been told where to stay.
That’s basically what Nene was saying. It was just clever enough that headquarters would probably let it slide. The ingenuity of the female soldiers was nothing to scoff at.
“But the men’s barracks is…”
“They won’t find me in your room. And we stayed in the same tent during training. There shouldn’t be any issues.”
“So that’s your reasoning, then…”
Iska and Nene were part of the same unit, so they’d stayed in the same tent before.
“Please?” Nene pleaded, looking up at him with her adorable puppy-dog eyes.
They both stared at each other in silence.
Iska was the first one to break it.
“…All right, I give in. Just this once.”
“Yay! Thank you, Iska! I’ll bring my stuff right away!”
After leaping in joy, Nene took off down the hall.
Commander Mismis, his superior, appeared afterward.
“Ah! There you are, Iska.”
Though she was short and only reached up to Iska’s chest, she was actually a full-grown adult. She was also an Imperial commander having experienced many battles.
“Nene and I won’t be able to live in our rooms because of the construction. Did you know we’ll need to live in a hotel for a week?”
“Right…”
“Let me stay in your room?”
“You can’t be serious?! What are you saying, Commander? You could enjoy staying at a hotel!”
He immediately questioned her, but she wasn’t backing down.
“This is an order from your superior officer. Starting today, your room will be Unit 907’s base of operations.”
“What kind of order is that?!…All right, I’ll bite. Why are you doing this?”
“Well, a hotel wouldn’t be on the base,” Commander Mismis breezily replied. “Even the closest one would force us to walk from the business district. I don’t think that’d be any good, now would it?”
Beyond the window, Commander Mismis pointed in the direction of the business district.
“As part of Special Division III, we’re supposed to be emergency personnel. Our role is to gather faster than anyone else if the war against the Nebulis Sovereignty expands in scope. In which case, as Imperial force members, we should stay in your room rather than in a far-off hotel!”
“What?!”
He sure hadn’t thought of that. Out of all the ridiculous things he could have imagined Mismis saying, Iska never would have expected her to go for that angle.
“I’m so impressed, Commander Mismis! I was convinced that you’d say you just wanted to keep the hotel money like Nene…”
“Well, there’s that, too.”
“What?! Then you really are just in it for the money!”
“Hang on, Iska!” Commander Mismis held out her hand, forcing him to stop. “Not so fast. Just like I told you, my goal is respectable and strategic. Getting the hotel money to spend for myself is just a bonus.”
“Then you can stay in my room, but will you give back the hotel money to headquarters?”
“No way.”
“Then you really are after the money!”
“Come on, Iska, what’s wrong with that?”
Then the commander took his hand and started walking to the men’s barracks.
“Nene’s staying in your room already anyway.”
“How did you find that out?!”
Now Iska was flustered. Though Nene and Mismis were in the same unit as he was, he’d have a huge problem on his hands if anyone found out there were women in his room. The whole thing was supposed to have been between him and Nene.
“Nene told me.”
“Nene!”
“Say, Iska, you wouldn’t invite Nene to your room but not your own commander, would you?”
Mismis wore a confident smile that said she wouldn’t take any arguments as she slowly drew closer to him.
“Or do you mean you two have that kind of relationship?”
“We don’t!”
“All right, then. It’s settled!”
“……Fine.”
An hour later…
Commander Mismis and Nene showed up to Iska’s room, large travel bags in tow.
“Yay! It’s been a while since I’ve been in your room, Iska.”
“I’ve visited a few times, but this is my first time staying the night.”
They were sleeping over at the men’s barracks. The unusual state of affairs had made the two women excited—they were almost treating this like a school trip.
“Let’s see. As a commander, I should also check in on my subordinates’ private lives. Let me see the inside of your fridge first… Wow, looks like you even cook for yourself.”
“Commander, let’s check his bed, too.”
“Nene, we save the best for last. Let’s start with the bath.”
“What are you two doing?!”
They opened the fridge and closet, then systematically inspected the books on his shelf. They both even headed to his bathroom together, their eyes gleaming as they looked around.
“Hmm, your reaction seems…,” Nene started to say.
“Suspicious,” Mismis finished for her. “He seems fishy, Nene. He must be hiding something.”
“You two are the shady ones here! Why are you combing through my room like you’re spies?!”
Iska wasn’t worried about anything they’d find—or he wanted to believe he wasn’t. Then again, with two women searching his place this thoroughly, he couldn’t help but feel nervous.
“…Would you like some tea? You two can rest in the living room.”
“Okaaay!”
“Sounds great. I’ll make myself at home.”
The two of them flopped down onto the living room floor.
“Um…”
“What is it, Iska?”
“Oh, nothing, Commander. You just settle in, then…”
He had told them to relax, but he hadn’t told them to lie down. He even almost started to comment on it but managed to stop himself. He had a bad feeling about this. Was this even his room anymore?
“Oh…right, I wanted to ask you two—why my room? You could have picked Jhin’s. He also lives in the men’s barracks.”
Unit 907 consisted of four members. There was Commander Mismis, Nene who was in charge of their communications, and Iska. The final member was Jhin, their sniper, but the two women didn’t seem to have any intention of imposing on him.
“……Hm. You know how it is, right, Nene?”
“Yeah, Jhin can be a bit…,” she trailed off. The two shared a look.
“Well, I mean, Jhin is super particular. Everything was so clean when I went over to his place. I was shocked. There wasn’t a speck of dust around.”
“That’s right. His room is even cleaner than most of the girls’ rooms. It’d be a little, well, stressful, for us to live there, right?” Nene lounged on the floor as she said this. “We prefer your room. Considering the state of yours, unlike Jhin, you probably wouldn’t get mad at us if we didn’t clean for three days. Right, Commander?”
“That’s right. I think you wouldn’t mind if we got your room a little messy.” Commander Mismis was also lying about on the floor next to Nene. “I bet you’d be okay if we accidentally knocked beer cans over or spilled stuff on the floor. We could probably leave crumbs around, too.”
“No way would I be okay with that!”
“Then what about leaving our pajamas on the ground?”
“That would be embarrassing for you, so please don’t!”
Even if Mismis was his superior officer, this was still Iska’s room. This was his home—his guests ought to be abiding by his rules.
“Look, you two. While you’re staying with me, you need to have some self-control—”
Ker-chak.
Just at that moment, the locked door was forced open from outside.
“Heeey! Mismis, Nene, Isk. Been a while since I saw you three.”
“Ms. Risya?!”
“Don’t mind me.”
A giant suitcase thudded down at the entryway when Risya—a bespectacled woman and one of the military’s higher-ups—sauntered into the room as though it were her own.
She was the Lord’s staff officer. Though she should have been far out of their reach since she was in the upper echelons of the military, she’d been friends with Mismis since they’d attended military school together.
“Oh, Isk. I’ll have tea too, please. Three teaspoons of milk with three grams of sugar. And ninety degrees would be great, but I won’t quibble.”
“Make it yourself!”
“Oh, what trouble I’m in. Aren’t you curious about why I’ve come all the way here?”
“…” Iska flicked his eyes toward suitcase Risya had brought with her. He had a bad feeling about this.
It seemed like she was there for the same reason as Commander Mismis and Nene.
“I’m not curious at all. So please don’t explain and go straight home.”
“Were you aware the women’s barracks are under construction?”
“…I’d really rather not know.”
“Now, now, Isk. Weren’t you once a fellow Saint Disciple? Won’t you let me rant about work?”
Risya made herself at home sitting cross-legged right on the floor. After seeing that, Commander Mismis suddenly got up.
“Huh? But you’re one of the higher-ups, Risya. You don’t live in the women’s barracks, do you? You shouldn’t have been driven out.”
“I shouldn’t have, but the construction noise is just so loud.”
Risya sipped at the tea Iska had poured her. He hadn’t actually checked the temperature of the tea or added milk or sugar, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“I’m in management, so I don’t live in the barracks, but the noise was so loud that I couldn’t sleep yesterday. My skin has been terrible, and the stress is really getting to me. Say, Isk, do you have any snacks to go with this tea? Maybe some cookies?”
“This isn’t a café, you know!”
“Anyway, I don’t live in the barracks, which means they won’t give me a hotel stipend. I’d need to pay my own way…but then I came up with a solution!” Risya pointed at the suitcase. “I could stay with Mismis at the hotel she was in! But then she told me she would be in your room, Isk.”
“There’s no way.”
“I haven’t even said anything yet.”
“You basically have, though!”
He knew Risya had to have packed everything she needed for an overnight stay into that suitcase.
“My room is cramped enough already with Commander Mismis and Nene here.”
“You’re fine with it, right, Mismis?”
“Sure.”
“What about my opinion? You should value the opinions of your subordinates, too!”
“My subordinates, huh. Nene, what do you think?”
“It’s fine.”
“But what about mine?!”
It was three against one.
After the three women had invaded his room like a storm, Iska found his personal space under military occupation.
Thus, a girls gathering commenced during the sleepover.
“Living in Iska’s room is a little dreary now that I’m here.” Commander Mismis looked around the sunlit room.
It was a studio. The living room was somewhat spacious, but because it also contained Iska’s bed, bookshelf, and other furniture, it felt more cramped.
“Well, it is the men’s barracks.”
“That’s not what I mean. Iska, this place isn’t decorative enough!” Commander Mismis said as she got up. Or rather, she started to rifle through the bag she had brought along.
“It’s in desperate need of stuffed animals.”
Thump, she placed a huge plush dog in the center of the room.
“See, adorable.”
“What are you doing?! Commander, the living room is just going to feel even smaller—” But while Iska was protesting, the other two women started doing their own redecorating.
“I’d personally go for some flowers. And this place just won’t be complete without a large-screen TV,” Nene said while arranging vases and flower arrangements on the shelves. She also placed a TV that had evidently come from her own room onto the wall.
“Then I suppose I’ll set up an automatic massager and a treadmill.” Risya had produced a full treadmill, along with an automated massage machine.
“Mismis, what do you think of changing this wallpaper?”
“I think a floral one would be nice.”
“Say, Commander, could I put a humidifier here?”
“Sure.”
“What about what I want?! You three—listen to me!”
Though Iska shouted, it was all in vain as his room was transformed into an oasis of cuteness and femininity, complete with stuffed animals and the smell of sweet perfume. “Oh, my room…”
Unsurprisingly, moving around the living room was quite difficult with three women’s worth of stuff in the way.
“Huh? I don’t think I have anywhere to sit.”
“Commander, over here, over here. Iska’s bed is free,” Nene said.
“Isk, another cup of tea, if you please.”
“…I can’t even get to the kitchen from here.”
Iska was sitting on the floor and the other three—Commander Mismis, Nene, and Risya—were all cozied up to one another on top of his bed.
“Hm. It’s three o’clock, right? It’s too early to prep for dinner, so how about the four of us play a game? I brought one over.” Risya pointed at her suitcase from where she was on the bed. “Isk, would you open up my suitcase? There should be a card game on the very top.”
“Are you sure about this? I don’t feel very good about looking through a woman’s luggage.”
“If you see something, then I suppose you’ll need to do the responsible thing.”
“Which is what, exactly…? Oh, is this it? You mean this Sheep and Wolf game?”
“That’s it.”
Once Risya took the pack of cards from him, and she started to hand out cards to the four of them.
“Make sure no one else sees your cards. It’s kind of a deduction game. We’re all adorable sheep, but one of us has a wolf card.”
Flinch! After all of them had their cards, they all looked at each other.
“The sheep need to work together to not get eaten by the wolf. Each turn, you can use cards like ‘hunter’ or ‘divination’ to figure out who the wolf is.” Risya pulled out a rulebook and opened it on the bed. “The wolf uses their villager or parent sheep card to trick the others. After three turns, we choose the most suspicious person and shoot the wolf.”
“We shoot them?!” Commander Mismis’s voice quivered. “Really, Risya?!”
“It’s just a game. And, if you catch the wolf, then the sheep win. If you get it wrong, then the wolf wins. Simple, right?”
“Commander Mismis,” came a whisper. Nene, who had been silent until that moment, had a glint in her eye. “You seem suspicious.”
“What?”
“Yeah, it was really fishy that you shrieked just now. Almost like a real wolf.”
“Wh-what are you saying, Nene?” As her cherubic face paled, Commander Mismis leaped up. “I’m not the wolf! There’s no way everyone’s cute, kind commander would eat sheep. Right?!”
“…”
“Nene?”
“I was watching everyone’s faces carefully when we got our cards.”
All four of them gripped their cards. Nene had watched their reactions from the moment they’d gotten them.
“I saw it! Commander Mismis made a face when she got her cards!”
“I—I did not! Nene, you have to believe me, I’m—”
“Okay, okay, you two calm down now.” Risya’s lips had curled into a grin as the two quickly became restless. “Nene has a point, and it’s not as though we’ve determined Mismis is the wolf yet. We’ll find that out through playing the game. Oh, right. I’ve thought of a wonderful idea.”
“Ms. Risya, you have a nasty look on your face.”
“What are you trying to imply, Isk? My heart is as clear as crystal,” Risya responded with a wink as she stared at Mismis.
“Whoever loses should be in charge of making dinner. If the three sheep guess the wolf’s identity right, then they win. If they don’t, then the wolf wins. What do you think, Mismis?”
“Why are you smiling while staring at me, Risya…?”
“Oh, no reason. We have no idea who the wolf is, after all. Right, wolf…oops, didn’t mean to say that— Right, Mismis?”
“Was that on purpose?! You definitely said that to me on purpose!” Commander Mismis turned pale. Her hands shook as she held the cards, her distress as plain as day.
“Now let’s start this game!”
With that, the game of Sheep and Wolf got underway. The deduction part of the game, however, had already started long ago. That was because everyone had already assumed that Mismis was the wolf.
“It’s my turn! I’m using my hunter on Commander Mismis. By playing this card, whoever I point to has to confess if they’re the wolf!”
“Nene?!”
“Well, you’ve got to be the wolf. I’m positive. So, are you?”
“…Urgh.”
When Nene thrust the hunter card at her, Commander Mismis faltered. “I—I’m not the wolf!”
“……What?”
“There’s no way?!”
Nene was shocked. But that could only mean…
“I know! The commander must have the villager card, then. So even if we use the hunter card on her, she can still lie. Isn’t that right, Ms. Risya?”
“Right…We’ll first need to steal the villager card from Mismis’s hand.”
“That’s so mean!”
“It’s my turn,” Iska said. “I use my ‘divination’ card on Commander Mismis.”
“Even you, Iska?!”
Nene, Risya, and Iska had all decided to launch a coordinated attack on Commander Mismis, but the persistent interrogation they subjected her to failed to produce any definite results in the three turns they had.
“Y-you see now…I’m not the big bad wolf!” Commander Mismis put a hand to her chest as she panted, her breaths ragged. “I’m not the wolf! I’m everyone’s kind commander. I’m a harmless sheep. You have to believe me!”
Then came time for the wolf voting round. The four would vote for and shoot whoever they thought was the wolf.
It was the moment of truth.
“Commander Mismis.” (Iska.)
“Commander Mismis.” (Nene.)
“Mismis.” (Risya.)
“Why?!”
Despite Commander Mismis’s pleas, the majority had decided to shoot her (in the game).
“Urgh. You have no faith in me…”
“C’mon, Commander, hurry up and show your cards. Your wolf card—huh?!”
The moment she flipped over Mismis’s cards, Nene cried out in surprise. “N-no way?! Commander Mismis did have a sheep card! Did we just shoot a fellow sheep?”
“No way?! Then the real wolf…it couldn’t be?!”
“…It was actually me all along.”
Iska, of all people, revealed his wolf card.
“It was you, Iska?!”
“Isk?! What? Then why was Mismis so shaken earlier?”
Nene and Risya were dumbfounded. Iska being the wolf came as much more of a shock than Mismis.
“Commander Mismis, why were you so shaken up?”
“That’s right. Your hands were trembling.”
“…I’m terrible at games, so I get nervous right away.”
“That’s so misleading!”
“I’m sorry!” When Nene and Risya began to pressure her, Mismis let out a wail.
“Looks like I win.”
“Ugh…oh well.”
“Let’s go prep dinner.”
The three girls headed to the dining area. Though they’d lost the game, the three of them looked winning in their aprons. Commander Mismis wore a kid’s apron with cat appliqués. Nene had one on that was frilly, very fashionable and cute. Risya wore a black, genuine cook’s apron that looked like it had come straight from a high-class gastronomy restaurant.
“You’re so lucky, Isk. I can’t believe someone in the Imperial forces’ management like me is cooking for you.”
“Ms. Risya, can you cook?”
“Just you watch. I’ll show you the newest Imperial gourmet food trends.”
The three women headed into the kitchen. As Iska watched them from the living room, the three carried on a lively conversation.
“So, can you really cook, Risya? I remember you were always eating a lunch box from the supermarket in my room.”
“Heh-heh. When you’re a genius like me, you can become a pro at anything with a little practice. I am especially good at taste-testing.”
“…Taste-testing?”
“I’m also excellent at setting out plates and looking up recipes.”
“None of those skills are useful!”
“Oh, that’s not true. I’ll set out the plates, you’ll cook, Mismis. It’d be a wonderful team effo… Oh…”
Crash.
The sound of a breaking plate reached Iska’s ears. He was waiting in the living room.
“Wait, Risya?!”
“Oh no. I broke Isk’s large plate. This only happened because you distracted me with your chatter, Mismis.”
“You’re blaming it on me?!”
“I guess it’s fine. Isk will never notice one missing plate.”
But I will, Iska thought. Since he was a bachelor living alone, he only had a few large plates. It’d be very noticeable if he lost one of those.
“Oh……”
Crash, crash. The tragedy played out yet again. He heard another plate breaking in the dining area.
“Oh, Mismis…”
“N-no, wait?! I normally don’t handle plates this big… Do you think Iska will notice all his large plates in his kitchen are gone?”
I will.
Why were they so convinced that the shattering wouldn’t reach him in the living room? Even while Iska was thinking that, the three were continuing to whisper.
“…He won’t notice, right?”
“It’ll be fine. Iska is less observant than you’d think sometimes.”
“It’ll be okay, like I said. I’ll just leave two autograph boards in place of the two broken plates. He’ll love it.”
“No, he won’t!”
Things were going in a dangerous direction, Iska realized, so he quickly stood up from his seat on the floor.
“You three! I overheard the things you were saying, along with some suspicious noises.”
“I-Iska?!”
“You noticed?! No, Iska, you can’t come in here yet!”
“Isk, leave this to us—”
He headed right into the dining area where they were.
Then Iska saw it. Needless to say, there were some shattered plates on the ground, but most importantly, he saw what all of them were holding.
“…What’s that stuff?”
A bag of consommé soup powder. (Risya.)
A pouch of instant curry sauce. (Nene)
A can of peaches. (Commander Mismis.)
All three lovely young women were holding packages of premade food.
“…Iska.”
Suddenly, Nene teared up.
“It looks like you’ve made a terrible discovery about us, Iska…” Nene said.
“Nene?”
“I was going to heat this instant curry pouch up in hot water, then put it on a plate and tell you that I’d made it by hand…”
Nene looked upset. Next to her, Risya and Mismis were equally distraught.
“I was planning on telling you I spent three hours making a deluxe consommé, too…”
“I was going to say these peaches came fresh from a farm instead of from a can…”
“You can only take a lie so far!” Iska yelled and pointed at the three women’s hands. “Why are you all doing this?! Ms. Risya aside, I know you two can cook!”
All Imperial force members could prepare food for themselves. Even during harsh training drills, they needed warm, fortifying meals.
“Can’t the three of you…cook…?”
“What? Well…”
All of them wriggled bashfully. Nene spoke up on behalf of the other two women. “When we came by to stay here, we didn’t bring cooking knives or anything. I brought regular eating utensils, but…”
“So you assumed you wouldn’t be cooking?!”
Incidentally, Iska only owned a single cooking knife. Even though the three of them had gone into the kitchen at the same time, only one would have been able to get anything done.
“So we were thinking it’d be best to stick with meals that wouldn’t require a knife.”
“…You know…I don’t think every woman needs to know how to cook, but this seems pretty bad.”
They had an impromptu meeting about dinner at that point. All four concluded that barbecue would be their best bet, as they’d only have to grill the meat.
Iska went to work picking up the shards of the broken plates. Mismis lugged a military-use gas stove from the women’s barracks. And Nene and Risya headed out to buy food.
“The wait’s over!” Nene carried a barbecue set in a plastic bag from the supermarket.
Commander Mismis’s eyes glittered the moment she laid eyes on it.
“What’s this, Nene?!” she asked.
Mismis, who was generally acknowledged to be the house barbecue connoisseur, looked at the meat with wide eyes. Nene had bought high-grade cuts you didn’t see every day.
“They glisten so beautifully! This is definitely the elusive, high-grade A5 meat. Supermarkets in the Imperial capital have trouble getting it, and when they can find some, it’s usually too expensive to afford…Nene, how did you get this?!”
“Hm? Oh, it’s my treat,” Risya nonchalantly said. She was pulling cans of alcohol out of her plastic bag. “It’s a barbecue party, so I figured we might as well go all out.”
“But wasn’t it expensive?”
“It’ll be fine. I’ll just claim it as an expense with headquarters.” The Imperial forces higher-up had casually made a bombshell statement. “See, Mismis, even the sauce is high-grade. What do you think?”
“This is wonderful, Risya!”
“Hee-hee. I suppose it is. Once you’re at my level, getting expenditures approved is easy.”
Commander Mismis hugged Risya, and she didn’t seem all too displeased by the attention.
“…I’ll face disciplinary measures if I get caught, though.”
“What?! Whatever you whispered just now sounded super ominous, Ms. Risya!”
“Ah-ha-ha! You’re such a worrywart, Isk. It’ll be A-OK. Worst case, I’d just tell headquarters that His Excellency ordered us to have a barbecue, and they’d immediately clam up.”
“I worry for the people in headquarters who have to keep quiet for you!”
“All right, everyone!” Risya raised a beer can. “Since this is the start of our super-luxurious barbecue party, we’ve got to do a toast!”
Mismis and Risya each held a can of beer. Iska and Nene were underage, so they had nonalcoholic drinks…though that lasted for all but a minute before the three women stared intently at the grill.
“Here, Iska, I grilled this for you,” Mismis said.
She used specialized barbecuing tongs to deftly prepare the meat. She was obviously no amateur at this and could have easily put a professional to shame.
“Commander, did I have tongs like this in my kitchen?”
“No, these are mine.”
She had several sparkling ones lined up on the tabletop.
“You really have to bring your own pillow, toothbrush, and tongs with you wherever you go.”
“…Is it really comparable to a pillow and toothbrush?”
“Not at all. Tongs are more important.”
“How?! And who brings tongs but not a kitchen knife?!”
Mismis never stopped working as they conversed. In fact, she did an excellent job as grillmaster, keeping in mind everyone’s preferences for how they liked their meat done. She even kept up with them as they ate. She handled everything perfectly and gracefully.
“…Commander, I think you could work at a barbecue restaurant.”
“Oh, I actually have, part-time.”
“You did for real?!”
“I once waited outside the shop of a barbecuer who was famous for not taking apprentices three days and three nights in the snow begging for him to take me on.”
“Sounds like you were more serious about that than your military training…”
“On the last night, I collapsed from hunger and hypothermia, so he finally accepted me as an apprentice. I still remember all the secret techniques he taught me from that time.”
“You actually were an apprentice?! I really want to know about the secret techniques, but that somehow feels like I’d be making a concession!”
Iska had never heard about any of this before. This had likely all happened in her military academy days before she’d officially joined as a commander.
“Nene, did you know about this?”
“Of course.” The redhead sipped at her drink. “Commander Mismis went to the zoo and hit an elephant with a biscuit…and then the elephant went to war with the cats.”
“Huh?”
“Uhh? Iska, why’re you spinning so much…?”
From Iska’s point of view, it was Nene who was swaying. She was red in the face and giggling, and she wasn’t very coherent either.
“Say, Iska, this drink tastes kind of funny…”
“Wait, that’s not beer, is it?!”
Instead of juice, Nene was holding the beer can that was next to Risya.
“Ha-ha…I feel kind of warm. Am I gonna turn into a star?”
“I have no idea what you’re even talking about. Nene, keep it together.”
“Bwop!”
“Nene?!”
She had fallen right over, her eyes unfocused. Though she wasn’t her usual self, she had on the most blissful smile as she lay there.
“Ms. Risya, did you accidentally pick up Nene’s drink?”
“Hm? Hold on, Isk, I’m a little busy pouring Mismis a beer.”
“Wait, that’s not what’s important here—Ms. Risya?!”
Iska’s eyes went wide when he saw the scene in front of him. Risya wasn’t holding a can of beer, but instead the high-grade barbecue sauce. And she was pouring it into an empty glass.
“Wait, Ms. Risya…”
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“You’re drunk too?!”
She continued to laugh and pour the sauce. It was then that Iska had a shocking revelation. Risya, considered the most intelligent person in the Imperial forces, became a total mess when she was drunk.
“There, Mismis, here’s your beer.”
It was clearly barbecue sauce. The dark brown liquid was a far cry from the amber color of beer, but alas, Iska was the only person who noticed.
“Hm?” Commander Mismis inspected the glass. She looked somewhat drowsy.
“Wait, Commander Mismis…”
“Gulp.”
“You actually drank it?! When did you even get drunk, Commander Mismis?! No, you can’t! You’ll get sick if you drink that!”
“This beer tastes kind of funny, doesn’t it?”
“Because it’s not beer! It’s super-concentrated barbecue sauce!”
But he was too late—when it came to everything. It seemed Mismis and Risya both had low alcohol tolerance.
“Oh, looks like your glass is empty too, Risya. I’ll pour you more.”
“Like I said, Commander, that’s the sauc—”
Flop. Right as Iska was saying that, something made of fabric fell onto his head.
“Uh…a jacket?”
“Hmm…The barbecuing is making me feel kind of warm.” Risya had taken off her jacket and was now in just her shirt. And—right before Iska’s very eyes—she was slowly starting to unbutton that as well…
“Let’s strip!”
“No! Ms. Risya, you need to come back to your senses! What happened to your usual intelligent self?!”
“Ah-ha-ha-ha. What are you saying, chocolate waffle? I’m always very intelligent.”
“Is my name Chocolate Waffle now?!”
Risya had already undone her fourth button. Though she was slim, her breasts were exposed in all their glamour, so Iska had no choice but to look away.
“Ms. Risya, your jacket…!”
“Oh, Iska, how could you ogle at Ms. Risya like that?”
He heard Nene’s voice come from behind him. Before he could even turn around, Nene had latched onto his back while still on the ground.
“Nene?!”
“Hee-hee. You’re so cute, Iska.”
Nene wore a giant smile as she kept a tight hold on him. It seemed she hadn’t sobered up yet, since she was still red in the face.
“I guess this is better than Ms. Risya trying to strip…”
“Heeey, how about we do a staring contest? If you laugh, you lose! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah!”
“We haven’t even started and you’re already laughing!”
Risya stripped when drunk. Nene apparently was a happy drunk. And then…
“My stuffed animal!”
“I’m not your stuffed animal!”
This time Mismis latched onto Iska’s arm.
“Uh-whaaa? Was my body pillow always this hard?”
“Please don’t mistake me for one.”
“Zzz…”
“Wait, are you really falling asleep?! Don’t use my arm as a pillow! Agh! Everyone, please come back to your senses!”
But Iska’s pleading was in vain.
“Time to start the pillow fight!”
Risya, her shirt still wide open, had grabbed Mismis’s stuffed animal and gotten to her feet.
“Oh, Riiisya, that’s mine—”
With a loud thwump, Mismis was struck in the face. Risya had been the one to throw the stuffed animal, of course.
“…”
“C-Commander? Are you okay?”
“Now you’ve done it!”
Commander Mismis grinned as she stood up. She threw the stuffed animal right back at Risya.
“Take that!”
However, she was so unsteady that she hadn’t been able to aim well. The stuffed animal sailed through the air—in a completely different direction from Risya—and hit the wall of the living room.
She’d lobbed it right at the emergency alarm. Each Imperial forces room had an emergency switch, and Mismis had the one in Iska’s.
“Oh……”
“I won!”
The instant after Mismis shouted in glee, the alarm went off.
“Emergency! An emergency has occurred!”
The siren wailed. Iska’s room was bathed in red light, making it as obvious as could be that his room was the origin of the supposed problem.
“Oh noooo!”
“What’s the emergency?”
“This only happened because of the stuffed animal you threw, Commander!”
“…Zzz.”
“You fell back asleep?! Urgh…we—we need to stop the alarm!”
This was the forces’ barracks, so armed soldiers were sure to come running over in mere minutes.
“Stop the notification system—”
“Ah-ha-ha, this is so fun, Iska,” Nene said.
“Nene?! W-wait! Please! We need to fix this situation first!”
Nene, the happy drunk that she was, had chosen then to latch onto Iska’s arm as well, and she wasn’t letting go.
“Nuh-uh! You’re mine!”
“Oh my. That looks like fun, Isk. I’d like to join in, too.”
Now even Risya was holding on to him from behind. He was only a few centimeters shy of the switch, if he stretched his arms. He was just a finger’s length away…
“Let go of me, you two!”
“Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“Your back is so warm, Isk!”
Then someone kicked down his door. The armed emergency response squad had just arrived.
“Did the alarm come from here?!”
“We’re here now, so you’re safe. There’s nothing to—”
The soldiers were also carrying guns. And what they witnessed in Iska’s room were the three merry women acting very unladylike.
“…”
There was Risya, who had taken off her jacket and unbuttoned most of her shirt, then Nene, who was laughing and rolling around on the floor. Even Commander Mismis had removed her jacket at some point, too.
“…”
This was awkward.
Iska suspected the armed soldiers had made some unfortunate assumption about the scene before them.
“I-it’s not what it looks like. We just…” Iska waved his hands around desperately, but the soldiers had no mercy.
“Inform HQ that we’ve secured three women and have apprehended a suspect.”
“A suspect? Do you mean me?!”
“You’ll be coming with us on charges of sexual misconduct.”
“I haven’t done anything!”
Incident report.
Imperial soldier Iska
Investigated by Imperial headquarters on suspicion of sexual misconduct and abducting three women in his room.
Note: Suspect has denied all charges.
Meanwhile, in another land…in the Paradise of Witches, the Nebulis Sovereignty’s palace…
“…”
“Uh, um, Lady Alice…?”
Rin felt in her bones that her beloved lady, Alice, was in a terrible mood. The attendant peered at Alice’s face to check on her.
“…What is the meaning of this?”
Aliceliese Lou Nebulis was a beautiful girl with bright golden hair…but at that moment, she looked grim.
“Rin, this incident report is from yesterday, isn’t it?”
“Y-yes.”
“Do you believe the Imperial soldier Iska in this report is the same Iska?”
“…It’s very likely.”
“I see.”
Alice was silently fuming.
She wasn’t taking out her frustrations on Rin, of course, but her attendant could feel some of it sneaking into the edges of her voice.
“Rin, what do you make of this?”
“Uh, uhh…”
She didn’t know how to respond.
The Imperial swordsman Iska was their enemy—not to mention Alice’s greatest foe. As far as Rin was concerned, she hoped the investigation would last forever.
“Are you telling me that Iska is a pervert? That’s unbelievable. He would never!”
Alice, on the other hand, saw things differently. She seemed outraged at the Empire for their silly charges against her dear rival.
“What do you think, Rin?”
“R-right…um…”
She hoped that he’d remain in custody—but if she said this, she knew Alice would turn on her.
“I would like to state that the Imperial swordsman is an enemy of our country…but I doubt he would do anything that would go against human morals.”
“Yes, exactly!” Alice balled her hands into fists. “I smell a plot!”
“A plot?”
“Iska would never do anything so perverse. Something must have disrupted the Empire’s internal state of affairs. Someone must be trying to frame him. That has to be it!”
“Uh-huh…”
“Rin, prepare the bail money to free Iska posthaste!”
“What?! You’re going to help the enemy?!”
“Yes, and I’m doing this because he’s the enemy.”
Alice’s resolve was firm.
“I can’t stand by as the person I need to settle things with on the battlefield is held on charges of sexual misconduct. I mean—”
She turned to the window, staring to the south, straight at where the Imperial territory would be.
“Iska would never spurn me and lay a hand on another woman!”
“Someone’s going to get things all wrong if you put it like that!”
“But he’s my rival.”
Alice was the very image of seriousness. Then again, Rin was right about Alice’s choice of words.
“Iska and I are tied by the fate of the stars (for a rematch)!”
“And now you make it sound like you’re an actual couple!”
“Anyway! What in the world are you doing when you have me around, Iska?!”
Several days later, Alice nodded in satisfaction when she received news that he’d been acquitted and released.
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