A BATTLE WITH A TRADITIONAL GOD
It was a week after we solved the shrine problem.
“Good mooorniiing, Azusa!”
When I woke up, I found the goddess a few inches away from my face.
“Gaaaaaaaaaah! You’re too close! Give me some space—I almost didn’t know who you were at first!”
“My, my. Everyone will wake up if you keep yelling.”
The goddess really didn’t feel any guilt, did she…?
She was floating over my head, which was a thing goddesses could do, I guess.
“What do you want? You might be a goddess, but your entrances are too extreme…”
Not even Beelzebub or Pecora appeared right next to me like this.
“I’m having a bit of trouble, so I was wondering if you’d help me out~” Her expression said otherwise.
“Do gods have trouble? Even if they do, can’t you solve it yourself?
She was the one who made me immortal and reincarnated me. She could probably do anything she wanted.
“Yes. I don’t mean to boast, but I can solve a considerable number of issues by myself. I have no need to rely on what humans call ‘online strategy guides.’”
But they don’t even have those here.
“However, there are some things that cannot be dealt with even using divine power. Now, what do you suppose that might be?”
“Why are you quizzing me?”
This couldn’t be anything too bad. Had she been winding up to talk about an actual tragedy, I really wouldn’t know how to react.
“Okay, time’s up! You lose, Azusa.”
Apparently, I had failed the pop quiz. I knew there wasn’t a lot I could do about it, but it was still annoying…
“Okay. You’re right; I lost. Now please go home.”
“No, please ask what’s troubling me. When the game says I’m in trouble! you don’t say, I see, that’s too bad. You must stick your nose into quests!”
She really likes games, huh?
I wasn’t really sure, but that definitely sounded like a video game.
“I spent three hundred years living in the highlands because I wanted to avoid this kind of thing, but…fine, I guess there’s no harm in just asking.”
I doubted the goddess had many people she could talk to, so I suppose it was all right to hear her out.
“In a word, I…have…dun dun dun…a rival!”
That was vaguely menacing.
“A rival? You mean Misjantie?”
I remembered what had happened in Flatta a week ago.
“No, she would not be a rival for me. In a battle manga, she would lose to the big bad in the first round of the tournament to show how powerful the villain is.”
The goddess displayed her dismissal by waving her right hand from side to side.
She wasn’t wrong, but that was an extremely spiteful way of expressing it.
“Then who? I can’t think of anyone.”
By the way, the goddess had been floating above my bed this whole time. She was kinda like Rosalie.
“My rival is, in a word—tradition!”
The goddess sure liked saying in a word.
“Tradition? Ha-ha. I bet you introduced weird patterns into your shrine, and they started treating it like it was unearthly, right?”
Local civilization and culture decided what a building should look like.
For example, if someone put a building that looked like the Palace of Versailles or the Forbidden City in a Japanese farming village, people would think it was weird. On the other hand, if someone built a Japanese castle in another country, it wouldn’t fit in at all.
Although if someone suddenly built a castle in a farming village period, it would be weird…
This goddess knew the civilizations and cultures of different worlds. Maybe she had incorporated some of that knowledge into her shrine and come up with something that didn’t work in this world. Perhaps the locals found it uncanny.
I shared my hypothesis.
“Oh~! I see~ In a word, you’re close~!”
“You just want to say in a word over and over again, don’t you?!”
She was just so casual about everything. Flippant is what she was.
“You’ve lived in this world for three hundred years, right? Then you must be more knowledgeable about it than I am.”
“That depends… There’s still plenty I don’t know…”
I couldn’t tell what she was about to say, so I gave myself some insurance.
“Azusa, do you know of the goddess Nintan?”
The goddess Nintan was a major deity worshipped in this country since ancient times.
“Yes, but only the basics.”
Flatta had been too small to have its own temple, but larger towns had temples representing the goddess Nintan. Whether she was the main deity was a separate question, but she was often enshrined somewhere in the temples.
There were many priests who served her, and large-scale festivals for her in the capital.
I knew enough to explain that, at least.
“I bet if I brought Shalsha over, she could give you a more in-depth description. Uhhh, she’s the god who supervises the years, right?”
In this country, people believed that the deity who governed the year would come again the following year. In Japan, they say the god of the new year came to bring good luck every New Year, so I guess that was similar.
“Yes, that’s right. The priests of the goddess Nintan also hold a considerable power.”
“Did they do something to you?”
“They proposed to the royal court that they might impose limits on the popular gods who are superseding their stations~”
She spoke so calmly and casually, but what she was talking about was pretty serious. My drowsiness vanished.
“Does that mean they’re going to ban people from worshipping you?”
“Yes. It doesn’t seem like they’re going to be destroying all my shrines, but they told me my virtue stamp card was a ‘joke’ and thus forbidden.”
Honestly, I thought they were a joke, too.
“I won’t be able to distribute them anymore at this rate!”
“That’s not so bad, is it?”
“No, no, no! They can’t do this! My stamp cards are a wonderful system where virtue naturally accumulates to make a richer society!”
The goddess grabbed both my shoulders and started shaking me.
“We must protect them at all costs! We must not yield to the suppressive forces of tradition! It is cowardly for a veteran to attack a newcomer! The elderly cause all sorts of problems, and this is yet another one on the pile!”
I thought suppression was a strong word, but this might be similar to senior office workers tormenting a new member of the team.
Priests of the older gods probably had a lot of authority. Tradition had a lot of strength.
“Then, I had an idea. I am going to meet Nintan directly and earn her permission! We’re both deities, so I’m sure she’d understand!”
She was all fired up now.
“We solved a problem peacefully with Misjantie just last week! If I can get Nintan to send an oracle to her priests to stop the suppression, this should all blow over without incident!”
“Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. Good luck.”
It was reasonable to go straight to the top during negotiations. It was much more effective than persuading one or two of her underlings.
“Right? It’s a great strategy, if I do say so myself! Don’t you think?”
Should a god be so desperate for a human’s approval?
“Yes… I think it’s good for a breakthrough.”
“Then come with me, Azusa.”
“…Huh?”
Things were starting to get weird.
“Did you not hear me? I’m going to meet the goddess Nintan to tell her not to ban my virtue stamp card system, and I want you to come along, Azusa.”
“No! I didn’t say Huh? because I didn’t hear you. I said it because I don’t get why you’re asking me to go through all that trouble!”
This was so not my problem. Why would I want to go?
Not to mention, this other goddess was pretty frightening.
I mean, I hadn’t met her, obviously. I was judging by her reputation.
“The goddess Nintan is really grouchy, and there are a lot of myths where she turns humans who were rude to her into frogs! I’m not going!”
There were a surprising number of stories about Nintan that had to do with frogs, probably because they showed up in spring and were a symbol of a new year.
I even heard there were frog statues in her temples.
“Oh, we’ll manage~ You’re so negative!”
The goddess pulled my arm.
Also, now that I knew there were at least a handful of goddesses in this world, I should probably have referred to her by her name (or just Godly Godness) instead of the goddess. Neither was very cute, though.
“Please settle divine problems among divinity! This is way too much for a human!”
“Look, you’re immortal and overpowered and leading a lovely harem life because of me, right? Please come with me~!”
“Harem is misleading! This isn’t a harem!”
We were family at most. Roommates. The house was not a special, gay dimension.
“And no matter how strong I get, we’re still talking about in comparison to regular humans, right? I can’t win against a god! What would happen if I pissed one off?! How are you going to help me when I get turned into a frog?!”
“Then I will take responsibility—”
Godly Godness forcefully pounded her chest.
Aw, and save me no matter what?
“—and keep you as a pet!”
“Turn me back into a human!”
I don’t want to spend my life as a frog.
“I will have flies for you to eat every day.”
Oh, then I might be able to eat Beelzebub when she’s a fly—wait, that wasn’t the issue here.
“I don’t want to eat flies. You’re a goddess! Please go on your own!”
“Awww, but the goddess seems so grouchy~! I might be traumatized forever if things get weird~” She pouted her lips and insisted.
“You can manage. It is true you’re new here, so just think of it as going to visit one of your elder neighbors.”
“I feel like she’s going to be mean to me~ And I’ve made other gods angry in meetings sometimes.”
That was probably her problem.
Her refusal to take responsibility was turning out to be a real issue.
“Why not bring your other neighbor, Misjantie, along with you? I’m only a witch.”
“I feel like if I brought that spirit with me, the goddess would only get angrier and suppress me more.”
I’m sorry. That’s exactly what would happen.
“Come on, Azusa, let’s think of this another way! You’ll get to meet one of the goddesses who has ruled this world for a very long time! You’ll meet a legend! This sort of chance rarely comes around! Oh wow, what a score! Lucky!”
“Get to meet? Aren’t we the ones going to see her? We haven’t been invited or anything. I feel like there’s nothing but trouble ahead…”
This wasn’t going to be a short trip to help some people out.
I had my limits, too. I couldn’t agree without giving it serious consideration.
“I see. Very well.”
Hey, she finally gave up.
Godly Godness let go of my arm but then took out some kind of notebook and started writing.
“Then the Goddess stood by the Witch of the Highland’s pillow and bade her to accompany Her. The Witch refused, stating she had no good reason to get involved. I will put that in the Blasphemy chapter of the scripture I’m putting together.”
“Hey! That’s slander!”
“This is really only my diary~ The people who believe in me read it as a scripture, though~”
This goddess was threatening me…
It sounded like her scripture would be filled with half-truths.
“And so the Goddess punished her. Ever since then, the Witch’s estate has been infested with pill bugs. One in every three was actually a cave cricket.”
“Don’t actually threaten me! You’re a god. Don’t be so petty!”
“The Goddess punished her again. Mites like little red dots began swarming the Witch’s dining table. During mealtimes, spiders of considerable size would crawl across it as well. When she opened the window, a horsefly invariably flew in. Whenever she got dressed, a stink bug always found its way into her clothes.”
“What’s with the cavalcade of small inconveniences?!”
I guess I had to do it. Godly Godness was being harmed by this.
“Fine. But I am only coming with you, okay…?”
I finally gave in.
“Oh, I knew you’d say yes, Azusa! Yes! You’re the president! A gold medalist! An oil tycoon! Number one in the Oricon charts!”
Your flattery isn’t very effective if you use a bunch of concepts that don’t even exist here.
The goddess Nintan had been revered for a very long time, so she probably wasn’t a tyrant who would immediately turn someone into a frog if angered. She had to be a generous goddess.
Or so I wanted to believe…
I’ve met dragons, the demon king, spirits, ghosts, and all sorts of other beings, but Nintan was probably going to top everyone else in terms of sheer magnitude. (Godly Godness wasn’t a part of this world, strictly speaking, so I left her out.)
Still, I wasn’t exactly sure if she was someone I could physically meet.
Where did I go to meet a god? It was one thing if she appeared before me on her own like Godly Godness, but I didn’t know any gods’ addresses.
“Then let’s plan to see the goddess Nintan in two weeks. I will do all I can to work out a strategy until then!” Godly Godness said breezily.
At this rate, it didn’t seem like there would be any problem meeting this other goddess.
Actually, I felt like Godly Godness would be more successful if she made a straightforward plea instead of playing politics…but she could do what she wanted. She was the one taking on the responsibility here anyway. I was just tagging along.
Maybe I could reread some of those myths and stock up on info about the goddess Nintan…
The day we were to meet the goddess Nintan came.
Laika flew me to the town of Nintania, which neighbored the capital. As you could probably guess by the name, it was the town of the goddess Nintan.
According to legend, Nintan came to live here after alighting upon this earth—although that was still just a story in myth.
The Grand Nintan Temple had been built in this region over a thousand years ago, and there were still many priests who served her.
“Lady Azusa, things have taken quite an unexpected turn…,” said Laika in her dragon form. I didn’t think it would be very nice of me to worry her by keeping things weirdly hush-hush, so I’d explained the situation beforehand.
“Sheesh, I know… It’s been a while since I got wrapped up in something like this…”
I couldn’t be too pessimistic and worry Laika.
“You are facing a god. If you defeat her, that would mean you are even greater than a god, Lady Azusa!”
Now she’s putting me on a pedestal!
“I’m not going to fight, okay? I probably can’t win anyway. All the systems of the world would go completely out of whack if a human defeated a god!”
“Lady Azusa, you have plenty of potential to overcome the divine. I may not be with you, but I am rooting for you!”
This was too much! Her expectations were too heavy!
Laika landed at the perfect spot, and I made my way toward Nintania.
The dragon was waving at me.
It hurts to be overly anxious, but it’s also not good to get your hopes up, either. Nothing is ever good in excess…
When I reached my destination, Godly Godness was already waiting for me and carrying a cloth bag. I wondered what she’d brought along with her.
“Now let us go. I’ve decided to be visible to everyone today.”
“Sure, feel free. Let me just repeat myself, though: I’m not doing anything.”
Godly Godness just walked on over to the Grand Nintan Temple.
It was a fancy place—the temple was surrounded by a garden with a massive pond in it.
It was kind of something like the Phoenix Hall of Byodo-in or Kinkaku-ji. Obviously, the style wasn’t Japanese—it was more of a western garden than anything.
I thought we’d be turned away at the gates, but no, we marched right in.
It looked like devout followers came from all over the country, so they never turned people away. Inside, there were even people crying, “I’m so glad I came at least once in my lifetime,” and “I finally completed my dream pilgrimage…”
I guess this was something long-lived gods had to their advantage.
The grand temple was filled with a dignified air; I could feel my heart growing purer by the moment.
At the far end of the temple, there was a bronze statue of the goddess Nintan.
She was in a unique pose with her hands held out in front of her chest, her palms facing outward. She looked like a sumo wrestler practicing flat-palmed blows. There was probably some significance to this posture, but it hadn’t been mentioned in any of the myths.
If I were to pick out any particular characteristic about the goddess, it was how long her hair was. It practically reached the floor.
If anyone with hair like that existed in real life, I’m sure it would be tremendously annoying. They’d probably constantly be stepping on it and falling over. Public toilets would be way too dirty to use.
The faithful were absorbed in offering prayers beside the statue.
Some were wearing tattered clothes. They were probably training on some sort of pilgrimage.
“Azusa, take my hand, please.” Godly Godness extended her hand to me, and I gripped it, still unsure why she’d offered it. “Now let’s go in.”
“Huh? In where?”
We were already inside the grand temple.
“Do not let go of my hand while we’re in motion, okay? We are not pretending here; this is real,” Godly Godness said, before starting to run straight at the bronze statue.
“We’re going to crash into it!”
“It’s fine~ Because…hmm, why was it again? It slipped my mind.”
Wait, are we going to be okay?!
Just before we ran right into the statue, I closed my eyes!
The pain from the impact never came.
I slowly, cautiously opened my eyes…and I found myself in an odd space.
Magic circles (or something like them) floated all around me and beneath my feet, like a projection map.
It was hard to tell if there was a floor, but I didn’t feel like I was either falling or floating.
“All right, here we are. You don’t need to hold my hand anymore,” Godly Godness chirped, so I let go. Now that I thought about it, I realized she’d been with me this whole time.
“What on earth happened?”
“In a word, we entered the world of the gods~ This is the goddess Nintan’s space.”
That was definitely weird.
“Godly Godness, you may be a little rotten, but you are definitely a god.”
“How rude of you, Azusa! At least call me fermented instead!”
That wasn’t very different from rotten, though, was it…?
“And the goddess Nintan is the one right in front of us~” Godly Godness said nonchalantly.
I looked ahead, and a dignified goddess was standing there whose appearance practically screamed, I’m a deity!
Her hair was super long, and her ears were pointy, like an elf’s, but even more so. They were pointier than Halkara’s anyway.
The way she looked at us was terrifying. Maybe she needed more calcium…
Or maybe she was upset we’d barged in…
No, I shouldn’t judge people on their looks. There was a chance she was incredibly nice and very easy to get along with!
“You’re Godly Godness, that joke of a newcomer, aren’t you?”
There was tremendous pressure behind her voice. She was the type to assert dominance right off the bat…
“Yes, that’s me~! I came today because I wanted to get to know one of the older gods, and that’s you, Nintan~”
Godly Godness was as lackadaisical as ever.
I bet, in some cases, her affable manner would help, but the character of the goddess Nintan was like water to her oil.
Still, Godly Godness had said she was going to come up with a plan, so I was resting my hopes on that.
She immediately stuck her hand into the cloth bag she’d brought.
What did she have in there?
“Accordingly, I brought a souvenir: edible slimes. I hope you like them~”
She was going with the souvenir tactic?! Would that even work for gods?!
“When did you buy those?!”
“The lady named Halkara sells them near the factory. I bought some. See, just because we know each other doesn’t mean I should get them for free. In fact, I should be giving her money because we know each other. Paying full price is paying respect.”
“Oh yeah, she is selling them in town… And I wasn’t implying you didn’t have to go out of your way to get them!”
“No need to worry! I bought the nicest one for gifting! It’s filled with respect for the recipient!”
“No, thank you.” Nintan shot her down.
Figures… She didn’t seem like the type to say, Oh gosh, thank you so much for the gift~!
“Aw, don’t say that~ No other sweet has a texture like this! It’s delicious~” Godly Godness could take a beating…
“We do not like sweets. Take them home with you.”
Wow, she was blunt. Plan A was a bust.
“Heh-heh-heh. I thought you might say that.” Godly Godness grinned. It looked like she hadn’t put much hope into that plan. Good thing, because if that was her only strategy, I would have been ready to throw in the towel.
Godly Godness stuck her hand into the cloth bag again. “You may not be the sort for sweets, but I’m sure you’re a drinker! I brought the highest-quality alcohol; it’s called the Liquor of Gods! Let us drink the night away!”
She pulled out a bottle of booze! She was basically just trying to buy her off!
“No thank you.” Nintan turned her down again.
“What? But it’s so good! You’re missing out~”
“You are trying to tempt Us with things. We will not be so easily baited with your jests.”
“Oh no… My Have Her Turn a Blind Eye by Using Bribes Strategy failed…” Godly Godness seemed really upset by this.
“Are gods allowed to do this?!”
“Azusa, didn’t anyone ever teach you to treat others how you want to be treated?”
“Sigh… I heard that in my past life.”
“And I would be so happy to receive liquor! That’s why I thought this would work!”
“So what?!”
I almost wanted to take Nintan’s side now…
The goddess Nintan huffed. She was definitely a sadist.
“Goodly Godly Godness. We know your ulterior motives. You believed your religion was about to be suppressed, so you came to Us so that We might show you kindness, no?”
She had the whole picture. Anyone could figure it out.
“Oh, no~! I just wanted to get to know you better~ Do you really not want anything to dri—?”
“There are many gods in this world. We know this, and We have tolerated much.”
The goddess Nintan had cut Godly Godness off mid-sentence…
“That makes me happy~! Then does that mean you’ll give me a pass, too? Yay!”
This goddess was so positive… Optimism was a valuable asset in life, I thought.
“Silence, child!”
On the other hand, the goddess Nintan was pissed.
“What in heaven is your ‘virtue stamp card’?! It is not even a joke; it is an insult to jokes! There is not a single hint of divinity about you! A god must be more empyreal!”
—real, real, real…
The goddess Nintan’s voice echoed throughout the space.
I knew how she felt. She wouldn’t want to be put on the same level as someone who was just handing out loyalty cards.
After a rant like that, though, Godly Godness couldn’t stay quiet, either.
“Ooh… W-well, I suppose you could say it is a joke, yes… I was thinking it would be fine to bring more amusing elements into this world…”
“Don’t acknowledge it!”
If her followers knew it was a joke, they’d be shocked!
“Such pointless things do have value in existing, too, don’t they? No, actually, they don’t need any value. But are things without value wrong? I’m okay with being worthless. That’s why things like myself exist…”
I had a feeling she was saying something good, but it didn’t really resonate that well, probably because of how cowardly she was…
“What does it mean to be a god to you, Godly Godness? Do you think it some sort of joke? Or is it a passionate ambition? Tell Us openly!”
An actual sound argument came at us.
But this was also a chance for Godly Godness.
If she could pull on Nintan’s heartstrings, she might get her permission.
“………Being a god? ……Hmmm…… A god, hmm……”
“You’re not going to say anything?!”
All that talk about worth had given her a perfect opening! She was awful at debating!
“I just wanted to carry on in a relaxed and humble manner for a long time, all the while getting more people to do good things, even simple ones. Yes, my theme is to carry on humbly and for a long time. I want to be something that’s somewhat established in this world, like jute mallow, or nata de coco, or yuzukoshō…”
“What are ‘nata de coco’ and ‘yuzukoshō’?”
I didn’t think nata de coco existed in this world. It was a food that looked like agar at first, but it had a chewy texture when you bit into it. Did jute mallow even exist, though?
“We have made no progress speaking with you. Enough. Leave. We will dispatch an oracle to my priests to suppress your teachings.”
Coming here actually made things worse.
“I understand. So to make it fair, why don’t we draw straws?”
“Yes, very we— You understand nothing!”
Godly Godness almost pulled this traditional goddess into a funny-man-straight-man routine. What an incredible thing to witness…
“We have told you to leave! Where did this talk of drawing straws come from?! Hop to it and leave, or We will turn you into a frog!”
“Was that pun intentional? It wasn’t very funny~”
“It was not a joke! We have no intention of making jokes! You truly must put an end to this!”
The calm and collected goddess Nintan was now furious and red in the face… Godly Godness’s sloppiness was seriously a thing of wonder.
Godly Godness grasped a bunch of thin, chopstick-like wooden sticks in her right hand and thrust them out toward Nintan. She’d also retrieved them from her bag. What wasn’t in there?
“We told you to le—”
“One of these sticks has a marking on it. If you pull that one, then please approve my teachings!”
I should probably learn from her aggression.
There were ten of those sticks, and so the chances of Nintan pulling the one with the mark were very low.
Godly Godness glanced in my direction and winked. I think that meant she had this.
“Now please draw one!”
“Wait. Do you truly only have one marked? Show Us all the sticks before We start.”
“Gulp.”
She just said “gulp” out loud…
Godly Godness let go, and the sticks fell.
All of them had some kind of marking on them. It was a complete fraud…
“Gods shouldn’t lie! That’s the one line you shouldn’t cross!”
I couldn’t keep my mouth shut anymore.
“See, I thought such a traditional technique might prove surprisingly useful~ She is a traditional god. There are plenty of tricks in myth that make you think, No one would be fooled by that. It would be impossible to pull this off by the standards of modern literature~”
Should a god be insulting myth?
“Godly Godness. You must leave. You are the vilest of all the popular gods that have risen in the past five hundred years. We will have a priest with political influence ban your teachings. We will have all the books with your doctrines in them burned. Shoo, shoo!”
We were losing ground to talk at all.
“Um, what are you going to do, goddess…? There probably isn’t much left, is there?”
“There’s no need to worry, Azusa. I still have a plan ready. There is still a way out of danger.”
I had a feeling that it was Godly Godness creating the peril all on her own, if anything, but if she had a plan, she should go for it.
Godly Godness stared hard at the goddess Nintan.
Hey, looks like she’s suddenly serious. Maybe this was going to be our breakthrough.
Godly Godness then immediately fell to her knees—
—and pressed her forehead to the floor.
“I beg you to overlook my teachings! I promise there are hardly any dangerous elements to them!”
It was the waterworks strategy!
There was nothing wrong with her plan, but it was cheap.
Godly Godness was starting to look more and more like Halkara, what with that lackadaisical attitude and unwarranted optimism…
“We will be sure to suppress them completely so that not a single record remains of you in one hundred years.”
I thought our goddess couldn’t possibly make her case even worse, but I was wrong!
There was nothing we could do.
Godly Godness had tried every stratagem, and they’d all ended in failure. It would be impossible to ask for Nintan’s good offices at this point.
“This was unavoidable. I will use my last resort, then.”
Godly Godness slowly rose from the floor. To be honest, I didn’t have high hopes.
“We have told you to leave… Perhaps We shall inflict your believers with a plague.”
Nintan was going after her flock now…
“Goddess Nintan, let us decide which god is correct through strength.”
Godly Godness produced a long, thin sword from the cloth bag. Was it connected to hammerspace or something?
I was convinced the goddess Nintan would refuse this, too—but her lips twisted into a smile.
“How funny. We will obliterate both the god who insults Us and her attendant.”
Nintan produced a blade that was more old-fashioned and thicker.
Wait, hold on, that doesn’t sound good!
“Er, I’m just tagging along, okay?! I’m just an acquaintance of this joke of a god! Please don’t associate me with her, okay?! Please don’t obliterate me!”
I didn’t want to get mixed up in this! No thank you!
“Oh, Azusa, you’re so mean! Are you putting the responsibility on me?!”
“You’re the one shifting responsibility to me! I’m not safe at all here! A quick nick with that stick could seriously take me out!”
“Quick nick with a stick… Thirty-seven points for that joke.”
“I don’t have time to make jokes!”
I knew I shouldn’t have come along! I’ve never witnessed a situation that was literally all pain, no gain like this!
“Hmm, We suppose your attendant matters not. Goodly Godly Godness, you will regret taking up arms to test Us.”
“Jokes on you, I already regret it~! So that won’t work~!”
What are you, five?! And you regret it?!?!
“Azusa, I will protect you.” Godly Godness stood in front of me.
“…I want to say thanks, but at this point, you owe it to me to keep me safe.”
She wasn’t a random stranger saving me from a pack of thugs. You caused this whole thing, after all.
“You will gaze upon Our traditional—”
“Prepare yourself!”
Godly Godness rushed Nintan just as she was about to speak.
Guess her stance was might makes right.
“Such impudence! You will fall by Our blade!”
The goddess Nintan’s word choice was distinctly old-fashioned. She was definitely a traditional god.
The way the two moved when they fought, though, was beyond all imagination.
I could hardly even follow them with my eyes…
They traded blows with tremendous physical power, striking and parrying.
If I was just barely following them with my stats, a god’s power was seriously nothing to sneeze at.
“So this is a battle between gods… Finally, something that isn’t a joke. Godly Godness is amazing, too…”
Fshing! Kaklang!
Every time their swords connected, I could hear the clash of metal. Neither was giving ground in the slightest. Despite the danger, I was enraptured by this dance of violence.
This was the peak of any decisive battle.
“You are rather skilled in the art of combat. You would be a good match for the gods of war in this world.”
“Of course I would~ I am high-ranking even among gods~”
The goddess Nintan’s expression clouded over slightly with displeasure, but the warrior gods did not stop exchanging blows. “What do you mean by that?”
“Exactly what I said. I was originally a god who managed several worlds. On the other hand, you are just one of the gods managing a specific world. In a way, you could say I’m an executive from headquarters, while you are a regional branch manager of sorts.”
That was a horribly mean comparison, but she wasn’t wrong.
Common sense dictated Godly Godness should be higher on the ladder, given that she’d had influence over multiple worlds.
“However…I made a mistake at work and ended up falling to this world…so I’ll accept some reasonable restraints…”
Don’t give her information that puts you at a disadvantage!
“But I think I can beat you, Nintan. I’m only using fifty…sixty…eighty percent of my power.”
That’s still a lot! She’ll reach full throttle in no time!
“Is that so…? If what you say is true, then We understand why you are so skilled.”
Nintan was looking tired. From what I could tell, Godly Godness was overpowering her.
It was happening slowly, but Nintan was increasingly on the defensive.
“Let’s go! Let me make you admit defeat!”
Even if their discussion had gotten them nowhere, it seemed like this might settle the matter.
“Now let us finish this!” Godly Godness rushed at Nintan.
But at that moment—I thought I saw the goddess Nintan smile.
The smile of a sadist.
Then, just like the statue, she held her hands out, palms forward, like a sumo wrestler about to make an open-palm strike.
“You child! You’ve left yourself defenseless! Become a frog!”
From her hands, the goddess Nintan released a bluish-white light, which collided with Godly Godness—
—and an instant later, I saw a giant frog about three feet tall sitting in her place.
“Oh no! I’ve been turned into a frog!” Godly Godness yelled.
It sounded like she could talk. And she was huge. It gave me the creeps.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha! This is Our secret! You will live on as a frog and subsist on flies!”
What a wicked move… A life eating flies sounded awful…
“But perhaps We should torment you a little more.”
The goddess Nintan readied her blade. Is she really attacking a frog? Isn’t that animal abuse?
Nintan slowly advanced on the amphibian.
“Waaah! I want to run, but I cannot jump very well!”
Godly Godness could only hop straight up. She would need more practice to master leapfrog.
“We will punish you for testing a god.”
In the meantime, the distance between Nintan and Godly Godness was closing.
I couldn’t let this happen. I rushed forward and stood in front of the frog.
“You shouldn’t bully someone weaker than you!”
I shouted in the face of the goddess Nintan.
Attacking an unarmed frog was an act unbecoming of the divine. Nintan wasn’t an evil deity, so she had no reason to do such a thing.
“Godly Godness’s attendant, hmm? You are the world’s strongest human, the Witch of the Highlands, are you not?”
Even a god knew who I was. I guess she would, since it was her job to manage this world.
“You may be the strongest among humans, but you cannot defeat a god, much less one with such history, faith, and experience. Move.”
“No.”
“If you comply now, then We shall forgive you, merely infesting your home with cockroaches.”
That was still pretty harsh…
Is using bugs as divine punishment “in” right now? Godly Godness was talking about pill bugs, too.
“It’s all right, Azusa. They eat cockroaches in some parts of the world!”
“Frog goddess, was that supposed to make me feel better…?”
“Plus, the roaches you find in houses are only one subsect of the entire cockroach family! Most of them live in the woods and mountains, so they’re not filthy at all!”
“No more fun cockroach facts, please!”
Please don’t joke around in a stressful situation like this. My whole body felt tense.
“I know Godly Godness has a lot of problems. She’s like a whole dollar store full of issues. But…” I stretched out my arms to block the way. “Now that she’s a defenseless frog, I will protect her. I can’t stand by and watch her die.”
Maybe I should employ different standards when my enemy is an actual god and not just god-tier…but I had to say something.
“Azusa! How wonderful! What a virtuous heart you have!”
Godly Godness sounded impressed. It did nothing to improve our situation, but it was still gratifying.
“Due to your behavior, I present to you this special Gold Virtue Stamp Card, already fully stamped!”
A glittering virtue stamp card appeared in my palm! This was the virtue stamp card to end all virtue stamp cards!
“—Wait, I don’t want this! Give me something more practical!”
Can you please recognize that we’re in danger here?!
“No. That is not any old virtue stamp card.”
I could hear Godly Godness croaking behind me.
“Look, there’s no point if they’re just gold. This might actually get stamp cards banned.”
“Only an incredibly noble person can fill a Gold Virtue Stamp Card—and when they do, they receive power on par with that of a god! In a word, you’ve leveled up!”
My whole stat card appeared in midair.
“I thought I’d maxed out my level, but I just broke the level cap!”
I was impressed with the miracles an active-duty god could pull off… Even as a frog…
“Rrrrgh… You have god-tier powers now…? No human could contend with Us…”
Cautiously, the goddess Nintan approached me.
Well, let’s make a move and see what happens.
I was next to her before she realized what I was doing. Her movements looked really slow to me.
I was moving faster than Nintan could react! Now I stood a chance!
I put a bit of space between us for the moment.
“What, you just came to say hello?”
“Goddess Nintan, aren’t you missing something important?”
She then noticed what was wrong. “She took Our weapon…? When?”
That’s right—I stole Nintan’s sword, then darted away again.
“I feel so light, like I never even joined the workforce at all!”
“How can this…? Anything that destroys tradition cannot be…”
The enemy went pale. All this talk about tradition was starting to sound kind of fishy.
“Tradition is important, but isn’t it more important that people are happy? If Godly Godness’s teachings are making people happy, then I don’t think you should stifle them. Even if they are weird.”
I told Nintan my opinion.
Even though I was up against a god, in a physical contest, we were on equal footing. I had the right to tell her how I felt.
“At the very least, attacking a frog is beneath a god. Tradition or not, it’s bad.”
“Rrrgh… We… We cannot refute that…”
It wasn’t like I was trying to argue with her, though… As long as she reconsidered, that was fine with me.
“H-however! Even without a weapon, We can fight barehanded! Submitting to a human is unprecedented! We shan’t allow it!”
Ooh, she was stubborn.
“Ah~! I see, I see~ I toadally get it now, ribbit~!”
Godly Godness was adapting to being a frog…
“Basically, the goddess Nintan is just an old lady croaking about the young, ribbit~!”
Nintan’s face flushed bright red. The frog goddess sure hit a nerve there!
“No! That is utterly wrong! We do not suffer the vices of the elderly! We do not allow anything contrary to how a god must—”
“When humans were born into this world, did grand-temple-style architecture exist, ribbit? If precedent is all that matters, then isn’t it a leap to say gods need shrines erected to them, ribbit?”
Holy crap, the frog goddess was going to talk her down!
“D…damn you!”
The goddess Nintan rushed to attack me, her eyes welling with tears.
I mean, I was the one holding the sword, though… I had to get rid of it…
It turned into a hand-to-hand battle, but I clearly had the advantage. To me, she was hardly moving at all. There was no way I could lose.
Nintan soon started panting and staggering.
The fight with Godly Godness had already worn her down, so she probably couldn’t fight anymore.
“I think it’s about time for you to surrender now.”
“Ha! We still have a plan!”
Gods sure liked their plans…
“You will become a—”
Before she could produce the ray of light that would turn me into a frog, I zipped in close and covered her mouth with my left hand.
“Mrrrrrfffghhh! Mghghgh! Mrrrrrr!”
“Too bad. I moved before you could talk.”
I kept my hand over her mouth for a moment before she finally crumpled to the ground.
It seemed like she’d passed out.
Yep, I win.
Nintan regained consciousness before long.
I actually didn’t know gods could faint. I wondered who was looking after the world during that time, but in a polytheistic world, I guess that wasn’t a problem.
“How could We have fallen to a human…? We have failed.” Nintan slowly stood.
“Ha-haaa. You made a real splash, ribbit!” the frog goddess cheered as she bounced in place.
She was enjoying this way too much, wasn’t she? Maybe we should actually work to spread that optimism…
“Goddess Nintan, could you please reconsider forbidding Godly Godness’s faith? I doubt it’s a particularly harmful ideology to this world.”
I started by nailing down the most important part of this whole mess.
“All right… I will acknowledge those virtue stamp cards of yours…”
Great, now that issue was solved.
“It is conceivable We have grown somewhat intolerant. We had unknowingly come to resist change.”
The frog didn’t need to chime in with “That’s where old-lady problems start!” but she did anyway.
Hey! We can’t afford another fight, so watch your mouth!
“Indeed. Nothing can be born by merely protecting tradition.”
Hey, Nintan accepted it graciously. I guess she wasn’t much of a sore loser, then.
“Accepting new things is, in fact, how we can preserve tradition. We must be flexible when it comes to that.”
“Indeed. The people who eat the most bread in Japan live in the old capital of Kyoto, after all.”
“The goddess definitely doesn’t understand what that means…”
I had no use for new trivia on Japan, either.
“Yes! We shall issue virtue stamp cards at Our temple, too!” Nintan declared in high spirits.
…Wait, things were taking a weird turn here!
“We will have Our priests create Nintan-issued virtue stamp cards! We will send an oracle posthaste!”
“No! That’s plagiarism! This system was my idea!” The frog goddess immediately panicked. It was true that if Nintan incorporated this, then Godly Godness’s most distinguishing feature would vanish.
“But incorporating the best parts of the newest things can prevent problems an otherwise elderly person might cause. How can you complain?”
“I’ll take back calling you both old and a troublemaker, so please forgive me! I mean it, please!”
I watched from the outside, thinking how hard it must be in the god industry.
Authors’ rights and stuff probably didn’t exist here, so I hoped they’d solve this peaceably through discussion.
“Nonetheless, We are shocked to see the birth of a being who surpasses a god. We cannot possibly know what new wonders the world might bring henceforth.”
The goddess Nintan turned to me with a look of chagrin.
I was well aware that I’d become a special individual.
Since I was already the strongest in the world, though, I had a feeling my position hadn’t changed much.
“There’s nothing wrong about a world with an unknowable future. A world whose future is predetermined isn’t that exciting anyway.”
The frog goddess said, “Oh, that was such a cool thing to say. I call dibs! I am putting it in my scripture!”
Once you get too close to a god, you can’t respect them anymore. It’s just fact.
Plus, she already abandoned the frog talk… She had no commitment…
“Goddess Nintan, please pardon us for being so disrespectful earlier. It’s Godly Godness’s fault.”
“You defeated Us. Call Us Nintan.”
Was this some exceptional treatment I’d just been given?
“N-Nintan… Are you sure that’s okay?”
“Mm. Yes. If you ever have any trouble, We can talk you through it if you come to visit.”
I’d established a new connection with a god. These were some serious bragging rights, way more than just knowing a famous artist or something.
“We shall send an oracle to the priests commanding them to treat Azusa, the Witch of the Highlands, with respect.”
“Oh, uh… Please don’t make it too much of a big deal…”
That could completely shatter my leisurely lifestyle.
“Hmm, is that so? We can collect a uniform tax throughout the country to turn your manor into something more sublime.”
“No! Please don’t!” That would just make everyone hate me!
“Very well. We will keep it reasonable. Leave it to Us.”
“Okay… Yes, reasonable, please…”
The divine scale was immense, so I had to manage our relationship carefully. Otherwise, this could get scary.
“Now We must return to our pile of work.”
Oh, I didn’t want to get in the way. “Please pardon our intrusion. We’ll be going now.”
“Yes. If you go that way, you will arrive back at the grand temple.”
I waved to her and ran through the space.
Before I knew it, I was inside the grand temple.
The people gathered there stared at me in shock. I probably just popped out of nowhere, didn’t I?
“Thank you for your time! Wow, I’m sure glad we made the pilgrimage all the way to the great temple, huh?!” I announced loudly and deliberately before leaving.
“Thank you so much!” Godly Godness said once we were outside. “If you hadn’t come with me, I would have been in real trouble. I really shouldn’t underestimate branch manager–class gods, should I~?”
“Could you at least wait until we get away from the temple to say that?”
Nintan would get mad at us again, and I wasn’t going to take responsibility for that…
Even after we left the grounds, I had a feeling people were staring pretty hard at us.
No one could tell I’d gotten stronger just by looking at me, so what was the deal?
Actually, I realized people were looking more at Godly Godness than me…
“I suppose we should head back, then~! Our problem’s been solved!”
Oh.
I noticed something very important.
“Godly Godness, you’re still a frog!”
Nintan hadn’t turned her back to normal!
“Oh no! I thought everything had been settled nicely, but it wasn’t~!”
Shortly thereafter, we had Nintan return Godly Godness to her original form.
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